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Saturday, November 30 [ posted @ 12:56:00 PM ] pv i miss going out....oh hey i got my pay check today. blah, its nothing..but at least i can get a few creditors off my back for now off to bed, tis just past 5am. cheerio. # [ posted @ 9:40:00 AM ] pv im home...n hungry.....hmmm tink will have some oats.. # Friday, November 29 [ posted @ 10:40:00 PM ] pv get over him get over him get over him get over him get over him get over him......hes not worth it.....what u had was beautiful..but its ended now...get over it....dont keep chasing after a cloud that drifts away from u...the more u chase after it, the further away it drifts...time is passing u by...lots of other clouds r passing u by...once upon a time u were his life....but ure nothing now, hes moved on...n so shud u...onto pastures new...... u will get over him....u will survive...take it one day at a time. u will be ok...just hold on to dear life, dont let go...let go of him..u dont hate life..u hate being unloved by someone who used to love u...ure gna b ok....if need be, make ur peace w/whoever...n say watever u like...do nething to move on, to de-focus from ur hurt n pain...n one day ull realize that ure over him..n things werent so hard as u thought theyd b....n the most important thing: u survived....u fuckin survived....... # [ posted @ 11:46:00 AM ] pv thats way too much blogging for one nite i have to be up in 4 hrs. goodnite world, goodnite god. another shit days gone past, theres nother to live thru tomrw......n the day after... i hate how my life is rite now. i wish roque never left :( had roque not left....my life wud b completely different rite now... # [ posted @ 11:43:00 AM ] pv "one must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star" nietzsche # [ posted @ 11:38:00 AM ] pv  Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of the circle of life. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 ears and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melidous song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is a symbol of the sun and immortality. The phoenix is a very worthwhile beast. # [ posted @ 11:34:00 AM ] pv i just re read my dialog w/ her......im beginnin to think i made a grave mistake in choosin to not tell her what i meant to tell her....in fact, i tink shes laughin at me as we speak...she probly got a kick out of hearin me cry on her shoulder about her havin done/doin watever....phaps i overestimated her good-ness... she felt good i tink..thinkin that he d rather spend time w/her than w/ me...when its so not true..if only she knew whats really gone on, bcos of her......n i chose for her to look at me pathetically, than to tell her the truth - the truth which will very likely hurt her but y do i do this? was or is she playin me like a fool? even worse, did i jst give her more reason or/n more power for her to continue doin what shes done alredy...is she baskin in glory n glee that shes done this much damage to my life? m i jst prolongin my pain by doin wat im doin...shud i jst fuck all n get on w/life......i need to make my peace w/her, i jst dont know how..i dont know what i really need from her..do i want to hurt her? do i want her to know how much shes hurt me? do i want her to stop spendin time w/him? but wats the use or point...he doenst want me around..he doenst want me around.... "do u want me to b around?" "no" its as straightfwd as he answered it. no. he doesnt want me in his life nemore.... veni wont talk to me. 'u knew this wud happen. it was ur choice..u knew this was gna happen, u know wat hes capable of..u know he never not succeeds in hurtin u like this..but u chose for this to happen..why do u keep doin this..over n over...' :( (my response: 'i guess i still love him' - truly truly pathetic) or mebe its me..mebe nothin is wrong w/ her, or him..or them....mebe its me..me...fucked up me me me me. # [ posted @ 11:05:00 AM ] pv  Where Did Your Soul Originate? You come from Dark Water. You are solitary and find peace in yourself, or maybe you're turmoiled but pull off peace. brought to you by Quizilla # [ posted @ 10:49:00 AM ] pv [Private] You say to Guest:65: this will hurt [Private] You say to Guest:65: both u n me [private] Guest:65 speaks privately: hush ... [private] Guest:65 speaks privately: dont be silly [Private] You say to Guest:65: anna...i know it will [Private] You say to Guest:65: i hope us girls can b strong [private] Guest:65 speaks privately: yes, we can if we want to [Private] You say to Guest:65: n in a way, find strength in each other [private] Guest:65 speaks privately: uh huh [Private] You say to Guest:65: im reachin breakin point [private] Guest:65 speaks privately: i'm always around for you [private] Guest:65 speaks privately: i love you [Private] You say to Guest:65: how can i tell u # [ posted @ 10:13:00 AM ] pv  you're parents were lucky with you. you're sweet. innocent. helpful. and cute. brag a little, you deserve it... what kind of child were you? (brought you by april) # [ posted @ 10:00:00 AM ] pv  Aloof and animalistic, you belong to the Gangrel Clan. Closely associated with werewolves, you are the shapeshifting vampire. You prefer nature than to live in the city and prefer the company of animals than of humans. You are more known to keep to yourself then to help others. You are the lone wolf of the decendents of Caine. What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To? Test Created By # [ posted @ 9:50:00 AM ] pv blah. my face looks like shit bcos i havent used a decent face cleanser in wks now # [ posted @ 9:33:00 AM ] pv i was all set..ammunition ready...thoughts thought out..i was fired up n ready to go there she was, waiting for me to say smth...she is worried abt me, understandably...after all i avoided her for more than a month..n she has bn askin ard for me.. i wantd to spit out "u stole my everything..u took away my happiness..i trusted u..u were close to bein my best friend..i trusted u w/him...even when i knew u wanted him.....i even asked him to spend time w/u becos u needed a friend...i never had reason to not like u..i never thought bad of u...but u destroyed my life...destroyed us...u effectively killed me.. u robbed me of a future...n u stole my past...u cudnt even leave me w/the good memories i had left..u took those away too...u made me want to wish id never fallen in love w/him...bcos of how things r now, bcos this is all so painful..u stole my life..u took away my world..u made me lose hope in love..u made me not want to love...or live......." but. i cudnt do it. i ended up almost crying my heart out to her.....i cudnt tell her what i needed to tell her..bcos it wud hurt her too much..i dint want to hurt her..she had no intention of hurting nebody, i know that..altho she specifically asked him to not tell me that they were spendin time together...altho she threw herself at his feet unabashedly, damn well knowing that we were together.... i think i that i dont hate her after all...or i dont hate her that much to say what i planned to say.. i dont even dislike her. in fact..i think i kinda like her.. so i lied..or i dint tell her the whole picture at least..i just (kindly) asked her what her real feelings were towards him - altho i alredi knew..i needed to hear it straight from the