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Saturday, January 4 [ posted @ 11:29:00 AM ] pv im sick today :((( its so bad i crashed in bed within seconds of gettin home from work, in my jeans n overcoat n glasses n all n all i can think abt is stan. ugh. veni was like "i knew this would happen!" sigh. im gna get some sleep....goodnite world. n goodnite stan. imissyou # Friday, January 3 [ posted @ 8:02:00 AM ] pv chapter three hundred and twenty nine of the tatto + kiara saga: CHAPTER CLOSED she closed the book n put it aside. on the shelf where her other worn books were, yellow paged n dog eared - all well-read altho not all remembered. who knows wat will become of this book she just finished reading...it will likely gather dust like the rest, n maybe in time when she is spring cleaning she will chuck it out in the trash n it will b forgotten....or maybe not: maybe it will b cherished n kept close to her heart like the few special books she holds dear to her. or meybe like the even fewer books she reads twice, thrice, or even four times - she will reopen the book n read it again, with fond memories but with some unease - and then she will close it n put it back on the shelf. and maybe, just maybe - she will throw away the book altogether one day. watever becomes of this book, she knows there will always be other books out there, and one fine day - she will find one book so perfect and wonderful....a book worth reading an infinite number of times, and worth her memories for all years to come. a book worth keeping with her and in her heart - forever and ever and ever. # Thursday, January 2 [ posted @ 8:32:00 PM ] pv so i went to c nother doc abt my throat/vocal chords..he wrote a referral letter for me to c an ent specialist - "we cannot rule out cancer of the vocal chords" he said my world fell apart when he said that..well i tink it did not really sink in until after a few mins whn i walkd out of the clinic. i was angry, aggrieved....i thought abt how unfair lifes been for me, n i thought if i was really sick..then i wud give up hope in evything good in the world..nothin wud b important nemore. nothin wud mean nothin to me..id merely b a useless entity in this great big world, n id questn the reason of my birth/existence. im afraid n im not sure wat to do. wud i rather not know n live life to the fullest like now, or live life in constant fear knowin my days r numbered? # [ posted @ 6:19:00 PM ] pv im off for my chest xray # [ posted @ 6:19:00 PM ] pv i fell asleep last nite in my jeans, curled up.....the pc on - in fact i was in the midst of changin this blogs template..starin at my cellfone....thinkin of stan this is not good at all. # [ posted @ 9:14:00 AM ] pv well so i ended up sleepin for 4 hrs. i got hungry again so i ate some chopped beans thing w rice...n i drank the entire 2 lits of tropica oj in the fridge..yummm i jst remm..stan askd if he cud read my 'poems' ...hmm nobodys ever read my poems b4, i tink just tatto but even then just a few of em....i will ve to tink abt this, i tink i wud like him to read wat ive written but phaps only a slectd bunch..i myself ve not re read wat ive written..in so many ways im ashamed of how i was then, the stuff i wrote abt...i was really in the midst of complete darkness at tht point in my life, n i felt that i was stuck in this void..a dark vacuum of nothingness n meaninglessness.....ohboy. i tink i will look at these poems this wkend, not tonite. i tink i do not want to b reminded of who i was or where i was when i wrote all that stuff. on a deeper note, i so miss stan rite now n all i can think of is his lovely face. veni will kick me if she finds out im feelin this way. well time to walk jinn...i tink ill bring my discman. i do not want to think abt stan, for my own sanitys sake. # [ posted @ 4:34:00 AM ] pv i tink my post below dint make ne sense..my eyes r clsin as i type this blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh # [ posted @ 4:33:00 AM ] pv lunch date today so whn i rang him at the time he askd me too, he was alreadi up.."im still here tho lyin in bed, waitin for ur call" sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. he sounded so cute, all groggy n babyish, i cud not help but chuckle...he askd to meet today for lunch..altho id agreed the other nite to meet him, i reconsidered n felt i was startin to suffocate him..so i meant to not meet today, at least not till he gets bk from china nex wk "i dont wana rush