Saturday, January 25 [ posted @ 11:42:00 PM ] pv the tears coudnt stop fallin....choking bk tears, tryin to catch my breath..gasping for air.......it felt like my whole world had collapsd n i was nothing..a failure, a total failure..a sobbing, stupid, useless piece of dirt...a total mess.
i had not cried like this in a really long time n i hve never felt this way b4...to feel utterly useless, a pain, a burden to evyone ard u. i did not go to uni to b this way, my folks did not give me evything i needed n more for me to end up this way....i feel sick, i feel torn..the tears did not stop n i felt like cowerin deep into the ground to sleep...to feel senseless, to feel dead, to feel unborn, numb
i had not realizd the xtent of my probs until i said em out loud..i felt suffocatd, i cud not breathe rite..my hands were twitchin as they playd w the lighter, my head felt flighty, i cud not even complete my sentences coz i was gaspin for breath....thoughts were incomplete as i realizd to my horror wat a mess my life was in, the bucket of shit i was in...its a scary event, to ve all ur failures flash in front of ur v eyes...to not ve even 1 +ve thought, to not ve a shred of self worth..just 100% uselessness, a total failure in evy way possible.
the tears have not stopd n i write this w a pained heart, a pained head...the desire to get into a foetal positn in bed n sleep the day away is there...my throat is dry frm the hiccups n gasps, my eyes hurt frm sobbing, my head dizzy frm the sudden migraine, my body unmovin n still frm the shock to my system...
#
Friday, January 24 [ posted @ 11:02:00 PM ] pv who knows what mite ve been....cudve been......:( sigh.
#
[ posted @ 11:02:00 PM ] pv i feel depressed now....i wish he lived here......
#
[ posted @ 11:01:00 PM ] pv hugs for stan.
im beginnin to accept the sad fact that stan will sooner or later leave my life...alas, we were never meant to be :(
#
[ posted @ 8:53:00 AM ] pv i remm stan fallin asleep on my tummy last thursday..he layin on his bk, tween my legs...we were both exhausted after a nites worth of - ahem - activities..it was so cute. i played w his hair n face as he dozed off...his sweet snores filled the room as i smiled to myself for wat seemd like an eternity....i askd him if he was cold, n he mumbled "no no..zzZZzzz"...as he went bk to sleep...heh..so i kept playin w his hair...runnin my fingers thru em...soo sweet.......one of the sweetest moments in my life....swoooooooon. sigh. i miss the guy :(
i still remm how gorgeous he is..a fineee specimen of a man.
sigh.#
Thursday, January 23 [ posted @ 4:45:00 AM ] pv fuck sunday..i m lodgin a formal complaint against the fuckwit i spoke with last nite AND his supervisor AS WELL AS his supervisors supervisor..fuck em. im shiftin my telco provider after all this shit. fuck you bastards....i hope u rot in hell
#
Wednesday, January 22 [ posted @ 9:23:00 PM ] pv ok i will make this as pain free for all of us as poss n make this quick..thing is i m at this cybercafe ..the same one as b4 n SHIT it is as noisy as fuck in here. seatd nex to me r a bunch of prebuscent boys playin some STUPID online game at full blast n i swear i ve lost some hearin in the one hr ive been here..i m irritated, annoyed, pissed off. its like world war 3 here n i feel my blood boilin. the noise is deafening. SHIT this asshole sittin across from me jst kicked my feet under the table. JERK. once again i m the only female here. fuck i hate this place...but this is the only cybercafe i know thts near work, within 10mins walkin distance..ugh. to top it off my fuckin keyboard is half arsed so i gta press each key with all my might jst for it to fuckin work.
BUT on a brighter note...stan rang yest mornin =) oh shit i was over the mooooooooon...it was soooooo cool, he rang at abt 6 in the mornin..fuck i was surprisd to hear frm him n in fact when i pickd up i had to ask a cpl times who it was..i was a giggly girl the whole 2 hrs tht we spoke =) heh i tried to hide it i guess..dont want him to scare him off....it was heavenly..sigh...totally, utterly wonderful...neither of us wantd to hang up but we had to coz he was ringin frm work :( but shit all day i had a spring in my step n butterflies in my tummy...heh i was really happy n perky all day. =) gosh i m so into this beautiful man...it is so overwhelming. dammit hes so cute. i remm his face, his eyes, his mouth. gawd. heavensent.