horses mouth...she told me what id long xpectd..those words i dread to hear, the thought i hate to think, the heaviness my heart feels when i just so much picture them being together: yes, she has a thing for him n i wanted to cry right there n then...altho id long known... it was so strange, confronting the perpetrator of ur misery, unhappiness..the person uve hated for such a long time.....the person who destroyed u.... so i told her just enuff for my peace of mind...for now......told her y ive been avoidin her...n yes, she hurt me....n i left the rest... i gave her the (wrong) impression that i had/have a thing for tatto too, but that he dint/doenst feel the same way how stupid...she mst feel so sorry for me. it was real degrading when she attempted to comfort me. once again, i felt humiliated....my perpetrator, giving me a pat on the back, in a dumb attempt to console me!! when shes the damn fuckin reason im this way..whn she got the whole fuckin story all wrong! sigh.......but i still cudnt hate her.. fuck. so mebe i hate him, not her. i guess i dint even need to confront her abt him...after all, him n i r totally over. i tink i just needed her to know...i dont know y..i just needed her to know. im tired n sleepy..n so fucked up. thats nuff blogging for today. fuck everything. fuck all.... # [ posted @ 3:58:00 AM ] pv i can choose to b a decent human being n let go...find some sort of way to close this chapter in my life..n move on...n hopefully, this will make me a stronger n better person or i can HURT someone SO fuckin bad the way they hurt me.....i can destroy u, bitch...i can destroy u to shreds.....torture u so fuckin bad n so fuckin slow ull b wishin u never met me.....n i can destroy u both...subject u to so much mental pain n anguish..destroy ur mind, torment u so bad....ill make u hate each other..ill make u regret u did this to me....ill break ur souls, twist ur minds to the point of complete mental decapitation...ull wish u never met each other...n ill want u both to suffer the way i m now...ill want u to feel wat i feel, to b in my fuckin shoes....i want to destroy n ruin ne memories u mite have of us 4...i want u to remember me, n wish ud never met me..i want u to remember each other, n wish ud never met each other i will destroy u i will destroy u so bad i will hurt u the way u hurt me u arrogant son of a bitch n ur rotten snatch cunt whore u filthy, diseased individuals u were made for each other FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. no wonder u both have cancer. there. i said it. FUCK U. # Thursday, November 28 [ posted @ 10:01:00 PM ] pv whore u whore........u cheap whore # [ posted @ 9:59:00 PM ] pv i dont know who i shud hate more, u or ur cunt gf # [ posted @ 9:39:00 PM ] pv day twenty five: 116 # [ posted @ 9:34:00 PM ] pv Guest:justme to kiara: great, talking to myself here. thanks a lot, FRIEND! You say to Guest:justme: hi Guest:justme to kiara: good Guest:justme to kiara: i can stop talking to myself now Guest:justme to kiara: how are u, long time no see You say to Guest:justme: not too good Guest:justme to kiara: oh dear You say to Guest:justme: hanging by a thread Guest:justme to kiara: u are kidding right? You say to Guest:justme: i thought i was over the whole self mutilatn thing You say to Guest:justme: but i almost wana taste the feeling again Guest:justme to kiara: huhh? what are u talking about? what did u do? You say to Guest:justme: somethings drawing me closer to it Guest:justme to kiara: HEY, don't make me come over there!!!! You say to Guest:justme: can taste it You say to Guest:justme: n i want it Guest:justme to kiara: oh stop it Guest:justme to kiara: what are u referring to? Guest:justme to kiara: what self mutilatn thing are u talking about? You say to Guest:justme: im off in 3 mins You say to Guest:justme: hows it feel to dprive urself of all food n water Guest:justme to kiara: food, i am cool with that...but not h2o You say to Guest:justme: not that i wana starve myself but its like somethings taken over my world Guest:justme to kiara: how long has it been? You say to Guest:justme: like a blankets jst come n taken over Guest:justme to kiara: no food and water You say to Guest:justme: its wrapped my world in it You say to Guest:justme: literally Guest:justme to kiara: ohhhh Guest:justme to kiara: tell someone then You say to Guest:justme: i dont see nething You say to Guest:justme: i dont see neone You say to Guest:justme: i just feel the pain Guest:justme to kiara: and where is your prosessive BF??? Guest:justme to kiara: what is the matter with him, can he not see u are in need? You say to Guest:justme: pain, anger You say to Guest:justme: hes not my bf nemore You say to Guest:justme: i feel wicked Guest:justme to kiara: so what..he is still your friend! You say to Guest:justme: wicked.....i really want to hurt Guest:justme to kiara: wicked?? so this is the evil kiara? Guest:justme to kiara: who do u want to hurt? You say to Guest:justme: n then laugh abt it You say to Guest:justme: i want to be in physical pain Guest:justme to kiara: i bet u want to hurt me You say to Guest:justme: "u bleed just to know ure alive" You say to Guest:justme: or Guest:justme to kiara: oh boy,,sorry, i am not into those s+m things You say to Guest:justme: maybe the emotional pain is just too much You say to Guest:justme: or You say to Guest:justme: maybe i do want to not live again You say to Guest:justme: or You say to Guest:justme: maybe i want to prove smth to someone You say to Guest:justme: or Guest:justme to kiara: what do u want to prove and who do u want to prove to? You say to Guest:justme: the pain controls me You say to Guest:justme: my hate controls me Guest:justme to kiara: oh You say to Guest:justme: i want to control wats controling me Guest:justme to kiara: hey did u ever see that movie..... You say to Guest:justme: n then Guest:justme to kiara: damn, i cannot think of it You say to Guest:justme: there will b nothing left to control nemore You say to Guest:justme: n i win You say to Guest:justme: bcos i lived Guest:justme to kiara: wow, u sound like those psychos Guest:justme to kiara: stop it...u are freaking me out You say to Guest:justme: its a nice serene thought You say to Guest:justme: idyllic bliss You say to Guest:justme: to be...unaware Guest:justme to kiara: oh boy You say to Guest:justme: unconscious Guest:justme to kiara: hey where have u been in the past few days? You say to Guest:justme: well im off You say to Guest:justme: i died You say to Guest:justme: but kiara is back You say to Guest:justme: back w/a vengeance Guest:justme to kiara: lol....u are alive Guest:justme to kiara: fine, just go then...have a good day! Guest:justme to kiara: take care Guest:justme to kiara: thought u are off? Guest:justme to kiara: hello?? Guest:justme to kiara: are u there? # [ posted @ 8:55:00 AM ] pv The first step to finding love is to look inside yourself for it. how true...i truly believe tht if we all were self assurd enuff to b happy w/self-love n no other type of love, we d b happier individuals .. n a happier individual shines, glows, is a better person allround...n happier ppl r attractive..its so ez to tell a happy person from a sad one, jst by lookin at their face...how they walk, how they carry themselves.. n it also works the other way round - when u r in love, u love urself too .. i blieve the perfect partner is someone who loves u as u r, yet wants u to b the best u can b, n s/he helps to bring out that part in u...smth veni told me i still remember vividly: she said my bein w/ tatto had the opposite effect: he always brought out the worst in me..n she told me this after me n him sorta split up...bcos she was so afraid id do smth stupid if she told me while we were together..actually i dont tink i wudve bothered, bcos i wudntve blieved her neway (sad to say...) w/roque i was myself, n not only was i in love w/him but w/myself as well...i startd lookin after myself more, i ate wat i wantd w/o worryin abt my weight...i really njoyed livin then, i loved bein alive...i was happy...he helped me c tht i was love-able, not only to him but myself too...i loved him even more for that..for givin me hope in not jst love, but life...he gave me the desire to want to live - live not just for him entirely, but for myself as well so u c, love does wonders...it can really turn a persons life around..for the better, for the worse..n when ur life is shit when ure w/someone, u know ure w/ the wrong person n u know that uve gotta let him or her go...bcos that person is just not doing u or ur life ne good i cant even imagine me doin half of the crazy things i did the past yr, rite now...in a way, im stupefied i took it that far..im a bit ashamed i put myself n more imprtantly, my fam, thru that shit..coz while i know ill b over it someday, they on the other hand r traumatized forever.. which brings us to the question: will i do it again? well maybe. i cant say i wont, bcos id b lyin..somtimes i feel like takin a paper cutter onto my wrist n feelin the blade cut thru my skin, watchin the dark red blood seep out.... just today i had flashbacks of what my wrist lookd like once upon a time...i put my fingers there n i cud almost c the 20, 30 cuts....i remember everything...except one thing: the physical pain of havin all of those cuts there... i remm my head explodin to bits, i remm feelin this intense desire to die...wantin to die......desperately wantin to die..... n it was jinn that saved me..knowin that i had her to look after..... i mite get nother tatto..of a word id intended to get tattooed down my lower bk (i eventually decided on nother word) ...this time on my left wrist where all the scars r......so if or when i feel like hurtin myself, i will tink twice.... BUT..when i do decide to go for the knife, then i know ive hit rock bottom ..n that wud b the end of me for sure...bcos if i can slice my wrist w/ that word there, then i know im sure...i know its my time...i know i ll wanna make the final exit...no 2nd thoughts, no turnin back....thats it, i dont wanna live nemore..... # [ posted @ 7:16:00 AM ] pv fuck u bitch # [ posted @ 3:28:00 AM ] pv Something's gone You're withdrawn I'm not strong Like before I was deep inside of you I can go nowhere I burn candles and stare At a ghost Deep inside of you And some great need in me Starts...to bleed I've lost myself There's nothin' left It's all gone Deep inside of you -3rd eye blind # [ posted @ 2:24:00 AM ] pv # [ posted @ 2:22:00 AM ] pv # [ posted @ 2:17:00 AM ] pv
ohwell..i cudnt resist..bite me # Wednesday, November 27 [ posted @ 10:06:00 PM ] pv i think i will declare today 'no pc day'..godknows i need it # [ posted @ 11:14:00 AM ] pv last quiz for tonite, i promise...gulp. i need to b up in approximately 4 hrs.... 1. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others?: hair, smile 2. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: yes, if i found her to b competent enuff to b running our country 3. Would you marry for money?: no 4. Have you had braces?: no, but my teeth need them desperately but i cant afford them :( 5. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: yes 6. Do you ever cut or hurt yourself?: yea 7. When was the last time you had a hickey?: hmm 3 yrs ago 8. Could you live without a computer?: nope, i think not 9. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc..?: ive only ever used icq, speakin of which..i just uninstalled it today 10. If so, how many people are on your list(s)?: there was only 1 person id come online for.. 11. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: hm i dont know n im not bothered to think abt the answer rite now 12. Do you drink enough water?: doubt it 13. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: i like walking around my place barefoot 14. What is your favorite fruit?: hmm mandarins, green grapes (pref. the seedless kind), santol from back home, watermelon, papaya, mangoes..i love all kinds actually..oh yea starfruit n kiwifruit too.... 15. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: wheat 16. What is your favorite place to visit?: any place where theres water, like by the pier, or takin a ride on the ferry on watever 17. What is the last movie you saw?: umm red dragon 18. Do you kiss on the first date?: er no, but when ure semi stoned..well..its likely to happen..n it did for me.....n we re still together =) well sorta together...sigh.. 19. Are you photogenic?: no i look ever fatter n uglier in pics 20. Do you dream in color or black and white?: color..hm is it possible to dream in b/w is it? 21. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: no not rite now...damn, i was spposd to do that tonite 22. Do you have any dimples?: nope 23. Do you remember being born?: umm wat sorta qstn is this 24. Why do you take surveys?: bcos i want to feel important :( yea im that pathetic i know..... 25. Do you drink alcohol?: ummmlots 26. Did you like or do you like high school?: i dint love nor hate it..it was ok...i was a decent student 27. What is the most beautiful language?: i ve no idea 28. When you are asleep do you like being kissed awake?: oh shit yea that wud b wonderful.. 29. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: ive nev seen a sunrise..n ive seen the sun set just once, in - appropriately named nuff - sunset beach in hawaii..twas breathtaking.. 30. Do you want to live to be 100?: if im fit n healthy n in no pain watsoever, y not? 31. Do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair?: er, its their choice 32. Do you like salty food or sugary food the most?: salty 33. Is a flat stomach important to you?: yes, wish i had one 34. Do you or have you played with a ouija board?: no n i wudnt mess ard w/one 35. Are you loyal?: yes, fiercely so..it comes w/ bein psychotically jealous 36. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?: i wus say yea, in general 37. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: on..i nev switch the lights off, even whn im sleepin 38. Do you believe in magic?: yes 39. Do you have nightmares frequently?: no, touch wood, i dont..tink in all my life ive had abt only 3 really really nasty ones, where i woke up in a bad sweat n my heart thumping like mad 40. Do you like your nose?: no in fact i hate it. like my hair 41. Do you like abstract art?: i like art in watever way or form..im all for ppl xpressin emselves in whichever means 42. Do you think you can draw well?: i wud say that im not that bad 43. Do you listen to music daily?: yes at least a cpl times a day 44. Do you like to watch cartoons?: no, but if somthins on i wudnt switch the tv off 45. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?: i guess at abt 8 or 9 whn we stoppd gettin pressies in our stockings 46. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: abt 20 pairs 47. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: a variety, watever suits wat im wearin 48. Do you write poetry?: wen im angry/sad/depressed/on the brink of losing my mind....ive only ever written a happy poem once 49. Do you snore?: im told, yes 50. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: on my side, bcos i like to curl up into a little ball....or when im sleepin w someone, i like to put my arms ard him..smell his face or neck or breath 51. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?: it doenst matter..id take ne breed 52. Do you lick stamps?: hmm i havent snail maild neone in ages..id always use water for the stamps..or gluestick 53. Do you use an electric can opener?: i dint even know theres such a thing? 54. Have you ridden in a hot air balloon?: no 55. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: definitely emotional 56. Do you think balding men should shave their heads?: hmm..i dont care, as long as they dont do the combover shit 57. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: no..but i tink from all the ppl i know, i come the closest to havin it 58. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: either, but i can play the piano 59. Are you a sex addict?: w/ the person i love, yea 60. Do you know someone who has cancer?: sigh...yes :(((((((( 61. Do you hunt?: NO FUCKIN WAY 62. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: neither 63. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: STOP ANIMAL EXPLOITATION! BOYCOTT ZOOS! does tht answer this qstn? 64. Do you have a middle name?: er..does my moms surname count? 65. Are you basically a happy person?: far from it 66. Are you tired?: no..jst mentally drained...... 67. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: no 68. Have you ever met anyone off the internet?: yea..never again 69. How many phones do you have in your house?: land fones or cell fones? lines or the fone itself? blah........who cares 70. How long is your hair?: hmm few inches below my shoulders..i wana grow it long 71. Do you get along with your parents?: yea we re ok 72. What color of eyes do you prefer?: im content w/wat ive got 73. Are you an active person?: i can b if i want to 74. What medications do you take?: hmm jst cpl vit supplements 75. What does your bedroom look like?: cozy, messy, disorganized..lots of newspapers, mags, books on the floor n on my desk n on my bed.... k thats it for now..im off to zZZ YESSSSSSSSS i made it thru the day.....n i havent reinstalled icq! .. yes...i can do this...i can not talk to tatto for cpl days...i tink..sigh.....shit...who m i kiddin...the thought scares me, truth b told......i feel like a fucckin druggie bein forced to come off heroin....:( i miss him....n i miss roque fuck fuck fuck im so fucked up.......tink i shud close my eyes n forget all this shit for now......UGH, i hate me # [ posted @ 10:04:00 AM ] pv uknow smth.....i miss being held...i miss bein important to someone... # [ posted @ 10:02:00 AM ] pv  Take The After-Death Destination Quiz Another (baka) quiz made by Kourin # [ posted @ 9:55:00 AM ] pv  What kind of drunk are you? # [ posted @ 9:54:00 AM ] pv 
# [ posted @ 9:52:00 AM ] pv  A girl with a strong sense of Athena is a true go-getter and makes no apologies for it. (You Rock!) You have the courage and discipline to follow your dreams and you won't let anyone stand in your way. "Athena teaches you to be a leader, to be secure within yourself and to use your mind," says Stassinopoulous. Whether you want to become fluent in French, biotechnology, or HTML, it's only a matter of time. # [ posted @ 9:28:00 AM ] pv 
#[ posted @ 9:02:00 AM ] pv i made it....well i just want to make it thru the day, one hr at a time..i cried on the way to work today, on the train while 'talkin' to tatto....frankly speakin, he dint give a flyin fuck that there i was, breathin heavily n sobbin away in full view of the public...i dont even remm wat i said, probly smth stupid..i just know n remm wat i was feelin: so hurt n pained that he was treatin me that way...n his last words while i was crying? him "ok i tink uve reachd ur destinatn, u shud go" me "y dont u just say wat u mean n tell me that u gotta go?" him "ok...i have to go, ive reached my destinatn..ive gotta enter the lift" me "yea..go" him "k..chaolo" the most arrogant, ungrateful, selfish person i know.....this is someone i gave up my job for..someone i put my life on hold for...someone i tried to kill myself over....my relationship w/ my family is ruined forever bcos of him....someone i gave myself to, totally and wholly, nothing barred, nothing whatsoever...but the weird thing is that..i still see him as my soulmate.....we connected like 2 halves, we were a perfect match...we still are a perfect match...im not hopin for nethin, no...jst sayin that if he really wanted to, we can still b how we were like b4..so perfect, so much in love, we oozed love from all our pores....n he was so happy..n i was so happy...i guess he just lost his love for me...i dont hate him...i guess id still choose to b w/ him if i was given the choice...or mebbe im jst really lonely..mebe if roque was here things wud ve been really different...i guess ill never know..i guess i dont know nething...i kept askin tatto over n over today "wat does it matter if im able to make sense of this all? i try n try so hard to make sense of wats goin on...n it hurts doin this, n i havent found the answers...but really, wat does it matter?"...yea..what does it matter....i feel despondent now.. # [ posted @ 8:23:00 AM ] pv tidbits from googlism, which thinks i am.... -a cute little girl in haiti who is waiting for her forever family -a capital of charente maritime department -situated about 300 miles southwest of paris on the atlantic coast and about a three hour train ride on france's famous rapid transit -a popular seaside resort city situated about 300 miles southwest of paris on the atlantic coast -a member of the french grandes ecoles -known as the french capital of nautical activity -on long island sound about 10 miles south of white plains -sincerely concerned about making her customers look and feel good -the 443rd most popular female first name in the united states; frequency is 0 -nicknamed the "hub city" for many reasons -a jazz singer and story teller combined into one -a treasured jewel within westchester county -proud of its quality of life -an extremely lively town -a cnn general assignment correspondent in the washington -covering the protests outside the united states supreme court in washington -from california and is in 6th grade -located 16 miles north of new york city and is easily accessible by public transportation from mid -a very sociable young lady -famous for its warm and sunny climate -a center of trade -a member of the webring's romance reading ring -being challenged by republican mae beavers -the queen of firsts when it comes to nazareth basketball -undergoing a residential building boom -a relatively wealthy community -the only city in new york to have a legislated property tax cap -currently not scheduled for any appearances -now 78 years old -available