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Saturday, September 28 [ posted @ 5:25:00 AM ] pv i m feeling emotional right now...wat gives? someone at work cried on my shoulder today, i gave her a hug..n i felt so so sorry for her, i wanted to cry too.... # Friday, September 27 [ posted @ 10:33:00 AM ] pv 001.name: kiara 002.d.o.b.: october, dragon year, i tink sometime tween 11am n 2pm 003.location: lost (n not yet found) 004.religion: r.c. 005.occupation: unemployed/unwanted bum APPEARANCE 001.hair: blk w/ brown tint 002.eyes: blk 003.height: im SHORT! ugh STYLE 001.clothing: dpends on my mood/the occasion..i can dress up or down 002.music: dpends on my mood (yes im a v moody person) 003.make up: minimal + dark nailpolish 004.bodyart: 4 tatts so far RIGHT NOW 001.wearing: xtra large tee, bros shorts (but mine now hahaha) 002.listening to: the buzzzzin of my aircon 003.thinking of: tatto, tatto, tatto, tatto, tatto........ LAST THING YOU... 001.bought: tin of food for jinn 002.ate & drank: apple/cinnamon oatmeal + h2o, oolong tea 003.read: the blog of this guy i stole this list of qstns frm 004.watched on tv: umm..friends last sunday EITHER / OR 001.club or houseparty: club 002.tea or coffee: oolong tea 003.achiever or slacker: def the latter, sad to say 004.beer or cider: beeeeeeer!! 005.drinks or shots: both 006.cats or dogs: both n evything else 007.single or taken: taken - tattos n tattos only 008.pen or pencil: pen 009.gloves or mittens: neither 010.food or candy: food 011.cassette or cd: cd 012.coke or pepsi: watever 013.hard or mild alcohol: dpends on my mood 014.matches or a lighter: lighter 015.sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: neither 016.Rickie lake or oprah winfrey: er...oprah, if i really really reallyyyy ve to choose WHO DO YOU WANT TO... 001.kill: most of the time, myself 002.hear from: tatto 003.get really wasted with: tatto 004.look like: angelina jolie 005.be like: well if i wantd to b someone else then i wudnt b 'me' i tink? 006.avoid: my parents LAST PERSON YOU... 001.touched: one of the kids at school, i forget who exactly 002.talked to: veni 003.hugged: tatto 004.instant messaged: tatto 005.kissed: tatto WHERE DO YOU... 001.eat: here w/ my plate near my keyboard while lookin up at the screen or readin the paper 002.dance: insomnia, dtd 003.cry: evywhere n newhere, n too often 004.wish you were: wherever tatto is, lookin into his eyes n holdin his hand....n wakin up nex to him....everyday HAVE YOU EVER... 001.dated one of your best friends?: no..but i wud if the attractn was there 002.loved somebody so much it makes you cry?: definitely 003.drank alcohol?: duh 005.broken the law?: hmm dont tink so 006.ran away from home?: no ..not yet 007.broken a bone?: no 008.cheated on a test?: once whn i was v little..n i felt soo guilty abt it 009.skinny dipped?: no 010.played Truth Or Dare?: yes but the qstns were not that daring..they were borin in fact 011.flashed someone?: nope 012.mooned someone?: nope 013.missed someone you didn't know?: nope 014.been on a talk show/game show?: nope. oh..does a radio show count? 015.been in a fight?: wat sorta fight? 016.ridden in a fire truck?: nope 017.been on a plane?: yea 018.come close to dying?: ummmmyes. not tht close tho ..i tink 019.cheated on your Boy/Girlfriend?: er..but i confessed :( n it was hell................never ever ever EVER again!!! cheat i mean.. 020.gave someone a piggy back/shoulder ride?: no 021.eaten a worm/mud pie?: no n never will 022.swam in the ocean?: yea 023.had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up?: just once, a long time ago..or twice at most? forgot alredi WHAT IS... 001.the most embarrassing CD in your collection?: er..britney spears (first album) n bsbs 'millennium' - shhhhhhh! 002.your bedroom like?: very messy w/ lots n lots of things, mostly papers n books n mags 003.your favorite thing for breakfast?: i dont eat brekkie, im still sleepin then =P 004.your favorite thing for lunch?: hmm a big heavy meal, pref w/ rice 005.your favorite thing for dinner?: soup or a health bar, smth light 006.your favorite restaurant?: none in particular ARE YOU... 001.a vegetarian?: nope..a vegan (n dead proud of it too) 002.a good student?: i wud tink so, yea 003.good at sports?: no im afraid not 004.wakeboarding/snowboarding: never tried it..yes im v boring i know 005.a good singer?: er no .. 