cigarettes and alcohol

2003-07-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

http://searchingforme.blogspot.com
stil under constructn tho

2003-04-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER

2003-04-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

u dont want commitment..but u want my company
u dont want to b serious..but u dont want me to back off
u say u dont know me..but u say ure fond of me
i say ill respect ur wishes n leave u b..u tell me to stay...

2003-04-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

u want ur cake n u want to eat it too

2003-04-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

Power train says:
hey are you with your pms
punky says:
wel u askd wat peta was n i told u
punky says:
nex time u dont wana know..dont ask
Power train says:
i was supposed to thank you for letting me know what peta is, but with your attitude, i would save my politeness
Power train says:
if i knew, why would i ask??!!
punky says:
uknow smth..nex time u wana propose to go on a trip w someone...dont tell her much much later that ure sleepin w the ex ok?
Power train says:
i dont have time to explain this to u, if u are still here after my meeting, we can talk
punky says:
nah its ok..im hurt
punky says:
no worries..im gna turn in whn u leave
Power train says:
for one thing, i am not sleeping with her. I did only once since i came back. it was a mistake, i admit. ok?
punky says:
i know we nev agreed on some exclusivity thing....but i gues it still hurt
Power train says:
cuz .... wtf... i dont have to say much. ... but i am sorry if you are hurt, not my intention
punky says:
neone in my shoes wud b hurt, even attila the hun
Power train says:
sorry
Power train says:
but i didnt mean to....
Power train says:
and u asked... i wanted to lie but i couldnt le
Power train says:
lie
Power train says:
to u
Power train says:
and the truth was told, someone is hurt....
punky says:
yea..once again, had i not askd u wudve never told me
Power train says:
what could i do?
punky says:
i hate that
Power train says:
why would i want to tell u, looking for trouble and headache?
punky says:
i told u upfront i dont wana read ur mind or assume tings
punky says:
coz dammit its the rite thing to do..lies/dishonesty SUCK
Power train says:
i dont have time now, we can talk more later
punky says:
n u know sooner or later the ugly truth gna come out...n it b more painful n shitty then
punky says:
nah its ok im off to bed..no worries ill b ok
Power train says:
but i want to let u know, i adore u ... up to u if u want to believe it
Power train says:
or not
punky says:
i do..but it stil hurt
Power train says:
gotta ok
punky says:
2 entirely diff tings
punky says:
yea off u go, tc n ve a nice day
Power train says:
what could i do to make it up for u
punky says:
jst get some sleep n tc for now
punky says:
will catch u online some time soon hopefuly
Power train says:
can u cut this shit?
Power train says:
god

n with that last line...he walked off. FUCK U...u fuck up n u dare walk off on me?? that is so fuckin retarded..........

2003-04-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

i hvent been this tired/sleepy in weeks.....

2003-04-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

Life is a process of one goneness after another.
- Russell Hoban, "The Bat Tattoo

"What is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Saint Exupery, "The Little Prince"

2003-04-14T07:59:00.000-07:00

tatto wants to get back together again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-04-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

this bullshit from 2 separate men..2 men who first fucked me..then fucked up my life..i spent wks n mths tryin to get over them, w utmost grace n dignity n self respect......
then they both turn up, after WKS of zero contact watsover..both spewing bullshit...all within an hr of each other. DAMN

2003-04-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

rusty says:
this whole thing , or watever ive bn tellin u r all made up
punky says:
uhuh
rusty says:
r all made up by me
punky says:
rite...
rusty says:
qstn?
punky says:
no..u need to tell me watever, how do i know wat to ask or where to start
rusty says:
hmm
rusty says:
how shld i put it
rusty says:
i jus carried away
rusty says:
jus got carried away
rusty says:
frm one lie to another
rusty says:
i did not expect tt it will blow out of proportion
rusty says:
but it jus did

2003-04-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

Power train says:
hey there
Power train says:
I didnt see your message until now
Power train says:
beep me when you are back ok?

damn.

2003-04-14T04:20:00.000-07:00

i hvent blogged in 2 days, wat a shocker!..heh...n i dint/dont even miss it....hmm 2 days?!...dint even feel it..heh i tink as life gets bzier, gets btr...i dont rant/bitch no more, at least im not as restless or steamin mad/sad as b4..lifes pannin out pretty well...its not excellent or even marginally fun..but at least i feel some self worth..i feel productive n social n fullyfunctional again...bein out there w ppl, doin reg things...i tink i m finaly ready to take on the world

sounds corny i know..but i feel ive recovrd...i feel im capable of enterin society again heh...not only that but i ve this desire to go out there n b productive n useful..lol i sound like an ex-psychopath, or someone jst out frm the looney hse...hahhah...or a fuckin prisoner jst out from servin time lol...phew. i m beepd tho. i jst ate n i cant even move..i got home n was soo hungry, dint even put my stuff down whn i walkd in the door...jst grabbd food n hoggd....now im sittin here motionless. fuck i m tired. phewww

saturday nite: hmm did nothin but watch tv. survivor amazon was on...its gettin shitty coz da 2 bitches r still there, jenna n heid..fuckin sluts. id like em to die a slow, slow death...fuckin cunts: they r arrogant, self centered, annoying n unpretty. i dont realy watch it nemore, i jst leave the tv on as i do other stuff....ew.

i also talkd to des - hes kewl...cute, witty heh...there were a few awkward moments coz i was so tired n sleepy, id mumble someth...n then hes like "eh? wat did u say"..umm...naturaly id get all self conscious aftr that n feel embarrassd...so in response id mumble even more, like a stupid stutterer...blah. but hes funny...love hearin him laugh. its infectious heh..stayd up till abt 7 in the mornin talkin to des...

woke up at 9 coz veni wantd to ve brekkie...n also she had to pick up her aunt from the airport at noon...so she askd me to go w her....i was dead sleepy..but i wud nev let her down n i love hangin w her neway..so we met for brekkie n then went to the airport..had some coffee while waitin, then aftr we met her aunt we hung out at the airport...haha it was crazy, we were so bored outta our witz we ended up stayin there for more than 5 hrs: we had lunch there, browsd the shops, stayd at the bkstores flipin thru porn mags..jk heh. we jst flippd thru some girly mags n commentd on the hot chickz heheh....then we bought some clothes together: oh yea we shud b goin clubbin on weds nite this wk. we ll c..not sure.

today i was w jason all day...met him q early at abt 10a..blah i was tired stil coz i hadnt slept properly the past 2 days. neway it was ok..mornin we dint get nothin done n i felt so horribly guilty....so i wasnt speakin to him that much, i was too embar to even look at him...we took a trip down to the printers to check if the facemasks were ok, YAY looks like tings r goin as plannd n the masks shud hit da media this wk. hopefuly on weds...we had lunch, in the pm we did some callin..mainly to news agencies n the print media, we gna head down there this weds to deliver by hand the masks..that way the wires get hold of the story b4 the easter hols..jason realy wants to get this campaign goin. hes off to taiwan nex wk so hes desperate to finish at least the facemask campaign by this wk.

tomorw i wont b seein him coz hes havin lunch w the only other vegan IN THE WHOLE OF HK that we know of lol. oh yea today we also went to da shops, chkin for components for his pc..we re stil havin probls w the digivid we bought last wk. if we dont get it up n runnin by thurs we r def returnin it. neway i love doin wat im doin, i even cancld work today jst so i cud work w jason..altho he isnt payin me jack shit..heh. mom tinks im crazy but i dont care..nobody wil ever understand y this is important to me.

veni n i r plannin a macau trip for may. preferably the start of may...shes gna take a sicky, n im gna cancel classes..we were sooo xcited talkin abt it yest, she swears shes gna make this happ coz we ve been dyin to go away together...we d plannd to go to bali end nov but the bombing ting happened..first wk of oct i tink? so we shelvd plans...

1. go bungee jumpin off the macau tower
2. get a brazilian wax done (!!)
3. visit strip clubs
4. watch porn all nite lol
5. go skinny dippin
6. n of course - go drinkin, clubbin, dancin to our hearts content..heh

veni made the list abv..lol we re jst kiddin...we were so bored yest we jst let our minds (n fantasies!) wander heh...nah we re gna b good...we dont even the nuff money to b bad heh.

i stil got lots of tings to figure out tho..i need to talk to tatto abt a few things. mebe tonite...sigh. gna go out for a walk w jinn soon...then umm lounge n sit bk n watch some tv...one things fer sure tho, i gta clean my rm someday...its so disgustin here

laterz

2003-04-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

/me in a pissy mood. god help me....i hate it whn i get this way. so fuckin restless n irritated i cant do jack shit abt it....dammit. fuck fuck fuck.

im sad coz im tinkin about jinn :(

2003-04-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

hmmmmm

2003-04-12T04:34:00.000-07:00

goin out w veni clubbin on weds nite. yay....n we re also tinkin of goin away together, on a short trip to macau - lol if u can call tht a trip that is hehe..jst a bloody boat ride away..neway we r gna ve a blast, get drunk, get high n totally not worry abt curfews, the fam bk home...we r gna b sooo bad

whn we went to chasers the other nite there was a new band playin..oh damn did they love us lol, they kept lookin at us n smilin..heh veni n i njoyed it like shit, after all nobody was there tht nite coza the sars shit so it was jst us there...well we lookd pretty n hot n i gues we were doin a bit of the lesbo thing as well hahaha...so that turned a few heads im sure..its nice there was nother band there, tink im gettin sick of seein alex's band there all the fuckin time..n oh the dj was new too..i know probly management sent one of the reg bands to sing so they had to find a new band to take over, i dunno abt the dj tho? mebe they fired dj denny from b4 - he suckd neway so gd riddance.

heh joren was there n we xchangd a few quirky smiles while he was performin..joren is in alex's band n 2 bands play at chasers evynite - ones gta b alex's band coz theyre chasers hse band..the other band they rotate tween dusk till dawn in wc n insomnia in lkf..wel neway joren was cute as usual n i told veni tht i sorta have the hots for him n she went "ewwwwwwwwwww" lol..hes not her type. but she had a ting for the singer of the new band heh..n we both likd the lady singer =P shes fit n damn shes got a great bod. hehh..whn we left the df yelled from afar "when u comin bk?" hahaha..lil does he know we re like alex's groupies, he ll b seein us there sooo much b4 long he ll get sick of us heh..neway i said "never" lol i tink that was too snobby an answer but who cares...we were q tipsy n they knew that.

sooo weds, tinkin mebe we ll drop by chasers to chk out the new band n new dj..then poss head off to wan chai? we like insomnia but dont like the band that plays there...we ll c. i wudnt mind stayin at chasers..thing is we dont want alex to tink that we love him, already the son of a bitch has an ego the size of the atlantic - he probly tinks we go there coz of him..puke. well truthfuly we both had a thing for him like many many yrs ago..i liked him first, abt 6 yrs ago whn we first startd goin there..then i met AS n i dint give a shit abt guys nemore, then somehow late last yr veni admitd to me that she had a mega mega crush on alex....so we d go to chasers more frequently than the norm jst so she cud chk him out lol...then jst when i was startin to date roque - who is chummy w alex - veni bumpd into alex in the supermart......w his 2 kiddos! lol..well we d always known tht alex was married..but to actualy c the guy u ve the hots for w his wife/kids..sorta changes tings dramatically heh. she got put off there n then n no more alex. heh

blah im bored. will watch tv..