u, ive only got an hr to spare..its not worth ur trouble" him "no im fine, its up to u..n wat do u mean its not worth it..r u sayin i wont b seein u until nex wk?" "hey we ll b fine..uve got ur visa to deal w/..then u gotta meet up w ryan" (ryan is off to seattle the day after tomorw, friday) "cmon dont disappoint me" he said sooo sweetly i was so weak at the knees the whole time..omg i caved in n agreed to meet at noon, at the train statn well he was even cuter today - he wore his plastic rimmed glasses - S.E.X.Y...geekily sexy..reminded me of clark kent..he lookd so posh, fine cultured, refined..i looked the total opposite, so gruff n unpolishd n middle class..... we pickd up his jacket..ouch that was some xpensive shit there but he lookd so damn HOT..ouuuchh. i knew he was rich but not this rich..wat more in his glasses, i felt like his amah..hhaha but neway i let him take the lead n he grabbd my hand tightly in no time..i felt so safe, n baby-ed lol, bcos hes so much older than i am.... we talkd abt some heavy stuff over lunch - oooh intense. but he did not run away or feign fake interest..he was really listenin to me, he kept lookin into my eyes....he saw me gettin uncomfy somteims coz we talkd abt real personal stuff (ie my mental breakdown, poss mental sickness) n he d reach out to clasp my hands ard his..i wud feel his warmth rite away n... at one point he was starin so badly i told him to look away coz i was feelin uncomfy..then he said "ive got smth to tell u" to which i responded "er as long as its the truth, honesty is never a bad thing" him "but its corny" me "ok i promise not to laugh at u" "ill miss u when im in china" he said. i was speechless..i was so touched he let me talk n xpress myself w o my havin to feel obliged or awkward...i tink i said way too much abt moi, um so i stoppd all of a sudden n said to him "hm i tink i shud stop, i mite ve frightend u away already w all my bullshit. sorry"...n he smiled (shit, his smile gives me the goosebumps) n mumbled rather quietly "actualy i like u even more now" ehhhhhhhh..i pretended not to hear n i disregarded that "ur hands r cold. i feel ure feelin this sadness rite now" me "i have to be cold" "why?" me "i just have to" "so u wont get hurt?" me "maybe" then he wraps his hands ard mine even tighter me "n pls dont make it ur mission to save me or watever..i m fine" "no i wont..i can only hope to make u happy but i know i cant change u..bcos it can only come from u" we partd ways in the statn..i askd him wat song was playin in his head n he whispered " 'its so hard to say gdbye'....im feelin tht rite now" we were goin down the escalator n i stood a step bhind him...i put my arms ard his shoulders n chest n kissd him bhind his neck.... my train came first so i had to b the one to walk away..he looked on...no teary gdbyes, no soppy "ill miss u" speeches...i tink wat i xperiencd w roque taught me that in some situatns, silence is indeed best, n speaks louder than words...i dont q remm wat he said but i do remm tellin him over n over "have fun n pls take good care"..i tink i had successfully blockd my mind from feelin ne sort of emotion bcos i knew id break down if i let myself b sentimental...i cannot afford to get attachd to him bcos hes only here for a fuckin holiday, remm that...as i walkd to my train i consciously did not look bk for fear of breakin down...at one point i quikly lookd bk..n there he was, watchin me go...i dont think he saw me lookin bk for him..but it was a loving sight, him watchin me walk into that train........ when we said our quick gdbyes, i saw his eyes n they were brimmin w terars - NOT KIDDIN. i tink he sensd i was feelin really hurt at the thought of havin to say gdbye to him too..so we kept it brief...he had nothin to say either..i m pretty sure he was holdin bk. this is the first time ive connectd w someone on the same mental plane...i was, honest to say, feelin crushed...i like stan a whole lot. n i know he likes me for who i m, stupid emotional me n all - bcos today i lookd n dressd like shit.. he wore this fantastic buttond down white shirt w dirty orange n green vertical stripes...unbuttond cuffs...his jeans fit him perfectly, n his beautiful shoes (ack! i never botherd abt shoes till now). geled up hair. but not too much. he was the perfect poster boy for .. gucci. not even a/x. but gucci..whoaaa on the train i smsed him "ill miss u too..take gd care ovr there" he responded "likewise anyway ure in my mind last