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Friday, January 17 [ posted @ 10:07:00 AM ] pv stan n i met last nite......spent a good 16 hrs 5mins together until this afternoon..when we had to say goodbye forever.i will miss him so damn much. :( the whole 16 hrs 5 mins was pure heaven. he leaves for seattle tomorrow. for as long as it takes, kiara will mope. she will be depressed, restless and irritable. sad, tearful and weird. until the time is rite to blog again...y'all take care. # Thursday, January 16 [ posted @ 1:26:00 AM ] pv @ work...sigh, stan n i were sposd to meet tonite..well at least thats how we plannd it last nite...but i wont b surprisd if he jacks me again like he did last nite...in fact im xpectin him to..dang dang dang on nother note no matter how hard i try to convince myself that its a gd thing that hes goin away, i still feel really sad at the thought.......i will miss him soo damn much. sigh. well im off now, gna crash in bed coz i slept late last nite readin that stupid break up book then i woke up at the crack of dawn for work....... fuck. miss u stan. goodbye n hugs. tight tight hugs for you........... # Wednesday, January 15 [ posted @ 5:27:00 AM ] pv an update: im pissed off at stan coz he was alone all day goin ard town takin digipics...n he damn well knew i was gna b free yet dint even bother to chk if i wantd to spend the day w him...forget the stupid fact that hes goin away forever in 2 days time..also forget the fact that i gave myself to him at the wkend n since then we ve not met up...wat more...forget the fact he said last nite when we talkd we were gna meet this mornin, or tonite....n oooooh forget the goddamnd fact this mornin when i gave him a fuckin wake up call he said we d meet in the evenin..........but fuckin nooooooooo he chooses to b by himself today doin absolutely nothin, then when i gather up the courage to swallow my pride n ask him if we can meet, wat does he say?? "oh im meetin so n so now, i ll call u later" bloody hell, wtf is that spposed to mean?? get the fuck away...................i smsed him "nah no worries u ve fun" UGH. PIG PIG PIG. me. STUPID STUPID STUPID. stupid girl, kiara. # [ posted @ 2:14:00 AM ] pv which brings us bk to this whole hk-fil/chinese-engl thing i for one never gave a shit abt all this until rite now....bein w stan is really makin me re evaluate who i m n, if bein here in a strange land, is in fact destroying me in some way...mebe im not who im cracked out to be, jst coz im foreign n ppl c n treat me as an outsider...it sucks that whereas i treat evyone ard me normally, they c me as an alien - the v fact that they switch codes to speak to me in engl - n cmon now, language is the most obvious indicatn of how ppl c u as - this is an everyday, every minute occurence the bottom line is - i m nowhere. im in tween. im not chinese n im certainly not white. i dont consider canto NOR engl as my native tongue so ive got ppl who speak to me in engl, others in canto..n altho im much more at ease speakin in engl, i respond in canto if the other party chooses to use canto w me lingo is one thing..relatnships is another. stan is the first ever guy ive been with who speaks native-engl, so is this why ive bn able to communicate w him so effectively n so deep? coz he xpresses himself so well in the lingo i consider myself more at ease with? coz stan thinks in engl too, so i figure we meet so well on an intellectual level w roque engl was his 2nd lingo so we barely spoke issues..it was a bit hard at first coz by nature i like to connect, discuss, dbate...n i cud never w him simply coz he found it hard to xpress himself in engl - i felt (n actually veni felt also) that i was gettin the shorter end of the stick coz i was always holdin bk, i was nev myself in that i cud nev have a decent conversatn w him...admittedly i encouragd him to speak in tag n id respond in engl, jst coz i hated the awkwardness of him lookin at me blankly whnever i said smth in engl..in the end he was jst a decent bf to hang out w, never a gd conversatnlist or partner to talk to..hmm i swore once id never date a full engl person, i dunno y ..phaps my insecurity as an asian, ie my inability to xpress myself fluently in engl or watever got me too scared to even contemplate the idea of talkin to/bein with someone who used engl as his first lingo..then again, wtf m i then? engl is the lingo im most comfy w..but i jst know its not gd enuff, n it will nev b good enuff for a native person...arghhhhhhhhhhh i feel so stuffed up..does that mean ill b bloody single/celibate forever..im not gd enuff for nebody it seems :( fuck fuck fuck. in the end, i feel stan is perfect i tink...phaps i need someone jst as fucked up as me ethnically...uknow a blend of engl-canto...n