2003-04-12T01:50:00.000-07:00

Could use help on this Monday--important shit

1) help me go to realtors--would be nice to have a local with me
2) call singapore media and get their mailing address so I can post them masks on Thursday.
3) find the program to download video for the Sharp vd-pd5e
4) help me get the news release translated

If you make it to bed at a reasonable hour we can start early.

heh.
moms like always goin "but y cant they pay u for all the work ure doin??" mommmm thts y its called volunteer work..rofl....

2003-04-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

on chat tatto askd me wat i currently feelin for him...apprently he says hes beginnin to like me but tis time its diffrent - not like b4..ummm? cudnt blieve my eyes..i told him ive moved on n i dont hold a grudge..told him tht yea, hes done some stuff in the past which i hate him for, n will never forgive him for..but thts all in da past n i dont let the past bug/haunt me...he askd me wat id do/say if he told me wat we had in the past was nothin, jst a stupid illusn - so i said "yea wel watever u wana tink, i cant do nothin abt..like evything on earth u gna ve diffrent viewpoints/perspectives n if u tink we were a joke, heh wat can i do abt it? i ve my own views n say even if i blieve u were n stil r the love of my life, heh thers nothin u can do to change my mind"...

he said he misses me now, tht he likes this new me..im tinkin like "wtf"...i said look theres no need to dwell on the past, watever we had then is now long gone..uve movd on...ive movd on...heh lets both cont doin watever we re doin..n somtimes we can chat or talk on fone..this is kewl, watever we ve now is cool...im happy uve movd on n r bettr..n im happy ive movd on too....he said ive changd n he likes how i m now n is happy for me..i said yea ppl change, situatns change..

"wat if who u fell in love w isnt the me now?" he askd...ermmm.."n now im not who i was then..wud u stil love me? wud u stil want me?"..heh i said "whoever u were then, i fell in love with..who u r now, i dont know q honestly..but i m happy w wat we ve"..."wud u stil want me now?".."i dunno who u r..but one day at a time ill get to know u..like how it was in the past, i dint fall in love w ur name, or wat u typed on the screen...i fell in love with u, the man, the person...what u stood for, wat u represented"

it was an enlightenin chat...i had to cut it short coz i had to go meet jason...but gues wat, he rang on fone n it was kewl..twas friendly banter n we lol a lot..it was fun. he sounded a lil morose but i tink i sensed that he was smilin n happy...i was kinda happy too that he rang me, it was a pleasant surprise. felt good.....

sigh. n then last nite. blah..tings dint go too good, resultd in me stompin off. wtf....i dont know. sigh..i dont care..im tired...this is wat i always hatd abt him..he plays me like a fuckin yo yo..even whn we were together he d love me n treat me like a queen one min, n the nex min he treats me like im a piece of shit. stil, i played the good guy n said to him last nite "ure in a cranky/pissy mood tonite..ill take tht into consideratn" then ignored him all nite......good riddance. i was in a gd mood all day yest too n i dint want him to ruin it fer me

met this guy desmond online, spent more than 10 hrs chattin w him whoa! lol...hes ok, hes in toronto at the mo - orginaly frm vancouver...

today im gna do absolutely nothin. b a bum n get fat...sigh :( since jason told me abt the vegan oreos ive bn havin some evyday :( fuck i actualy feel the pounds pilin on me..damn. no more junk for me....i dont even wana wieigh myself, im sure ive put on the past cpl days alone

oh yea speakin of jason, we ve got a poss campaign comin up nex few days: if all works out n we get the green light from peta usa the campaigns gna b spearheaded here, taiwan n sing..n to a smaller xtent, usa - but only for publicity/media purposes..im q excitd, lookin fwd to it..in the meantime jasons off to taiwan to inspect a few dog shelters..he gna do a demo too heh.

the other day we bought a digivideo cam together..heavens he took a min to buy it, no questions askd..jst forked over the $$$. wasnt that cheap either!..im like 'r u sure?' well whn we got bk to the office there was a glitch w smth n now hes tinkin of takin it bk..heh

oh speak of da devil: email from jason brb

2003-04-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

heh damn i went to bed at almost 8am today

2003-04-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

eyes closing....................

2003-04-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

yawn

2003-04-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

tired :( ive bn sittin here motionless the past 30mins..heh. starin at this monitor..watching nothin. my eyes r a blank n my brains a blur...whoa. today i woke up prety late coz i was recoverin frm last nites drinkin, i dint even ve the energy to take jinn for a walk so i askd ryan to do it for me..thankfuly he did, im mighty grateful to him for that heh. then i chatd w tatto a bit (more on this later) then went to meet jason for more work.

actualy today i went over to his plc, heh nice studio appt - was a bit apprehensive at first abt goin to his plc. but it was realy kewl..we had fun chattin, listenin to his weirdo mp3/cd collectn, oh yea of cos we also got some work done...tings r gettin btr, im not so shy w him nemore n not so self conscious - like i can speak on the fone, make cold calls, make enquiries w him lookin at or watchin me heh...then we had dinner (thai)..we split rite after dinn...i chattd w veni on fone on the way home, then i walkd jinn w mom n here i m.

me n jason dont click - hes so american he bores me, n he irritates me somewat..he talks a lot, luvs hearin himself speak..but HEY peta cudnt ve found a betr person for da job...jason is committed, hardworkin, determined, fearless, independent, streetwise. hes not intellectual or nothin but damn hes good at wat he does. i admire him n i ve lots of respect for him...plus hes nice. dead nice..too nice it makes me uncomfy/embarassd. hes great tho...the more time i spend w him the more at ease i m w him.

today we workd out the budget: estimatd/calcuatd start up costs, operatin costs..so he cud send the figs over to the head office, n once its given the all clear they gna send the money over n jasons gna start to set up the office...we ve temp office space for 3 mths - we re sharin w a v v generous peta donor - she owns restaurants, few bars, retail shops - so all her staff r under the same roof..she let us some some space, the office equipment, utilities etc. jst so jason has a plc to work frm...i tink start-aug we gna move to a proper office, but till then we b workin bk n forth tween the temp office n jasons appt.

oh the guardians startin, brb wil blog latr.

2003-04-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

i kissed veni.
stan ~~had~~ has been having sex w his ex since he flew back.

crazy world. my crazy crazy world.
im as tired as fuck but im.....feeling shit. thank u stan. thank u so much for makin me feel this way...but thank u also for givin me nuff reason to hate u. i tink i can get over u now...u n ur bullshit. veni was rite..ure a bloody waste of time. not worth my energy..not worth my time..n certainly not worth my love.

ive been out on my feel all day. jinns vet appt in the mornin..spent the afternoon w jason. n then rushd here n there w jason to get work done...had dinner, then drinks. got home at 11pm. met veni at 11.30, we went to chasers in an effort to make me feel btr abt the whoe stupid stan situation. it worked..i felt i was in love w veni all over again. we stayed till 2am..i droppd her off at her plc. we kissed...n i walkd home a happy girl.

i came home drunk. n i was happy for a while, for abt an hr. now i feel like absolute dirt tho. i feel tramped on, cheated on. i feel sick. im jst gna hit the sack n bloody get some sleep. im tired as fuck. last nite i stayd up till 6.30 chattin w stan (only for him to tell me that hes v interstd in me, n is fallin in love with me..BUT he feels we shud give each other space, coz its 'too dangerous' if we push things further. so fine, i told him i respect his decision n im gna back off..."no no we jst keep wat we have n let nature take its course" he said. HELLO? wtf does that mean..u dont want us to get close but u want us to cont watever it is we re doin? WTF. u want ur cake n u want to eat it too. "dont wana get too emotionally close to u" my ass.

fuck u stan
fuck u tatto

heh.
men suck

gna work w jason in the pm again tomorw. n then nite time i tink im meetin veni again, we re goin clubbin.
im beeped.

fuck u stan. i hate u.
hehe..thank u for givin me nuff reason to not want u.....i tink i can go on w my life now. u asshole.

2003-04-09T15:11:00.001-07:00

stan just broke my heart :~(

2003-04-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

fuck

2003-04-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

my nails r a pretty dark red now

2003-04-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

i joind in the fray today, bought some stuff to minimize or at least reduce my chances of gettin sars
1. hand sanitizer/gel (2 botts) - anti bacterial
2. anti bacterial hand lotion: family size
3. medicated disposable wipes

but i swear im not gna wear a fuckin surgical mask.

i also bought cotton pads n lens solution...hmmm tinkin of paintin my nails tonite...got nothin btr to do neway

2003-04-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

hmmm

2003-04-09T07:21:00.000-07:00

The earth is our mother.
Whatever befalls the eart, befalls the children of the earth.
This we know.
The earth does not belong to us; we belong to the earth.
All things are connected like the blood which unites one family.
We did not weave the web of life;
we are merely strands in it.
Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.

~ Chief Seattle, 1854

2003-04-09T06:24:00.000-07:00

hehee i jst got done cookin for jinney da baby. ooof this one took over an hr to prepare/make tho :| but i tink jinn will like...once again she stayed by my feet the whole while, or she kept comin n goin lookin up at me...wat a pwetty doggie she is =) neway i told her to shoo coz she kept comin in the way..plus she has a tendency to step on my feet, n not realize it heheh

this ones got sardines, cannd beans, ground beef, gratd carrot, sliced string beans, eggs, choppd bak choi, choppd cabbage, frozen veggies...yum. whn mom saw the finishd product she was mighty impressd..she askd "can we have some too?" heh..told her i threw in the eggshells too, for calcium....i hope jinn likes. poor thing hasnt eaten in 2 days already. need to get her appetite up n goin b4 i take her to the vet tomorw...

talkd w veni on the fone while i was cookin..hehe shes cute. we probly goin out this wkend, nothin big tho coz we goin w her stepmom...so i gues we cant get drunk heh, or at least not too drunk...but her stepmom is vewy cool..she knows how to partee, sometimes she gets drunk herself lol...

gna chill a bit, then clean my room or do some readin now.