nite" that was enuff to keep me smilin all day. my boss at work took one look at me n said "uve got a new bf havent u? ure so happy today" thanks to stan, my first 2 days of 2003 were nothin short of wonderful. so hes cmin bk on the 7th n then leavin for good on the 18th. once again, i will ve to cope w that. i jst hope overall speakin, he finds what hes lookin for, n tat goes for me as well -the end- hmmm venis words ring in my head all the time "this is just fun n DO NOT XPECT THIS GUY TO KEEP IN TOUCH" u know smth..i tink i broke all of venis rules heh well neway stan is decent. posh, upper class - shit, he drives a porsche bk home!!!! whn he told me this i said to him, "ure my antithesis" n hes like "wat do u mean?" n i said "well ure the corporate pig n im the tree hugger" hahahaha yaannnnnnnnnn..i slept only an hr last nite n ive bn on my feet all nite today. its jst occurd to me tht i havent eatn since 1 jan in the afternoon rite after the insomnia nye bash. that nite w stan we dint go out for dinn (at my insistence..well i mean at venis suggestn)... hes cute. i tink i cud ve a v v long rel w him, we click so well..at opp ends of the spectrum but we conplement each others personalities in that way hes also tolerant n kind, n sincere as well. ugh brb..gnna zZZZZZZZzzz really buggered so stan wont b bk till tues sigh :(( wonder wat this wk has in store for me ps. have not logged on icq, nor ve i written to him. (him = tatto) it is tims bday on the 6th. ughhhhh ENUFF alredy.... i need some shuteye # [ posted @ 4:06:00 AM ] pv last nites date ive bn meanin to write abt/contemplate abt wat happ last nite w/stan...i will ve to admit that the nite, in fact, went gloriously superbe..i had such a great time i forgot it was a date, bcos it was like hangin out w someone id known for eons at first it was weird, i was practically chewin my nails while waitin for him at the train statn..i had to get my journal out of my bag to write, jst to calm myself down...when i saw him n his eyes met mine, i melted...he was even more gorgeous than id remembered...so cute. well he needed to pick up a jacket from a store downtown..we walkd ard the mall for ages tryna find that place, by the time we got there it was already closd..it was eerily unsettlin for a while n i dint really say much coz i wantd to b at my best behavior...so i said little, since my trap always gets me in trouble.....n even more so, both knew phaps the only reason we got so chummy nye was the alcohol consumd tween us ..which helpd let our inhibitns go, or at least subside considerably....hmm we chkd out a few hotels but he dint fancy either one so he decided, at my request, tat we shud head bk to insomnia heh..jst b4 we were abt to go in, his buddy frm nye - who veni dancd w for a bit - rang to invite stan for drinks elsewhere...uh oh! so i told stan twas ok n that he shud go, since theyre not gna b seein each other until they both r in seattle later this mnth..stans response "well my heart says i want to spend time with u" awwwwwwwwww fuck, i was hooked! ryan turned out to b coooool, if nethin i tink i clik better w ryan than w stan when it comes to discussin things..i mean the guy is only 20 but he knows so much, n hes so animatd n so full of knowledge...it is jst not poss to not njoy ur chats w him...hes articuate, hilarious, i swear i ve nev been at more ease in discussin politics, sociology, human behavior, watever w a stranger ever in my life..b4 long we re tuggin each others clothes coz we wana get a word in, our talks were so hot evyone was lookin at us..eh the bar manager bough us a round of drinks on the hse....a few times stan even walkd out heh, but stan lovd watchin us..ryan is like a brother to him so i tink he was really happy me n ryan clickd so perfectly stan was tired for most of the nite but he was so affectnate..totally decent, mind u..he was coy n playful yet at the same time respectful..a few times he d grab my hand n clutch it...somtimes he d squeeze my arm...sooner or later he was playin w my fingers n holdin my hands under the table..i felt so at ease.....id draw lil circles n stuff on his open palm..hehe we talkd more than danced bcos we 3 jst njoyd ourselvse so much..we got on like a hse of fire....... well ryan got hungry so we had a quick bite..after which ryan left to go for karaoke w his friends n stan said he was gna see me home..i said it wud make no sense for him to ask the cab to cross the harbor to my place first? when