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Saturday, December 21 [ posted @ 10:53:00 PM ] pv do u want to ask him if he still loves u? do u want to hear him say no? will u move on? or will u fall apart? i think im 50-50. 50% of me says ill move on. the other 50% thinks ill falter. the risk is just too much, w/xmas around the corner. i dont want to feel this way at xmas. so mebe ill jst move on w/my life n not confront him, or not have nethin to do w/him. this hurts so much... # [ posted @ 9:36:00 PM ] pv i wonder if, if left to their own devices n there r no legal consequences or ramifications or watever - would ppl really hurt each other n cause each other willful pain? sometimes i want to test out this theory, n just let myself to be laid out on the table - my feelings, emotions, no barriers. or will good come to me? ppl r full of hype. we have our natural defence systems which prevent or avoid total disclosure, to allow ourselves some degree of self protection, to protect our fragile feelings or egos. we tell white lies, or big lies. we dont show the whole picture..of course the main idea here is we spare ourselves the emotional trauma, just in case ppl use us to their adv n consequently, hurt us... r human beings naturally predisposed of a caringness towards fellow human being, since arguably, we r the only animals with the ability to judge morally? i wont say that we r morally superior to ne other species, bcos i know evil ppl do exist out there - history n the world is filled w/evilness n ungoodness, ppl having hurt n destroyed with full knowledge n even worse, full intention to cause that hurt. so do we tell john donne when he said "no man is an island, no man lives alone, each man as his brother, each man as his home" to stuff it in his behind? i dont think we show our true selves to neone on this planet, bcos we r afraid to b vulnerable. we r afraid to leave our emotional state in the hands of ppl. we want to b in control..we want to feel safe. we dont trust each other...n rightly so. opportunity to hurt n cause disarry abound, every minute we make decisions, we take action, n evy minute we hve the potential to hurt someones feelings. n i tink given the chance, we do hurt, wantingly. n we all know this, so we r always on guard. take me n my best friend eg. shes the person i trust most, w my feelings, my safety, my well being...i confide in her n she knows almost evything abt me. note the world almost. im afraid to show her my true self primarily bcos im afraid she will b disappointed when she finds out abt my many many imperfections. oddly enuff, i dont doubt her intentions n i dont suppose she will ever hurt me, at least not intentionally. or mebbe she hasnt hurt me yet, ever..nother concern is draggin her thru the mud w/my many many probs, my petty shit, my not so petty shit...im talkin abt her well being too. to involve urself emotionally w/someone is to allow urself to b hurt when they r hurt, to b in pain when they r in pain (another qstn: r ppl just born w/ a sense of empathy or is it a gift?)..i guess ive strayed from the main topic here, wat im tryin to say is, we r never our real selves when ppl r around, out of insecurity, fear, mistrust of other ppl. so we all r in fact, predisposed w the notion that ppl, at least by default, r innately bad persons. while we re on the subject, check this out, this is exactly wat i mean Guest:guest to Guest:r: what are you waiting for You say to Guest:guest: nobody You say to Guest:guest: just wishin evyone i c a merry xmas You say to Guest:guest: so a merry xmas to u Guest:guest to Guest:r: thank, you like lonely in a webside You say to Guest:guest: yes i m but thats ok You say to Guest:guest: so hope all gd things come to u n ur loved ones in 2003 You say to Guest:guest: u dont hve to stay, i know ure jst curious as to whos here Guest:guest to Guest:r: yes, just keep silence in watching someone. Guest:guest to Guest:r: are you a worker in this website? You say to Guest:guest: no You say to Guest:guest: just chillin out on my own You say to Guest:guest: im not bein quiet..look im chattin w u Guest:guest to Guest:r: you like to talk with everyone without a major subject You say to Guest:guest: well since its xmas n all, i jst tend to wish evyone a happy xmas regardless of who they r You say to Guest:guest: spread the goodwill i guess Guest:guest to Guest:r: waste time is your hobby? You say to Guest:guest: if u say so, then so b it Guest:guest to Guest:r: what a pitty you are You say to Guest:guest: thats ok You say to Guest:guest: well u take care n b well Guest:guest to Guest:r: I think you are cracy You say to Guest:guest: hmm watever u say Guest:guest to Guest:r: is it the reason why you are no friend in real world You say to Guest:guest: hmm alright, not pushin u to stay You say to Guest:guest: uhuh Guest:guest to Guest:r: of course, are you angry now You say to Guest:guest: no im not