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Thursday, December 5 [ posted @ 9:03:00 AM ] pv dream sequence // approx. 0430-0755, 5 december 2002 : tatto n i talk abt us, n we figure we cant live w o each other....so we work out a compromise, that we d talk to each other cpl times a wk, say id come online to say hi on alotted times agreed upon b4hand.......surprisingly, we r on realy gd terms n it seems he really does want to keep us goin, at least as friends to recap: (for self) re: 2155-approx 0000, 4 december 2002 kiara was totally sensible, making perfect sense..as she said her gdbye...she spoke from her heart, truly n in depth...with no spite watsoever..just truth, feelings, disappointment, sadness..but most of all - love "no i dont regret we met..n im not sorry we embarked upon wat we did...i never not loved u the whole time, n i do still love u.." maturity: "break ups suck..thats y theyre calld breakups..theyre not spposd to b ez..neither r they spposd to feel not shitty n crappy n devastatin...so......yea...i will b fine, im not fine now..but i will b....one day..i gta move on..look ahead...u cant give me wat i want...n i cant give u wat u want...ive never loved neone as much as i love u..n ive never connctd to neone as much nor as deep as i have with u...i still believe in soulmates..n i stil blieve that u r my soulmate...im not all that sad when i tink of this, bcos i know wat i feel abt u n us..n its a beautiful thing...soulmates arent spouses....they dont always, if nethin - they rarely - end up bein together.....n phaps im jst foolin myself, to make this easier on myself...but..at least it empowers me to move on..it gives me hope..it gives me smth to live for....it gives me smth to believe in....i wana live for the future, know that thers smth in life i can look fwd to...... i cud easily ve traind or brainwashd myself to blieve tht u were horrible person, n made myself hate u to the xtent that id b happy that u r out of my life, or even relievd that we ve split up...but im not..bcos i know id b lyin to myself..i know id b doin us an injustice...doin wat i felt for u n still feel for u an unfair injustice..i cant sink that low to achieve some selfish objective...to make this break up easier on me..nah, im stronger than that....n i love us n love u more than that.....i dont hate u or even dislike u for nethin...the arguments we had, the disagreements - to me were part of us, were part of wat made me understand u n love u more...bcos i never loved u for who u were not, nor for the stuff u did or did not do..i loved u n i love u for who u r....even ur imperfections r perfections to me....hate u? no way..i love u...n as i move on...i will never forget u..n i will never leave u...n i will always remember u to b my soulmate, the love of my life.......i will b ok, pls dont worry abt me..." i never not loved u i never stop loving u baby. # [ posted @ 4:03:00 AM ] pv goodbye pc. off i go......into the still of the night enuff blogging for now. if i can help it, that is. im so tired...im so whacked. pooped. drained out..i need to get away from here. # Wednesday, December 4 [ posted @ 11:30:00 AM ] pv shutting down......me, not the pc **cough** my throat is still bothering me.....im now coughin out thick mucus life loves me.......yea. # [ posted @ 11:14:00 AM ] pv its best to not ask the questions of answers u dont wanna know, or answers which u know will only bring u pain. # [ posted @ 11:09:00 AM ] pv yawn. # [ posted @ 10:29:00 AM ] pv 
# [ posted @ 9:49:00 AM ] pv
lol # [ posted @ 9:47:00 AM ] pv Does your weblog own you? [ posted @ 9:43:00 AM ] pv kea (01:51 AM) : sweet wonderful Angel, rest in your dreams, the love that I send you is more than it seems. when you awaken, awaken in peace, and know that I held you while you were asleep. Message was sent. User is Offline. The message will be delivered when user goes Online. # [ posted @ 9:23:00 AM ] pv courtesy of rola - sometimes you just have to learn to let things go. its hard. you let go though. don't dwell on something until it eats you away. try to see people in the now, and what they mean. not by things they've done in the past. i want to remember this, i want to absorb n accept it..n most importantly, i want to live it...... # [ posted @ 5:52:00 AM ] pv here goes this moment will change my life forever. ready. get set. go. # [ posted @ 4:25:00 AM ] pv im signing out. im tired of living. i mite just sleep tonite away. n fuck, please dont wake me up. # [ posted @ 4:23:00 AM ] pv love = life. without love, there is nothing. every fiber of our being, is bcos of love. correction: every fiber of our being is bcos of love. not just 'is' but is. like, we are bcos of love. love is all. # [ posted @ 4:14:00 AM ] pv thank you, rola, for being there. u give me temporary peace of mind. # Tuesday, December 3 [ posted @ 9:42:00 PM ] pv Guest:daniel to killkiara: hi You say to everyone: hi Guest:daniel to killkiara: G?? You say to everyone: stupid question..go away i hate assholes that do the asl shit..n wtf is G? i know it means 'girl'...but wtf is up with that??? stupid illitereate fucks......... # [ posted @ 11:44:00 