006.a good actor/actress? hmm nev thought abt this, but i tink not 007.a deep sleeper?: not really..n neither do i need tht much sleep 008.a good dancer?: no i tink im an embarrassment actualy 009.shy?: i wudnt say so..i jst dont njoy meetin new ppl 010.outgoing?: no, im antisocial to the core 011.a good storyteller?: nope, im on the quiet side..unless im real mad/emotional then i tend to b quite ..loud 012.last words?: yea..im bored......n I MISS U TATTO!! # [ posted @ 8:39:00 AM ] pv ahhh..one of lifes simplest pleasures - apple and cinnamon oatmeal...yummm # Thursday, September 26 [ posted @ 11:46:00 AM ] pv yea. i really love the guy <3 # [ posted @ 11:37:00 AM ] pv just had to log on to tell the whole world reading this that i love tatto. there...its true..id die for this guy.......really. # [ posted @ 5:20:00 AM ] pv i think im jst not allowed to be happy..its like someone up there has put a curse on me, in that i just must not feel happy..say even a moment of nonnegativity or - wow - a nanosecond of joy - then...BAM!!! something really really bad happens and bcos i was feelin this moment of nonangst for a millisecond...the pain is even doubly painful, the hurt doubly intense. why is that? why cant i be happy? why is it whenever i have reason to be nondepressed, nonsuicidal...something terrible comes over me and im left worse for wear...its like im being punished for, god forbid, being...normal .. feelin nonblue, nonshitty, nonhopeless, nonhelpless.... like today i was walkin home n i was just feeling...happy..i mean not happy in the sense that i was glowing or nething..but i was just feeling...alright...feeling blessed....and then......i broke down in tears...i just broke down. simple as that.......n all of a sudden i coudnt walk anymore, i stopped in my tracks..its like my feet coudnt move and something or someone was pulling me to the ground...why? and for a good few minutes i thought i cudnt go on..i thought to myself that i was the most pathetic, wretched, useless human being to walk the planet..n i hated..myself...there n then...i jst felt so much hate for myself...me, my life, who i am...my failures, my disappointments, the people ive hurt - everything - flashed in front of my eyes...why is it that i love so much and give so much...yet i cause so much, if not much much more, pain and suffering to those around me? i dont think im a bad person.. i mean im just like anyone of u out there..im not out to hurt anybody, i dont have an agenda...no evil motives whatsover...im just..me...attempting to make it in this world...while tryin my very best to not step on nebodys toes..to not hurt, use, abuse nebody.. i m, by default, not a vindictive person, i believe.... n then i thought i just wantd to run away..far far away...from everybody....not because i hate everybody, but because i just dont feel that im loved by anybody...and no, im not lookin to be loved, neither am i seeking self assurance and security from the people around me..i mean i just am doing nobody around me any good....i feel invisible, irrelevant, redundant...like...im excess baggage, and i gotta b chucked out.. i wanna not be around ppl...i wanna not exist nemore..i jst wanna be myself, be by myself ..n do whatever i please...sleep on the streets....while watching the stars above...move from place to place like a gypsy..because i dont know home..ive never had a home....i dont feel safe anywhere....all my life, ive never felt totally secure/safe newhere...mebe just here in cyberspace when i type my shit on here i feel some sense of comfort, some sense of belonging...because im free...n i dont need to answer to anybody....but i just dont want to come bk here everyday, i hate seein my folks sad all the time...i know ive destroyed them, n things will never b the same again...n i know ive failed them...not just as their daughter..but also as a person, a human being......i wana b alone..mess up n not see other ppl suffer for it..not see other ppl worry over me....i jst want to...grab life there n then...n 'be'...not 'act'..i jst want to be........ i feel alone, like im destined to love..but not be loved back.......never... if theres anything i want more in this world..its to be with tatto, and im not some lovesick teenager with a bad crush...trust me...ive gone thru way too much the past year...to know that this is the guy i wanna love...and be loved by ..for the rest of my life..until the end of my days...the man i wanna dedicate my life and heart to...the man i wanna give all my love and life to...my future, my dreams, my hopes, my successes and accomplishments, my smiles, my joys, my very being......the man i wanna commit myself to loving, serving, protecting, nurturing and caring....... today, a close friend, actually a good friend of tatto's ive come to see as my de...announced that he mite be a father ... i was sooo happy to hear the news...and for a few minutes, i thought everything in the world was how and what its supposed to be...macho was afraid of course, because hes not ready to be a dad..or more importantly, hes not sure he loves the girl enough to be the father of her child...altho theyve been together for close to a decade alreadi, i mean they practically play husband and wife, just without the bands on their fingers...and whether i feel shes too good for him or not (personally i feel she cops