You say to Guest:guest: hehe y wud i b so i said nothin to offend this person, n this is wat i get... note i answered promptly n politely, n i even let him/her have their say, no argument or watever. it finally ended with Guest:guest to Guest:r: you win. I leave now. I can not tolerate you Guest:guest has exited the chat room. nother guinea pig: You say to Guest:3.: hi, a merry xmas to u Guest:3. to Guest:r: merry xmas You say to Guest:3.: thank u Guest:3. to Guest:r: r u ill stay in here? You say to Guest:3.: sorry i dint understand ur qstn Guest:3. to Guest:r: then forget it.. You say to Guest:3.: ok but wat do ppl get out of bein mean to each other? i know this opens nother can of ugly worms, but r we so attn dprived we cause pain to others just to draw attn to ourselves? impose upon ourselves some fake sense of self importance bcos we caused or brought abt pain to someone? i hate to tink that human beings r evil at heart, i mean if even anne frank at the throes of persecution n possible death blieved that ppl r good at heart, then there must b a logical reason as to why ppl hurt each other w intent. im not a hateful or a vile person. i cant even stand the sight of blood, well other ppls blood at least. i wud hurt myself b4 ne other person in fact. out of hate? hmmm i dont tink ive ever hated nebody to the point of wantin to willfully cause pain to that person..rant n rave n bitch n cuss, yes...but actualy lay a hand on that person? not likely.... sometimes i get so disillusioned i just let ppl ve their way n allow myself to b used. used for their pleasure, used for my pain bringing them some joy...i dont know wat fuels me to want to b good to ppl, even in the full knowledge that that person wont appreciate it, or even worse - that person will use that to his/her adv n eventually hurt me. i spse it brings me some comfort that i know tht i hve a good heart n even if someone were to hurt me intentionally, at least i know im not a spiteful person. mebe its knowin that i dont stoop down to that level, which makes me feel ok abt being good to evyone i meet, watever the consequences. mebe i c the oppressor as the true ppl who need to b saved, n the oppressed as the ultimate heroes. (my, that sounds quite arrogant)..but m i waging a losing war? is this a lost cause? wat makes this even more complicatd is, at least for me - when ppl hurt me enuff n i wana distance myself from that person bcos its hurt too much...then i feel bad abt havin to do that. i feel guilty for bein forced to not b there for that person. it goes against my nature to not help, not b supportive, not b kind to ppl. take the eg of tatto...im not stupid n i know he takes me for granted (likely - n hopefully - he does not do this on purpose) - so when he falters n comes to me for support, im there within nanoseconds. n then hes ok again, n he treats me like the dirt bhind his toilet seat...i mean dont get me wrong - i dont xpect nethin in return, but i guess i dont expect to b mistreated so badly esp after ive helped someone either..ppl xpect me to come thru for them when they need me, n i always make myself available..n i continue to do so, in spite of bein hurt over n over...i mean i feel so battered n beaten up by tatto, but i still wana b there for him. of course its bcos i love him still. but mind u, i never throw myself at his feet when i know he doenst need me. if that were the case id b in his face 24/7, bcos i do need him n love him like nething n evy second away from him hurts..but i wont allow myself to do that, bcos i know when im not needed. like 2 wks ago i was devastated when he left town w the woman hes abt to marry, this was their first vacation ever. which means tatto has finally acceptd reality, n is ready to walk down the aisle w/this woman. neway words cannot even describe how totally destroyed i was, from the time he told me abt the trip, till the day he left town..breakdowns at work, in the street, feeling so helpless, suicidal, feelin so out of control, so desperate, so needy. i did get thru, one second at a time....n b4 long, id gathered up the courage to tell myself that i had to say gdbye to tatto for good, bcos it was really destroying me: my health, my relationship w my family, it was affectin my job, my state of mind. my life was degenerating, bit by bit. but he rings me while he is on vacation with her ("no worries, she is sleeping" is wat he said) - for a chat, apprently he was missing me. nother time after havin not called me for wks on end, he rings me up frm outta the blue one day, on the brink of phy n mental collapse bcos of stress from work. i pull thru for him, n even scrap my original plans jst to b w him, as he askd me to. when he is composed n calm again, voila i dont exist nemore. actually he ignored me, as he continued to work....it hurt like nething but i let things b. whoa as i write this i m startin to cry again. i dont know what it is i want from