cigarettes and alcohol

2003-07-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

http://searchingforme.blogspot.com
stil under constructn tho

2003-04-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED FOREVER

2003-04-14T15:07:00.000-07:00

u dont want commitment..but u want my company
u dont want to b serious..but u dont want me to back off
u say u dont know me..but u say ure fond of me
i say ill respect ur wishes n leave u b..u tell me to stay...

2003-04-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

u want ur cake n u want to eat it too

2003-04-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

Power train says:
hey are you with your pms
punky says:
wel u askd wat peta was n i told u
punky says:
nex time u dont wana know..dont ask
Power train says:
i was supposed to thank you for letting me know what peta is, but with your attitude, i would save my politeness
Power train says:
if i knew, why would i ask??!!
punky says:
uknow smth..nex time u wana propose to go on a trip w someone...dont tell her much much later that ure sleepin w the ex ok?
Power train says:
i dont have time to explain this to u, if u are still here after my meeting, we can talk
punky says:
nah its ok..im hurt
punky says:
no worries..im gna turn in whn u leave
Power train says:
for one thing, i am not sleeping with her. I did only once since i came back. it was a mistake, i admit. ok?
punky says:
i know we nev agreed on some exclusivity thing....but i gues it still hurt
Power train says:
cuz .... wtf... i dont have to say much. ... but i am sorry if you are hurt, not my intention
punky says:
neone in my shoes wud b hurt, even attila the hun
Power train says:
sorry
Power train says:
but i didnt mean to....
Power train says:
and u asked... i wanted to lie but i couldnt le
Power train says:
lie
Power train says:
to u
Power train says:
and the truth was told, someone is hurt....
punky says:
yea..once again, had i not askd u wudve never told me
Power train says:
what could i do?
punky says:
i hate that
Power train says:
why would i want to tell u, looking for trouble and headache?
punky says:
i told u upfront i dont wana read ur mind or assume tings
punky says:
coz dammit its the rite thing to do..lies/dishonesty SUCK
Power train says:
i dont have time now, we can talk more later
punky says:
n u know sooner or later the ugly truth gna come out...n it b more painful n shitty then
punky says:
nah its ok im off to bed..no worries ill b ok
Power train says:
but i want to let u know, i adore u ... up to u if u want to believe it
Power train says:
or not
punky says:
i do..but it stil hurt
Power train says:
gotta ok
punky says:
2 entirely diff tings
punky says:
yea off u go, tc n ve a nice day
Power train says:
what could i do to make it up for u
punky says:
jst get some sleep n tc for now
punky says:
will catch u online some time soon hopefuly
Power train says:
can u cut this shit?
Power train says:
god

n with that last line...he walked off. FUCK U...u fuck up n u dare walk off on me?? that is so fuckin retarded..........

2003-04-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

i hvent been this tired/sleepy in weeks.....

2003-04-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

Life is a process of one goneness after another.
- Russell Hoban, "The Bat Tattoo

"What is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Saint Exupery, "The Little Prince"

2003-04-14T07:59:00.000-07:00

tatto wants to get back together again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2003-04-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

this bullshit from 2 separate men..2 men who first fucked me..then fucked up my life..i spent wks n mths tryin to get over them, w utmost grace n dignity n self respect......
then they both turn up, after WKS of zero contact watsover..both spewing bullshit...all within an hr of each other. DAMN

2003-04-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

rusty says:
this whole thing , or watever ive bn tellin u r all made up
punky says:
uhuh
rusty says:
r all made up by me
punky says:
rite...
rusty says:
qstn?
punky says:
no..u need to tell me watever, how do i know wat to ask or where to start
rusty says:
hmm
rusty says:
how shld i put it
rusty says:
i jus carried away
rusty says:
jus got carried away
rusty says:
frm one lie to another
rusty says:
i did not expect tt it will blow out of proportion
rusty says:
but it jus did

2003-04-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

Power train says:
hey there
Power train says:
I didnt see your message until now
Power train says:
beep me when you are back ok?

damn.