AM ] pv stupid blogger is fuckin up big time today, some of the changes i made on my template arent showin up......dicks. tis not the first time today either, i swear i changd some codes earlier on durin the day today but. im too tired to bother now....so fuck the stupid layout yawnnnnnnnn. will try to get up in 5 yrs...no, not bcos i ve nethin particularly important to do...but jst coz i dont wana sleep my already useless day n life away. sigh. i need a job. n some serious money...n then i can get out of this place........where i can b alone.i jst want to b alone...just me n my sordid thoughts.....n my 'puter of course. haha. ah shit, i hate me. nite. # [ posted @ 8:41:00 AM ] pv of course i cant call u..of course i shouldnt call u.....i jst need to last one more nite..tonite....n then tomorw another day...n then i gta last that nite too...n then the day after....n the day after that.......one at a time...one day at a time.......i can do this...no i wont let myself go down this downward spiral... not again...goddamn no, i know i gna try so hard to not go down the path i went down cpl mths ago...i wanna not go down there again......sigh....but i miss u like shit... # [ posted @ 8:26:00 AM ] pv i hate this........or mebbe i hate me..sigh...wish i cud call u n wake u up...n we cud talk for a while..a long while actually.....for hrs n hrs n hrs like b4....sigh.....the more i look bk on wat we used to b, the sadder i get, the more i want u to fall in love with me again.....i wanna call u up n talk to u..i miss ur voice...that familiarity.....hearing ur voice is like a call from home..home is where the heart is.....n my heart is with u....my heart is you. # [ posted @ 6:33:00 AM ] pv  What type of underwear would YOU be? Take the quiz! By Lorraine. # [ posted @ 6:28:00 AM ] pv 
[ posted @ 6:13:00 AM ] pv  No! Isn't that awesome? Yay you! You've won the quiz and will be just fine as your tough woman self. # [ posted @ 6:00:00 AM ] pv i thought a lot abt tatto n me today..no, not in that way....i guess its abt time i look at this in a more mature, less selfish light...pahps ive bn dwellin on how me n himve been...without a doubt, its over tween us rite now...i mean sure enuff if he wants to, n if i want to, i really believe we can get over all our issues, talk tings out, n learn to love each other again, the way we used to....but..do we really want that?..wat for?..n for how long?..is it really worth it?...... i guess this is the moment ive been dreadin all year...i never thought itd end this way tho, i always thought things wud come to an automatic halt the v moment a weddin date got fixed....i assumd we d both b totally destroyed, devastated....forced to separate...some way, n somehow, we d let the other go - not coz we want to, or not coz we d fallen out of love w each other, or not even coz hes gonna b married..but rather, there is, never was, never will b a future for us..n that is the reality we both ve to come to terms with..whether we want to or not....it is there..the cards ve been dealt......why r we holdin on to each other? why make it harder for us both to leave each other? the longer we love, the harder it will b to let go......n yes, i have to let him go...n he has to let me go.....one day...n rite now, i tink that day is now.....as much as n as desperately as i want to b loved by him again...what for? n wat nex? if we dont break up now...whether out of choice or not...we will have to, n pretty soon too...since he is marryin in a cpl mnths... i talkd abt him w veni last nite...n yes, as idiotic as i mite ve sounded to her - i told her that i still tink that tatto is my soulmate...there r many many many occasions i can look back on, n say to u now w all my heart n soul...from the deepest depths of me, from my very core - that tatto is my kindred spirit, my soul's mate, the other missing half of me...my partner in life n death n evything in tween...i love him a lot, i always have...i always will...n dare i say, if he wantd to get bk together w me rite now..i wud say yes...n embrace him even more, love him more than i ever have.....bcos my friends, in a perfect world - i wud b with him, just him n me..n little tim, n little tia, n lots of other little ones - our bundles of joy - just us, me n him, our babies, our family...happy, in love, totally loving life n each other, learning, living, loving....being us..being who we were meant to b....we were meant to b together...just not in this life...n not rite now..... i love u very much baby....deep within myself i know that i will never b complete bcos u r not mine..but i love u n always will, for being who u r to me...u r my other half, part of me will always be with u, no matter where u r, no matter who ure with....i will never hurt u..n i will never let my heart part from u....... cinta ku, sayang... # Monday, December 2 [ posted @ 7:02:00 PM ] pv to tatto, i still wish things were like b4...i miss u lots hello my friend we meet again its been a while, where should we begin feels like forever wtihin our hearts our memoreis a perfect love u gave to me oh i remember when u r with me im free im careless i believe above