2003-04-09T03:59:00.000-07:00

hmm. stupid kim bitch informd us today shes gna cancel al classes til further notice...stupid indecisive woman. after we fought yest over this, now shes closin the school til the hk govt reopens reg schoolin...dumbass woman. i turnd up today n there was nobody, i mean none of the kids turnd up. naturally! i mean if i were a mom i wudnt let my kids outta the hse..but dumb kim - concrd abt money - actualy rang up the parents, n pushd n pushd em to come bring their kids over to attend classes..the smartr parents said no fuckin way. but unfortunately, 2 kids did arrive..30mins late, after kim cajoled em into comin. sigh.

after class i said to kim tis best we suspend classes, coz its not safe for kids to b runnin ard...of cos i had an ulterior motive: i was gna ask her to cut bk my hrs at the ctr neway, coz i wana stay home more to look after jinn..so this actualy works to my adv. so this means i gna b idle for the nex 10days or so..or whever the govt decides to resume classes again..n nobody knows when thats gna b. sooo..hmm i get to stay home more, cook for jinn, do stuff ard the hse..heh.

i gna go over to jasons tomorw afternoon, he has a few things in mind..i tink its gta do w the demo/campaign hes kickin off in taiwan whn he goes there on the 21st..hmm mebe its an antifur campaign? not sure..id love to help him out tho, even if its for free..at least it keeps me bz n more imp, this is smth i totaly believe in. so i m actualy lookin fwd to all this

gna take jinn to the vets tomrow mornin - da poor girl cant walk :( this pm whn i took her out for a walk she dint do nothin: no pee no poo, zero. i tink she stoppd eatin coz it hurts to walk to her food n water bowl here at home..sigh. im feelin the stress again...she was like a totaly new doggy whn on the meds...now tht shes run out, shes sick n haggard again..it sucks seein her like that.

stil pissd off at tatto. hes on my msg msnger list..dang it. i was doin fine w o him...i dont even wana talk abt that asshole. waste of time..now look, my blood is boiling again....jst at the mention of his name. fuck it.

gna walk jinn now, n then cook dinner for her..hopefuly that entices her to eat..she hasnt eaten in 2 days :(

2003-04-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

off to 'work' blah. i hate kim. i hate this job...i hate tatto. i hate that jinn is sick again..i hate that its jst me lookin after her..worryin abt her. i hate bearin the sole responsibility of decidin when its the rite time for her to go. sigh...i wish someone understood me. damn tatto. "i think u shud put her down" WAT THE FUCK. u dunno SHIT abt me u fucker. jst coz u fuckin sold out dont mean i gotta too..u have no integrity, no decency, no morals. i wud hate to be u. stupid piece of horseshit.

2003-04-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

u n ur sordid ways..........damn u damn u damn u

2003-04-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

damn tatto...he did it again. he realy has me round his lil finger..me, the stupid one, always falls for it. how the fuck does he manage to do that?...coz hes a prick. a prick w the natural ability to be the low scummy sleazebag that he was born as. stupid dumbfuck. i hate you.

2003-04-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

*tingly sensation on bellybutton*....so i jst cleand my bellybutton w ethanol, n then i applid some antiseptic cream...i know its gross heh..shit, i jst dont want it to get infected...im v prone to scarring, the docs ve already told me that.. i ve keloids on my left arm n behind my left shouler..theres also a permanent tear under my left bicep, from whn my unc had to pierce into it w a syringe whn i came up w an abscess..it was filld w pus n it had grown into the size of a fuckin golfball.

pretty tired today..hmm. i experiencd smth weird today. i did smth extraordinary, smth the normal me wud never do, not in a million yrs...last nite i wasnt myself, dint tink of consequences, outcome, responsibility...sense, logic, rationality flew out the window....heh i met someone...hm had coffee (actualy i had mango juice, he had some tropical fruit juice thing)..ummm it went ok, it cudve gone btr i spose..actualy the meetin fell way byond my xpectatns....shit, he was a horrible conversationalist: he usd semi complete sentences n he barely said nethin interestin, nethin worth laughin at...evything i said was met w a "oh yea?" or -no comment- so it was mundane, boring. um n awkward..i tried to stir tings up a bit, oz im tinkin mebe hes nervous?..but he was non-reactive. boring. or bored? hmm well i did my best. i realy cud not ve bn ne better behaved. he jst suckd as a date. oh well..he was nice on the whole i gues. we jst dint click at all..hehe. oh well no loss..jst sent him an email thankin him for his time. i know ill never c him again.

zzZz..tatto n i chattd today for a bit. but he dozd off on me...again.....wats new....? sigh.

i still need to talk to my other boss abt thurday mornins class. if its canceld thn i wana help jason out...stupid me, told him id b free evy single day this wk coz im tinkin all my classes ve bn canceled...now i gta fess up n tell him i wont b as free as i thought i wud :( if i dint have these stupid bills to pay id love to work for jason for free even. i d also made an appt to take jinn to the vets tomorw, n now coz of class i gta cancel :(

man i hve a headache now....feelin a bit stressd out. i jst hate my job so much..i hate my boss (kim)..i wanna quit..but veni says its a bad idea - of course shes rite...so i gues i gta put up w her cpl wks longer, or poss months even..yawnnnnn sleepy, gna go to bed now

2003-04-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

heh..apologies, ive bn neglectin this blog as of late...dunno, jst been out of whack lately. besides nothin realy interestin is happnin in my pathetic, dreary, humdrum life. its sad.....hm

gues wat, today i got my bellybutton piercd!..was an impulse thing, i mean yea veni n i ve bn tinkin abt it for mths now..but today she jst said outta the blue "hey wana do it tonite?" n i said "ok y not"..dint realy give much tot to my answer til whn we were done w drinks n we were headin to the plc im like..totaly freakd out "hello r u sure u wanna do this?" lol..i was scard shitless i gta admit..tattoos is fine but the idea of bein skewered w a steel toothpick..ewwww. freaky freaky freaky.

so we went to the plc..bargaind down the original price heh, then he cleand up our bellybuttons n askd us to lay down on this couch thing, w a footrest...veni went first coz i was too freakd out heh. so he put a clamp on her bellybutton..actualy the clamp was more like a pair of forceps w holes thru em...so he clampd down bits of venis skin, then piercd it w a steel pin, thru the hole from one bit of the forceps to nother...ouch. it lookd realy yucks..bloody fuck: havin a steel pin penetrate ur skin...then it goes thru that piece of skin..the pin was as thick as a damn toothpick. then he removd the clamp n twistd a ball-stud thingy on top of one end of the pin. finito. heh

whn it was my turn n he piercd my skin, i yelped out "motha...........fucka!" lol..in slow motion. hhahaha..it was ok. wasnt as bad as i tot but then...it wasnt as pleasant either. i mean im tinkin i love pain n gettin tattoos is a treat for me, i find the experience pleasureful..so wats a piercin rite, probly nothin. ouch. was a big mistake...wateva. wel the point is, its done n over w n my conclusion? gimme a tatt netime...n no, i dont tink im gna go thru w a piercin under my lower lip. that wud b tooo much pain. heh

wel he put a piece of gauze over it..n we were done. hehheh.

i also had a mega fight w my stupid boss today, kim. stupid bitch. stupid stupid bitch. she dint tell me classes resumd today so she rang me while i was waitin for veni at the train station..i tot she was kiddin whn she rang, askin me where i was n wat time i was gna b there...we ended up fightin for 10 mins over the fone, w me sayin she nev told me tht i had class today n her insistin that she did. i cudnt talk to her nemore w o raisin my voice ne more than i shud to a boss..so i said "look i dont wana argue w u, can u pls pass the fone to ur bro" (who i work w, i get along w him q well)..i compromisd w her bro: ok im gna come in but jst for one class, but they gta cancel the class rite aftr tht coz im not gna ask veni to wait for me for 3 hrs..so whn veni turnd up, i took her w me to work..she waitd for me listenin to her discman as i taught sigh. i made her wait 90 mins for me :( i felt realy shit abt it..to top it off she got interrogatd by that dumbass bitch (dab):

dab: oh. u r so white..where r u from?
veni: er, the phils
dab: wah. so lucky u..but fils r mostly v dark. how come u r white??
veni: er....

stupid bitch.

neway we went for drinks after tht...was ok. dint drink much, jst cpl botts of beer...then went for our piercings, had indian for dinn - oh we got friendly w the waiter there..i mite take jason there someday. good food, very cheap as well. xcellent service..i left a hefty tip heh. u c? gd service gets u evywhere...

kinda sleepy. gna eat some fruit then change, n get ready for bed. mite zzZz earlier tonite....damn i got work tomorw :(

2003-04-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

hmmm

had a somewat ok day today...class turnd out btr than xpctd coz jst 2 kiddos showed hehe...2 is always the best no. coz i get paid the same rate as i wud if there were 8, 9 kids heheh..however if jst 1 kid turns up

2003-04-06T23:24:00.000-07:00

LOL..chck this out

With reference to your interview with our company this morning, we are sorry to inform that the position of personal assistant/marketing assistant has now been filled. However, we sincerely believe there is a position available in our company for youself. Please bear with us and we will contact you sometime towards the end of this month/beginning of next month.