forget the tag thing coz i tink its not even in me...jst my blood, n so wat? my folks may b fil but tats abt it...i guess it doenst help that they nev bothered to teach us the lingo, or even teach us nethin abt the fil culture........i mean altho roque was fil i dint quite force myself to b a fil per se..ppl ard him always saw me as some foreigner simply coz i communicatd in engl, even roque himself saw me as engl..bloody fuck, i dunno wat im spposed to b..so how the hell r ppl ard me spposd to see me as?? fuck i tink im gettin outta here..im gettin frustrated n im typin shit i myself dont even comprehend till later..........................ARGH. i hate me. # [ posted @ 1:39:00 AM ] pv ok i jst red a full blog, hmmm there r tons of fucked up ppl out there like me after all...i dont feel so shitty nemore, i know it sucks we always gta look at other ppls sad lives to feel gd abt ourselves but wat the fuck...thats jst how it is. or mebe it gives us hope tat we all r gna make it, one way or the other...n one day or the other w/ regds to this stan thing..im beginnin to accept wat must b...today i picked up a stupid self help bk abt breakin up n movin on...pathetic i know but watever to help me get over this thing...the other day i was talkin to a friend, well hes not that close but close nuff to give me advice i take seriously bcos ur closest friends always jst tell ya wat they tink u wanna hear rite? ("oh of course ure a beautiful woman n he was a jerk" "of course u were right n he was totally wrong" etc)..so he said phaps i mite jst b in love w love n not the guy himself..yea sounds so old but i cudnt help but wonder if mebe hes right.... well pathetic, lovelorn girl moi is still waitin for stan to ring..ugh, i wonder if he ll call..or if he calls, he ll probly jst jack me tonite n i wont see him b4 he leaves for fuckin seattle on friday n ill never see him again, finito...end of fling. how meaningful the past 2 wks ve been with him.....argh. ring, fone, ring! goddammit!! still findin it hard to accept that i ll never see this beautiful boy again..ohgosh wat a beautiful mind this boy has...... # [ posted @ 1:11:00 AM ] pv If thou wilt ease thine heart Of love and all it's smart, Then sleep, dear, sleep... But wilt thou cure thine heart Of love and all it's smart, Then die, dear, die. Thomas Lovell Beddoes cool quote from this blog # [ posted @ 12:57:00 AM ] pv im hungry :( i can see a counter here where a fat man in a yellow tee is standin, i tink hes the cook...hm if thats the case then i definitely wud much rather starve to death....this is an interestin place. quite seedy. i feel like im in a galactic place in space. theres no light here, just flashing lights beaming from each of the monitors...but i tell u, the noise is deafening..its like a fuckin battlefield in here. # [ posted @ 12:51:00 AM ] pv I CANT STAND THIS NOISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE # [ posted @ 12:40:00 AM ] pv so stan leaves for seattle the day after...shit. today i tink im seein him. i dunno..we were sposd to meet up today b4 work early in the mornin but whn i rang him he said he was gna hve lunch w his mom. whn we were talkin late last nite it occured to me tht he had no intentn of stayin ard, or even keepin in touch w me...it sorta saddened me more than angered me or watever, bcos i knew wat id miss most abt us was his company, that is all....our spiritual conversatns, just bein able to connect w someone on this heightend mental plane is smth v special to me..i dunno if im ever gna find someone like him, i sorta wish we hadnt met then ill not know wat im missin...well now that ive met stan i feel im in the wrong place or smth...im questionin my whole existence, ie wtf im doin here in a chinese land, where im a fuckin outsider n where no matter how i treat the ppl ard me like my circle, my friends - they will always see me as an outsider, an alien, a foreigner..........the whole chinese/engl shit really bothers me now....b4 i never cared, i never even began to tink abt the whole cultural aspect of my bein here in hk, how i operate or how it relates to my job, my future, my life....n now i wonder if im in the right place at all - mebe i shud head back home or move elsewhere where im one of everyone, where im part of everyone. # [ posted @ 12:28:00 AM ] pv well here i m in some cybercafe.........not weirdly nuff i m the only female here in a noisy, dark, crowded room of guys. this is so strange. i feel quite uncomfortable hmm..i tink evy single bein here is either surfin for porn or playin some stupid cybergame shit. UGH mebe this was a mistake..um. # Monday, January 13 [ posted @ 11:06:00 PM ] pv sigh...time to get ready for work oh yea to the really bored souls who regularly come by here (i tink u guys