ok i will not let this god forsaken place ruin my mood so im takin off now. jst the thought of that fone call is makin me giddy n i want to relish this...blah, that sounded corny lol. fuck i cannot hear myself think even...sigh. i rang up bro last nite n he swore he ll come by this wkend to fix my pc. well he d better or someones gna b hurt....
i wna hug my stan so so tight rite now.
ure beautiful
Tuesday, January 21 [ posted @ 8:34:00 AM ] pv this is my response to an article on the scmp stan fwded me...unfortunately u gta pay in order to gain access to the site - the bastards
>Tuesday, January 21, 2003
>
>Only with civility will globalisation work
a paradox in itself?..globalizatn by nature is not civil bcos globalizatn entails the annihilatn of the 'little people'....those too weak/unstable to sustain themselves in the big boys game. (its a pity that vulnerability can spell out an entity's demise: be it a culture, a people, a company, a language, a species..)
>I think about where our societies are going and whether they will be
>civil societies. Will the members of these societies be able to
>interact with one another on a civil basis? Will they be able to
>ensure the progress of humankind? Will they be able to nurture a
>humanistic and civil outlook?
to b honest, integrity n ethics ve taken a back seat to economic gain n convenience these days....eg as u said stan, the internet was designd to help us, eg bring ppl closer, to facilitate communication, to make difficult tasks easier..but look at the dangers the internets brought us instead..n look at the no. of ppl takin advantage of this technology - to hurt n damage
other egs r the atomic bomb, chemical n biological warfare, animal/human cloning (jesus christ, this one is the worst)
>were clear: do good work, do not get too big for your breeches,
>always be an authentic person, do not worry too much about being
>famous and rich because that does not amount to much. In short, just
>try to be a good person.
i like this part..my thoughts exactly.
im not out to b some bigshot, i have no larger than life ambitions or goals to achieve...remm over lunch once (the day u left for shanghai) i askd u wat u thought ur purpose in life was? n i said mine is to make my mark in this world when i die, to leave something good behind..even if it means having changed one persons life for the better, or having done one good thing..then my bein born will not have been in vain.
>Civility, I think, is about crossing boundaries. It is not difficult
>to be civil to someone who is exactly like us, someone with whom we
>have a deep affinity. It is another thing to be civil to people who
>are different to us.
or even better: "its nother thing to b civil to those who are WEAKER or MORE VULNERABLE than us" -> this is the very heart of the animal liberation/rights movement
its abt being the voice for the voiceless, the defenders for the defenceless
>care about people who do not look like us, who do not understand us,
>who do not eat the same things we eat, who do not believe in the
>same god. We are not so sure that we can do that.
ie mutual respect, tolerance and understanding
>need sophisticated answers. What we do need is to focus on the
>education,
education? is it that simple?
oddly enuff, its in the more 'educatd' countries that racism, sexism n watever-ism r more prevalent..one can argue that phaps educatn has ruined us..it has turned us all into into thinkin/believin that knowledge is evything, that tolerance has to be learned, that without education we r not decent human beings - all bullshit of course
>genuinely respects people; it is impossible for us to perpetrate
>violence against others if we are respectful of human life.
its also impossible to respect human life if u perpetrate violence against animals
>We see many children today who are angry at their lot in life. Some
>college students I encounter are angry beyond anything I can
>describe - angry because their parents did something to them long
>ago, because society has dealt them a harsh blow, because their
>financial aid covers only 95 per cent of their college expenses,
>because they think they will not make their first million before
>they are 30.
unfortunately this is so true...we r a generatn of me me me me....an era where children sue their parents, acts of brutality/cruelty glorified, intolerance condoned n even encouraged...blah, the world suxxxx
u know we r the only generatn (those born after 1970) that hasnt xperiencd war...the vietnam war was the last major one...n that has made evyone born after the 70s selfish n self-absorbed n apathetic..we hvent xperiencd real hardship, real suffering
>how I learned to be a college president. You can teach a child to be
>a person of quality by showing how you care for human beings, by
>showing the standards you set for yourself.
but a parent can only do so much...rite now there r tons of outside influences...like the media, friends, advertising, the internet, technology - its social conditioning. the family isnt the only factor nemore like in the past...
>What will we need for the 21st century? When I was a child, I had
>I studied theatre, art, music and mostly literature, because I
>needed to know the ways in which mankind had, over the centuries,
>responded to social change. I knew that I needed to understand this
dont u jst wish that human beings were born with a sense of compassion towards all creatures, both ppl n animals?.. i still blieve tht educatns got nothin to do w/ bein a person of goodness n decency..
