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Friday, September 20 [ posted @ 11:27:00 PM ] pv today we celebrate the moon festival - its a real cool one, where we get to play with fire..real fire!..well i dont really bother actually, but its a nice feelin seein fams get together and stuff, little kids w their lanterns all excited and happy..big bright smiles on their faces and all.. which brings us to why im feelin like shit today...shit in a sad, teary way not crazed-madwoman style i mean...i miss tatto and our baby :( so i asked him to spend time w our kid instead of me, bcos i feel the little tyke deserves all his time and attention today...hes a big boy, growing up real fast..and i can imagine him lookin all cute like his pa...and i imagine my boys lighting candles together, cuddling and hugging..with cheesy and bright grins on both their faces enough to ligh up a room...it makes me happy thinkin all this...my hubby and baby happy in each others company...loving each other as much, or even more than, me and tatto...as long as tatto is happy..and as long as our kid is happy...nothing else matters... this morning we had another one of them beautiful mornings..i think this is why im even more emotional today...we connected, deep and intense...and i just kept wanting to hold him tight in my arms...tell him how much he means to me...its crazy sometimes, this urgent need of mine to coddle and suffocate him with my love and desire for him..i watch him when he is sleeping...and i kiss him tenderly..and i observe his closed eyes...his gentle wheezes as he snores softly...and those lips...those succulent, ripe lips i cannot stop myself from planting my mouth on.... crap, i am missing him :( whatever you boys are doing...wifey and mummy loves you....take good care of each other yea.....miss u..tight tight hugs...happy mid autumn festival my babies..... # Thursday, September 19 [ posted @ 9:38:00 PM ] pv feelin zapped out...with good reason tho =) ..well actually it was bittersweet, we talked about sev of our issues last night...ok, not talked abt but touched upon, rather..what tatto had to say made me sad......but..i dont know, really..i dont know...i just know i felt my heart sink...a long time ago i wouldve felt angry, and my emotions wud get the better of me n id break out in a..mad rampage.....into a shouting/crying/sobbing mess...but over the months ive changed, and whenever such news hit me..i just go numb and stoned..in a word, i die inside..its like my souls left me and im left with this useless shell of a body right now im feelin too tired to think abt what he said, or its implications..besides, im feelin pretty morose and...whats the word.... its like a shadow has come upon and overtaken me..consuming all of me...envelopin me in wholly...yet at the same time i bask in a bit of joy, and total love for tatto...im consumed by him, am totally into him...inside me i harbor nothing but love, adoration, desire, need for him...at least right now this is what im feelin.... and i want to enjoy and savor this moment...what more now, with all the stuff he said...all the more reason for us to...just allow ourselves to be ourselves with each other...as openly, honestly, without anything but our love, desire and passion for each other between us.... you are listenin to this now, you said: CHORUS You're never tried me Always stood right by me Make living lively Highly spoken of My only love The only one, you're my wifey Make my life complete, sweet But you know when to flip it street Freak, but only when it comes to me See that's why you're my wifey This you should know Cause you had my mind blown, oh, oh Full of junk at the club on bump, like what I had to have you babe Saw you outside, passenger side Cause I let my best friend drive You was in line That's when you caught my eyes girl You were so beautiful, girl It was so critical, girl You looked so crucial, girl Something about you is everything You are mine You're never tried me Always stood right by me Make living lively Highly spoken of My only love The only one, you're my wifey Make my life complete, sweet But you know when to flip it street Freak, but only when it comes to me See that's why you're my wifey You know you're sexy too I like your attitude I ain't even mad at you Girl, you're still my boo Either braids or weave, Skirt or jeans you're still my queen Baby-girl go do your thing I'm so glad you're on my team You were so beautiful, girl It is so critical, girl You looked so crucial, girl Something about you is everything You are mine You're never tried me Always stood right by me Make living lively Highly spoken of My only love The only one, you're my wifey Make my life complete, sweet But you know when to flip it street Freak, but only when it comes to me See that's why you're my wifey Someone I can spend my life with Leave the keys to the Benz Wedding band with your gems You're someone I feel all right with Someone to have my kids Someone I can depend on You're never tried me Always stood right by me Make living lively Highly spoken of My only love The only one, you're my wifey Make my life complete, sweet But you know when to flip it street Freak but only when it comes to me See that's why you're my wifey Skinny designer fit real jiggy Ain't afraid to hump with me When we get busy