he lived near isomnia..so i said id drop him off..heh, in the bkseat he put his arm around me n we cuddled.....that i tink was the definin moment...then he askd if i was tired n i said no..n he said he wasnt tired either, so we decided tht mebbe we shud hang out together some more we got off near his place n walkd ard the streets for a while..talkin, holdin hands, arms round each others waists....hes so sensitive, n he seems to love hearin me alk..he looks into my eyes n genuinely listens..n then he questns as if wantin to really know abt me....hmm we walkd aimlessly for abt an hr b4 we settld on some steps up some overland passenger walkway thing..nobody was ard n it was freezin..so we cuddled up n talkd.....we also kissd for the first time. he saw me off in a cab at abt 5am...i rang him whn i got home to make sure he got home safe too..frm then on we talkd diffrently, no more initial shyness, or formality...we progressd to care n affectn, altho not the overbearin kind.. i feel he understands me so well for someone whos known me barely for a day..he apprently reads ppl well n whn i askd him to tell me 3 things abt me ..uknow jst vibes abt me, my life, etc..he got all 3 right..he said the first ting he cud tell abt me frm the moment our eyes locked on was the warmth i had inside of me he askd me to give him a wake up call this mornin.......i was so happy for the first time in so many mths - i did not fall asleep w my discman in my ears.... i fell asleep w a smile on my face # Wednesday, January 1 [ posted @ 1:29:00 PM ] pv hello i just got home. now i need to think abt how tonite went, n then i will blog abt it. uhmmmm # [ posted @ 2:05:00 AM ] pv i am goin out w/stan tonite...now, who is stan u mite ask..... ugh. i told veni last nite no more men for me, coz i wana start the new yr on the rite foot..sides, the past few yrs my lifes gone downhill coz of my stupid love life. she agreed..."u were so diffrent b4, u were so much happier then" she said..then she goes "but thats wat i tell myself too - stay away from ne homosapien of the male gender - n wat happs? they turn up at ur doorstep" ..venis nev bn single...shes had more than her fair share of heartbreaks n each time she wud swear off men...but nex thing u know, a guys askd her out n.....blah..... well neway, she said i shud take it ez n work on my (currently non existent) career...i mean i had smth big goin wayy b4 all this shit, i mean i had a decent, n not to mention, respectable job..rite now i m grateful i ve smth to do, altho it pays peanuts, at least i get to pay my bills n i make an honest livin sooo back to stan. ahem. turns out me n veni headed out to lkf to ring in the ny..well we were stuck in some dingy alley at midnite bcos the dang police had cordoned off the area n were preventin ppl from gettin in...so finally at abt 1am we reachd our destinatn - insomnia - yea baby!! ..veni n i had agreed to keep to ourselves n lay off the men.....eh, we had a blast just feelin each other up..screw all u men, we were thinkin in our heads as we screamed, danced to our hearts content we were abt to leave n then..hmmm there was this guy behind me n we ended up dancin - NO TOUCHIN - bloody heck we were not even lookin at each other..ok later on it progressd to innocuous touchin (on waist, hands)..when the band took a break he finaly says his first words to me "im gna get a drink, ill b bk"..well at tht point me n veni were abt to take off, but he went to where we were as we were finishin off our last botts of corona, n he askd for nother dance (survivor, destinys child)..i replied "yea sure, our last dance"...hmm in the meantime veni had attractd quite a fair no. of suitors..neway, we danced some more n then ok, enuff...we took our coats to get ready to leave then..hmm the bar manager bought us a round of beer....n then he was gettin us some shots but veni said no more (smart girl)....then stan came bk n veni left us on our own as she waitd outside..we dint say much coz i dint want to leave veni waitin outside too long..the only ting i know abt him is hes from seattle, of chinese descent..damn he looked so fine (but almost too fine - uknow the playa sort) neway, i got home at abt 7am..took veni home then zzZZzz till 4.30..well actually veni called so i woke up...stan calls me at 4.35 while im on the other line w veni - talk abt gd timin sheeesh. he wants to go out again tonite hmm i said id tink abt it n i imm ring up veni...veni, sick n tired of my datin disasters, reminded me of my no men pledge but said i cud go out w/him w/ a few conditions..the ground rules were: 1. no dinner, jst drinks 2. tell him from the offset that we dont know each other v well 3. 