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Wednesday, October 2 [ posted @ 10:00:00 AM ] pv if u being happy is all that means to me then this shudnt hurt but it does, it obviously hurts.. so much so but ill just have to cope, in whatever way i can because u have no use for me anymore # [ posted @ 1:54:00 AM ] pv the word here is 'sustainable' # Tuesday, October 1 [ posted @ 10:17:00 AM ] pv but i was really fine today until i spoke with veni. but i cant quite figure out why im feelin this way now # [ posted @ 10:14:00 AM ] pv well i tried to do something stupid if only to please my pathetic self...but i cudnt get it to work..u see how much even god hates me? im too ashamed of myself, i feel everyone doenst wanna know me, i feel im a burden to everyone..i hate myself more now...i think i will stop blogging # [ posted @ 10:12:00 AM ] pv i thought i was fine today. then i talked to veni...n i feel teary again. why is that? i was jst tellin her how nobody cares abt nebody..n how we all gotta do what we gotta do, that we gotta look out for ourselves, because nobody else will...i think what i meant to say was, nobody cares about me....then thats when i got sad...smack in the face, i went from normal girl to ranting, sad, angry bitch.....once again, the realization that nobody gives a flying fuck about me...a sad thought..a pathetic, pitiful thought..i feel lonely n alone...after tatto n i met up for 30mins just now, i thought evything was ok..after all, he couldve not hung out with me right? i even told him that i loved him...needless to say he dint utter it back to me..which shouldve been a big hint right there n then actually...shit..why dint i see it....then i started to think abt what happ last nite...n it hit me: no, tatto does not care...nobody cares...veni does not care either....nobody cares about me.....its so odd how life turns out....one year ago today tatto wouldve almost died trying to get in touch with me...he proved it everyday, sometimes few times a day....n now...nothing...even a fone call is too much to expect...wait..do not assume....sigh.....no ..not working... i just have to admit it..n accept it...accept that i am sad he dint get in touch with me past few days..sad he went thru so much trouble for his dad, but not for me......sad he switched off his fone the whole time he was there, so when i was frantic and losing my marbles he was nowhere to be found....... i feel worthless right now..and no i will not drag other ppl down with me...to where i am.....theyve had their say...n i understand.....i need to back off....i feel like im a thorn up ppls ass...... uknow something my minds all muddled up..realll bad..i dont know what im saying...i dont know what im feeling..i jst know i have a massive headache right now...n i feel like crying again oh boy, wat joy! i dont get myself even...so how on earth or why on earth shud i expect others to understand me? wait, im gonna do something stupid right now... # Monday, September 30 [ posted @ 11:48:00 AM ] pv 
Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel. # [ posted @ 11:26:00 AM ] pv You are Sylvia Plath No matter how much you struggle, you can't manage to shake off depression. You use symbolism to express yourself and have a knack for getting the most out of gas ovens. Take the Which Poet are You? Quiz - brought to you out of boredom and pretention! [ posted @ 11:13:00 AM ] pv its ok to not be loved. i think so. nobody cares. and thats ok. its perfectly ok. # [ posted @ 9:32:00 AM ] pv bloody losing my mind again..rite now fuck it just fuck it all. what do u do when ure restless and u wanna punch a wall?? or break a fuckin mirror...... simple: u just punch a wall or u break a fuckin mirror nobody really gives a shit in this world rite? nobody. gives. a. fuckin. shit. i tink i will disappear into a hole now sigh ok the anger has passed...the rage....the voices in my head to do something stupid........no more... i just wana cry myself to sleep now. im so pathetic......... look after urself ok sigh. i feel this eerie silence around me...i feel overwhelmingly alone.. everyone can carry on having their fun..why the fuck not? there r ppl in this world born to be pathetic and sad..n thats the end of it. accept it .. and move on ......fightin it is useless..bcos u will only get disappointed .. n more disillusioned..till one day u cannot take it nemore...what then? theres a fine line tween making it and not making it i think im just one of those people born unlucky. shudntve been born at all, if u ask me. well thank u for letting me rant. # [ posted @ 9:16:00 AM ] pv i feel so tense like im