Ride out I licky-licky 'Till I get dizzy Toes done, fresh scent I think it's sizzy Oh someone who was down with me Used to struggle Now I both count the g's with me Pop the champagne Let's take a sippy-sippy Describe you I try to You're my wifey Will you be my wifey? (Yes I'll be your wifey) Oh say you'll be my wifey girl (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) Will you be my wifey? (Yes I'll be your wifey) Oh say you'll be my wifey girl (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) wifey by next i miss us a lot...sometimes i read our past stuff to each other, and it saddens me that so much has changed...altho the underlying love is still there, im somewhat positive...i just wish we could be the way we once were with each other..if only sometimes even..moments like the one we had just now, last nite...come once too few and far between.... dearest my hubby tatto: "i want you to know you're in this bubble filled w my love all the time..bcos my love surrounds you wherever you go...so whenever ure down, or depressed, or whenever uve lost faith in yourself, in me, in God, in evything you believe in...i hope u find some comfort and happiness in the thought that...someone here loves u very much...n you mean the world to her. please feel protected and safe in my love..dont ever forget that i love you" with love from, ur baby # [ posted @ 10:55:00 AM ] pv me and glass just dont go together i think...just now while in the kitchen a tumbler broke and shattered into pieces...i honestly dont know what i did, i swear i just touched it!...n as i pickd the pieces up one by one...it felt gorily..gooooood...i felt right at home...pickin up the pieces one by one...piece by piece..big piece..little piece....man, i cud almost taste em on my tongue...imagine smoothin the edges onto my skin...wantin to cut n slice myself....n see the wonderful sight of blood seepin out...its rusty taste on my mouth n tongue n lips..as i suck n savor it...... on nother note, tatto is too bz to bother with unimportant me...so.....as any fool can see, im depressed again...but...since im not supposed to share my morbid feelings with people..ill just keep this to myself and...hopefully not do anything stupid....nah i wont...ill just read my mail subscriptions i think...or.....shut down this damn pc and do something useful for once..like what though?? ugh...im pathetic... ohwell...whats new tomorrow is friday...i hate fridays...it used to be my favorite day of the week...now i hate it! bcos i dread the wkends...tatto is never around and im left to my own devices, to think stupid things..to do stupid things... im beginnin to talk shit again...will spare you all and just sign off here. goodnite. # Wednesday, September 18 [ posted @ 10:24:00 PM ] pv feelin spaced out today...why is that? ugh.. # [ posted @ 2:23:00 AM ] pv everything is ok, i think. but im hell sleepy....and hungry!..havent eaten or drunk in more than a day..... cranky and sweet thing - why do u always do this to me? u say fuck off one min and ure raving and ranting like a friggin maniac (reminds u of someone?)..and the nex minute, ure gentle n as loving as any man can be.....and gooey..hehehe i want to kiss u on the mouth and take in ur breaths...breathe life into me, baby...i need you and want you.. # Tuesday, September 17 [ posted @ 7:17:00 PM ] pv "im tired" " i dont want to go thru this with you again..not for the second time, third time, fourth time, or fifth time" "i dont know what i feel anymore" "i want to be alone" "i just want to be quiet, i dont want to talk to you" "i dont know what we re about" "we re lost" "im afraid of you, you might hurt yourself" "i always have to be on my toes with you" "you hurt me when you hurt yourself, i cant handle it..i cant handle this..i cant handle u" "what do you want??" "sorry, i dont have the power to make u feel better" "im beginnin to hate this" "you wont b hearin from me in a while" "whatever i do u react this way, how do u xpect me to tell u anything?" "this is not you..i dont know u nemore" i feel ill.... so its me..its me.....the only person in this world who i thought dint think i was a looney...does think im deranged and demented...the worlds such an ugly place..n i contribute to it....by being so spiteful, hateful, angry....... i scare everyone off with my fits of rage...pushing them away...which is a paradox, really..because i just want them to come closer...but i push them away..because theyre afraid of me.... is it possible to apologize for being who you are?...was i born to be such a horrible person...me and my ego, me and my world...its always about me me me...im the selfish bitch, everyones right... i hate the world and everyone..n i bring those ppl who i do love, down with me ..everywhere i go.... little wonder nobody can tell me anything...little wonder nobody is around me...little wonder i alienate everyone - im not fit to be..loved...or even liked..... why do i feel that when God made me he left something out..i am just not genetically right...i am not nomal.... i cut myself last night..and smashed my keyboard to pieces, and all the buttons came flying out...bang bang bang....ouch, something pierced me on my palm..made a bleeding hole...and my wrist..seven cuts.....but i did not feel any pain....i used face powder to hide em when