all the others we ll fly so high which brings tears to my eyes my sacrifice we ve seen our shares of ups n downs oh how quickly life can turn around in an instant it feels so good to reunite wthin urself n within ur mind n we feel alive lets find peace there coz when u r with me im free im careless i believe above all the others we ll fly so high which brings tears to my eyes my sacrifice i jst want to say hello again i just want to say hello again when u r with me im free im careless i believe above all the others we ll fly so high this brings tears to my eyes my eyes coz when u r with me im free im careless i believe above all the others we ll fly which brings tears to my eyes my sacrifice my sacrifice i just want to say hello again i just want to say hello again my sacrifice my sacrifice -creed # [ posted @ 1:05:00 PM ] pv as u can c, i hardly did ne bloggin today....put my time to gd use again tonite, yay!...cleand out more stuff here in my rm, like throw out crap n keep n organize stuff worth keepin..n yikes, my bkmarks here on my pc r a complete mess so i had to go to each link then either del em or sort em out into folders...ugh, still not yet done im off to bed now, not coz im sleepy or shit but coz my bk is fuckin hurting....i figure i gta update my homepage but fuckin tripod is still fuckin up so i dunno wat to do abt that...thought of gettin a new host but tis too much trouble neway i survived yet nother day, n for tht i m thankful..jst one day at a time..one day at a time...... nitenite. # [ posted @ 6:22:00 AM ] pv  A different quiz, what strange type of person are you? You're a warrior! Brave and loyal, no one messes with you and gets away with it! Whenever your friends are being hurt, you're in there, kicking butt! brought to you by Quizilla # [ posted @ 5:49:00 AM ] pv jglutl,fyrdujd # [ posted @ 5:23:00 AM ] pv  Take the quiz here! # [ posted @ 5:15:00 AM ] pv i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him...........fuck u cant blieve it....hes got me round his lil finger AGAIN. # Sunday, December 1 [ posted @ 9:48:00 PM ] pv one of biggest threats facing humankind today. i . 3 million dead in 2001 (8000 a day) . 1 in 5 people in africa inflicted w/it . in other african countries, the rate is 50% . there is still no cure how much thought do ppl give to havin casual sex?...puttin things into perspective, its the poorest nations on earth who dont have the knowledge abt safe sex n stds so they cant b blamed for their ignorance of the disease...yet ppl in the more civilized places, i dont quite understand how they can underestimate the gravity of the illness, i mean its literally a death sentence is it not... # [ posted @ 9:19:00 PM ] pv shit, my outlook is down # [ posted @ 8:44:00 PM ] pv this made me cringe..how the fuck is this science...bloody disfiguring the body form of an animal...growing choppd off body parts of one animal on another animals body..wtf.....i hope these socalled fuckin scientists have it bad come judgment day.. The experiment consisted of the team surgically removing the head of a 12-day-old rat and connecting its blood vessels to those in the thigh of the adult. The brain grew and the baby's mouth even moved as if trying to drink milk, they said. # [ posted @ 8:24:00 PM ] pv Here Is Gone - goo goo dolls You and I got something But it all and then it nothing to me, yeah And I got my defenses When it comes to your intentions for me, yeah And we wake up in the breakdown Of the things we never thought we could be, yeah Im not the one who broke you Im not the one you should fear What do you got to move you darlin I thought I lost you somewhere But you were never really ever there at all And I, want to get free, talk to me I can feel you falling And I, wanted to be, all you need Somehow here is gone I am no solution To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah And I was not the answer So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah Im not the one who broke you Im not the one you should fear What do you got to move you darlin I thought I lost you somewhere But you were never really ever there at all And I, want to get free, talk to me I can feel you falling And I, wanted to be, all you need Somehow here is gone And I dont need the fallout Of all the past that in between us And Im not holding on And all your lies were enough to keep me here And I, want to get free, talk to me I can feel you falling And I, wanted to be, all you need Somehow here is gone And I, want to get free, talk to me I can feel you falling I know its out there, I know its out there I can feel you falling I know its out there, I know its out there Somehow here is gone, yeah I know its out there, I know its out there Somehow here is gone, yeah # [ posted @ 8:17:00 PM ] pv theres smth wrong w/ my throat...feels weird in there n i taste some yucky bitterness..like ive jst taken some meds n theyre lodged in there..n my voice is kinda hoarse i feel sad..the whole thought tht hes off this wk to indo w/her....i woke up n thts the first n only ting i thought of...bloody against my will too - i dont want to fuckin remember wat he said last nite....its