Thanks,

Regards,

i sent a thank u email in response..hehe...my first ever one. i never send post-interv thank u emails/notes..such a waste of time.

neway i jst got bk from runnin some errands: i paid my credit card bill (in the amt of 3k! sniff sniff...), paid rent for nother yr for my po box, n also paid off part of my uni loan...blah..stil got my cell fone bill to go, n my landline bill as well...er plus im takin jinn to the vet this weds, tht shud cost me 1k at least..yikes. hopefuly dad forks out half, as he always does..hmm

my boss rang me while i was out, todays class at 5 is on so tht means i gta go get ready n also fig out wat to teach the kiddos today..shit. i got no time. i gta leave in an hr n i stil gta shower n all that....hmm lookin on the bright side of things, at least im gna get paid today too heh. need to save tho, i wana pay off my credit card bill so *just in case* i do go on that trip w stan, ill get to use my credit card...i told mom abt it n she said i cud go, once this sars epidemic blows over......teeheeheee. wonder if hes stil up for it tho? ummm

gta go get ready, bbl

2003-04-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

gd morning!

hmm kinda agitated at mom so im gna try n cool down b4 leavin my room...i SO hate it whn she doenst ve school coz me n her jst dont get along..she wonders y im coopd up here all the time, well its coz i hate havin her ard n i hate hearin her NAG NAG NAG NAG...i cant stand it. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...she tinks im here coz i wana use the pc all day..shit no, im here coz i hate bein w her outside..she says all sorts of shit i cant bear to hear, my blood boils n i grit my teeth jst to keep it in...im afraid im gna xplode n jst yell at her...stir up shit n then all hell will break loose..so bein here is a good thing, trust me..i jst wish she knew that. i almost told her "shut up" just now whn i was on the fone w dimp n she bargd into my rm n she (mom) opend her big mouth..i just said "SH..." n i glared at her so bad she jst muttered some shit n closd the door.....FUCK, get away from me n nex time knock b4 u enter my room, goddammit!....please, let all the schools reopen already..i cant stand her here....

yest she pissd me off whn her friend was over, whn she opend her big mouth abt smth id told her in confidence on saturday..i flung stuff at her, i was mad as hell n i cudnt do nothin abt it coz tht friend was ard...if she wasnt, i wud ve said some prety nasty things to mom...sigh :( i tink despite all our attempts to hve a somewhat normal mother-daughter rel, evything ends in failure, disappointment, resentment n bitterness..n i know shes tryin n all....but she still FUCKS up left rite n center no matr wat..im ready to give up. i hate bein disappointd, esp after she keeps my hopes up...evything comes crashin down like a hse of cards n i get realy, really pissd off...

i trustd her w somethin on sat, told her stuff..smth personal, smth imp to me...i actualy felt gd abt tellin her afterwards, coz that made her part of smth, smth that made me happy...it was smth close to my heart, n trust me i hvent had nethin good goin for me in many mths now...so this was majorly important to me..n then yest whn this friend was over wat did mom do? bloody not jst told her abt it, but dad was there too n she jst went blah blah blah alllllll the fuckin way...n then she pushd it even further whn she came to my rm askin me for stuff i showd her on sat too, coz i was so xcited then i even showed her some things....i was SO enraged i told her "y the hell u tellin her all this, u dint need to....im not gna tell u nethin nemore"..i felt like slammin the door at her face n tellin her to fuckin get away from me coz at tht point i cudnt even bear to c her fuckin face......ARGH. so she said loud enuff for her friend n my dad to hear "oh. i was jst talkin abt it n...." n i interruptd "well y the hell u blabbin evything to evyone"..she said quietly "ok fine then, i wont tell em nemore" "TOO LATE, u told em already!!!" n i flung watever she wantd to show em at her face "JUST GO AWAY, close the door on ur way out".....damn it. i know i was horrid..but it takes a lot for me to trust ppl, n whn they break tht trust..whn they let me down...that hurts me like shit. im not that much of an unforgivin person....but i dont forget easily (not my bad, i jst cant help it) - n i esp remm all the hurts, pains, disappointments..u cross me n ill remm it forever....i hate double crossers, i hate liars, i hate hypocrites, i hate bullshit artists, i hate mean ppl

n rite now, today, i hate mom....so get away from me n ud btr not open ur mouth....or i swear im not gna b able to hold it in ne longer n things r gna get sooooo damn fuckin ugly.

so there. sue me for bein such a bitch to my own mom.....but shit, last nite i was talkin to tom abt wat happ at my bros weddin n how she hurt me n humiliatd me...n i startd to cry. i will NEVER forgive her for wat happ that day...that day was the definin moment: that day u showed me that im not ur daughter..that i will never b ur daughter..n that u will never b the mom i needed n so desperately wish i had whn i was growing up. sorry, but its too little too late...im a big girl now n its ok to not ve a mother..im past that. i dont owe u nethin n u dont owe me nethin..we jst fuckin live under the same roof. the end.

just leave me alone n mind ur own bzness....this is MY life, u gave it to me n then u ruined it all da way whn i was growing up.well now i wana live my life the way i c fit..im not hurtin u, im not hurtin nebody..im jst livin my life here. so get the fuck away from me n leave me the hell alone.

2003-04-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

i did loadsa readin tonite: read the papers n also surfd the net for gossip...havent done that in mths. the latter i mean...my ass is hurtin frm sittin so much tho lol...still, feelin lazy n unmotivated n disinterestd in evything...lotsa stuff gta get done but stil no progres. this is frightenin..its like my life is in complete shambles all the time..yawnnnnnnn shit i m dead sleepy. i m so sleepy my eyes r closin on me as we speak hehehhh

gta ring up my boss tomorw n ask him if i can come get my pay..since chances r i aint gna c him til mths end whn school reopens...n i cant wait tht long coz i got major bills to pay. i tink i prefer goin to work btr, at least i was gettin paid...unlike now. hmpth. i love the free time but hate the fact tht i ve no money to spend.

hendra calld tonite. i dint give a shit. i was cold, mean, indiffrent, rude....watevaaaa..i dont care abt him nemore...i tink ive xperiencd nuff shit w tatto to know that u jst cant keep givin men so many chances. they fuck up over n over again n thats it. throw em out the window....they arent worth it. they sooo arent worth ur time or energy..so hendra can jst disappear n i wudnt care less...hes a nice guy n all but...sorry, ure not worth it.

as for tatt, hes bn actin weird lately since i told him abt me n veni...i tink hes jealous. hmmm...will blog abt this tomorw, im fallin asleep at the keys here heh

2003-04-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

kunyit asam is yummy

2003-04-06T05:03:00.000-07:00

i tink every mother should tell her child this, n evyone shud know this, n keep it close to their heart:

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career however humble: it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture the strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do no distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars: you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

2003-04-06T04:38:00.000-07:00

lol..this man was in a 14 hrs standoff w police coz he refusd to go to the hosp..apprently he d bn diagnosd as havin sars n he dint wana b quarantined - health dept officials enlistd the help of police..lol hilarious!

stats so far: 22 dead n 842 infectd (i tink - i stopd caring)....42 new cases today. hmm but a swedish guy died of it too, he contractd it whn he was in china..he workd for the ilo....in china 1247 ve died from it! shit thats a hell lot of ppl...

so far ive done nothin but read the papers....blah. i hate me. i hate being so unproductive n lazy n unmotivated.......

2003-04-05T22:21:00.000-08:00

hmmm..i know y nothin gets done here. y i hvent bn able to clean up my rm the way im dyin for it to b...money! i simply dont ve the dosh to spend..ummm...the more i clean n organize the more stuff that needs to b kept n maintaind..eg, books need bkshelves..stuff from old loves tht need to b packd away n hidden out of sight for good, they need to b stuffd in boxes, or em plastic type container thingies, under the bed...n clothes need space! shit i ve too many clothes n no more space in my closet..i mite ve to turn to the last resort: chuck the older or less usd ones to make way..sigh....ohwel i gta get my clothes for the summer out neway. n keep the winter ones....hmm shit, so much to do :(

the most imp ting tho, is to send tatt his stuff...rite now they r takin up allll the space under my bed, so evything else ve bn relegatd to the floor, on my bed, bhind my bedrm door, outside in the livin rm, on my pc desk, my chair ARGH. i so hate my rm rite now....i askd veni last nite if she cud come by n help me organize evything, she lovesss doin that sorta ting..she said sure y not, but frankly speakin, im afraid of wat she ll discover hiddin in my closet - both literaly n figuratively heh - n she ll probly want me to trash evything ..hmm esp stuff from AS, tatto n roque...i m stil not ready for that...i sometimes hate the fact tht i m sentimental as hell, i end up keepin evy lil single momento tht reminds me of....the gd times we had.

my tums grumblin..tink im gna go cook up some food...i stil hvent goten round to payin my bills, i must get this done by tomow or else.gulp.....

i need to go eat..i feel like shit for some reason. mebe foodll cheer me up...

2003-04-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

wat an unproductive day..i feel so unmotivated these days. i hate it...theres so much to do. i nev get round to doin em coz i jst dont ve the motivation...sigh where to start. whn i tink abt the stuff tht needs to b done i get a migraine, a headache...the stress is overwhelming...it kills me inside...enuff talkin abt all this, i feel my stomach beginnin to churn...ugh

sigh.

i miss stan.
i dont like hendra at this point...in fact, i hate him.

watever.
stupid stupid day........

2003-04-05T12:20:00.000-08:00

201 great questions for married couples
- jerry d. jones (navpress)

hannibal
- thomas harris (arrow)

italian cooking (family circle)

stir fry & pan fry recipes (family circle)

new ways with vegetables (family circle)

curries (womens weekly)

indonesian cooking (family circle)

brilliant chicken recipes (family circle)

desserts made easy (jb fairfax press)

vegetarian (womens weekly)

fast workday dinners (family circle)

hawai'i cooks from the garden
- maili yardley (mutual)

the scorecard: keeping score in the relationshpi game
- greg gutfeld (chameleon)

living the simple life
- elaine st. james (hyperion)

our love is too good to feel so bad
- mira kirshenbaum (avon)

tangled in the web
- dr kimberly s young (1st books library)

cooking with kurma
- kurma dasa (chakra press)

2003-04-05T02:42:00.000-08:00

wel i met up w jason for coffee then we hung out at hmv for abt an hr or so..browsd thru the local artists sectn, he was showin me which singers he wana use for peta shoots to air/run here in hk...since theyre targettin the local community they gta use local celebrities. hes def got christy chung on his bks, shes already agreed to do smth

neway it was kinda fun bein w him at hmv, in a more relaxd setting..whn we re drinkin coffee hes so serious n we always talk abt al/ar stuff..which is all fine n gd w me but then again u always want or need to know abt the person ure talkin to yea...hes got great taste in music i learnd lol, i dint know ne of whoever he was talkin abt..i bought 3 cds: the fixed lp by nin, the daredevil soundtrack n craig davids slicker than ur average album..hes so damn sexy.

one ting jason told me freakd me out tho: he said he doesnt buy cds of ppl who wear fur, or ppl who openly go against compassionate livin...he said he ll listen to their music but wont give em ne money hmm...i hope hes not that much of a freak. i mite get turnd off to the cause n i def dont want that...bk in syd eg, i met up w someone from the alf n he was so damn xtreme it imme put me off, i dint wana ve nethin to do w him afterwards...pity, coz i did wana volunteer at the alf..but he jst gave me goosebumps all over.

hm gta walk jinn soon....i tink ill do more job apps tonite.

sorta ve been tinkin abt stan all day. i miss da guy......