2003-04-14T04:20:00.000-07:00

i hvent blogged in 2 days, wat a shocker!..heh...n i dint/dont even miss it....hmm 2 days?!...dint even feel it..heh i tink as life gets bzier, gets btr...i dont rant/bitch no more, at least im not as restless or steamin mad/sad as b4..lifes pannin out pretty well...its not excellent or even marginally fun..but at least i feel some self worth..i feel productive n social n fullyfunctional again...bein out there w ppl, doin reg things...i tink i m finaly ready to take on the world

sounds corny i know..but i feel ive recovrd...i feel im capable of enterin society again heh...not only that but i ve this desire to go out there n b productive n useful..lol i sound like an ex-psychopath, or someone jst out frm the looney hse...hahhah...or a fuckin prisoner jst out from servin time lol...phew. i m beepd tho. i jst ate n i cant even move..i got home n was soo hungry, dint even put my stuff down whn i walkd in the door...jst grabbd food n hoggd....now im sittin here motionless. fuck i m tired. phewww

saturday nite: hmm did nothin but watch tv. survivor amazon was on...its gettin shitty coz da 2 bitches r still there, jenna n heid..fuckin sluts. id like em to die a slow, slow death...fuckin cunts: they r arrogant, self centered, annoying n unpretty. i dont realy watch it nemore, i jst leave the tv on as i do other stuff....ew.

i also talkd to des - hes kewl...cute, witty heh...there were a few awkward moments coz i was so tired n sleepy, id mumble someth...n then hes like "eh? wat did u say"..umm...naturaly id get all self conscious aftr that n feel embarrassd...so in response id mumble even more, like a stupid stutterer...blah. but hes funny...love hearin him laugh. its infectious heh..stayd up till abt 7 in the mornin talkin to des...

woke up at 9 coz veni wantd to ve brekkie...n also she had to pick up her aunt from the airport at noon...so she askd me to go w her....i was dead sleepy..but i wud nev let her down n i love hangin w her neway..so we met for brekkie n then went to the airport..had some coffee while waitin, then aftr we met her aunt we hung out at the airport...haha it was crazy, we were so bored outta our witz we ended up stayin there for more than 5 hrs: we had lunch there, browsd the shops, stayd at the bkstores flipin thru porn mags..jk heh. we jst flippd thru some girly mags n commentd on the hot chickz heheh....then we bought some clothes together: oh yea we shud b goin clubbin on weds nite this wk. we ll c..not sure.

today i was w jason all day...met him q early at abt 10a..blah i was tired stil coz i hadnt slept properly the past 2 days. neway it was ok..mornin we dint get nothin done n i felt so horribly guilty....so i wasnt speakin to him that much, i was too embar to even look at him...we took a trip down to the printers to check if the facemasks were ok, YAY looks like tings r goin as plannd n the masks shud hit da media this wk. hopefuly on weds...we had lunch, in the pm we did some callin..mainly to news agencies n the print media, we gna head down there this weds to deliver by hand the masks..that way the wires get hold of the story b4 the easter hols..jason realy wants to get this campaign goin. hes off to taiwan nex wk so hes desperate to finish at least the facemask campaign by this wk.

tomorw i wont b seein him coz hes havin lunch w the only other vegan IN THE WHOLE OF HK that we know of lol. oh yea today we also went to da shops, chkin for components for his pc..we re stil havin probls w the digivid we bought last wk. if we dont get it up n runnin by thurs we r def returnin it. neway i love doin wat im doin, i even cancld work today jst so i cud work w jason..altho he isnt payin me jack shit..heh. mom tinks im crazy but i dont care..nobody wil ever understand y this is important to me.

veni n i r plannin a macau trip for may. preferably the start of may...shes gna take a sicky, n im gna cancel classes..we were sooo xcited talkin abt it yest, she swears shes gna make this happ coz we ve been dyin to go away together...we d plannd to go to bali end nov but the bombing ting happened..first wk of oct i tink? so we shelvd plans...