i went to see the doc this morning....over the tabs i popped as i sobbed myself to sleep last night..as i cried....as i laid there naked....bruised...helpless...... i never intended to die...not like this, i still wanna look after jinn.....jinn..the only reason....i dont care about anything else... im numb...stone cold...my head is in constant dull pain...n my heart is so heavy..i can feel its weight....being pulled to the ground.... i am not yet fine, he says...i still need help.....n he cant help me.... sometimes just sometimes nothing makes sense hollow inside and on the out, dead wanna be sleeping forever instead is my person damaged goods for how can i say sorry for simply being me when ive even tried to be someone im not # [ posted @ 8:10:00 AM ] pv to think your arrogance and egotistical need to be 'important' in order to compensate for your gluttony of wealth and lack of genuine care and concern for the little people like me would lead you to lie to me, cheat on me, be dishonest with me, hurt me, cause me so much pain and even more heartache...these tears they fall down my cheeks and face - i only hope one day you realize that you cant take everything for granted, no matter how loaded you are...and maybe, just maybe, youll also realize how much i love you and how much you are hurting me..uve already layed down the cards - i am obviously not as important as i thought i was, or you led me to believe...i would think you of all people would know the real meaning of virtue, integrity, honesty, goodness....i guess all the money got into your head.....as i write this you dont even have any idea how pained i am...its like youve literally stabbed me in the back with a screwdriver..and kept screwing it in, deeper and deeper...and i dint even know it..i dint even wana see it.....my pounding head, the flashes of migraine, the bouts of crying fits..i dont know who you are anymore....you arent who i met a year ago....n whats worse, you yourself dont know who you are anymore.... # [ posted @ 6:36:00 AM ] pv Down With The Sickness disturbed (Can you feel that?) (Ah shit) Drowning deep in my sea of loathing Broken your servant I kneel (Will you give it to me?) It seems what's left of my human side Is slowly changing ... in me (Will you give it to me?) Looking at my own reflection When suddenly it changes Violently it changes Oh no, There is no turning back now You've woken up the demon ... in me Get up, come on get down with the sickness Get up, come on get down with the sickness Get up, come on get down with the sickness Open up your hate, and let it flow into me Get up, come on get down with the sickness You mother get up Come on get down with the sickness You fucker get up Come on get down with the sickness Madness is the gift, that has been given to me I can see inside you, the sickness is rising Don't try to deny what you feel (Will you give it to me?) It seems that all that was good has died And is decaying in me (Will you give it to me?) It seems you're having some trouble In dealing with these changes Living with these changes Oh no, the world is a scary place Now that you've woken up the demon ... in me CHORUS And when I dream! And when I dream And when I dream And when I dream No mommy, don't do it again Don't do it again I'll be a good boy I'll be a good boy, I promise No mommy don't hit me Oh-oohh Why did you have to hit me like that mommy? Don't do it! You're hurting me Oh-oohh! Why did you have to be such a bitch? Why don't you, Why don't you fuck off and die? Why can't you just fuck off and die? Why can't you just leave here and die? Never stick your hand in my face again bitch FUCK YOU!!! I don't need this shit You stupid sadistic abusive fucking whore Would you like to see how it feels mommy? Here it comes, get ready to die! Get up, come on get down with the sickness Get up, come on get down with the sickness Get up, come on get down with the sickness Open up your hate, and let it flow into me Get up, come on get down with the sickness You mother get up Come on get down with the sickness You fucker get up Come on get down with the sickness Madness has now come over me! # [ posted @ 3:50:00 AM ] pv tatto(15:45 PM) : called you several times, but u refused to pick up. i dont noe wat u tinking rite now tatto(15:48 PM) : i tink u r over reacting tatto(15:48 PM) : hmm,,, tatto(17:06 PM) : im knockin off back home. really want us to be ok. screw you i know now where i stand # Monday, September 16 [ posted @ 11:32:00 PM ] pv shit...i perched my cig on the window sill and its just fallen out!...fuck..i hope i dont burn down the bldg...but if it happens i hope i scorch in the hot hot fire and burn with it...and crumble to nothing but fuckin dark ashes..and float to the sky and stars.....and into oblivion so it turns out that tatto keeps secrets from me...at the request of this girl hes been denying he cares about for god knows how long...although i knew from day one she liked him and vice versa...denials, LIES LIES LIES! also turns out theyve been seein each other behind my back.. betrayal...lies...mistrust....secrets....loyalty.......deceit DOWN THE FUCKIN TOILET and i, the stupid one, just spent days on end missing him...writing abt him......thinkin of him.....naive, dumbwit me........ # |
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