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Saturday, March 8 [ posted @ 11:53:00 PM ] pv damn tatto rang me this am but i dint hear the fone ring..n the stupid thing was, i delib put the fones ringer vol on max last nite b4 bed, coz i know he usu rings on sunday mornings when the bitch is off to church...damn. i hate this. its not fair :( in a cranky mood now...dunno when we ll talk again, probly in april coz march is a bad month to b together, w wat happ last yr at this time..the whole cheating incident, hospital event, etc etc. shittttt. fuck this....y does evything have to b so hard.... # [ posted @ 10:30:00 AM ] pv im sleepy. so tired..the past 2 nites ive bn dozin off while watchin tv....hvent bn in the mood to come online to blog or chat..i told tatto the other day im gna b offline to sort out some stuff. the last time i told him this, id met roque..i barely logged on n for 2 mths i was tatto-free. he tried ringin, n of cos i wud ignore his calls...from wat his friend told me, he went mad durin this time n lost his mind. im too xhaustd to talk abt this..tink im gna zzZz now. i plannd to go to the lib tomorw, but ive already renewd my bks on the net, so no need to bother..im way too buggered neway. tomrow im gna sleep all day..this wk has bn rough....sigh. ve got so much to do. but my eyes r hurtin real bad... zzZzz feelin stuffed up too, bcos i miss tatto i guess..we spoke yest in the afternoon n i loved it. i got soppy n told him i missed him, yes sue me - i got emo..i know i know i shudnt fall apart on him in this way, but i cudnt help it...i jst had to let him know tht i still tink of him n tht i still love him. once again, the balls in his court..since im gna b off the pc for a while, itll b up to him to call me whnever he feels like it. i know im a loser..wat to do. im a sucker for tatto..always ve bn, always will b. yawnnnn.. shit im so knackered. # Friday, March 7 [ posted @ 9:25:00 AM ] pv im sleepy..but my rms in a big mess. argh. tink will write AS an email tonite...whn i stop to tink abt him i start to cry sometimes. i hope he ll do ok..i hope he always looks after himself, n i hope god watches over him 24/7. i hope hes happy...i want evything gd to happen to him...i hope we always remain friends... # [ posted @ 5:11:00 AM ] pv men. when i look at my life i c that my lifes being ruled by them. evything abt this blogs abt men, men n more men..roque..stan..tatto...AS..hello, my life is not so interesting altho frm the looks of this blog it seems tho as if it is, i know...i ve more guy friends than girlfriends..hm actualy i dont ve friends, period. jst veni i guess..um. lets c..well i ve acquaintances i guess. but im closer to guys, in the sense tht they know more abt me n we always ve deep talks, soul-sharin type conversatns. i tink i get along w guys better..most girls r intimidatd by me, or i find em irritatin n annoyin. boys r less pretentious, more earthy, more simple to read n understand n talk to. hmm..girls r always hidin smth. now, joren: i ve bn tinkin of him since i woke up...lets c, whn roque n i were together joren wud talk to me, phaps out of respect for roque or mebe it was jst plain curiosity: after all ive bn hangin out at chasers for 5,6 yrs now n nobody knows nethin abt me nor veni, coz we always keep to ourselves. well guys ve always tried to pick us up but me n veni r never out for tht, their flirtatns r usu met w a polite but obvious brush off (ie, phy distancin ourselves frm em, ignorin em, "im sorry, ive got a bf", we act disinterestd till they get offended n leave heh)..if we like a guy n we tink hes worth dancin w, thts all we do..dance. if we re drunk, well theyre lucky n we ll dance w em, make em feel like theyve jst won the lottery. n if we re real drunk, we dance dirty n slutty, n mebbe let em dance real close to us. n theyre the envy of evy guy in the bar, i promise u heheh...but theres never, ever ne xchange of bodily fluids, n thers never ever intimate touchin (only waist, shoulders allowed). i gues me n veni come across as intimidatin, too tuff/rough to handle..basd on how we dance, we like to play w each other n whn we re in a playful mood we like barstools n poles n even the wall lol. neways, we r pretty much reg customers, yet we ve never given out our real names...n whn roque n i were datin i even had a fake name (at his suggestn)..neway bk to joren, he of course, like evyone else there, knew of the terrible consequences tht wud likely befall him if he did so much as smile at me - roque was xtremely protective of me, n he was notoriously known for his crazy/madman streak in him if made upset..therefore whn roque n i were together, ppl were even more cautious, i was untouchable..i remm once he had a huge fight w one of his friends nick coz he dancd w me, thing was i was the one who askd him to dance, i remm roques words to him were 'u have nethin to do w her n her best friend, u answer to me'..whnever his own friends talkd abt me frm within a distance (ie pointin), n they