gna explode any minute fuck everyone, fuck the world i just wanna wither and die fuckin wither and die stop the fuckin tears from fallin dammit i feel my blood boiling from hurt, from the pain from having nobody to turn to from having nobody to care im losing it losing my grip just eat me alive will ya all fuckin eat me alive shit, i hate myself i think im gonna disappear into a hole and die there fuck life fuck this sucky life of mine why am i crying? so why the fuck am i crying what the fuck did i do wrong what the fuck did i do to deserve this yea..i wanna just leave all this shit but you know something deep down, under all this rage and anger and hurt and pain and restlessness and mental anguish is utter sadness isnt that pathetic?? im filled with so much self pity im ashamed of myself im so fuckin ashamed of myself..im so pathetic... i think i hate myself more than you all hate me nobody hates me more than i myself wait...i need to do something stupid now me = loser i hate myself # [ posted @ 6:16:00 AM ] pv Fortune Cookie of the Day (extracted from here) Monday September 30, 2002 Blues got you down? Let your tears free you. Today's color: Grey hmmm..interesting. not. # Sunday, September 29 [ posted @ 9:32:00 PM ] pv at least u rang..well thanks for letting me know ure havin sooooooo much fun "watching babes" .. and! ure extending ur stay by cpl of days! wow! must b havin a ball eh? .. funny..i thought u were spposed to get some work done, i mean u said that was the purpose of ur trip? .."im going there for work" u clearly said before u left .. yet when i askd u just now if u got smthing done, it was so obvious u were lyin thru ur teeth! "errrrrjustalittle" ... and oh! thanks for breakin ur promise that u were gona be looking after urself..its ok to directly go against doctors orders because u "just cudnt resist" .. of course. perfectly alright....after all, as u said ..ure "fine"..yup ... like fagging, shootin up, poppin E, casual sex is "fine" .. its effects just come around much much later..so thats ok, u can do watever u want ..well ... its a "happening" place, u had to remind me..like 10 times over...yep ... so carry on doing watever...its ok ive been a total soppy idiot missing u, pining for u....wat, i even dint go out bcos we struck a deal remember? oh. lol, of course u dont remember...well, its either that or u simply dont care for...hmmm wat, the promises u make? .. or u dont give a shit about me? hmm ohwell..either way, it doenst matter..nevermind ... im always the fool in the end....why? becos im pathetic ..thinkin im doing everything right...but then u pull a fast one on me...n to top it off, uve got all the excuses in the world when the subject comes up ..AND! to add insult to injury .. u blast me for being "hard" on u ..for "not being understanding" ..hmmm ...n this is my favorite: "ok im sorry already! can we just forget about it?? ure so unforgiving" hahahaha ... damn u so i guess when u get back u can tell me alllllllll about ur wonderful trip n how u broke all the rules ..n then u can tell me how much u "missed" me...this shud b interesting ..how u "missed" me so much u er ...never called me up till now becos "some places dont ve signal" .. righttt ... i mean u were in the countrys capital..im sure they have outages from time to time.....n im sure it was too much effort for u to get out of bed n walk 5 steps to the pc to email me yea? ... i feel worthless # [ posted @ 6:56:00 AM ] pv Nobody's Wife - Anouk A. Teeuwe / B. van Veen / S. Kalpoe I'm sorry for the times that I made you scream for the times that I killed your dreams for the times that I made your whole world rumble for the times that I made you cry for the times that I told you lies for the times that I watched and let you stumble It's too bad, but that's me what goes around comes around, you'll see that I can carry the burden of pain 'cause it ain't the first time that a man goes insane and when I spread my wings to embrace him for life I'm suckin' out his love, 'cause I, I'll never be nobody's wife I'm sorry for the times that I didn't come home left you lyin' in that bed alone was flyin' high in the sky when you needed my shoulder you're like a stone hangin' round my neck, see cut it loose before it breaks my back, see I've gotta say what I feel before I grow older I'm sorry but I ain't gonna change my ways you know I've tried but I'm still the same I've got to do it my own way It's too bad, but hey, that's me what goes around comes around, you'll see that I can carry the burden of pain 'cause it ain't the first time that a man goes insane and when I spread my wings to