him. i tell myself over n over to let him go for good...n its so hard to, but even when i do decide to let him go n im in the process of pickin up the pieces in my life again...he pops up n the momentum is broken, n my heart breaks all over again. at this point, my heart has been shattered n mended 100 times, i feel the strain n it taking its toll on me. but at the same time i want to b there for him. i need to take a walk now. as for xmas plans - ive decided to spend it alone here, in my room. probably crying (i dont mean this in a pathetic, self pity sort of way)..i tink if im gna b depressed n lonely n feelin like utter shit, then i may as well b alone, away from evyone. more abt this later. # [ posted @ 11:51:00 AM ] pv so todays bn a veryyyy long day, dont ask me y im still up altho i fell asleep at work today..my boss was q startld to c me snoozin, esp since id offerd to help her w/some typin work haha..she turnd ard to give me the stuff but i was already fast asleep i made it thru today n im so proud of myself..its realy hard to tame the restlessness that takes over ur mind, its fuckin insane somtimes..its like u r itchin to do smth but u jst cant n ur minds on overdrive n ure thinkin n thinkin n thinkin until ur brain implodes n u jst drown urself indulgin in some shit like tv or music jst so ur mind doenst wander off..... im yawnin now, i love sundays coz its the only day i get to sleep in but tomrow i gta b up early to run to the post office to mail my xmas cards...sigh.....i ve a v bad feelin tht the nex cpl days is gna suck dick, esp xmas day whn il b alone n unwantd n unneeded..but wats new...i ws jokin to my gf that i mite od on sleepin pills on xmas, so i dont gta b awake to feel shitty n miserable, seein evyone w someone n me, alone n lonely in my rm..i tink ill b watchin tv come xmas time, at worst ill b in my rm crying like the loser i m i cant wait for payday...i wana get a tattoo real soon. peace on earth n love to all mankind. # Friday, December 20 [ posted @ 10:12:00 PM ] pv the porn hes so addicted to, his useless and cowardly excuses whenever he fucks up, how he expects u to come thru for him but when u need him hes not only nowhere to b found but he runs to the hills, hes snobby his baseless and made-up and preposterous "im so good to you but u all screw me over" claims, the way he thinks hes saving the world with his money when in fact hes just buying his way through, how he believes hes saving the world with his "im so generous" ways but in reality hes the most selfish person in the world, how hes destroyed n totally devastated four lives - mine, henrys, tims, tessas (at last count) bcos of his superiority complex (but he thinks hes done us all a favor, n he plays the victim!!) heres a secret though, none of his money is his coz all of its from his rich daddy who still powders his fat ass when he goes poo poo bcos hes a little boy who will never grow up, n with a dick so infested no one but his own daddys willing to come even within 5 feet of the stenchy asshole. fuck you tatto. # [ posted @ 4:48:00 PM ] pv things to bear in mind: the nouveau riche attitude, the ARROGANCE, strip bars, LIES LIES and MORE LIES, his selfishness, the many times he intentionally set out to hurt you, the thailand trip n what he did there, his MONEY, his dishonesty, his obsession with MONEY n power, his warped way of thinking that u can BUY ur way with neone netime n newhere, his ARROGANCE, his me me me attitude, the way he takes everything n everyone for granted, the way he USES people n their generosity, his LIES, his affair with that bitch, how he cares about everyone n evything in this world except you bcos he xpects u to b sittin there waitin for him no matter what, his disloyalty (list to b continued.....im late for work) I HATE U TATTO. # [ posted @ 4:43:00 PM ] pv its not supposed to hurt this way u just let him hurt u this way u dont need this. stop letting him walk all over you like some stupid doormat. # [ posted @ 12:30:00 PM ] pv shit day shit nite gta b up in 3 1/2 hrs. damn damn damnnnnnnnnnnnnn # [ posted @ 4:02:00 AM ] pv had nother mental breakdown today right now i feel the same way, n im gna find someone to get stoned with tonite on nother note, why is it we females have to find validation and recognition, even self worth from men? i dont know if to hold back the tears, or vent out in frustration to the person whos doing this to me. im done being supportive, meek. hes walking all over me, and continues to do so, with my permission. this is so not right. something is not right when hes the one who fucks up over n over again, n its me who cries n breaks down. he leaves me but i beg him to stay. he hurts me but im the one who apologizes. so something is not right here. i find myself wanting to escape from all the pain thats filling me up inside, the tears well up n i try so hard to keep my sanity, my composure. everything is a blur, i