1. go bungee jumpin off the macau tower
2. get a brazilian wax done (!!)
3. visit strip clubs
4. watch porn all nite lol
5. go skinny dippin
6. n of course - go drinkin, clubbin, dancin to our hearts content..heh

veni made the list abv..lol we re jst kiddin...we were so bored yest we jst let our minds (n fantasies!) wander heh...nah we re gna b good...we dont even the nuff money to b bad heh.

i stil got lots of tings to figure out tho..i need to talk to tatto abt a few things. mebe tonite...sigh. gna go out for a walk w jinn soon...then umm lounge n sit bk n watch some tv...one things fer sure tho, i gta clean my rm someday...its so disgustin here

laterz

2003-04-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

/me in a pissy mood. god help me....i hate it whn i get this way. so fuckin restless n irritated i cant do jack shit abt it....dammit. fuck fuck fuck.

im sad coz im tinkin about jinn :(

2003-04-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

hmmmmm

2003-04-12T04:34:00.000-07:00

goin out w veni clubbin on weds nite. yay....n we re also tinkin of goin away together, on a short trip to macau - lol if u can call tht a trip that is hehe..jst a bloody boat ride away..neway we r gna ve a blast, get drunk, get high n totally not worry abt curfews, the fam bk home...we r gna b sooo bad

whn we went to chasers the other nite there was a new band playin..oh damn did they love us lol, they kept lookin at us n smilin..heh veni n i njoyed it like shit, after all nobody was there tht nite coza the sars shit so it was jst us there...well we lookd pretty n hot n i gues we were doin a bit of the lesbo thing as well hahaha...so that turned a few heads im sure..its nice there was nother band there, tink im gettin sick of seein alex's band there all the fuckin time..n oh the dj was new too..i know probly management sent one of the reg bands to sing so they had to find a new band to take over, i dunno abt the dj tho? mebe they fired dj denny from b4 - he suckd neway so gd riddance.

heh joren was there n we xchangd a few quirky smiles while he was performin..joren is in alex's band n 2 bands play at chasers evynite - ones gta b alex's band coz theyre chasers hse band..the other band they rotate tween dusk till dawn in wc n insomnia in lkf..wel neway joren was cute as usual n i told veni tht i sorta have the hots for him n she went "ewwwwwwwwwww" lol..hes not her type. but she had a ting for the singer of the new band heh..n we both likd the lady singer =P shes fit n damn shes got a great bod. hehh..whn we left the df yelled from afar "when u comin bk?" hahaha..lil does he know we re like alex's groupies, he ll b seein us there sooo much b4 long he ll get sick of us heh..neway i said "never" lol i tink that was too snobby an answer but who cares...we were q tipsy n they knew that.

sooo weds, tinkin mebe we ll drop by chasers to chk out the new band n new dj..then poss head off to wan chai? we like insomnia but dont like the band that plays there...we ll c. i wudnt mind stayin at chasers..thing is we dont want alex to tink that we love him, already the son of a bitch has an ego the size of the atlantic - he probly tinks we go there coz of him..puke. well truthfuly we both had a thing for him like many many yrs ago..i liked him first, abt 6 yrs ago whn we first startd goin there..then i met AS n i dint give a shit abt guys nemore, then somehow late last yr veni admitd to me that she had a mega mega crush on alex....so we d go to chasers more frequently than the norm jst so she cud chk him out lol...then jst when i was startin to date roque - who is chummy w alex - veni bumpd into alex in the supermart......w his 2 kiddos! lol..well we d always known tht alex was married..but to actualy c the guy u ve the hots for w his wife/kids..sorta changes tings dramatically heh. she got put off there n then n no more alex. heh

blah im bored. will watch tv..