too much of his shit, she shudve dumpd him years n years ago)..things r gonna be such: theyre gona marry and thats that. he may ve cheated on her many many times but..all that is irrelevant becos the cardsve been dealt....they r jst gona end up together, no matter what so when he told me abt the maybebaby..i felt that for once, the world made sense...a sign that they shud b together, as well as an indication that ur fates there, n nothing can change ur destiny, ur place n purpose in this world.......so i really felt happy for him, altho hes shit scared..but things r how they should be....... # Wednesday, September 25 [ posted @ 1:56:00 PM ] pv its 5am and im not sleepy! darn it # [ posted @ 1:52:00 PM ] pv  What Was Your PastLife? # [ posted @ 12:42:00 PM ] pv im lifeless when you're not around :( i cant even blog....blah....ugh......startin to feel restless...:(( # [ posted @ 9:31:00 AM ] pv wherever u r, whatever ure doing...im thinkin of u lots n loving u even more....sleep tight angel... # Tuesday, September 24 [ posted @ 10:05:00 PM ] pv today i think im gonna b alright..tatto loves me and i love him =) he told me so last nite...and evythings gonna b ok...for now...i can only live thru today, then tomorow, then the day after..rite? one day at a time...one day at a time speak of the devil, he jst smsed me as i was writing this! =) my heart is with you too, tatto..take good care, please... im gonna shower then head off to that miserable hellhole of a place i call my 'work' ..be back later mantra of the day: "i will be sane, bcos tatto loves me. i will b sane, bcos tatto loves me. i will b sane, bcos tatto loves me" # [ posted @ 3:13:00 AM ] pv im stunned..lethargic...pathetic....its like a bag of bricks jst hit me on the face...n im bleedin all over ..to top it off, tatto is off tomorw for a longgg trip...i wonder how ill make it...if ill make it?....on a self imposed hunger strike today..i feel sick.... # Monday, September 23 [ posted @ 11:26:00 PM ] pv "heading towards the inevitable..uknow tht rite" "heading towards the inevitable..uknow that rite?" "heading towards the inevitable..uknow tht rite?" "headin towards the inevitable...uknow tht rite?" rings in my ears..in my head.........like an endless stream of bullets richochetin around me...n there i m, just walkin....aimlessly...a sitting duck.....nothin matters...but one of these days a bullet is gna get me rite in the head... i dont jst want to run away from evyone..i wanna run away from myself.....b not livin......be someone else...not be me...i jst wana..not live nemore....does tht make sense? can i jst wish for bad karma to whisk me away rite here, rite now? n never come bk ever again....its so hard to live..its even harder to leave...not bcos of the fear of death, but bcos of the guilt of leaving those who care abt u...can i jst die alone? can nobody care? can u all pretend that i never xisted? i lived unhappily, must my death b just as painful? can a freak accident just take my life away from me.....im not afraid... # [ posted @ 11:18:00 PM ] pv in the end, it doenst really matter does it? how much u try, how much u love, how much u give...u play in this sick sick game called LIFE w whatever cards god dealt u today marks perhaps, the beginning of the end..the start of my demise..of evything, not jst the important things..but also the not so important things...everything is dead to me rite now...the sun is dead, the flowers, all the birds - everything lifeless, gray, decayed, dead or dying........with no brouhaha, pomp, drama whatsover..i feel dead inside already, my heart ripped out from my chest..nothing, just an intense feeling of nothingness, hollowness, emptiness...everythings blurry, i dont see anything nemore..jst pain, jst lifelessness...i see it, hear it, sense it, touch it, feel it....from deep within me, where my soul weeps n grieves..where life started exactly a year ago...n today it is cowering, huddled up, crying...helpless and hopeless...unconsolable, wailing...as if howling for darkness and the pitchblack world to come take her...the trains arrived...ready to depart......its a one way ticket.... # [ posted @ 11:13:00 AM ] pv one word - break tink i will sleep now. fuck the world... # [ posted @ 10:48:00 AM ] pv yesterday was a..mediocre day...today: BLAH - a shit day! yay!...not in the mood to blog. so there. will i go insane today? will i b able to sleep tonite? sigh...you people dont know anythin abt me so dont pretend that u do...dont act like u do n especially, do not give me 'advice' when u know jack abt me not talkin to/abt u veni btw...u r my rock in my very very troubled waters...u r the one who keeps me from drowning.. so here goes, what im abt to do is make or break...sigh....helppppppppppppppp god save me :( fuck. fuck. fuck. fuckety fuck fuck.... # |
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