2003-04-05T01:58:00.000-08:00

Wish (Remix)
- nin

this is the first day of my last days
I built it up now I take it apart
climbed up real high now fall down real far
no need for me to stay
the last thing left I just threw it away
I put my faith in god and my trust in you
now there's nothing more fucked up I could do

wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you

i'm the one without a soul i'm the one with this big fucking hole
no new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell
gotta listen to your big time hard line bad luck fist fuck
don't think you're having all the fun
you know me I hate everyone

wish there was something real wish there was something true
wish there was something real in this world full of you

I want to but I can't turn back
but I want to

2003-04-05T01:50:00.000-08:00

its not abt winnin or losin..its abt living, learning n moving on, as a stronger, wiser person...a little bit at a time.

2003-04-05T01:34:00.000-08:00

Gave Up
- nin

perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most
forgot how it feels well almost
no one to blame always the same
open my eyes wake up in flames
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me realize
it took you to make me see the light
smashed up my sanity
smashed up my integrity
smashed up what i believed in
smashed up what's left of me
smashed up my everything
smashed up all that was true
gonna smash myself to pieces
i don't know what else to do
covered in hope and vaseline
still cannot fix this broken machine
watching the hole it used to be mine
just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
of the trust i will betray
give it to me i throw it away
after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become
i tried
i gave up
throw it away

2003-04-04T22:39:00.000-08:00

im off..hehe i showd mom all my animal lib literature, in the vague hope she converts...yea riteeee...neway at least she knows wat im up to, wat im into..told her im meetin jason now, she had all sorts of qstns..esp whn i told her hes bn banned from visitin india again coza the trouble he stirred up while he was frontin peta there.

gta go, still need to go to the bank to get some money out b4 i meet him

laterz

2003-04-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

LOL jst chattd w stan again....he is SO funny hahahha..shit hahehahe he gagged me tonite hehe...wat a sweetheart he is =) <3

2003-04-04T11:58:00.000-08:00

i ve a major headache n i feel dizzy...need. sleep. zzZzzzzzzzzzzzz

2003-04-04T11:34:00.000-08:00

hmmm...major revelatns tonite, whn stan n i chattd over msn. im surprisd...pleasantly surprised i gues. but u nev know..phaps he was jst in one of em moods, feelin emotionaly vulnerable...n i jst happ to b online, so he got soppy...mebe he dint mean evything he said? but it was fun chattin w him neway....of course nothin beats talkin to him in person...but whn i chat w him i remm his face, his mannerisms, his voice, his sweetness. n i love him more n more the more i remm him..hehe...its somewat strange tho that prior to all this we nev so much even wrote to each other, n at first id resent him for that..but latr i got usd to it..i dint need to write him so often, i startd to miss him less...coz i had this blog i guess heh..n i got bz doin other stuff, like cookin for jinn, readin, goin to the lib, spendin time w veni..

no doubt abt it tho, i m realy realy into this guy.

i cookd for jinn today. i tink it was my best dish ever: macaroni w ground beef n veggies. she loved it i swear...n it smelld real good..mebe ill give some to ryan tomorw heh, v healthy too: no salt, i usd olive oil, no fat...im proud of myself, i tink i shud cook for jinn mor often..makes me feel good abt myself n more imp, it makes her happy.

meetin jason at 3 tomorw for coffee. in the mornin i gota pay:
* credit card bill
* part of uni loan

then nex wk theres my land line fone bill, my cell bill..hmm so far thats all i can tink of rite now..ouch my head is hurtin. i got barely 3 hrs sleep last nite coz of the stupid interv this mornin..n in the afternoon i had a lot of errands to do..im feelin pretty knackered n my legs r achin a bit

gna write email to hendra n stan then go zZZz

2003-04-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

Power train says:
have u thought about what u would like me to be as far as you and i are concerned
punky says:
i never not wish u were here
Power train says:
what?
punky says:
2 negatives = 1 positive rite..so tht means 'im always wishin tht u were here'
Power train says:
weird way of writing
Power train says:
then what
punky says:
hahaha well dont wana b too blunt
punky says:
tht scares most men away uknow
Power train says:
u wont scare me away
Power train says:
tell me honestly
punky says:
i tink i ve the capacity to
punky says:
ting w me is...i hate mindgames
punky says:
so im always blunt, frank w ppl..i hate guessin wat they feel, n i hate em guessin wat i feel too
punky says:
but the dilemma is: wat if my bein frank, upfront w em..scares em away, pushes em away
Power train says:
and i dont want to guess what u feel... so please share your thought with me
punky says:
i dont want that...i dont wana risk losin ppl jst coz i cant handle ambiguity, vagueness
Power train says:
u are pain on my butt
punky says:
i scare ppl away..i always do that
punky says:
yea i know
Power train says:
please tell me
punky says:
i found out the hard way tht sometims i gta not b so honest w ppl
punky says:
tht sometimes honesty is not always the best policy
punky says:
tht somteimes u do gta compromise ur integrity, ur values, ur principles...
Power train says:
if u dont leap, how can u go over to the other side

Power train says:
elaborate
punky says:
tht life is not all abt the self
punky says:
life is not abt u
punky says:
its abt a whole bunch of tings, esp ppl
punky says:
ppl who u may not giv a shit abt..but who care abt u nonetheless
punky says:
n u owe it to em to do wat they want u to do or xpect u to do..regdless of wat/how u feel
Power train says:
....

punky says:
gues im too embarassd to answer u hahahah
Power train says:
you still havent told me what you would like me to be with you...
Power train says:
tell me please
punky says:
i let u be
punky says:
regdless of wat i want

Power train says:
this is how you feel about me. but i was aasking what you would like me to be... with you...
punky says:
fuck
punky says:
it was hard nuff admittin all that stuff to u
punky says:
heavens
Power train says:
heavens or hell to u
punky says:
heheheh
punky says:
truth b told, if u were here i wud like us to b uknow
punky says:
n thts y iaskd u a long time ago whthr u blievd in long distance rels..of course u know y i askd u
punky says:
at the same time i know u ve lots goin on in ur life n mebe u dont ve time/space for watever...n i dont ever want to b a hindrance to u achievin ur goals
punky says:
yet uknwo smth, honestly i wud support watever u choose to do, n do watever i can to help u achieve it...as long as it makes u happy
Power train says:
silly... not only are you not a hindrance, but you can help me a big deal
punky says:
but i dont know wat u want..uve nev xpressd netthin to me

Power train says:
not a coworker... i would say a partner
Power train says:
.. in crime..
punky says:
bzness partner
punky says:
im smilin now altho i dont know wat for
Power train says:
,more than that...
punky says:
stil tryin to guess wat ure sayin i spose
Power train says:
my commuincation skill suz i guess
punky says:
nah
punky says:
ure just afraid
punky says:
arent u?
Power train says:
afraid of what
punky says:
afraid of hmmm u tell me
punky says:
2 ways of lookin at it
punky says:
y dont u guess
Power train says:
u are the one who hates people guessing u
Power train says:
so pls tell me
punky says:
ok the way i c it there r 2 ways of lookin at this u n me thing
punky says:
1. fear of rejection, obviously
Power train says:
shoot
punky says:
2. fear of .. uknow. coz we dont know if or how or wehther its gna pan out the way we want to (IF we want to)
punky says:
catch my drift?
punky says:
(shit y m i always the one sayin the hard embarrassin nitty gritty stuff??)
Power train says:
......
punky says:
c wat i mean? me n my stupid big mouth
punky says:
u ve to shut me up somtimes

Power train says:
and the cool thing is... u dont seem like a person who wants to control or change the man, or the person she would love

Power train says:
the only drawback is u dont eat meat.. (shit i am hungry right now)

Power train says:
btw sweetie.... u dont mind i am that many years older than you?
punky says:
lol
punky says:
that thought nev crossd my mind
punky says:
in fact sometimes i feel im older than u, mentality/attitude wise
punky says:
hahaha

Power train says:
nite ... luv u
Power train says:
shuuush we ll pretend i dint say that too

2003-04-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

stan. adorable. so so adorable. i cant help but love da the guy. so so so sweet.....

2003-04-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

stan emaild me, askin if i wana do the trip w him..ummm wat to do? i mean ive bn meanin to get away in ages...but there r always issues, specificaly: money n jinn. hmmm wonder if folks even gna consider lettin me go..they dunno nethin abt stan n apart fmr tht they r convincd ive slackd off for way too long as it is...n if stans willin to pay for my fare, do i wana tell mom n dad that? theyd b horrified, to say the least..mortified wud b more accurate heh....hm mebe i can tell em hes loanin me the cash instead?..hmmm one tings for sure: i know we d ve lots of fun together..i love his company...ive nev njoyd neone elses company as much as his..sounds xagerratd but its the truth...whn ure w him u lose track of time, of where u r, wat ure doin..hes...dynamically pulling, its like u get drawn to him automaticaly n u cant let go..u drown in his company n u love it...hes got a magnetic personality..he encaptures u, entraps u....w his wit, sense of humor, wisdom, wordly xperiences..hm. enuff gloatin abt the guy already.

wel the more imp issue...is jinn of course. i cant risk goin away whn she needs me rite now...whn she needs me more than ever in her life..i dont know wat to do. veni says i shudnt 'wait' for jinn to go n then get on w things in my life...godknows ive bn doin that for 2 long yrs now...im so afraid of getin a real job, coz i dont want to lose her whn im not around...my lifes bn on a complete standstill. veni says i shud cont doin watever it is id b doin as if jinn were fine n healthy...but stil, i cant help it. times too precious now n i dont want to waste it bein away from her...hmmm need to tink long n hard abt this.

the interv this mornin went SHIT lol...i literaly ran outta there whn it was over, the heels of my shoes cluckin down the corridor all the way to the lifts...shit i wish i nev went :( i was so embarrassd...the guy was embarassd too, he was realy shockd at me..at one point he dint know wat to say or how to react bcos i said somethin incredibly, unblievably stupid..it was SO bad i even buried my head in my hands..in utter mortification. i feel so sorry for myself...my god...wat the hell went wrong...watever cud go wrong did go wrong: evy single aspect, in evy single way...i ve no desire to cont talkin abt it coz i cringe at the thought. EWWWWWW.

sleepy. mite take a nap soon..hm need to walk jinn first tho..hmm

2003-04-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

tinkin thoughts of hendra hm. this is not good...