2003-04-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

on chat tatto askd me wat i currently feelin for him...apprently he says hes beginnin to like me but tis time its diffrent - not like b4..ummm? cudnt blieve my eyes..i told him ive moved on n i dont hold a grudge..told him tht yea, hes done some stuff in the past which i hate him for, n will never forgive him for..but thts all in da past n i dont let the past bug/haunt me...he askd me wat id do/say if he told me wat we had in the past was nothin, jst a stupid illusn - so i said "yea wel watever u wana tink, i cant do nothin abt..like evything on earth u gna ve diffrent viewpoints/perspectives n if u tink we were a joke, heh wat can i do abt it? i ve my own views n say even if i blieve u were n stil r the love of my life, heh thers nothin u can do to change my mind"...

he said he misses me now, tht he likes this new me..im tinkin like "wtf"...i said look theres no need to dwell on the past, watever we had then is now long gone..uve movd on...ive movd on...heh lets both cont doin watever we re doin..n somtimes we can chat or talk on fone..this is kewl, watever we ve now is cool...im happy uve movd on n r bettr..n im happy ive movd on too....he said ive changd n he likes how i m now n is happy for me..i said yea ppl change, situatns change..

"wat if who u fell in love w isnt the me now?" he askd...ermmm.."n now im not who i was then..wud u stil love me? wud u stil want me?"..heh i said "whoever u were then, i fell in love with..who u r now, i dont know q honestly..but i m happy w wat we ve"..."wud u stil want me now?".."i dunno who u r..but one day at a time ill get to know u..like how it was in the past, i dint fall in love w ur name, or wat u typed on the screen...i fell in love with u, the man, the person...what u stood for, wat u represented"

it was an enlightenin chat...i had to cut it short coz i had to go meet jason...but gues wat, he rang on fone n it was kewl..twas friendly banter n we lol a lot..it was fun. he sounded a lil morose but i tink i sensed that he was smilin n happy...i was kinda happy too that he rang me, it was a pleasant surprise. felt good.....

sigh. n then last nite. blah..tings dint go too good, resultd in me stompin off. wtf....i dont know. sigh..i dont care..im tired...this is wat i always hatd abt him..he plays me like a fuckin yo yo..even whn we were together he d love me n treat me like a queen one min, n the nex min he treats me like im a piece of shit. stil, i played the good guy n said to him last nite "ure in a cranky/pissy mood tonite..ill take tht into consideratn" then ignored him all nite......good riddance. i was in a gd mood all day yest too n i dint want him to ruin it fer me

met this guy desmond online, spent more than 10 hrs chattin w him whoa! lol...hes ok, hes in toronto at the mo - orginaly frm vancouver...

today im gna do absolutely nothin. b a bum n get fat...sigh :( since jason told me abt the vegan oreos ive bn havin some evyday :( fuck i actualy feel the pounds pilin on me..damn. no more junk for me....i dont even wana wieigh myself, im sure ive put on the past cpl days alone

oh yea speakin of jason, we ve got a poss campaign comin up nex few days: if all works out n we get the green light from peta usa the campaigns gna b spearheaded here, taiwan n sing..n to a smaller xtent, usa - but only for publicity/media purposes..im q excitd, lookin fwd to it..in the meantime jasons off to taiwan to inspect a few dog shelters..he gna do a demo too heh.

the other day we bought a digivideo cam together..heavens he took a min to buy it, no questions askd..jst forked over the $$$. wasnt that cheap either!..im like 'r u sure?' well whn we got bk to the office there was a glitch w smth n now hes tinkin of takin it bk..heh

oh speak of da devil: email from jason brb

2003-04-12T01:50:00.000-07:00

Could use help on this Monday--important shit

1) help me go to realtors--would be nice to have a local with me
2) call singapore media and get their mailing address so I can post them masks on Thursday.
3) find the program to download video for the Sharp vd-pd5e
4) help me get the news release translated

If you make it to bed at a reasonable hour we can start early.

heh.
moms like always goin "but y cant they pay u for all the work ure doin??" mommmm thts y its called volunteer work..rofl....

2003-04-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

heh damn i went to bed at almost 8am today

2003-04-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

eyes closing....................