dont see faces. i dont hear voices, i just hear noise. i want to stop myself from feeling, from thinking. i just want to be a completely different person. i dont like me. i hate me. im damaged goods. i miss the carefree life i used to have before all this stuff. i used to smile a lot. i was bright, intelligent. full of vigor...now im just pathetic. a loser with no real job. a doormat. an emotional basket. a nutcase. a weepy freak. i cry so much. sometimes nothing happens and i still cry. i have no real friends. the only friend i have im afraid to show my real self too. bcos she will hate me. so i try to get by on my own. the tears flow, the music takes over my mind. my body aches from waiting to be saved, rescued from the wreckage of my emotional state. i ache. literally. its my heart aching. i feel it in pain. im numb from all the hurt. my head hurts. my eyes go teary at any moment of silence. i try to block any thought from entering my mind. i try to not think. i have no soul. its died. everything about me is dead. i just live for tomorrow. for my parents. i wish i had nobody. then all this wud be over. but why do i have to live this way. i want disappear and die off. nobody will know. i entered this world unwanted, i live in self hate n misery. cant i just die forgotten, unknown? # Thursday, December 19 [ posted @ 8:26:00 PM ] pv now listening to send me to sleep the perfect track to kill urself to hahaha # [ posted @ 8:15:00 PM ] pv Numb - u2 Don't move Don't talk out of time Don't think Don't worry Everything's just fine Just fine Don't grab Don't clutch Don't hope for too much Don't breathe Don't achieve Or grieve without leave Don't check Just balance on the fence Don't answer Don't ask Don't try and make sense Don't whisper Don't talk Don't run if you can walk Don't cheat, compete Don't miss the one beat Don't travel by train Don't eat Don't spill Don't piss in the drain Don't make a will Don't fill out any forms Don't compensate Don't cower Don't crawl Don't come around late Don't hover at the gate Don't take it on board Don't fall on your sword Just play another chord If you feel you're getting bored (I feel numb I feel numb Too much is not enough I feel numb) Don't change your brand Don't listen to the band Don't gape Don't ape Don't change your shape Have another grape (Gimme what you got) (Gimme what I don't get) (Gimme some more) (Too much is not enough I feel numb I feel numb Gimme some more A piece of me, baby I feel numb) Don't plead Don't bridle Don't shackle Don't grind Don't curve Don't swerve Lie, die, serve Don't theorize, realise, polarise Glance, dance,dismiss, apologise (Gimme some more) (I feel numb Gimme some more I feel numb Gimme what you got) (Gimme what I don't get Gimme what you got Too much is not enough) Don't spy Don't lie Don't try Imply Detain Explain (I feel numb) Start again Don't triumph Don't coax Don't cling Don't hoax Don't freak Peak Don't leak (I feel numb I feel numb) Don't speak Don't project Don't connect Protect Don't expect Suggest (I feel numb I feel numb) (I feel numb) Don't project Don't connect Protect Don't expect Suggest (I feel numb) Don't struggle Don't jerk Don't collar Don't work Don't wish Don't fish Don't teach Don't reach (I feel numb) Don't borrow Don't break Don't fence Don't steal Don't pass Don't press Don't try Don't feel (Too much is not enough I feel numb) (Gimme some more) Don't touch Don't dive Don't suffer Don't rhyme Don't fantasize Don't rise Don't lie ( I feel numb) Don't project Don't connect Protect Don't expect Suggest ( I feel numb) Don't project Don't connect Protect Don't expect Suggest (I feel numb) I feel numb # [ posted @ 10:08:00 AM ] pv FUCK I FAILED N I FAILED MISERABLY. FUCK ME. IM THE MOST STUPID PERSON IN THE WORLD. i just beg to be hurt, dont i?? i HATE me. i so HATE me. # [ posted @ 8:35:00 AM ] pv i tink i will try to hold on to my sanity tonite, at least until i zzZzz...so that means NO icq, NO sms with/to/from tatto. ok here goes...im gna keep burnin my stuff, im almost done i guess...mebe ill read my mail, n catch up on readin other ppls blogs...im gna do this..jst rid myself of this control tatto seems to have over me..while in the shower i was talkin out loud to myself, peppin up..tellin myself why i shud not initiate contact today or tomorw - esp after what happ last nite, which was utter shit for me..my whole day today went shit coza last nite..bcos he stuffed up, not me, altho he claimed innocense all day today. of course it was me who rang him in a stupid, pathetic attempt to work things out. blah. he ended up hatin me bcos i 'ruined' his day by soundin/dpressed on the fone. bcos, of course - he had a wonderful day today. of course he thought nothing of wat happ last nite. in fact, he accused me of messin up last nite...