for seminars or workshops -a graduate of hebrew union college jewish institute of religion -one of the most easily accessible from the open sea on the french atlantic coast -anything but boring rock -based in vancouver -a member of the board of governors for the georgia public policy foundation -a graduate engineer in the field of mechanical engineering -very sad and her parents wont accept the idea of having their only daugher with cancer -composed of four separate schools -very motivated and optimistic about furthering and continuing her education -a master at motivating you to go far -a graduate of temple university who has worked in public relations and higher education -known also as the 1960s home of television characters rob and laura petrie in the dick van dyke show -a highly praised touristic destination with a rich history evidenced by some fascinating architecture -carrying a range of injuries -a hellwoman -a veteran democratic senator from lebanon -an excellent place to visit -proud of her heritage and this is reflected in her music -definitely stoked and on her way to world champion -located in the southern part of westchester county -usarec's new commander -home to an innovative method of fishing whereby the caught fish are frozen and packed up before being transported back to the shore -wellknown all over europe for the bigger marina -here to make getting a master’s degree or -situation on the bay of biscay -immers haar donphan aan het leren hoe hij amberiet moet vinden -fifteen year old and volunteering as a counselor -an alternative rock band from san diego -a city whose association with sailing and the sea goes back hundreds of years -ranked the number two french fishing ports for fresh fish -a picturesque friendly town -intussen gewoon gelukkig bij haar vader -a historic us city offering visitors stunning views of the blue ridge mountains and a respite from hectic city pressures -an impressive estate tucked away in the imbeza valley of zimbabwe near the mozambique border n roque... -is arizona's mellow warrior -is one of the best astronomical sites in the world -is the ideal base for your holiday -is set above meia praia beach in lagos -is one of the principal producers of organic agricultural groceries in the region -is one of the municipalities in the são paulo state -is the third dam to be constructed on the agno river -is the patron of the sick -is the centerpiece of an archipelago that includes great and little spruce -is situated in the centre of the haut languedoc national park in a large valley of 100 hectares -is reacheable via santa cruz in the east or puntagorda in the north west -is still on the volleyball scene in various roles -is situated on a hilltop and was founded in 1704 by the inhabitants of gibraltar who rejected the offer of the english to remain living -is on one side of 'the golden triangle' of spanish golf -is fourth in earnings $243 -is situated less than 1 km from lagos center and only aa step away from the marina "meia praia" a beautiful long sandy beach about 10 -is also a member of the advisory board of the federation of materials societies -is a dark horse but not to be dismissed -is able to offer clients the widest choice of houses -is an active member and officer in various professional educational and religious organizations -is a durable mountain of a man with strong arms and hands who -is also participating in the reserve officers' training corps program at -is also a pleasure whether you choose to dine in one of the restaurants or out on one of the terraces -is absolutely beautiful -is a truly beautiful course -is a member of the boards of directors of the pittsburgh chapter of the urban league -is an exciting challenge for golfers of all degrees of ability -is now one of the world`s great golfing venues -is the only inhabited island in the archipelago -is now suspected of being a cuban spy -is currently the director of the cuban institute of independent economists -is ook het observatorio astrofisica gevestigd -is the archipelago's only island that is inhabited by humans; it is home to a few hundred of fishermen -is the brown bobas that builds a very simple nests directly on the floor with some few branches -is considered one of the most successful businessmen in portugal -is able to return home -is in san roque -is home to the seve ballesteros golf -is smart and cuddly -is an italian church -is an independent nonprofit school whose purpose is to complement the work begun in the home by parents -is convicted on any of the charges -is on a european tour seeking support for havana's demand that elian be returned to his father -is the benson institute’s nurse in chiquimula -is a city with deep historical roots -is too cute nn -is one of the largest rock and earthfill dams in asia -is that it is particularly accessible to many other parts of spain and even portugal -is spotted in the bahamas by cuban refugees at the camp -is fluent in french and arabic -is the jewel of a pristine necklace of islands set aside as a nations park -is a town distinguished by its whiteness and for tatto (u just knew id look him up too dint u?).... -is intolerant (i like this one) -is ciscos ceo -is about drugs we done it in drama -is my soul mate -is still in the closet -is a fellow nethead and he drives a moke -is now owned by the sapling foundation -is the patron saint of shark jumping -is very quiet and trapped in a box -is a five piece band that gets into their music so much that the energy level gets scary --is a text processor running under x -is supervising two research students working in this area -is a cute polar bear -is well known for meticulously refined bonsai -is back in the rat race -is a babe -is a perfect complement to my style of professional development -is asked to judge the annual 'lovely girls' competition -is acknowledged within the profession as australia’s premier traffic engineer and is highly regarded for the dedicated service he gave to the traffic -is a dud -is a fidonet -is determined that fathers dougal and jack be on their -is the only candidate in group 21 who has extensive trial experience as both an assistant state attorney -is the senior partner to lew shaffer and is as active in ministry today as he has ever been -is responsible for overseeing the development of new products -is a very affectionate -is published by transwest data corporation and is distributed via this web page -is one of the smarter engineers that i know; there's no technical issue that he doesn't understand -is now the owner and operator of adventure scuba diving -is an active member of the mississippi bar associtation -is the present director of rebuild resources -is a grandpa -is resting from his travels -is a 138kg adult male green turtle and has big shoes to fill -is now in his eighties but is quite fit and is a pleasure to be with -is not just for companies looking for export contracts -is a text processor running under x windows on unix/linux systems -is particularly effective at working with community groups on projects such as the river run centre in guelph and owen public school in toronto -is a writer at a new york magazine -is the educational consultant for the mac and has 17 years of experience in training and development with major corporations as both instructor -is gaining admiration and credibility as one of the next generation of custom -is voicing industrials for one of the largest marketing companies in the nation -is a mentor to a college student through the hoop dreams program -is a specialised business and a non -is a member of the board of directors and executive committee of the indiana trial lawyers -is also a screenwriter and even wrote the second season episode the lost land -is a wonderful actor -is a past board member of the carenet pregnancy center and frederick union rescue mission -is determined that this year he will beat his fellow priests from rugged island -is propositioned by mary # [ posted @ 2:18:00 AM ] pv butistillwanttoloveyou # [ posted @ 1:43:00 AM ] pv to self: its ok to cry...its ok to let it all out.... i know i tried my damnest..i know i gave it my all....i gave u my pride, my self respect, my life. i almost died for u. i almost died for u. # [ posted @ 1:35:00 AM ] pv u only bring me sad tears the worst in me ive come to the point where i want to throw my life away when im with u i know u dont love me i know im just fooling myself when i think that u do and i want pain and i want to destroy but ive got to hold on if only until she is with me but until then i weep i itch to bleed but i can only find some peace in the anticipation of it numbness starts to set in and i dont know whats around me anymore but i still shed tears i can cry i can still cry # [ posted @ 1:27:00 AM ] pv One Last Breath - creed Please come now I think I'm falling I'm holding on to all I think is safe It seems I found the road to nowhere And I'm trying to escape I yelled back when I heard thunder But I'm down to one last breath And with it let me say Let me say Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking That maybe six feet Ain't so far down I'm looking down now that it's over Reflecting on all of my mistakes I thought I found the road to somewhere Somewhere in His grace I cried out 'Heaven save me' But I'm down to one last breath And with it let me say Let me say Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking That maybe six feet Ain't so far down Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking That maybe six feet Ain't so far down Sad eyes follow me But I still believe there's something left for me So please come stay with me Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me For you and me For you and me Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking That maybe six feet Ain't so far down Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking That maybe six feet Ain't so far down Please come now I think I'm falling I'm holding on to all I think is safe # [ posted @ 1:25:00 AM ] pv done. about 60 seconds ago i uninstalled icq for good. which means im saying goodbye to you for good. # Tuesday, November 26 [ posted @ 8:27:00 PM ] pv Bleed - cold I'm feeling crossed I take it inside Burn up the pain My thoughts are strange Just like the things I used to love Just like the tree that fell I heard it If art is still inside I feel it I wanna bleed Show the world all that I have inside I wanna scream Let the blood flow that keeps me alive Take all these strings They call my veins Wrap them around Every fucking thing Presence of people Not for me Well I must remain in tune Forever My love is music I will marry melody I wanna bleed Show the world all that I have inside I wanna scream Let the blood flow that keeps me alive Won't you let me take you For a ride You can stop the world Try to change my mind Won't you let me show you How it feels You can stop the world But you won't change me I need music I need music I need music to set me free To let me bleed # [ posted @ 7:52:00 PM ] pv a wave of "why the fuck do u give a shit about tatto?" comes over me..yea..why the fuck do i give a rats ass about him when...even blind joe can see that hes playin me like a friggin piano...his level of arrogance is unbelievable...i tink i just cant believe tht neone can b that arrogant, im still hopin against hope i had a dream about roque last nite: i dreamt that he came back.....he came back n he even said "now is a new start, n i want to b with u for as long as forever" we were in my room, im sittin on this chair...facin the other way...he is standin, n looks deep into my eyes w/ so much love..he is smilin...his eyes r smiling too...he holds my face in his hands....hes jst come back from the usa, n hes ecstatic to b bk....."now is a new start for us, i want to b with u" he says.... we kiss tenderly as we move towards my bed.. my dream stops. its not that i wake up or nethin..i jst stop dreamin..hmm i mstve come out of rem then.... # [ posted @ 12:39:00 PM ] pv im so proud of myself...now i need some shuteye goodnite tatto, sweet dreams goodnite roque, sweet dreams # [ posted @ 12:17:00 PM ] pv made some minor changes to my blog template, shit that took all nite...n my bk is hurtin :( # [ posted @ 11:19:00 AM ] pv to recap: on 24 oct, tatto sent me a shit email..in short, berating me and quantifying his losses becos of his having been with me the past yr..details i found quite entertaining include: . he said that he had to lie to everyone around him because he had to find a way to spend time n be with me - so i should thank him . n also, becos of me, he as well as a LOT of people around him "suffered" - so i should feel guilty and sorry . apparently, i shud also be "grateful" that hes still with me, despite all the "hurt" i cause him . furthermore, he defiantly informed me that my "permission" or "consent" was not needed when it came to the "women friends" he spent his time with...although they encroached into our time and space . he called me "bloody selfish" coz i felt that he put his "women friends" above me n my personal favorite: . he spent "soooo" much time with me he lost so much $$$ because i "took up" time he couldve spent on bzness meetings or bzness calls making even more money w/his high flyin peers in the industry, rippin the little ppl off.....(blah, wealthy people disgust me) whn tatto got too bz to bother w/ me...one nite, veni n i took off for a drink at a local park..to talk, feel sorry for ourselves, laugh at our men n their stupidity...when the nite was over at abt 10.30, we were abt to part ways to go home when i had this insane idea to go to this pub where we always hung out in....twas jst 5mins away...so off we went: in our yucky jeans n 'unsexy sandals', as veni called them heh.......we dint care..we jst wantd to have one drink, hear the live band play phaps just one set, then go home guess what...i met this gorgeous hunk roque and........ veni n i ended up stayin there till 5am...n roque walked me home.......the start of a beautiful n excitin relationship.... tatto n i have not spoken since # Monday, November 25 [ posted @ 10:10:00 PM ] pv i told him. i told tatto what i really feel. gulp. this cud either b the most stupid or the most liberating thing ive done regarding the damned situation we re in. kea(12:55 AM) : physically giddy tatto(12:55 AM) : go on kea(12:55 AM) : id never felt like that b4 kea(12:56 AM) : was like fallin in love w a brand new love xcept u know this love inside n out kea(12:56 AM) : but ure unsure of what to do or not do? say/not say? bcos evything was new kea(12:56 AM) : xcept the person which is