>college and then decided that I could understand my own country
>better if I went to other nations and studied their cultures.
bein in the presence of ppl from other cultures def enlarges ones capacity to learn n understand..IF these ppl r a positive influence
>This is the task of civilisation and the promise of civil society.
>This is the task we must pursue relentlessly in our homes, in our
>places of worship, in our colleges and universities, in all our
>civic institutions. For a time in South Africa there was great civil
problem identified..but where is the solutn?
>the face of brutality. We can learn how to become human beings who
>claim our responsibility to nurture a civil society.
sigh. isnt this idealistic?...n it wudnt b fair for jst a select group of ppl to carry the burden of havin to change the world as the vast majority sits idle, reapin the benefits....
>
>Can we tame and transcend our uncivilised instincts? Can we learn to
>cross boundaries imposed by cultural, ethnic, and religious
>influences?
wat do u tink stan? can we?
then again mebe instability, social unrest is what makes our world tick..its wat keeps the human race goin..this unendin quest for a better world
its jst a pity that instead of workin towards a better, more livable, more peaceful world, some ppl choose to work for more money, more fame, more power, more personal glory, more influence, etc instead
#
[ posted @ 8:27:00 AM ] pv stan wrote today =) the sweety =))) i m a happy gurl rite now
#
Monday, January 20 [ posted @ 10:08:00 PM ] pv n for the record, ive not heard from stan
[ posted @ 10:07:00 PM ] pv welcome to my blog dimp
n phaps kan too, if ure bored nuff to b surfin at work
well ive dcided to come out of the shadows n reveal to a few close friends this stupid blog of mine...well they bitch abt my not ringin em nuff or updatin em w my stupid life so i thought y the hell not i tell em abt this blog..er i dont tink i ve said nethin bad abt em neway hehh...ohwell even if i did theyd probly understand (i hope) coz theyve always known i was crazy
on nother note my blog template is fucked up n theres nothin i can do abt it.....the html code thingies r saved in a cdrom n i cant open the file here on my bros pc coz they dont ve the adaptec software installed..n im too lazy/stupid to start from scratch too, so i tink ill jst wait for bro to fix my pc
tom rang me today at lunch - that guy who told me cpl days ago phaps im jst in love w/love n not the person..heheh its always a lot of fun talkin to him, was real nice of him to ring.....
well time to walk jinn then its bk to work argh..i work till 7pm tonite which suxxxxxx...only consolatn is i hope bro+his gf wont b in tonite then i get to attack their pc n come online to blog or send/read email or watever
im hungry. n my throat/teeth/gums still hurt.
tom actualy buggd me to c a doc, which of course wont happ...but at the same time its scarin me like shit that my throat seems to ve worsend....not only that but my gums n teeth r bleedin real bad these days....im tryin to take in more calcium n vits in case its a case of malnutritn but to no avail so far
i cant stand to fly
im not that naive
im just out to find
the better part of me
im more than a bird
im more than a plane
im more than some pretty face
beside a train
and its not easy to be me
i wish that i could cry
fall upon my knees
find a way to lie
bout a home ill never see
it may sound absurd
but thats all that i need
even heroes have the right to bleed
i may be disturbed
but won't you concede
even heroes have the right to dream
n its not easy to be me
up, up and away, away from me
well its all right
you can all sleep sound tonight
im not crazy...or anything
i cant stand to fly
im not that naive
men werent meant to ride
with clouds between their knees
im only a man
no silly red sheet
diggin for kryptonite on this one way street only a man, no phony red sheet
looking for...special things inside of me
inside of me
inside of me
yeah, inside me
inside of me
im only a man
no phony red sheet
im only a man
looking for a dream
im only a man
no phony red sheet
and its not easy...