'date' shud b on neutral territory (ie. NOT in wan chai) 4. n not last longer than 2 hrs 5. i shud b home by midnite, no later n the most imp rule: 6. *do not get attached* heh...neway whn he calld bk i did as she said n told him no dinner..so he suggestd drinks here.."er, how bout NOT there?" i responded.....i tink i made him feel bad when i said that. ummmm..wtf, i m not spendin my first day of the new yr w a total stranger at the friggin pen! hmpth..neway we said we d meet up n figure out the place later..so u c, ive pissd him off alredy..heh..which is not necessarily a bad thing? since im not even spposd to b in the vicinity of evil men..... blah. i better stop bloggin, else ill b really late. i stil gta walk jinn n then wash my hair n find smth to wear argggggggggggggggggh i so suck at this datin thing.........sigh # [ posted @ 1:34:00 AM ] pv a HAPPY NEW YR to all of u # Monday, December 30 [ posted @ 8:59:00 AM ] pv ways to move on procrastination 1. do the most unpleasant or toughest task first 2. tackle unpleasant jobs in small pieces and short segments. break the task into a set of mini-jobs. promise urself a reward for completing the task. if you earn the reward, be sure to take it. if you don't earn the reward, don't take it. 3. try thinking of the task in the larger context. think about how you will benefit by doing the task. it may make it more palatable. 4. don't wait for the right mood. start in spite of your mood. thomas edison said that genius is 1 per cent inspiration, 99 per cent perspiration. 5. commit urself to action. set deadlines. promise results to others. fear of losing face is a powerful motivator. 6. the very thought of having too little in which to complete all your tasks can paralyse your will. stop thinking about it and do something. 7. start with what you have. 8. after you have divided large tasks into smaller ones, add milestones so you will be aware of progress. 9. make radical changes to your routines. from abc time tips by dr. merrill douglass (mcgraw hill) # [ posted @ 6:07:00 AM ] pv since i was broke all xmas, today i bought some pressies: tatto: [top secret - 3 things so far] (dint i tell u already i was pathetic..yes i bought him pressies. bloody spent a bomb too) tim: [top secret] bro & gf: silver plated pic frame dad: desk calendar (feng shui - 365 dos n taboos) mom: template figurine tellin her wat a great mom she is n a little smth for myself n now im gna wrap em n put em under the tree # [ posted @ 5:49:00 AM ] pv im so disappointd in myself. i failed, n ive failed big time....i faltered n let things get the better of me. one: i called him two: i told him how much he hurt me three: i hung up twice..n called him bk twice four: on the last call, he hung up on me five: but not b4 i apologized like 10 times for hangin up on him n raising my voice (yes, for raising my voice) n last but not the least, six: i agreed to his suggestn that we talk tonite conclusn: i m stupid and pathetic. THE most stupid n pathetic person in this world. # Sunday, December 29 [ posted @ 9:58:00 PM ] pv im so sleepy n buggered # [ posted @ 11:35:00 AM ] pv unsurprisingly, i took this test earlier this yr n got the same result  take the death quiz. and go to mewing.net. laura = great. # [ posted @ 11:09:00 AM ] pv i m so glad this day is over. tomorow is gona suck even more tho. i just know it will :(((((((( off to bed..thank god the day is over. goodnite world. # [ posted @ 8:38:00 AM ] pv i m the most pathetic person on the face of this earth. im so fuckin restless i cant even leave the puter coz my fuckin fingers need to b doin smth....nethin so fuckin restless  How ASIAN are you? Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com. # [ posted @ 8:26:00 AM ] pv today i did nothin but sit here all day n evenin n watch tv n surf..nethin to keep bz..which suxx coz i end up wastin my time doin absolutely nothin..n for wat? jst so i dont fuckin think..this is so retarded..so fuckin retarded to dprive urself of thought bcos its the act of thinkin itself which is the cause of all ur pain n hurt..if i cant find serenity in myself then how the hell m i spposd to live w myself..if forever im gna run away from myself then i will never b able to live w myself i constantly ve to do stuff, jst to avoid givin myself enuff free brainspace to think..i cant seem to control myself frm thinkin self destructive thoughts, thoughts which hurt me both mentally n physically...heart ache is an understatement..my head starts to hurt i start to sweat i feel nauseous n sick whn i tink of stuff...n i try so hard to tink +ve thoughts but somehow they always lead to the same -ve things n then i jst go on n on n b4 long im so agitated, restless, angry n emotional..i try to find smth to do, i bite my nails i hide under the covers in bed w my discman STOP STOP STOP these thoughts i try to tell myself but somehow its to no avail n then i get helpess n desperate..i hate hittin rock bottom, tears start to fill my eyes n i start to pity myself so bad n i regret evything ive ever done i tell myself nothins worth it, tht im unlovable n worthless n i end up hatin myself..i tink evythin ive done is wrong, i begin to tink im not good nuff for nebody, that my presence hurts em n that im better off alone n away frm evybody else....i think shit, i dress like shit, i jst wana sleep n not wake up..such a hated existence..an angry existence..im angry i was born, im angry that im hurtin, im angry tht i hurt other ppl, im angry that im so full of anger inside i did nothin wrong..i try n try to find out where i fucked up, y god hates me..y im sufferin this way..i believe in karma so mebe i hurt someone real bad..i wish i knew..i jst wana know whre i fucked up....then id take all this pain better, then at least id know y things ve to b so hard n painful..but i dunno where the hell i fucked up, who i hurt, what i did wrong...if god were to give me nother chance to correct my ways i wudnt even know wat to rectify, coz i really dunno where i stuffed up..y things ve turned out so so badly for me...all i know is i loved (love) someone as much as i cud, nothin spared not one tiny thing..how cud love b so dangerous? how cud love b so vile so as to punish someone in this way? i gave him evythin i had n have, wat ve i done wrong? love is 100% pure, magical..love is evythin gd n evythin beautiful.....so was i just STUPID n naive to tink tht lovin someone cud do no harm to nobody...is evythin in this world so tainted even love? im so tired mentally...so tired i start to cry bcos i actualy feel my thoughts spillin over, its too much for me to tink, to handle, to carry...i jst wana sleep n sleep n not think nemore, of course it sucks i ve fuckin insomnia so tht means im practically never sleepy nuff to drown these thoughts in sleep..so i listen to mp3s, my cd player..which is not healthy at all, im fuckin makin myself deaf in the ears from blastin these tracks so loud, but i jst wanna not think so i dont care n i fall asleep listenin to creed, incubus..... i have the will to survive but not the means, wat is wrong w me? im doin all i can, but im still not able to shake this hurt off.......im frustratd to the point of tears...n while i suffer in angst, he lives on happily n easily...this is all so unacceptable n incomprehensible # [ posted @ 7:17:00 AM ] pv from emode punky, you're single because you don't want to get hurt Ever heard the expression, "Once bitten, twice shy?" You can probably relate to this, can't you? Your last relationship may have left you a little raw in emotions, and the memories are likely still fresh in your mind. Fresher than you can sometimes believe. With a hurt like that, you're probably not so eager to enter the drama again — and we can't say that we blame you. You may be so afraid of getting hurt that you take things to heart big-time when you're involved with someone — after all, you've been hurt before, why can't it happen again? You also may be guilty of comparing potential mates to your ex who may still constantly loom large in your mind. But maybe, just maybe, it's time to check your baggage at the door and let a new person into your life with a clean slate. You have a lot to offer someone, but you can't do it when you have one foot firmly planted in the past. # [ posted @ 3:10:00 AM ] pv i am in so much pain right now # [ posted @ 3:10:00 AM ] pv b r a i n f u c k e d # [ posted @ 2:35:00 AM ] pv if i cant let u go bcos i love u, then i will tell myself that my presence in ur life is hurting u, n that ure better off without me. i m not worthy of ur love, time or concern. god please help me fade away quietly into the night. and look after tatto. # |
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