number around.....2 or so heh) - tag me or comment n leave ur url bcos when my bro reformattd my hard drive i was fuckin asleep - coz i was sick, remm? - so i dint get to save ne of my bookmarks...ugh, i lost evything......thx for chekin up on me too, i shud b bk to my bloggin activities say early nex wk, fingers crossd. shit i mite ve lost some of u guys urls for ever :( hmmm stan leaves in 3 days... :(((((((((( fuck fuck fuck i hate this. why does he have to b a fuckin tourist.................... # [ posted @ 10:33:00 PM ] pv shit im freezin, heatin up some oatmeal as we speak # [ posted @ 10:28:00 PM ] pv 4&5 jan - saturday, sunday i was sick like shit n stayed at home, sleepin 23 out of 24hrs of the day...saturday i was a goner - i went to work n i had such a rough day there..whn i got home i knocked out n fell asleep w my shoes on....i woke up the nex day on sunday only to go pee then i went bk to sleep....it was almost nite time whn i awoke...i was alone coz mom n dad left w o wantin to wake me up coz they knew i was real sick..but i was in so much pain n evything was hurtin i just startd to cry....my throat, my neck, my chest, my lips, my nose, my entire body felt like it got whackd by the full strength of an oncomin train.... 6 jan - monday well timmyboys bday..timmy is my n tatt's kid - well at least while we were together we called him our baby altho i guess given current circumstances hes no longer mine...forget mine, hes no longer in my life..i feel pretty sad abt that, i mean i still love him...altho me n tatt r estranged, id still like to know wats goin on in tims life...but who m i to make such a demand - tatto has effectively cut me off frm his life n theres nothin i can do abt it..i did send tatt an sms wishin timmy a happy bday, but he dint respond - rightfully so i guess..i mean wats there to say...last time me n tatto talkd it was horribly ugly, he calld me names, i called him names n it ended w me slammin the fone down after yellin "i feel so sorry for u"...of course i bought timmyboy a pressie but i dunno if its in my place to give it to him...sigh...watever the case, at least tatto n me r over n done w, n he can get on w his life....marry that selfish bitch n all. if theres neone i hate after this sordid affair, its that bitch who continuously n happily destroyed 3 ppls lives, jst to persue her own greedy ambitions. fuck her...but i wont n cant hate her tht much coz shes gna b tatt's wife n i want tatt to b happy.....more imp i want tim to b happy...... 7 jan - tuesday gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd the day ive bn waitin for....stans arrival from shanghai.......wat a surprise, he actually decided to change his flight n fly in earlier bcos he says it was so friggin cold there...he msgd me the sec he reached home frm the airport but the damn telco network fucked up so i dint get his msg till like the nex mornin....i had missed him like shit the past 4 days...thank god we did end up meetin later that evenin, at his insistence..of course i told him he shud stay home n rest but he was really keen as wel...oh fuck it was a beautiful evenin n nite that nite.....met at 8 at c'way bay statn - actually he rang earlier durin the day askin me if we cud go see a movie....we met n good lord, i was OVERJOYED to c him...we had drinks at shooters52 in times square, but we got so caught up talkin we dint even finish our drinks...i swear, this man has the most amazin mind ever..i love hearin him speak, his stories, his viewpoints on jst abt nethin...hes got such a beautiful mind...i m enthralled, entranced n captivated by his wit n intellect........ we saw a canto flick - infernal affairs - which was decent...thruout the movie i was smilin to myself like an idiot bcos i was so happy...we were playin w each others hands, we shared a nestea n some popcorn....sigh, i was in heaven......... we walked the streets afterwards....ended up in victorias park again like the previous week...it was chilly but we dint care, all the more we hugged each other tight n held each other close...he did embark on the "what r we doin?" talk, which i brushd off by sayin "ure leavin so lets jst enjoy wat we got..one day at a time"...stupid me, so insensitive...but really i dint mean to b insensitive, it jst hurts so much to tink that hes goin away for good soon...this realizatn really hurts..so when he askd "do u tink we re goin too fast?" that nite i jst dint want to talk abt it..it was such an awesome nite i dint wana ruin it w the sadness of him leavin me...so we stayed for many hrs together, he got cold so we walkd to 7 11 to get a hot drink, which he tried to share w me but i cudnt hve it coz it had milk..it was bliss...pure bliss........ got home at 4 somthin, then we spoke on the fone until 5.30 when his cellfone batt died off.........i kiss him gdnite over the fone, which totally swoons him over..hehhh 8 jan - wednesday did not c stan coz he was spendin the day w his best friend, mr sunday...well he works there so we call him that, i dunno his real name....neway apprently stans bn tryin to get a hold of him since he arrived in hk but mr sunday was out of town until this day so he was really lookin fwd to seein him....stan left his place at 1 smth, he calld me on his way home n we talked for agessss....yippeee..well he was hungry so he stoppd by at a restaurant n we talkd...then he went home n we talked again...it was abt 6am i tink when his fone batt died 9 jan - thursday stan is officially sick. hes totally bedridden n sleeps all day, evenin, n nite..well i m pissed off at first, bcos i hear no word from him all day...veni says to NOT call him bcos ill look like a loser, n she says im not his gf neway so stan does not need to ring me evyday...but im still worried/restless like shit...after many many hrs of resistin the urge to call him, finally at 3 am i succumb to temptatn n sms him...he writes bk sayin hes bn sick all day...hes on his way down to get some food n he offers to ring me from there, which he does...n while at first i hold evythin in, pretendin to b ok abt the whole situatn, finally i cant stand it nemore n tell him im peeved coz he dint call me all day..he was taken aback, sayin he dint mean to make me worry n im like "dont u know by now that i care abt u?" whoaaaaaaaa...he mumbled "um yea i figured"..stupid me, i dunno wat came over me whn i blurted that out, i mst ve sounded so cheesy n clingy, but HECK, i was worried outta my senses that day....neway, his sweet charm soon won me over n b4 long i m in love with him again n ve forgotten abt the whole incident... 10 jan - friday stan is still sick :( so i was home n restless....admittedly a bit upset we dint get to go out but at the same time im hopin he gets well real soon coz its only a wk till he flies bk home :( ...i dint call/sms him coz i wantd him to rest as much as poss..i spent most of the nite watchin stupid programs on tv...we did talk for a bit at nite, abt the possible macau trip we were spposd to take the nex mornin....he said it was likely we d ve to cancel coz he was still feelin real sick...sigh, i even cancled my classes on sat to accomodate for this trip so i was really really disappointd...but i understood n i was jst hopin n prayin he d b ok soon 11 jan - saturday ok, im really really mad bcoz i hear no word from him...not even to cancel the macau plans...wat more it was a beautiful day, the sun was out n all, after so many days of cold weather....so veni suggestd i not b pissed off bcos after all, the boy is sick, so i take her advice n go out on my own to scour the streets...i puffed all day, went shoppin - ugh, i blew my money on totally useless things..hmm shoppin therapy i like to call it..actually i go for 2 types of therapies whenver im dpressed: shoppin therapy n the more lethal pain therapy..neway i went to pageone, n i ended up buyin a book for stan for when he leaves..hmm altho veni says i shudnt get him a gdbye pressie, i still got him smth..i dunno, it jst felt rite i guess..hm i also bought kurt cobains book...yea i know it was pretty sleazy of courtney to publish his intimate stuff but i do have a lot of respect for the guy n i was curious as to how his mind worked....fuck, it cost me $250+ but i bought it neway....partly to make myself feel better, after all the macau trip was screwed n im cpl hundred bucks poorer coz i cancled work that day..neway stan finally rings late nite at abt 9 n he says he thinks hes up for tonite, that we shud meet n stuff..well im almost temptd to tell him to forget it coz i was upset we dint get to macau but once again, hearin his voice n speakin to him won me over..shit i mst admit ive never met neone w a sexier, clearer, beautiful voice like his....neway we end up meetin at 10.30pm, whoa we head off to wanchai n barhop.....fuck, it was wonderful.....he was wonderful..he behaved perfectly n the nite cudntve gone ne better....we had fun dancin, cuddlin, snoggin, makin out, touchin here n there...i got tipsy enuff to b darin n he enjoyed that (i hope) n he was the perfect boyfriend.....n i felt the happiest girl on earth w/him holdin my hand..i had the finest male specimen in the whole of hk that nite heh.... we were together till abt 4pm the nex day...him n i got into trouble w our respective moms but we sorted it out...he met mr sunday rite after we had drinks n fruit at the excelsior hotel, i went home n he went to lantau island w mr sunday....hmmm it was bliss... thing is, when he got home he was knackered byond blief so we dint talk at