a v weird feelin kea(12:57 AM) : but the longing was there like...aching to b ard tht person kea(12:57 AM) : n whn tht person is there..its like evything fit kea(12:58 AM) : not to say evything is right but simply, nothin was wrong kea(12:58 AM) : sorry, can i ask what u r tinkin or feelin now, b4 i go on? tatto(12:59 AM) : readin,n digestin kea(12:59 AM) : oh u ve not finishd readin all the esays abv? kea(13:00 PM) : hope u r not chokin on ur saliva there..remm to swallow n breathe k tatto(13:02 PM) : fone kea(13:04 PM) : brb a min kea(13:09 PM) : bk, t ur time tatto(13:10 PM) : hmm kea(13:13 PM) : wat kea(13:13 PM) : (havin steppd out of my rm i ponder now if ive jst done an incredibly stupid n dumb thing) kea(13:16 PM) : jst clarifyin, u r on fone still no> tatto(13:16 PM) : still on e fone kea(13:17 PM) : phew ok nothin, sorry..keep blah blah tatto(13:39 PM) : can we discuss tis later? tatto(13:39 PM) : as in prehaps tonite or smthing tatto(13:39 PM) : ive been gettin fone calls kea(13:39 PM) : thats ok, i wasnt xpectin it to b discussd tatto(13:39 PM) : k tatto(13:39 PM) : jus need time to digest kea(13:40 PM) : u dont ve to chop it in pieces n analyze ok theyre jst feelings kea(13:40 PM) : b they wrong, misguided perceptions,theyre just idle feelings # [ posted @ 7:53:00 PM ] pv this is so stupid: "No matter how confused or stupid or unloving other persons may appear to us, we have no right ever to assume that their consciousness is on a lower level than ours. They may be realizing far deeper dimensions of love. The way we see them is an explicit measure of our own vibration level. "When you learn to love the very people you now see as vulgar, unenlightened, stupid, insane—and love ALL OUR FEELINGS ABOUT THEM -- these people are your tickets to paradise. Whatever they are doing, love them for doing it. Love them as much as you can frrom wherever you are. When you deny others the freedom to be what they are, it's a sure sign that you're not loving yourself for the way YOU are. . . .Whether we feel it or not, we are all One with all the Love in the Universe." (The Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment, Thaddeus Golas.) no wonder....it was written by a man, for men # [ posted @ 9:02:00 AM ] pv the moment of truth..i m in the process of uninstalling my icq. # [ posted @ 8:49:00 AM ] pv "If a man dwells on the past, then he robs the present; but if a man ignores the past, he may rob the future. The seeds of our destiny are nurtured by the roots of our past." - Master Po # [ posted @ 8:44:00 AM ] pv n my weakness for u shocks n sickens me # [ posted @ 8:42:00 AM ] pv ur arrogance nauseates me # [ posted @ 8:29:00 AM ] pv "monsieur! arretez-vous!" cria l agent, en courant vers la direction de monsieur dupont. monsieur dupont etait en train de fermer la portiere arriere de sa petite renault. "monsieur" fit l agent "savez vous qu il est interdit de stationner ici? votre permis de conduire, s il vous plait." "monsieur, voyons, j ai une reunion avec mon patron et mes collegues, et maintenant, je suis en retard." "monsieur, regardez le poteau indicateur. c est une route reglementee. si vous avez l intention de stationner votre voiture, vous pouvez aller a la rue de l autre cote," dit l agent d une voix ferme. "ca alors, je vous ai avez dit. je n ai pas le temps. bon, au moins, laissez-moi stationner ma voiture pour une demi-heure." "monsieur, c est pas possible. je n ai le choix que vous dresser une contravention." et puis il commenca a ecrire une contravention. furieux, monsieur dupont la prit et courut vers la banque, ou il travaillait. apres quelques minutes, une jolie jeune fille stationna sa voiture ou monsieur dupont avait stationne la sienne. l agent la vit, et immediatement lui dit "mademoiselle, il est interdit de stationner ici." a ce moment-la, elle commenca a pleurer. "mais..mais je dois aller chez le coiffeur" balbutia-t-elle. elle avait l air tellement triste, ainsi fit l agent "bon, je comprends que c est tres important pour vous." et puis, il ouvrit la portiere de sa voiture et laissa la femme entrer. l agent se dit "mais quelquefois l agent doit etre gentil!" # [ posted @ 6:51:00 AM ] pv so tonite im doin some spring cleanin..im chuckin out some schoolbooks from high school, as well as some others: - mathematics for hk (main textbook, workbooks, supplementary notes) (chan, leung, wise) - the government and politics of hong kong (5th ed.) (miners) - essentials of management information systems (2nd ed.) (laudon & laudon) - east meets west vol. 2, 1815-1919 (morales) barring the math books, i only kept these books becos they were still brand new come graduation time...i never studied back in school, but for some reason i always did quite well..i was an above-average student most of the time...always surprised my friends..but truthfully, i never cared how bad/good i did...i dint particularly hate school, or love it..it was just somethin id do..w/ no complaints, feelins watsoever oh yea n i kept my math books for sentimental reasons...i had like this mega crush on my math teacher..i was even ecstatic when i had to attend math summer school bcos that meant seein him everyday all summer!..heh......somtimes id dress up in my best gear to..lol, i feel stupid now... # Sunday, November 24 [ posted @ 9:52:00 PM ] pv Fifty Questions 1. Your name spelled backward? araik 2. Where were your parents born? phils 3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? "in god's eyes" by inner voices, on 22 nov at 00:59 4. What's your favorite restaurant? fat angelo's along ashley road in tst 5. Last time you swam in a pool? er..back in july w/ veni in kowloon park..or was it in august?. i just remember it was a sunday 6. Have you ever been in a school play? nope. but i did the script, does that count? 7. How many kids do you want? more than 2 8. Type of music you dislike most? country/hillbilly 9. Are you registered to vote? yes 10. Do you have cable? personally, no. but mom n dad n bros got it in their rooms 11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? no 12. Ever prank call anybody? hell yea lol 13. Ever get a parking ticket? nope, heck i dont even have my own car :( 14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? YES YES YES! 15. Furthest place you ever traveled? by plane, umm from here to ny. by car, from sydney to wollongong 16. Do you have a garden? no, wish i did 17. What's your favorite comic strip? calvin & hobbes 18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? i dont even know what our national anthem is. but id b able to tell if it was playin 19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? shower, in the am 20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? ive only seen one movie, red dragon n it rocked. i went w/roque on our month-sary 21. Favorite pizza topping? im vegan, so no pizza for me 22. Chips or popcorn? popcorn 23. What's your favorite color? black, any shade of red, silver, gray, blue 24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? no, whats that? 25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? yea righttttt... 