2003-04-03T12:14:00.000-08:00

need to b up in 2 hrs for the job interv. i jst set up my profile at yahoo..wat for i dont know. since i only ve stan on my list hahah..hmm today was a fairly bz day. met up w veni again..hmmm sleepy, will blog tomorw.

2003-04-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

colin farell is one helluva cutie.

2003-04-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

: arent u feelin cold?
: umm no
: i tink ure cold..put somethin on. ure not wearin nuff
: umm no its sooo hot outside, im sweatin
: r u sure?
: yes
: me i wore a sweater even, its cold
: no its not, u were at school n the aircon theres realy strong
: hm u have so many....tattoos
: no i only ve 4
: u cant remove em nemore?
: no
: so that means theyre permanent?
: yep

lol......jst nother of our conversatns, tween mom n i..

2003-04-02T23:56:00.000-08:00

im off
tis so hot....but im wearin a nice blk tank top so tis fine lol

2003-04-02T22:37:00.000-08:00

i need to shower then meet this woman from uni loans...blah. she seems nice nuff..i jst dont wana ve to make the trip jst to c her ugh...it is friggin hot n humid today n im sleepy/irritated..wtf. i tink i dint sleep nuff last nite too...n then nother woman rang up early this am askin me to come in for an interv tmorw morning at 9.30 :( shit that is dead early....its q far away from here too..shit. shit shit. ok ok im not spposd to bitch, after all this is a poss job opp rite? hmm..need to get my interv clothes ironed today then. also need to prepare my job interv portfolio. hve my cv printd out again, coz ive run out of copies...

oh she rang bk cpl hrs later to ask where im from. BITCH.....i was too tired to ask her y she needed to know (after all its statd on my cv wat lingos i can/cant speak)..but nmind, she was polite so i was too.

need to shower, ryan jst buggd me sayin he needs to shower asap too...well i wana go first.

2003-04-02T22:29:00.000-08:00

shit im sleepy

2003-04-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

oh ya n tatto rang this am wantin to chat, lol i said i was out havin brekkie w veni...he rang n we had a gd time laughin abt stuff, aftrwards veni commentd that i was too 'coquettish' w him n that i shudnt b tht way w him..coz i jst build up his ego evy time it shows im still into him....hmmmm which gives him more reason to play me like a violin, comin n goin as he pleases..at his convenience...

of course, shes rite...

2003-04-02T13:05:00.000-08:00

thursday (tomorw):
meet w woman from student loans office

friday:
meet job agent to pick up paycheck

saturday or sunday:
meet jason for coffee

our bellydancin class this fri got cancld coz of the sars virus, it gna b postpond to nex fri.

oh yea. hendra rang tonite. but my cell was outta batt so i dint know till jst cpl hrs ago whn i chkd voicemail. damn..hes beginnin to like me...n i dont want to hurt him. he knows i like him too but hes gta know tht im not ready for/dont want a rel w him..sigh.

i ve a splitting headache. mst b the vodka...need to zzZzzz......

2003-04-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

oh gues wat. i met up w stan on msn msger last nite..well early morning. twas abt 4.30am. chatted for abt an hr....i had to go coz mom was gna b up soon n i dint want her to c me still up...

shit was so much fun. hes so witty..i stil hvent forgotn that abt him..his wit. his sense of humor..hes quick, smart, intelligent..y i fell in love w him in the first plc...heh. not coz of wat he lookd like - when we first met it was too dark n i was too tipsy to take note of his looks - twas only the nex day whn we went out on a date, i realizd he was quite gorgeous too lol..hes beautiful. lol..look at me, im swoonin again. hahahahh

"how hard wud it b to get a uk visa?" he asked
"eh, for u, no biggy..shud b a piece of cake"
"no no i mean u"
"huh y do u ask, of cos i nev tot of that"
"im tinkin of goin on a trip to ireland n scotland. wanna come join me?"

WHOA??
"i can help u out financially"

WHOA
"im serious, pls tink abt it"

i wud love to. i wud sooooo love to. but godknows how mom n dad gna react to all this..actualy i do know. "WHAT? r u out of ur mind? of course u r NOT gna go on this trip w this man!" they ll say :(
sigh..

neway, stan said we gna talk abt this more later..but knowin him he probly gna forget he even askd me lol. watever.

niterz.

2003-04-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

tired..jst woke up after dozin off in bed..heh i was meant to jst rest my eyes for a bit.

today was a v v jam packd day..whoa. i surprisd myself..i actualy had a great time. was out w veni until late..lol, spent more than 12 hrs together w her..it was hilarious....at one point at abt 9pm shes like "u jst spent 12 hrs w me, u not sick yet?"..n i said "nooo i cud do w cpl hrs more, blieve me"..she replied "eh? jst cpl hrs?" heehe...we got tipsy towards the end n had a fabulous time singin classics from the 80s. er yea lol..we spent all nite at the pier singin 80s songs, it was sooo much fun. brought bk childhood memories.."oh no shit not that song, that was my n tattos songs" id say at certain intervals, whnevr she d stumble across songs i did NOT want to remm n ve bn avoiding like the plague for mths n mthns now..."naman! ang dami naman yan!" lol she said

we met at abt 9.30a for brekkie...we ended up walkin ard till abt 10.30 coz she wantd to have curry for brekkie (!) n the plc wudnt open its doors till then...then while we were eatin mom rang, askin me n veni to go visit her at school since nobody was ard...so we did, after eatin..whoa great plc, my moms school...like a big indoor playgrd heheh..she showd us ard..twas realy impressive..def not the type of kgs im usd to, whn i was growin up i had an old derelict bldg n a slide - actualy more a metallic piece of 'work' falling to pieces...the kg she workin in, mannn....kids ve it so lucky n ez these days..

then we went walkin, me n veni...went to bkstores to get stuff for her..mostly craft bks n phonetic books...hmm wat did we do nex. oh yea we were gna head home after tht but her bro calld her, buggin her to submit her applictn for some phils atm card/credit card..since she was free for the day n shes bn sittin on it for mths now...so instead i went over to her hse, she pickd up watever docs she needed, then we took the train to her bros bank..heh its a bit odd, b4 we entered the place venis like "dont b actin weird now ok? jst ignore him if he does or says nethin stupid"..lol. neway nothin happ, her bro played it cool as did i..as if nothins goin on. well its best this way of cos...so i hung ard as she n her bro did bzness, then veni n i went for coffee so she cud fill in more forms...at which point my boss rang up n we had issues to sort out..which ended w me sayin "look i dont want to ruin my holiday, can we pls not talk abt this? im tired n fed up of this..i realy m tired" heh...watever...then we headed bk to her bros plc. we were gna go home but i suggestd we shud walk a bit more, then cross the harbor by ferry instead of train..so we did. we walkd a lot..stoppd by at nother bkstore..then took the ferry. hmmm then bought some fries at mackers (cookd in veggie oil, natch)..got some botts at 7 11, n sat by the pier n drank.

n thts whn the fun realy began heh..we got tipsy nuff to b sharin silly stuff, but not tipsy nuff to b doin silly stuff heh...we were singin songs from the 80s, the songs we grew up listenin to heh..was so much fun. we had abt 4 botts of woodys ice i tink. heh..then i walkd her home. i realy had a great time w her...i felt close to her. she felt tht too i tink, coz whn she got home she said she "wasnt ready to say bye" heheh..oh i dint spend a single cent today. coz i tot all we were gna do was have brekkie so i brought jst nuff for brekkie n nothin else.

by the time i got home it was almost midnite..i walkd jinn, changd n had dinner...my eyes startd to close so i tot i shud take a quick nap in bed. woke up 3 hrs latr n here i m.

2003-04-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

hmm gna turn in now..i mean read in bed...
veni wants to ve brekkie tomorw...heavens. so i gta b up at 8 or smth, coz she wants to meet at 9...lol! whn shes got classes she whinges abt havin to get up soo early in the mornin but now, look at her...she dont gotta go to school, n more imp, she dont gta wake up so early nemore...but she says shes bored as shit n wants to do stuff..so here we r, wakin up real early...jst so that we can ve brekkie. hahaahahah

neway..i d/l-ed msn msger jst for stan da hunk...i dunno wat hes up to, given tht i hadnt heard from him in ages b4 this email of his...he probly jst needs to bounce ideas off me..watever ideas for his hk club thing

yawn.
gdnite world.

2003-04-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

Sweet heart, can u please sign up and download MSN Messenger so that you and i can talk online in real time? Please... i need to talk to you.

?

2003-04-01T07:57:00.000-08:00

gosh.......they r now loadin those infectd into buses to take em into concentratn-camp style places, far far away from civilizatn - like parks, retreats in the mid of nowhere, etc...to isolate em from the rest of us....n theyre dressd head to toe in hospital/surgical garb! gowns n masks n head coverings!...sigh....yet nother desperate (but belated) attempt to stop the virus from spreadin

this is crazy.

n there r rumors circulatin thru the vine that the govt plans to impose a curfew on all of us..so rite now theres mad rush evywhere, ppl stockin up on food, toiletries, the basic necessities...the supermart shelves r devoid of bread, tinnd food, rice, toilet paper.
mad mad mad mad!!! its mass hysteria here...

unfuckinbelievable

2003-04-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

smth frm hendra (who i still tink is cute btw, n sounds cute too):

LOVE starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR.

DON'T cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

Good FRIENDS are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.

You can only go as far as you push.

ACTIONS speak louder than words.

The HARDEST thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.

DON'T let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.

LIFE'S SHORT. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.

A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.

Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it.

BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.

When it HURTS to look back, and you're SCARED to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.

TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS. Friends are FOREVER.

Good friends are like STARS. You don't always see them, but you know they are ALWAYS THERE.

DON'T frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.

What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.

Most people walk in and out of your life, but only FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

AWESOME PRAYER:
May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

"I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

2003-04-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

HK heart throb Leslie Cheung commits suicide: reports

rip leslie cheung
u dint need to do this

:(

wat has our world come to? :((

2003-04-01T03:32:00.000-08:00

sigh
1 more died today
n nother 75 or so new cases

2003-04-01T03:28:00.000-08:00

he askd me if i was wearin a mask...i said i did wear one for 3 days last wk n then i stoppd, now i dont wear a mask.

him: why not?
me: coz i miss seein ppl smile, n laugh. i wana b able to smile at ppl
him: haheaheha since when?!!
me: since i stoppd havin the reason to smile..now i know how imp it is, wat it does to u, receivin a smile from someone
him: oh *silence*

n i nev realizd until then - whn i said this to him - y ive bn totaly resistant to the idea of wearin a facemask..i know wat a smile can do to someone..how it can turn someones day ard...it can make a world of diffrence

2003-04-01T01:00:00.000-08:00

tatto called.
blah.

i admit i missd him badly, hearin his voice....but then its so obvious hes moved on. his feelins ve changed..i wish he hadnt called....ill jst pretend that he dint. ill let him go..i have to. hes happier now..
i wish he hadnt called...i jst end up missin him.
but ill try n keep bz, forget abt him...forget he ever existed...sigh.

watever..........im fine. i jst gta forget he called jst now. coz honestly, i was doin fine....