all..n neway his cell batt was dead..so i jst smsed him gdnite n the nex afternoon at abt 2pm he smsd me bk sayin that he d jst woken up n was still feelin tired n sick.....but he was goin out w him mom that afternoon..only rite too, since he hasnt spent much time w her....so no biggy, we dint talk much yest coz she was around....which brings us tooooooooo... today - 14 jan - tuesday so far. hmmm i took jinn to the vet this mornin for her accupuncture session...spent some quality time w her...actually i hadnt heard from stan all evenin/nite yest so i jst let things b..i was irritated n restless but a gd friend rang at the stroke of midnite n we talkd for a long time, which really saved me bcos i tink i wudve gone crazy wonderin y stan dint call..esp after the wkend thing..i bgan to tink all sorts of stupid things like hmm mebe stans the 'find, fuck, flee' type...yea i guess i shudnt ve gone that far but im really paranoid....when i woke up at 7am theres a msg from stan on my fone askin me if im awake still, n he sent tht msg at like 6am! so i guess he had nother late nite last nite...which disturbd me a bit bcos im tinkin, if hes out till late so often then hes gna b way too tired to spend time w me..wat more hes only got 3 days until he flies bk to seattle :( call me selfish yes, but im also aware that chances r that we ll never cross paths again so id like to c him at least one more time b4 friday wen he leaves..is that too much to ask really? i mean its not as if we ll keep in touch..we never really talkd abt this but veni said hes not gna keep in touch so i shud not even dare xpect him to, else im gna lose my mind again n go insane...UGH. so whn i got home from the vets, i rang him up for fun...i mst admit it took me a lot of guts to dial his no. coz i knew he d b asleep n i dint wana irritate him or piss him off, knowin that he went to bed real late last nite hmmm..so i bit my tongue n rang him up - thank god he was in a perky mood n we had a semi decent conversatn, he sounded so cute as usual i jst felt like goin there to his place to attack him..hahaha.....neway, he went bk to bed n i went bk to wat i was doin - eatin, n now im here in bros room bloggin hm let me post this b4 the pc crashes, god forbid # [ posted @ 8:56:00 PM ] pv eh, typed this yest on my dads pc but it fuckin stalled so i saved it n bailed out after a friggin hr of fightin the damn machine.......... i cannot stand this nemore...fuck this. so here i m usin dads pc n hes rite here bhind me, god knows if hes fuckin lookin over my shoulder i m fuckin restless..i cud not sleep last nite over this whole stan deal n im afraid im gna go stupid the nex cpl days as he prepares to go bk to fuckin seattle...n of course i cant go fuckin emotional w him bcos i mite frighten him away, like i do w all men. i think i emit some secret "love me, fuck me, leave me" radar when i meet a great guy...why the fuck does stan have to b a fuckin tourist....i have not been able to speak to neone on this sort of level in my life, ever! sounds like a fuckin overstatement, but tis so fuckin true..finaly i meet someone who sparks my real self to come out of the shadows..xplore, investigate who i really m, n wat lifes all abt..n shit, hes so fuckin witty n smart n goddamnd clever..urgh. it helps that hes fuckin gorgeous too..damn, phaps the only thing wrong w him is he listens n understands n respects me too much, i mite actually corrupt his beautiful mind n self dads pc was made durin the stong ages so this speed is goin at like, 1mp p/sec...i hate this. i must find a cybercafe soon....i wanna meet stan so bad, i wana spend al my time w him :( i wana tell him so much but at the same time i know that i shouldnt bcos this probly means nothin more than a fling thing to him, n me just a stupid desperate girl who picked him up at a bar...fuck. this is so not good. miss him like shit rite now.. # [ posted @ 8:52:00 PM ] pv yessssssssssssssssssss im fuckin back online!!! well at least for now that is....im usin bros pc heh - hes out for the day n im gna fuckin blog n surf n write/read email until my fuckin fingers bleed.................. # Sunday, January 12 [ posted @ 3:20:00 AM ] pv i will try to find a cybercafe tomorw...i need to fuckin blog or ill lose my fuckin mind. stan dont goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :((( # [ posted @ 3:19:00 AM ] pv i m totally happy. i love stan but hes fuckin leavin for seattle in 4 days :(( n then i will never see him again.....FUCK this world. on nother note, my pc is fucked so i cant come online nemore. in the meantime..i try to stop from goin crazy......the whole stan thing, him leavin for good this wk....my life is shitty again fuck. fuck. fuck # |
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