26. Orange or Apple juice? orange, w/ the pulpy bits preferred 27. Favorite musical artist? oh lots, but if i had to pick just one, id say u2..i also like eminem, incubus, creed, tupac, linkin park 28. Favorite type chocolate bar? once again, moi = vegan, so no choc bars for me 29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? oh..umm 4, 5 yrs ago 30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? hmm i dont think i ever had one 31. Have you ever won a trophy? yes, for playing the piano at a charity contest 32. Are you a good cook? i wud say so, but i need a cookbook w/ me 33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? yes 34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? never 35. Sprite or 7-Up? both taste the same to me 36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? hm no i dont think so 37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? sleeping pills..i know i know - bad bad bad! 38. Ever throw up in public? hell yea, all the time 39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? true love, DUH. 40. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes 41. Ever call a 1-900 number? whats that 42. Can exes be friends? im not sure..im figuring that out now as we speak...heck i dont even know if theyre my exes yet 43. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? hm..my ex-gfs dad 9 years ago, cpl days before he died from complications of the kidney 44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? i have no idea 45. What message is on your answering machine? its a recorded msg 46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live character? i dont watch snl 47. What was the name of your first pet? kitty, my little baby cat...had her for over 20 years, she passed away last year 48. What is in your purse? oh lotsa things, im notorious for taking my whole room w/ me when i go out: keys, lipstick, lipgloss, diskman, cigs, lighter, gum, my wallet, my journal + a pen, facial tissues, perfume 49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? read, blog, have sex 50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? that jinn is still alive # [ posted @ 9:46:00 PM ] pv no, im not smoking. for one thing, i cant afford it. for another, i want to try to not self-destruct everytime me n tatto fuck up. last time i was here was when roque told me that he was leaving me. and may not come back. i know he ll be back. question is, when? n, will we both be available to hook up w/each other? n phaps the most important: will our feelings still b the same as when he left me? oh shit the xmas lights r up. shit. shit. shit. i will b fine. tatto has her, who will look after him. what can i do? i live billions of miles away. if i want tatto to b happy, leave him. i shud leave him. becos yes, he will fall in love w/her again. one day. n that day will come sooner if i m out of the picture. im cold. i want someone to cuddle up to. close, close, close. roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque roque do something w/ ur life! roque roque at least u let me love u even for just one month. tatto: arrogant dick of the universe (remember: the rich oppress the poor, and tatto is fuckin loaded!) he let money get into his head. arrogant bastard! arrogant bastard! arrogant bastard! arrogant bastard! bloody..u let power n money rule ur life. once upon a time u represented n defined love. u lived ur life in love. it was beautiful. even when u were so close to death, u lived beautifully. because u lived in love. u were living in love. n now u r well, u r an embodiment of everything i hate. against everything i want to defeat n kill. u personify everything i m against, dont believe in. come judgment day, u will look back on this n wish u lived life differently. of all ppl, i wud think that u wud know, realize n understand the meaning of life. bcos u once came so close to death. in the knowledge of death, u lived in life and love n now u r well, u live selfishly. for money, power, wealth, greed, influence. i cannot and dont want to b proud of u. in fact, u r a shame. i almost pity u. u sold ur soul to the devil. when i die, id like to leave bhind memories of me having lived my life w/ respect, dignity, grace, integrity. i want other ppl to remember me as someone who grabbed life n embraced it. not as a coward, a spiness coward who was so afraid of letting himself n other ppl down. u gave up evything. u gave up happiness for a quick n convenient n easy n painless exit. u coward! 24 november # [ posted @ 9:35:00 PM ] pv when someone is not ready to talk, it is impossible to force a conversation out of him. what more a deep, emotional conversation which will undeniably be tinged - no, filled - with what happened the past month. i will not tell him about roque. why? 1. i dont want to hurt him (ok, call me a liar, a slut) 2. i dont want him to hurt himself i think hes still capable of hurting himself. hm. i wonder if ive gone past that? i think i havent been pushed that far yet. but im about to find out. so i guess it means i still love tatto. so does that mean that i dont really love roque? or am i just transferring my feelings for roque onto tatto? or! when i fell in love w/ roque, i was only 'realizing' my love for tatto? shit, im confused. :( when will i know who i really love? but how does it matter when i cannot, will not, have a future w/ tatto?? fact: tatto cannot be with me. even if he really loved me (i must say i know doubt his love for me, if he ever loved me that is). * hard, unchangeable fact * tatto will and must b w/ her for their kid. even if we loved each other like anything (heck, we already proved that we d die for each other) a while back: me: "would you die for me?" him: (long pause - why? was it a lie? he didnt wana admit it to me? or he didnt wana admit it to himself?) "yes" my head n heart r saying: let go of tatto. respect what u had/have w/ roque. but a voice is saying: but i have too much love for ted to let him go. n roque may not come back. to ponder: if roque were here, how would my present situation w/tatto be? what is the best thing for u to do for tatto n urself (both individually n together)? im living for the only thing i know im running and i question where to go n i dont know what im diving to just hanging by a moment here w/u desperate for changing starving for truth closer to where i started in chasing after u im falling even more in love with u letting go of all ive held on to im standing here until u make me move im hanging by a moment here with u i miss u tatto, come back :( 23 november # [ posted @ 9:24:00 PM ] pv so today i made a major move. told tatto to make the first move IF/when hes ready to be his old self w/me again. i wonder if i ll b able to keep my word, ie. to not throw myself at his feet. i miss someone. who? :( 23 november # [ posted @ 9:21:00 PM ] pv you're everything to me when i close my eyes it's you i see you're everywhere i miss you roque 13 november # [ posted @ 11:33:00 AM ] pv so i tried all nite to change this damn template but no success....i guess the only way is to start a new blog altogether. maybe will do that nex wk or smth, def not tonite...im too buggered. # [ posted @ 2:29:00 AM ] pv todays word is: cremation # [ posted @ 1:04:00 AM ] pv
damn. # [ posted @ 1:00:00 AM ] pv
[ posted @ 12:56:00 AM ] pv  Do you give a fuck? I weep for the future. This quiz style was designed by alanna, adapted by Batfish Designs, and created by Missanthropy # |
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