its not easy
to be me
> ::: the unforgiven ::: >
new blood joins this earth
and quickly hes subdued
thru constant pain disgrace
the young boy learns their rules
with time the child draws in
this whipping boy done wrong
deprived of all this thoughts
the young man struggles on
and on hes known
a vow unto his own
that never from this day
his will theyll take away
what ive felt what ive known
never shined thru in what ive shown
never be never see
wont see what might have been
what i felt what ive known
never shined thru in what ive shown
never be never me
so i dub thee unforgiven
they dedicate their lives
to running all of his
he tries to please them all
this bitter man he is
thruout his life the same
hes battled constantly
this fight he cannot win
a tired man they see
he no longer cares
the old man then prepares
to die regretfully
that old man here is me
what ive felt what ive known
never shined thru in what ive shown
never be never see
wont see what might ve been
what ive felt what ive known
never shined thru in what ive shown
never free never me
so i dub thee unforgiven
what ive felt what ive known
never shined thru in what ive shown
never be never see
wont see what might ve been
what ive felt what ive known
never shined thru in what ive shown
never free never me
so i dub thee unforgiven
01 eat right |
02 get a real job |
03 deal with debts |
04 start a savings plan |
05 always be reading at least one book at all times |
06 read the paper everyday |
07 save up for a car |
08 write letters weekly |
09 think positively |
10 move out, get own place |
11 volunteer at peta |
12 make parents proud of me |
13 be happy |
14 be healthy |
15 focus on life goals |
16 be happy
> ::: whats up ::: >
march 04 | movie date w veni 06 | veni + jericks 9th yr anniversary; AS leaves for sydney for good 11 | AS bday 13 | peta dinner 14 | jericks bday; peta demo at kfc - lan kwai fong, noon 15 | bkfair at german swiss intl school 17 | mom n dads 30th wedding anni 20 | moms bday; meatout 2003 22 | bar hopping w veni? 23 | spca pet walk 2003 - tai tam reservoir, 10a-noon 24 | d-day, 1st year anniversary
april 04 | 9.30am job interv; 2-6pm meet w job agent; first bellydancing class 7.30pm 07 | alfreds bday 07-09 | asia for animals conference 14 | anti-dog/cat eating demo worldwide 19 | ryans bday 27 | unc romy's bday 20 | dads bday
> ::: to do ::: >
. pics on yahoo
. write up a letter to student loans
. send stuff to shah
. sort -ves/pics
. get lenses n glasses
. smth for veni
. jinns vet appt
. dimp, sonys bday pressie
. send kan her stuff
. compile AL/AR ngo list
. head over to cath shop
. post tatt's stuff
. do tim's arts/craft
. trade amex flyer points
. pick up license ($1k), deadline jan 04
. save hotmail sent mail
. burn teroh stuff on cd
. change info of all online accounts
. sunday complaint letter
. read za's blog
. c the doc (maybe?)
. change blog template
. stuff to give sony/dimp
. draft out stans speech
> ::: about moi ::: >
kiara on good days, killkiara on bad days |
a libran in my 20s |
a dragon baby |
vegan and proud |
born in the phils |
moved to hk 20+ yrs ago |
sing used to b my 2nd home
for reasons id rather (but cant) forget |
i have a soft spot for indo |
used to be in love and obssessed with tatto, whos now married |
currently has the hots for/falling in love with stan, a seattle boy
> ::: all i am ::: >
insecure | emotional | disenchanted, disillusioned and disappointed | supersensitive |
melancholic by nature | fragile and easily broken | stubborn as a bull | always restless |
pensive to the point of paranoia | unhealthily sentimental | demonstrative of my feelings | openly affectionate |
i dont forget easily | i listen to my heart more than my head | cold and distant |
i dont like nor trust people | idealistic but hopeless | hoping but pessimistic |
pure in heart but tainted in spirit
> ::: favorite things ::: >
walking barefoot | sky gazing at night | being disorganized | babies (age <6) |
giving presents to ppl i love | clubbing (and drinking) | the
taste of blood | sitting by the pier when im down | really late nights | telling myself
that im a failure, so that when i beat the odds im pleasantly surprised | hugs | being a
girly-girl when im in love | being treated like a girly girl when im in love |
dressing up for the occasion | peanuts and peanut candy | candles and incense sticks | smelling and
kissing the back of my mans neck | spiritual conversations | the smell of vanilla
> ::: pet peeves ::: >
people who chew with their mouths open (esp gum) | festive events esp bdays and
xmas | having to throw stuff away | asians/wannabe gweis with fake pseudo
yanky/pommy/etc accents | nouveau-riche bastards (and bitches) who think theyre all that |
when animals suffer | all this hype over article 23 of the basic
law | people who teach their pets dumb tricks | sorority-type airheads | guys wearing
tight jeans/pants | my hair just after its washed | the sight/smell of raw meat |
being broke | takin cat naps in the afternoon (i wake up real cranky) | lies,
dishonesty, fakeness for the sake of formality
> ::: good gurl ::: >
my honesty | generosity | im very dedicated and devoted | im not materialistic |
im earthy | im true and genuine to myself and the ppl around me | i dont play mindgames
nor bullshit | im environmentally conscious and socially aware | im painstakingly
meticulous in my
thoughts so im never caught unaware in the end | my inate sense of compassion |
im unafraid | im not a sellout (and will never be one)
> ::: bad bitch ::: >
my honesty | prone to xtreme bouts of mood swings, depresssion and self-hate |
i think too much and feel too much | i do stupid things when i feel like it |
im neurotic | im unforgiving | i dont have a sense of humor | i spend too much money |
im always suspicious of people | i procrastinate | when i m anxious, afraid or nervous,
i bite my nails till they bleed | i get too attached to ppl too soon | im a crybaby |
my belief in the existence of a perfect world | my desperate attempts to find that
perfect world
> ::: i want ::: >
to be understood | all animals to be free | animals to not be human fodder | vivisection, hunting, fishing,
fur, circuses, zoos, pet stores, etc banned for good | no
racial/ gender/ ethnic/ class/ religious/ political barriers between us |
honesty from everyone around me | inner peace | true, everlasting love |
to feel excited that im alive | to never lose my integrity | to live simply,
feel deeply, love openly and express honestly
> ::: all the world's a stage ::: >
AS |
first love..almost got engaged to him but i messed up. together for 5+ yrs..the most
wonderful, decent, understanding, kind man in the universe...