just too much to bear n i want to ask ask ask....all these qstns in my head wantin to make emselves heard....but wat for? wat good will that do? im jst gna hate myself..possibly hate him...more....godammit, i dont need this rite now....not rite now, when xmas is jst round the bend...evy fuckin minute im tinkin of them.....i dont want to b miserable come xmas...wat more if i still hvent heard frm roque....start the new yr w/sad n hurt n angry tears...i dont want that....this feelin of uselessness... # [ posted @ 1:06:00 PM ] pv kea (05:05 AM) : goodnitey Message was sent. User is Offline. The message will be delivered when user goes Online. goes for all ya too im proud of myself..in the midst of my restlessness n on the verge of yet nother mental breakdown - i managed to put my excess energy to good use: cleaned out one of my drawers of my pc desk, emptied 2 big cartons n - miraculously enuff - found storage room for the stuff, threw out 2 big bags of 'rubbish' (ie once highly cherishd stuff, kept for sentimental reasons)...yawnnnnn pretty dang constructive ey. i will look at pics of roque n moi as i crash in bed now..n dread yet the start of a new day thts abt to unfold in abt 4 hrs....sigh..... # [ posted @ 11:55:00 AM ] pv oh fuck, this quote absolutely rocks "Love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can't live without. Someone you fall head over heels for. Find someone you can love like crazy, and will love you the same way back. Listen to your heart. No sense in life without this. To make the journey without fallin deeply in love, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try, because if you haven't tried, then you haven't really lived." - from the movie, MEET JOE BLACK # [ posted @ 11:26:00 AM ] pv "Since they have grown up outside their ethnic environment as children, many go through a sense of cultural awakening at some point in their life when their dominant racial identity finally emerges in what was once an amalgam of two distinct cultures. "When I went to college in the Philippines, that's when I realized what being a Filipino means," he said. "Masarap pala ang feeling." cudnt ve said it better myself. its a great feelin, havin this bond of kinship w/ the ppl ure with...i do want to learn the tag lingo but its jst so hard...plus no one reallys pushin me to, or even encouragin me...so theres no real opportunity for me to speak it, altho i hear it evyday whn my folks speak to each other in tag...veni tries to incorporate tag jargon when we re together, but its rather futile bcos i do understand tag, i jst find speakin it impossible..altho i try...it jst comes out all wrong..its frustratin to some xtent bcos i know id immediately understand if smth is said to me, but if i want to say the exact same thing, im speechless..i jst dont hve a single clue how to go abt it..n when i reed smth in tag, i actualy gta reed it out loud b4 i understand..it jst doenst register when i dont reed out loud..does all this make sense? speakin of which..rememberin how roque usd to scold or yell at me in tag...was so cute....hehehehe......i tink he wud get confusd from time to time when we re together, as to whether he shud speak to me in tag or in engl tho...i tink he doesnt even c me as a fil actually....i remm once whn i was with two of his friends, n they dint know that i was fil..they heard roque speakin to me in engl n they went "ooooh westerner sha hah"..i felt so weird....phaps roque sees me as a non-fil...hmm but i def feel more at home when hes with his friends n they speak in tag..altho im not really included in the conversatns, i feel part of the gang...part of them...altho sadly, i dont tink nebody sees me as fil..... blah. # [ posted @ 10:47:00 AM ] pv stole this frm someones blog What PMS stands for: 1. Pass my shotgun 2. Psychotic mood shift 3. Perpetual munching spree 4. Puffy midsection 5. People make me sick 6. Provide me with sweets 7. Pardon my sobbing 8. Pimples may surface 9. Pass my sweatpants 10. Pissy mood syndrom 11. Plainly: men suck 12. Pack my stuff 13. Permanent menstrual syndrom 14. Problems men start 15. Potential murder suspect # [ posted @ 10:25:00 AM ] pv " Every place you land in life has a reason and a lesson " ~ Tori Amos # [ posted @ 10:19:00 AM ] pv i tink i need to divert my attention....beginnin to feel really restless......shit shit shit. # [ posted @ 10:17:00 AM ] pv reeling frm wat tattos jst told me - hes off to indo w/her n tim...i reckon to deal w her soon to b ex, or close her affairs there - her house, mebbe stake out potential wedding places, tink hes also gna meet her fam...uknow.....also have lots of sex w/each other obviously. i swear to god, this xmas its gonna suck big time for me. i can foresee myself tumbling down nother pitch-black, deep PIT...into the realms of the unknown. god forbid, i can alreadi feel the restlessness settin in...... n i was ok today. all day i was ok. he really does have a knack for upsetting me..of course i did not react openly when he told me. but of course he could/can sense that i am/was upset at the news. hmm *sigh* # |
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