embrace him for life I'm suckin' out his love, I, I'll never be nobody's wife It's too bad, but hey, that's me what goes around comes around, you'll see that I can carry the burden of pain 'cause it ain't the first time that a man goes insane and when I spread my wings to embrace him for life I'm suckin' out his love, I, I'll never be nobody's wife # [ posted @ 6:49:00 AM ] pv so my close friend thinks i need to "talk to someone".."i dont mean ure a loony..but sometimes i just dont know wat to say to u".."im not sayin u need help..but it wouldn't hurt" blasted.........feeling really shit about myself today its like nobody cares....n she knows tht her opinion really matters to me... so for her to say what she did just now..tore me to bits.....i choked back the tears...until i cudnt hold them in nemore ... uknow whenever she jokes with me sayin that looking after me is a tough (and thankless) job..they never not make me think afterwards ...abt me taking her down to the pits with me whenever im on these downward spirals..more than just a few times i felt it wasnt right nor fair to do this to her .. n i wud decide to try to not drag her into my shit...n id feel so alone n lonely...whenever i felt like havin someone to hear me, hear my pointless and incessant ramblings..abt everything in general, about everything goin wrong in my life...my insecurities, my fears, my hopelessness, my worries...id just lie in bed n try to sleep all the pain away...its like solitary confinement really...having to bear all this noise and disarray inside u, deep in ur heart, ur soul..the whirring going on in ur head, this constant brain drain..the headache n numbness n feelings of complete helplessness, negativity, feelins of being unloved and uncared for....... i dunno wat the hell im talkin abt now...just feelin an overwhelming sense of..'nobody-ness'..like i cud fall off the face of this planet...n not only wud nobody give a damn...but maybe jst maybe there d b a fair few celebratns as well..i tink many ppl wud b better off w/o me in their lives.....after all..had tatto not met me, he d b married to her rite now...he admitted that alredi....tim wud have a real father...tim wud have a real family...a tight unit ...a mom n a dad...a real home...he d have a real bedroom..w/ tatto doin the regular fatherly thingies.....n husbandy thingies...fuck, i hate this thought.....i so hate this thought......i hate this thought...... i mean i wud love for tim to have his own father back...n tim is tatto's joy n happiness, he means the world to him....tim wud b a normal little boy..with a family who loves him so so much but the husband thing.......the thought sends me to tears ...i cant bear to think abt it..id go raving mad....crazy....whenever i think of this, i jst think of tim gettin his dad back..its what this little boy deserves, its his given right..to b raised by a father, by a father who loves him n by a father who would give up his life for him, no less...n i know tatto wud die for him, at the drop of a hat, without a single doubt....but i just simply cannot accept him being a husband..never...i just think of tim...tim gettin his father back...nothing else....i know im just fooling myself...i know im just choosing to make myself blind n ignorant...bcos the truth hurts..the truth really hurts ....hurts to the point where my heart feels a piercing pain whenever i bear that thought ...a shooting burst of pain from my heart all the way to my head..like a bombs just gone off inside me...like a million bombs ve jst gone off inside me..n my insides r imploding...my guts self destructing..my blooding boiling..n finally, my outsides combusting ..into nothing but ..grime, dirt....filth... # [ posted @ 5:50:00 AM ] pv since im feelin somewhat irritable tonite, i wont subject myself to spewing out all of the shit thats in my head rite now.. for fear i mite push my brains even closer to the edge...n god forbid - i just mite lose it again tonite...n i really dont wan that.... soo..in the interest of public and personal safety, ill post somethin more boring...as voted in this travel site: Asia's top 10 beaches 1. philippines: boracay, white beach (19.3%) 2. malaysia: redang island, redang beach 3. maldives: maldives 4. malaysia: langkawi, datai beach 5. australia: gold coast, surfers paradise 6. malaysia: langkawi, tanjung rhu beach 7. malaysia: pangkor laut, emerald bay 8. thailand: koh samui, chaweng beach 9. malaysia: tioman island, tioman beach 10. thailand: phi phi, bagao beach note, 23% of the voters came from sing...hence the malay factor? # |
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