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr unbelievable. this has been a stupid, meaningless rant. me = idiot. # [ posted @ 2:48:00 AM ] pv hooray..today i had a nervous breakdown at work n i started to cry..wheeeeeeeeeeeee ive just arrived n will now pig out n drink, drink n drink. yay! # Wednesday, December 18 [ posted @ 9:04:00 PM ] pv i feel alone, n evyone i see n meet hates me. i scream inside but nobody hears me. theyre too happy. i talk to myself, sing to myself, comfort myself. its pathetic but theres nothing else i can do i want to run away, far far far away from evyone. then just die in peace. without nebody knowing. how is it selfish to want to disappear from this world, when living evy minute hurts n kills u inside. i mite burst into tears any moment now. think i will go for a walk. i need a hug. but theres nobody to hug. i want to fall asleep listening to superman n never wake up. # [ posted @ 8:59:00 PM ] pv on the way home just now a guy was walkin towards me, n smiled n looked like he was gna stop for a chat (it helps to wear ur slut outfit sometimes)...i jst walked on, but dang it felt good to b acknowledged for once its odd how chance incidents like this esp ones involvin complete strangers, can make u smile, n make ur day a little less shitty so whoever u r - thank u # [ posted @ 11:03:00 AM ] pv i did quite a lot of burning today...hopefully by this sunday bro can come here n fix my pc, n get my damn outlook runnin..i really need my addie book, shit i oh yay, tatto smsed me. sec # Tuesday, December 17 [ posted @ 9:55:00 PM ] pv there i gave in. i called him. n he was terrific. made me laugh n giggle n smile.. damn, i miss all this..i miss everything about us. off to work. hugs for tatto. # [ posted @ 8:37:00 PM ] pv hes doin it to me again. hes made me pine for him....idiot me. im waiting for his call. stupid stupid me...i said to myself over n over NO EXPECTATIONS. but shit, why m i waiting for him to ring...n obviously he wont ring, n now im hurt...obviously this was his plan. n i was doing so well last wk when he was away.....i have to keep my mind bz again..i have to find stuff to do. i have to stop doing this. driving me up the wall. # [ posted @ 8:28:00 PM ] pv when you're here back someday falling down psyche rocket ship walk this way if and only if vespers all tied down and the #1 chartbuster, crude jude by rogue from the album this life 1997 feed me records # [ posted @ 8:20:00 PM ] pv amen. The Scientist -coldplay Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you Tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart Tell me your secrets And ask me your questions Oh let's go back to the start Running in circles Coming in tales Heads are a science apart Nobody said it was easy It's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be this hard Oh take me back to the start I was just guessing At numbers and figures Pulling your puzzles apart Questions of science Science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart Tell me you love me Come back and hold me Oh and I rush to the start Running in circles Chasing tails And coming back as we are Nobody said it was easy Oh it's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm going back to the start # [ posted @ 8:19:00 PM ] pv There Is - box car racer This vacation's useless These white pills aren't kind I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9 And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have The days have come and gone Our lives went by so fast I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor Where i laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more Do you care if I don't know what to say? Will you sleep tonight Will you think of me? Will I shake this off pretend its all okay? That there's someone out there who feels just like me... There is Those notes you wrote me I've kept them all I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall with every single letter, in every single word there will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl Do you care if I don't know what to say? Will you sleep tonight Will you think of me? Will I shake this off pretend its all okay? That there's someone out there who feels just like me... There is Do you care if I don't know what to say? Will you sleep tonight Will you think of me? Will I shake this off pretend its all okay? That there's someone out there who feels just like me... Do you care if I don't know what to say? Will you sleep tonight Will you think of me? Will I shake this off pretend its all okay? That there's someone out there who feels just like me... There is # [ posted @ 11:01:00 AM ] pv click # [ posted @ 10:58:00 AM ] pv day 37: 117 # [ posted @ 10:30:00 AM ] pv this is from my gifted friend rola's blog # [ posted @ 8:01:00 AM ] pv 