2003-04-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

yawn

2003-04-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

tired :( ive bn sittin here motionless the past 30mins..heh. starin at this monitor..watching nothin. my eyes r a blank n my brains a blur...whoa. today i woke up prety late coz i was recoverin frm last nites drinkin, i dint even ve the energy to take jinn for a walk so i askd ryan to do it for me..thankfuly he did, im mighty grateful to him for that heh. then i chatd w tatto a bit (more on this later) then went to meet jason for more work.

actualy today i went over to his plc, heh nice studio appt - was a bit apprehensive at first abt goin to his plc. but it was realy kewl..we had fun chattin, listenin to his weirdo mp3/cd collectn, oh yea of cos we also got some work done...tings r gettin btr, im not so shy w him nemore n not so self conscious - like i can speak on the fone, make cold calls, make enquiries w him lookin at or watchin me heh...then we had dinner (thai)..we split rite after dinn...i chattd w veni on fone on the way home, then i walkd jinn w mom n here i m.

me n jason dont click - hes so american he bores me, n he irritates me somewat..he talks a lot, luvs hearin himself speak..but HEY peta cudnt ve found a betr person for da job...jason is committed, hardworkin, determined, fearless, independent, streetwise. hes not intellectual or nothin but damn hes good at wat he does. i admire him n i ve lots of respect for him...plus hes nice. dead nice..too nice it makes me uncomfy/embarassd. hes great tho...the more time i spend w him the more at ease i m w him.

today we workd out the budget: estimatd/calcuatd start up costs, operatin costs..so he cud send the figs over to the head office, n once its given the all clear they gna send the money over n jasons gna start to set up the office...we ve temp office space for 3 mths - we re sharin w a v v generous peta donor - she owns restaurants, few bars, retail shops - so all her staff r under the same roof..she let us some some space, the office equipment, utilities etc. jst so jason has a plc to work frm...i tink start-aug we gna move to a proper office, but till then we b workin bk n forth tween the temp office n jasons appt.

oh the guardians startin, brb wil blog latr.

2003-04-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

i kissed veni.
stan ~~had~~ has been having sex w his ex since he flew back.

crazy world. my crazy crazy world.
im as tired as fuck but im.....feeling shit. thank u stan. thank u so much for makin me feel this way...but thank u also for givin me nuff reason to hate u. i tink i can get over u now...u n ur bullshit. veni was rite..ure a bloody waste of time. not worth my energy..not worth my time..n certainly not worth my love.

ive been out on my feel all day. jinns vet appt in the mornin..spent the afternoon w jason. n then rushd here n there w jason to get work done...had dinner, then drinks. got home at 11pm. met veni at 11.30, we went to chasers in an effort to make me feel btr abt the whoe stupid stan situation. it worked..i felt i was in love w veni all over again. we stayed till 2am..i droppd her off at her plc. we kissed...n i walkd home a happy girl.

i came home drunk. n i was happy for a while, for abt an hr. now i feel like absolute dirt tho. i feel tramped on, cheated on. i feel sick. im jst gna hit the sack n bloody get some sleep. im tired as fuck. last nite i stayd up till 6.30 chattin w stan (only for him to tell me that hes v interstd in me, n is fallin in love with me..BUT he feels we shud give each other space, coz its 'too dangerous' if we push things further. so fine, i told him i respect his decision n im gna back off..."no no we jst keep wat we have n let nature take its course" he said. HELLO? wtf does that mean..u dont want us to get close but u want us to cont watever it is we re doin? WTF. u want ur cake n u want to eat it too. "dont wana get too emotionally close to u" my ass.

fuck u stan
fuck u tatto

heh.
men suck

gna work w jason in the pm again tomorw. n then nite time i tink im meetin veni again, we re goin clubbin.
im beeped.

fuck u stan. i hate u.
hehe..thank u for givin me nuff reason to not want u.....i tink i can go on w my life now. u asshole.

2003-04-09T15:11:00.001-07:00

stan just broke my heart :~(

2003-04-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

fuck

2003-04-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

my nails r a pretty dark red now