2003-03-31T21:18:00.000-08:00

got this from my cousin cucu, who jst happs to b the most beautiful 16 y o in the phils i swear

Last...

movie you rented = rented? i dont rent..last flick i saw was chicago tho

song you've listened to = dont remm but its def on the same cd i listen to over n over again, one which i burnd many eons ago (nickelback, creed, incubus, five for fighting...)

song stuck in your head = nil really..i always think thoughts, not songs..like realizatns, stresses, self doubts/hatred

cd you bought = whoa was ages ago..it was smth me n tatt bought together

cd you've listened to = that cd i burnd many mths ago

person you've called = jason

person who's called you = veni, of course

Etc...

you have bf or gf = er...ok ok neither

you wish you could live some where else = manado

you think about suicide = yes

you believe in online dating = only if they plan on gettin together in real

guys you find attractive = its all in da mind baby! i *adore* intelligent men..n sense of compassion is a major plus

you want more piercings = yes

you want more tattoos = definitely

you drink = like a fish

you do drugs = not yet

like cleaning = i dont mind it

like roller coasters = theyre ok i gues..im too old for that sorta thing

cursive or print = it varies but mostly v v messy (n illegible) cursive

carry donor card = yes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fav....

food = i dont care, as long as its vegan

song[s] at the moment = ummm..cant tink of ne rite now. nickelback's how u remind me

things to do = read/write, blog, mope abt, go out clubbing/drinking

things to talk about = watever goes..as long as im w good company

sports = walking lots n lots, sometimes ill go for a run

drinks = beer, bacardi/coke

clothes = i dont go for labels..durin summer mostly tanks n jeans. goin out: tubes/halters w pants

movies = trainspotting, fight club, seven

band(s) = rite now ummm...creed, incubus, linkin park, the calling

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you....

ever cried over a guy or girl = of course..gosh.

ever lied to someone = white lies mebe..im a horrible liar

fist fought = does shoving n kicking count?

ever been arrested = nope

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What.....

shampoo do you use = i interchange tween tigi, vidal sassoon, wella n dove (whn i stick to one i get dandruff ewww)

perfume/cologne = my signature scent lol..havent usd it in a while tho, reminds me too much of tatto...he was the one who bought it for me

shoes = my trusty ol blk nikes, or my docs

scared of = hmm..failing my parents

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Number....

of times I have had my heart broken = once

of hearts I have broken = once (that i know of)

been in love = yes....

people you have kept in contact with from high school = 4? or 3...not many

regrets = havin hurt ppl who care abt me/who i care abt..other than that, not realy..i m who i am today coz of my mistakes in the past

2003-03-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

fantastic..i had the best sleep ever. hehehh..i needed that.
i also rang up jason (from peta) - he wants to put his cell under my name coz he hasnt got an id card yet...hes stil here on a tourist visa. hmm nothin happenin yet coz turns out theres no office space to work frm as he thought, someone fuckd up in the us office...sooo hes gna try n work tings out w the head office n we ll take tings from there. hes bz bz bz..hes also tryin to find an appt, hes lookin to buy one (!)...i hinted tht it probly isnt a v gd idea given todays property mkt, but he seems to ve made up his mind already.

also tried ringin up my boss abt my paycheck..shit if this sars thing goes on i wont ve ne money till nex wk at the earliest...i want her to deposit the money into my acct asap, since itll take 3 days to clear..or even, if its possible, i dont mind meetin her in person, at watever time...i dont care. i jst need smth now coz the wkend is comin up n i cant not ve ne money..her fone was switchd off yest n jst now nobody was pickin up..mebe shes avoidin me. blah..

well its bn almost a wk since all my classes got cancled coz of the virus. i want to go bk to work coz i need the money....dammit. theres so much i need to get done but i cant yet coz i dont ve the money hmm...the most imp bein send tatto his tings, pay my credit card/fone bills...mebe ill do some budgetin today. this mnth is gna b hard...its ryans n dads bday too.

ew. i have braincramp now.

2003-03-31T12:03:00.000-08:00

hmmm

**trying to rid her head of -ve thoughts**
BAM BAM BAM.

2003-03-31T11:39:00.000-08:00

i need to fix up this blog someday. im getin sick of it..

2003-03-31T11:04:00.000-08:00

babygrrl wont b comin to c me coz of the damn sars epidemic :((( we ve bn writin to each other for yrs n yrs - wat, 6 yrs i tink? n we ve never met yet...this was our chance but coz of the epidemic we wont b able to :(

2003-03-31T11:00:00.000-08:00

"Man is sometimes extrordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering."
-Fydor Dostoevski

2003-03-31T10:40:00.000-08:00

n this one from here

if the land could speak,
it would speak for us.
it would say, like us, that the years
have forged the bond of life that ties us together;
and it was her yielding that gave us life.
we and the land are one.

sayin of the Kalinga tribe of the phils

2003-03-31T10:13:00.000-08:00

taken from this blog:

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent
-eleanor roosevelt

nothing can bring you peace but yourself
-ralph waldo emerson

it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are
-e. e. cummings

freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong
-john g. riefenbaker

hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly
-langston hughes

shoot for the moon. even if you miss, you'll land among the stars
-les brown

fear less, hope more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours
-anonymous

it is not length of life, but depth of life
--ralph waldo emerson

the unexamined life is not worth living
-socrates

the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
-eleanor roosevelt

that which does not kill us makes us stronger
-friedrich nietzsche

2003-03-31T04:37:00.000-08:00

evyday i chk the casualty list of the us/allied troops fightin in iraq, to put a name n picture to the men (no women yet i tink) who died "fightin for peace" - an oxymoron, dare i say - on some short sighted, arrogant, power hungry "leader's" orders.
rest in peace, boys...ur fams mourn for u in grief n pain, but they salute ur courage n heroism.

tally so far (us/allied forces, coz there r no official figs on the iraqi side):
++ at least 67 deaths (11 r aged 21 or below - of these, 4 r only 19 yrs of age)
++ 19 mia (of these, 1 is just 18 yrs of age, 3 r 19 - one female, 3 others r just 21 yrs old, another 3 r 22)
++ 7 pows

2003-03-31T04:03:00.000-08:00

Since November, 54 people have died in 13 countries while around 1550 have been infected, most of them in mainland China and Hong Kong, according to the World Health Organization (WHO).

In Hong Kong alone, 60 more patients with symptoms of the illness were hospitalized on Sunday, the biggest one day rise since authorities began tallying figures.

This means 530 people in Hong Kong are now infected with the virus. So far 13 people have died in this city of 6.9 million people.

Hong Kong health officials said Sunday that a man who came down with the illness had been aboard Dragonair flight KA901 from Beijing-Hong Kong on Wednesday and they were trying to trace the other 222 passengers and 15 crew to see if they were infected.

SARS spread to other countries from Hong Kong after an infected mainland Chinese medical professor passed the illness to seven other people in a Kowloon hotel last month.

They in turn carried the disease to Singapore, Vietnam and Canada.

And on Saturday, the disease killed Dr. Carlo Urbani, the World Health Organization doctor who was the first to identify the latest outbreak when it appeared in Vietnam.

from cnn website

2003-03-31T03:34:00.000-08:00

the govt is isolating one whole bldg block for 10 days. no one is allowed in or out of the bldg. my god.....this is crazy.

2003-03-31T03:32:00.000-08:00

shit. 2 died today. 64 new cases. thats 15 dead. 610 infected.

2003-03-31T02:40:00.000-08:00

jinn is so cute.

i jst got done cookin for her n she was waitin by my feet the whole time..lookin at me w them ohsocute 'i want food pweeease' puppy dog eyes =)) hehehh..i choppd potatoes, carrots n string beans for her..cookd some ground pork, marinated w garlic n a pinch of salt...choppd up some more pak choi, then threw all the veggies in w the pork n rice...voila, c est fini..smart dog, she knew it was for her.

i went to the supermart today, bought some stuff for her: mostly fresh veggies like broccoli, mushrms, tomatoes..bananas even. i found a peanut butter n mashd banana dessert recipe for her...hmm bought some fresh chicken too. i mite make pasta for her tomorw or the day after. n i tink latr this wk im gna cook tuna casserole.

life is beautiful. indeed. whn u spend time w the one u love, or whn u spend time doin stuff for the one u love - now thats happiness. n u know n believe that life is beautiful.

2003-03-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

Once upon a here and now, lived a little man with a beautiful heart. His tender heart wanted none than anything to give and receive love.

Now and then people he cared for had no time for him. Some left. Some died. Some were angry. He didn't understand. His heart ached.

"I'm hurt. Nobody cares. I must protect myself," he thought. So he built a very strong safe around his heart so it wouldn't get broken.

Unfortunately he lost the combination. So when he met people who wanted to love him, he couldn't open his heart to them.

His heart hated being locked up and cried out in pain and anger.

The man couldn't bear to listen to the cries from the heart, so he invented lots of ways to drown them out.

He worked and worked and worked as hard as he could, though he had no idea why.

He drank lots of beer, wine and whiskey till he couldn't think about the cries. Of course, he couldn't think about anything else either.

He smoked cigarettes. Just a few at first, then more and more because each one doped the heart for a few minutes and kept it quiet. He couldn't stop even though he knew the cigarettes might shut his heart up for ever one day.

At last, in desperation, the heart attacked.

A little later the man sat in the garden and looked at the sky and the clouds. He listened to the birds and the wind in the trees. He looked at the colours of the flowers and the sunset over the sea. The man burst into tears.

"Do you give up?" whispered the heart.
"Yes," blabbered the man.
"Good. Then listen. It doesn't matter what others say or do. What hurts me most is when you lock me up like this. Please love me for what I am."
"Do you really mean to say that you want me?" said the man, surprised.

"Yes. I love you. Please love me back."
"I want to, but I've lost the combination."