#[ posted @ 7:46:00 AM ] pv  What's Your Sad Song? brought to you by Quizilla # [ posted @ 7:13:00 AM ] pv  -~Which SUNSET are you? (v.2)~- You are not a sunset. You can't remember the last time you saw the sun. The sun is evil. You relate with the moon on a deeply profound level. That, or you're just a text-book hermit. You're self concious- but you needn't be. You are actually strikingly attractive. You would never even want to be a sunset anyway, and you don't know why you took this test in the first place. Sunsets might be overrated, but at least you can feel good by the fact that you're constant. A sunset is so flippant and noncommital. You are an individual, and proud of it. brought to you by Quizilla # Monday, December 16 [ posted @ 10:29:00 PM ] pv i feel depressed..not kidding. feel like im sinking down some hole again. can feel it coming.....sigh............this is not healthy at all. stephen read my palm last week, n not knowing nething abt me or my life, he said, "let him go....move on.." he also said that i was destroying myself by staying where i was, n i needed to leave the past behind, n live for today n the future. scared the shit out of me. i hadnt told him nethin abt me or tatto or my life. his words still ring in my ears "believe me, u have to move on, or u will suffer" # [ posted @ 9:04:00 PM ] pv in the meantime, my outlook is still dead n since all my friends addies r stored there, i havent even started on writing/sending my xmas cards....bugger!!!! # [ posted @ 8:53:00 PM ] pv its obvious im still not over him. i thought i was.... so now i gta hand him all the stuff ive bought for him but never got the opp to give...sorta hurts lookin at them...knowin when i bought them for him i was so filled w/love for him, as well as being filled w/his love...we were deliriously happy, deliriously in love....but stupid me, dint get the chance to give him all the stuff n now that we ve split up, it feels weird packing them up...it hurts as well...it wudnt b right to not give them to him i think, after all they r his..n the time i bought them, i wanted him to have them..i still want him to have them now..altho i know it will b different when he receives them....i hate regrets..i hate missed opportunites...lost chances...i wudve loved for him to b happy n feel the love i had/have for him when i bought them upon his receiving them..give me a hug...watever....n now..he ll just probly chuck em aside, possibly trash them in the end.... mebe this was a bad idea, gettin bk in touch w/him...i dont know, im just so happy when we talk....i thought i could handle this..but i also know i was better last wk than now, last wk when he was out of town n we had nil contact..... perhaps today i will consider not being around again.... but when will i get over him? when will i b ok?..or....wat if i dont want to b over him? i tink im not prepared to let him go.... # [ posted @ 12:19:00 PM ] pv no poes - remember that, kiara :( i hate this...but i always do this to myself. i dont know why....loving him = hurting myself. how does this make sense?? sigh....will crash in bed. will try to get up in 5 hrs to go to the spca for babyjinn. jinn - the only one whose love hasnt wavered a bit, ever. my life, my world. my beautiful baby. i can look into her eyes n cry bcos i know i wud give up my life for her. i love her more now. quite coincidentally, im listening to "habang may buhay" as we speak. # [ posted @ 12:13:00 PM ] pv tatto (11:18 PM) : wei kea (11:18 PM) : hmmm kea (11:20 PM) : its only bcos im still into u i get this way when u mention other females uknow tatto (11:21 PM) : uhuh # [ posted @ 11:29:00 AM ] pv "Don't curse the darkness - light a candle." ~Chinese Proverb # [ posted @ 11:28:00 AM ] pv note to self: 1) 2) 3) buy cdrs 4) xmas wrapping paper 5) drop by gift store for tatt's pressie # [ posted @ 11:20:00 AM ] pv Sheep by W.H Davies - a tramp (1916) When I was once in Baltimore, A man came up to me and cried, "Come, I have eighteen hundred sheep, And we sail on Tuesday's tide". 'If you will sail with me, young man, I'll pay you fifty shillings down; These eighteen hundred sheep I take From Baltimore to Glasgow town." He paid me fifty shillings down, I sailed with eighteen hundred sheep; We soon had cleared the harbour's mouth, We soon were in the salt sea deep. The first night we were out at sea, Those sheep were quiet in their mind; The second night they cried with fear - They smelt no pastures in the wind. They sniffed, poor things, for their green fields, They cried so loud I could not sleep: For fifty thousand shillings down I would not sail again with sheep. # [ posted @ 7:06:00 AM ] pv fuck tripod. fuck blogger. # [ posted @ 6:58:00 AM ] pv my template is all fucked up now, i dont know why # Sunday, December 15 [ posted @ 9:15:00 PM ] pv last nite n the nite before i went out for dinner w/ a co-worker - a rather old man, say in his 50s..a very nice, good, decent person. he's buddhist, n buddism very much plays a crucial role in his life, n all his decisions. every little thing. now..dare i say that in the past ive dabbled in buddhism (i m a roman catholic by birth), once i even thought