whoever marries this guy is the luckiest girl on the planet
jinger |
aka jinn/jinney..much-loved baby, reason of my existence, purpose of my being
kitty |
rip baby girl - ure never forgotten...i love you
roque |
ex-love...came into my life, loved me, turned my life around..then
left for the states suddenly. currently mia but i will always be grateful
to him for saving me..i hold him close to my heart
stan |
current fixation and obsession..object of my affections and my hearts desire.
lives millions of miles away and i miss him terribly :( sexy, studly, gorgeous and has
a beautiful mind
tatto (tatt) |
the love of my life? we could not be together due to circumstances beyond
our control..the creator-destroyer of my life
tim |
my kiddo with tatto. turned 3 in jan 2003..health and happiness to you always
little 'un
tom |
online friend extraordinaire..a truly one of a kind kind of guy
veni |
dancing queen, girl of many men's (and women's?) fantasies,
die-hard gackt fan, anime freak, ardent meat eater...also: best friend/ girlfriend/
life saver/ partner in crime/ personal life coach/ motivator/ unpaid shrink/ punching
bag of yours truly
> ::: current state ::: > updated on 15 apr
local time 01:32 (+8.00 GMT)
wearing | blk baby tee, green hipsters
doing | chillin...i m *so* tired :(
watching | nothing
listening to | nothing
eating | had wholewheat crackers last
drinking | hmm tink gna make myself some kunyit asam now
reading |
1.
our looks, our lives by nancy friday (harper)
2.
the amazing true story of a teenage single mom by katherine arnoldi (hyperion)
3. teen love on relationships by kimberly kirgerger (hci teens)
4. the perfectly contented meat-eater's guide to vegetarianism by mark warren reinhardt (continuum)
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -
That myth is more potent than history.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts -
That hope always triumphs over experience -
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death.
~ Robert Fulghum
If you think your love would not be welcomed do not voice it. For it be slient it
can be endured, and guarded, like a flame.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Its best to not ask the questions of answers u dont wanna know,
or answers which u know will only bring u pain.
~ me
sometimes you just have to learn to let things go.
its hard.
you let go though.
don't dwell on something until it eats you away. try to see people in the now,
and what they mean. not by things they've done in the past.
~ rola
Love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can't live without.
Someone you fall head over heels for. Find someone you can love like crazy,
and will love you the same way back. Listen to your heart. No sense in life
without this. To make the journey without fallin deeply in love, you haven't
lived a life at all. You have to try, because if you haven't tried, then you
haven't really lived.
~ from "Meet Joe Black"
Every place you land in life has a reason and a lesson.
~ Tori Amos
One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.
The first step to finding love is to look inside yourself for it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
courage to change the things i can, n wisdom to know the difference.
Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think
The greatest power we have is the power of choice. It's an actual fact that if you've
been moping in unhappiness, you can choose to be joyous instead and by effort,
lift yourself to joy. If you tendto be fearful, you can overcome that misery by
choosing to have courage. Even in the darkest grief you have choice. The whole
trend and quality of anyone's life is determined in the long run by the choices
that are made.
~ Norman Vincent Peale
If you have the courage to love, you survive.
~ Maya Angelou
We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it in the full.
~ Marcel Proust
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
~ Bertrand Russell
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