"Well, let's find it then. Be still and tell me how you feel."
"I'm hurting. I can't bear it any longer."

"Who's hurting you?" enquired the heart.
"I could blame a lot of people."
"Yes, you could."
"But," hesitated the man, "I suppose it's me."

"That's OK," said the heart.
"It is?"
"In fact you should thank yourself. You were trying to protect both of us by building this safe."
The man pondered a moment.

"Thank you, Heart. Now I understand you. I can accept and love you. I love you!"

Just then the safe door swung open. The walls dissolved into light. The heart stood proud and took a deep breath.

"That's better isn't it?"
"I'll say," laughed the man. "Now what?"
"We start living! Follow me!"

So the man followed his heart...
He ran.
He danced.
He sang.
He fell in love.
He painted.
He wrote poems.

He planted a lovely fragrant garden and lay smiling in the shade of the trees he planted.

"Guess what," he said to his heart.
"What?"
"I think we've found the combination!"

my eyes filld w water as i was readin this at the lib: the hurt, disapointment, bitterness n anger..i cud relate to totally. i hated evything n evyone. most of all i hated myself...n then the drinkin, smoking followed..in a desperate attempt to fill the void...to keep my mind bz, but most of all: to keep my heart free from pain..the ache, the constant hurt i was feelin.

after many mths, im slowly comin to terms w myself, w life. ive only startd to recover n i feel i can look fwd to the future again...i m hopeful. i dont dread tomrow nemore...n v v rarely - im even xcited abt the future.
but we will c..evyday is still hard. i jst do away w ne -ve thought the v second my mind tinks of em..n i replace tht thought w thoughts of wat makes me n my life worthy: i ve a loving fam, great friends, i ve my health, i ve jinn...n most imp, i ve a future..there is so much in life to do, so much in the world to xperience. i can xpect to have shitty times ahead..but i can also xpect to ve wonderful, happy times ahead too..its jst a mattr of perspective.

ive bn to hell n i dont want to go back there. never again..for the sake of my fam, my friends who care abt me. i will not do this to them again.

(note: i forgot to copy down the copyrite details, author, title of bk etc. will update this entry as soon as i get the chance to go to the lib again..cant find the book at amazon or barnes n noble either, so ne legal beagle scourin thru this ummm..come bk in a wk or so?)

2003-03-30T21:52:00.000-08:00

veni n i r seein a flick tomorw. again...whoa. we r so bored. sheeesh....but at the same time we re so tight n i m loving it. heh

i went to the lib yest n borrwd cpl bks for school, also cpl bks to read in my spare time..beats comin online all the time, bloggin, chattin, watever..the lib is the most fascinatin plc i swear. tons n tons of tings to do. i love it there...pity its so far away tho....but its like unxplored territory, a new universe..things jst waitin to b discovered n learnd n touched. amazing..mite go there again this sunday.

met up w jason yest. he was pretty cool..not such a freak as i xpectd him to b hehehh..yng but he knows wat hes doin, wat he wants, wat he wants to achieve...the clarity of his ideas, his thoughts. whoa, really fazed me...i admire him for doin wat he blieves in, n doin it so well too...more power to him. i hope all his plans come to fruition n evything works out well for him n his organizatn..i told him id b happy to help him out in evy way. hes got a beautiful baby named sugar too. hehe he showd me her pic: like a mutt like jinn...told him abt kitty. all in all it was a sunday well spent.

bumped into luke from chasers, on my way to meet jason...tink luke was on his way to soccer practice, he was all geared up. lukes worked in chasers for 3 yrs now, workd alongside roque at the bar whn roque was still here. hes ok, jst that he doesnt speak engl that well so we dont/cant realy communicate..but theres mutual respect n i nev go to chasers w o sayin hi to him..he had a thing for veni but there was a mega misunderstandin whereby he thought veni was rude to him (which was not the case), so now theyre jst friends too. heh

today im gna b readin some more..mebe clean my rm a bit more too. moms sick so shes stayin in today, she dint go to work..i helpd her go to the clinic jst now, n now shes restin...gna go to the supermart latr to get her some food..for jinn too.

i had a fight w the 'security guard' downstairs (note: this term is only v v loosely usd coz in reality, all this man does is doze off to the beats n twangs of chinese opera on the radio) this mornin...there was lotsa yellin involved...mom was w me n she pulld me away. sonofabitch...i hate him.

k gna chill a bit..get some work done.

2003-03-30T21:38:00.000-08:00

highlite of the day (so far): hendra gave me a wake up call today!

2003-03-30T21:36:00.000-08:00

i wrote to my old friend today..i feel gd abt it. hehehe...we lost touch whn my damn pc killd itself last dec, then i lost all my contacts...hmm shes always bn there for me, bk whn we were at uni..i remm goin to uni all alone coz my high school friends decided to forego uni n enter the workforce instead...i was lonely as shit, i felt like an outcast coz of the lingo thingy...evyone saw me as a damn foreigner n treatd me like one..it was like my first day of school xcept much much worse coz when at this age ure ultra sensitive n u know wats goin on, whn ure bein treatd diffrently u know it n u sense it n it really hurts u...neway shes (cyn) nev bn not nice to me, at first it was all cordial n neutral-friendly...but then she got some friends together (ghost, sanna) n then b4 u know it they startd to treat me like i was one of the gang...in time i learnd to c myself as one of them too - startd speakin canto w em, did the whole canto thing: karaoke, ate chin food, said bad canto jokes etc - damn they even made up a chin name jst for me lol...sooner or latr i startd to c myself as chin..hmm i tink it was abt this time, whn i was at uni n i was hangin ard chin ppl 100% - i saw myself as a fully fledgd local. n i was realy comfy w it. hehe they soon bcame my real friends, whn my high school friends startd to get bz w their own workin lives...it was so cool.

final yr of uni came, n evything was shit..our final yr project put a humongous strain on our lives n we were goin crazy..no more fun n games, no more kiddin ard...this was serious bzness n we had to work hard at it..i groupd up w cyn n some other chick who was a royal pain in the ass...cyn went thru soooo much shit coz of this bitch (who nev made it to our meetins, conveniently makin up lame n low xcuses like she was takin her sick mom to the hosp, she (her mom) was havin a heart attack, etc - all not true)...it was utter hell for cyn..well for me i was ok, im not one to buckle under pressure esp school or work pressure but for cyn...she knew she carried all the resp to get stuff done, organize the grp, delegate tasks..coz shes always bn the resp, organizd one heheh...i know shes savd my ass many many times w o even me knowin abt it, coz i know shes always cared abt me in some unconventional way..we rarely talkd on fone, or met up outside of school..but it was the little things that made a huge difference..like photocopyin stuff for me (stuff i nev even knew were imp till she gave the copies to me), helpin me print stuff w o my asking (coz she knew my printer then was a shit piece of machine), stickin up for me, takin the time to translate stuff for me, she wud even buy stationery for me like folders, paper clips, watever...damn, she ws so thoughtful n considerate..n i nev did nething for her :| hmm

it was somewat weird coz of the whole lingo issue..naturaly i found it hard to xpress myself in canto, in the same way she found it hard to xpress herself in engl..but it seemd like there was this unspoken, invisible bond tween us..like there was no need to say nethin, n she cud feel my gratitude neway (at least i hope she did)..i know she was my first evr chin friend, my best chin friend to this day i tink..altho we rarely speak or email, i know i hold her close to me no matr where she is, or wat im doin...whn i tink abt my friends, i tink of her too...

n u know smth, uni life wudve been so miserable w o her n ghost...i tink theyre wat made my uni days one of my best times in life ever....3 yrs they taught me so much. i was a clueless idiot b4 i entered uni, stupid n naive n realy dumb abt evything, abt how the world worked, i dint know myself n i dint know nethin abt the outside world...then i found their friendship, which put so much perspective into my life..i was part of smth, part of smth meaningful, somethin which made me feel gd n happy...part of a grp which respectd me n saw me no diffrent jst coz i wasnt chin or a local...i realy appreciatd that. it meant a lot to me that they saw me as me, not a foreigner, or someone who spoke engl, or watever..jst me. me n my imperfections...me, a human bein like them.

ohwell..heres a long overdue thank u to my uni friendz, who i still m in contact with. thank u ghost n cyn. my true friends...coz of u guys i will nev forget my uni days, n i will always look bk n remm those memories w so much fondness..hehehe....

from,
ur inch friend. hahahaha =P

2003-03-30T10:47:00.000-08:00

yawnn

2003-03-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

1. i had coffee w jason
2. discusd ar/al issues w him
3. then had lunch (thai)
4. after lunch i went to the lib in cway bay
5. stayed there for 4 hrs
6. then i met up w veni
7. to go to church together
8. attended mass, had a quick snack afterwards
9. bought dinn on the way home
10. walkd jinn
11. had dinn
12. - the end -

2003-03-30T08:49:00.000-08:00

hendra = seriously cute.
hmm

2003-03-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

hm. hendra is cute. sounds cute too..hmmm.

2003-03-30T08:27:00.000-08:00

im gna sleep early today..n try gettin up early tomrow. so i can start to lead a normal life again...im sick of sleepin at 5 or 6 n wakin up at noon...by the time im ready to take on the world its nite time already n i dont get to do nething. nother day of my pathetic life gone to waste. blah..

2003-03-30T08:23:00.000-08:00

on a much much less important note, tatto finaly smsed me: Careful on e pneumonia. Hope u n jin r both fine. Im home already. Take care. WATEVER. WATEVER WATEVER.

2003-03-30T08:20:00.000-08:00

wat a day. i tink i will blog tomorw..im a bit tired. theres so much to do too...wana clean my rm, read the paper, go over some books i borrwd from the lib today..hm.

latest news: 12 dead, 400+ infected w sars.

this is so surreal. the streets r empty, nobody wants to leave their home, evyones afraid of evybody else, ppl r not laughin nemore. we re frightened, afraid, paranoid
:( god help us..wat is the world coming to :((

2003-03-29T07:06:00.000-08:00

AAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i came clean w veni n told her evything!!! shit. omg i ve nev bn soooooo embarrassed. :( theres nev bn an awkward moment w her until tonite...........fuck fuck fuck. i babbled like shit n i felt so weird n i jst wanted to go over there n tell her all sorts of things, watever i was feeling: that im sorry, that im happy, that i feel guilty, that i feel relieved, that i love her, that i hope she doenst hate me or disrespect me less over this...omg. shit. i need to....not think for a while. driving myself nuts.

but at least evythings out in the open now phewwwwwwwwwwwww..sigh. :|