of converting...not that id lost faith in cathechism but rather many tenets in the buddhist faith had appealed to me..n neway, the way my lifestyle was n the way i thought - i cudve easily been considered buddhist already, had u not known i was catholic. i dint go v far w/ my planned conversion bcos i got frustrated by mainly the sutras, which i found difficult n arduous to read/understand. plus i dint know neone who was buddhist then, n i know i needed someone to help me really grasp what buddhism was all about. so i met stephen for the first time last saturday..we clicked from square one, n we dint really talk abt religion or our faith or watever. i tink theres smth abt buddhists - their calmness, their decency n goodness - u can see all this from their face, their appearance. i told him i was vegan, altho not for religious reasons, but for AL/AR reasons. as we got talkin further, i found out that in fact, he did eat egg altho strictly speakin, buddhists arent supposed to. hehe so the two times we had dinner, n the countless conversations we had abt the meanin of life n basically life in general - im astounded by the truth of his words. he did not shove nethin down my throat, neither did he preach...he used really simple analogies, n then applied them onto daily life. evything made sense, n i did not question nething, bcos i understood. i dont want to compare the diffrent type of religions out there, bcos that is a no-win situation. all religions r beautiful, bcos it allows for the belief in a higher power, a non-rational reason for evything, the existence of a entity we cannot see, or smell, or prove. i love my god, n esp this yr ive had a renewal of faith bcos of what ive been thru the past 2 yrs. i respect, trust n believe. in the past, ive even tinkered w/satan worship, a serious, stupid, horrible, shameful thing. but that was then. i know religion is not to be understood, after all that is the very value n purpose of it - faith in something w/no scientific basis. but how do u live a certain way when u cannot or do not understand why? how do u think a certain way if u dont understand why u r spposed to think that way? i dont believe that religion is merely smth u bother w/ at certain times of the wk, or at certain points in ur life or whatever. its not a rite, or ritual. its a way of life, as in everyday, at every minute. n its not an imposed way of life, its a principle. a part of who u are, how u act, how u tink, how u treat ppl. no doubt i wud like to know more abt buddhism, bcos i now have someone i can consider to b my mentor (or i tink the more proper term is master). i can easily read up on buddhism from books, from the internet, or even simply adhere to the four tenets of buddhism..but i know i want n need smth more. phaps someone to look up to, someone who can guide me, talk to me, learn from. im not relinquishing my catholic faith, nor do i intend to...but if my belief system, my moral values, my principles r further strenghtened, if i know i can b a better person bcos of certain things which just happen to stem from the buddhist faith - then i have no problem in integrating these mores into my person, my thoughts, my core. i have found so much peace n hope in religion: in the church, in the buddhist deities i have in my room, in evalangical books i buy n read, the rosary i have n sometimes carry w/me. i know i come off sounding confused, or unsure abt my faith. i just dont want to pin myself down on ne specific type of religion, bcos that wud b a lie to myself, a lie to god..i dont pretend to understand or even accept everything abt the catholic faith, or buddhism, or watever. im just tryin to achieve, or find a way to, inner peace n contentment, w/clarity in mind, goodness in my actions n purity in my heart (boy, that sounded corny.)..n whether i bcome a more decent, wholesome person bcos i believe in a tenet from the buddhist, or catholic, or hindu, or muslim, or jewish scripture, i personally am not much troubled by, as long as it does not cause inner disarray, confusion, or dissatisfaction, or questioning. # [ posted @ 11:30:00 AM ] pv weird day...weird night need to zZzzz...dead tired. too much on my mind. # [ posted @ 2:28:00 AM ] pv what a strange day today. what a beautifully strange day. today was a good day. yep. a good day. will blog later tonight. i think i know now what the deal is btween me and tatto. and its...not so bad... if anything, we re closer in ways like never before. and things are nice. its so strange how something right can emerge from something ugly, and painful. but ive learnt something. and i think im a better person because of it. and i think tatto sees this too. and i think hes coming round bcause of this too. but things are ok now. but we shall see. going out for dinner now, likely to be another long (but interesting) nite. hugs for tatto. <3 heh! # |
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