askd roque abt me - havin no clue watsoever tht i was goin out w him - he wud give em this death stare n he d coldly n quietly say "shes my gf", n the conversatn wud stop there n there was no more smilin for the rest of the nite. so whn roque introducd me to joren he askd the usual, where im from, how come i dont speak tag, my family name etc. (later on roque got pissd off at me for talkin to him)...its weird talkin to n facin these ppl, havin this status as 'roques gf'..havin ppl fear u/respect u at the same time..after bein somewat of a known but mysterious/reclusive regular patron for so many yrs..hahah, all of a sudden i was given preferential treatment there, had the best seats, got free drinks, i had access to the employees hangout place..mind u i was always ard the band, the employees, waiters n bartenders but nobody was 'permitd' to speak w me..which bothered me at first but later i was ok... jst b4 roque left for the usa he said to me "i want them all to treat u w respect, even whn im gone...so u n veni come here netime u want..trust me, they ll look out for u..if they respect me, they ll respect u too, no question"...there was smth abt his presence, roque always commanded quiet respect (in a gd way). n coz of my associatn w him i was greetd w the same kind of respect..neway since he left ppl still know me as roques girl n look at me funny, i gues some of em dont know that we re not together nemore or mebe they do know we re not together but r afraid of datin me coz theyre afraid of him...hm watever the case, i know they know who i m so theyve nev dared come up to me..i mean guys who arent reg patrons there get friendly w us, but the regs? n esp if theyre fil? not a chance heh..wat more now, i still ve an associatn w roque, n they they dunno if hes comin bk or not so theyre even more wary of me... veni n i have always had a neutral rel w the bands..a quick smile here n there, nothin further. they dont know our names, we dont say hi/bye..we jst smile whn theyre on stage n sometimes they ll ve a quick chat where they will never not ask "where r u frm?" coz we speak in engl, n then the obligatory "how come u dont speak in tag?" qstn..blah. we know theyre v curious abt us, n whn we re drunk they take adv n dance w us (when veni n i r sober we only dance w each other)....we dont mind coz theyre v hot..yea we also know theyre all married so we dont touch, nor do we let em touch..heh the last time we were realy hammered n this guy kept wantin to get it on w veni, apprently i said to him "go away, ure married" n then veni followed suit "go away ure married" n he said "ok im going away, im married" lol, i dont remm this happ n i certainly dont remm havin said such a thing but she swore i did..hahahah..but its nice how they always smile at us whn theyre performin, esp whn we re dancin sultry..well last nite the place was empty for a while so veni n i livened things up, we ended up bein pickd up by a nepalese chick, she got us drinks n she tried to get her bros to dance w us but they were afraid i tink. hmm later joren poppd up frm nowhere n startd dancin w me, nother band was on stage playin at the time n they gave him a sneer...i dont tink ive seen joren dance in all the yrs we ve bn goin there, or i never cared to notice i guess..but it was sweet of him to come over, he let me dance dirty w him but nothin too dirty...im like "yessss, the roque connectn has been broken" lol, i felt 'released' n free... 2 straight nites of wild partyin n hard drinkin..the nite b4 i went w AS there as well, for old times sake..we had a great time, i gues coz we re officially friends now n hes fully acceptd that we re broken up, i cud realy chill w him n not ve to worry abt not hurtin his feelings nemore, like not wantin to hold his hand whn we re dancin, or not bein affectionate w him etc... im sure he had a gd time too, he lookd happy...i got pickd up by 3 sep women lol, me n this jap chick realy dancd up the storm..until her bf came to take her away hahah... the past 2 nites ive slept barely cpl hrs, its bn a real emotional roller coaster ride..all the crying n talkin w AS, the long days n even longer nites...sayin gdbye..comin to terms w the fact tht chances r that we ll nev c each other again...we both had our say: i said sorry n thank u mostly..for him, he jst wants me to b happy he said..n he askd me to treat myself rite n never let myself b hurt, by me or other ppl...he said he ll ve found true happiness if he sees me truly happy...he said so much, there was so much to take in..totally heavy stuff...but at least hes movin on, im happy hes happier now..he seems ready to take on the world again, n i pray n hope he makes it..n i pray n hope the nex girl he goes out w, she s the total opposite of me..i want the perfect male to ve a perfect girl. AS is the most decent person ull ever meet, evyone i know feels this abt him. hes perfect...but i hurt n abused n used him.... veni got in trouble w her dad coz we stayed out till 6..n at work she was so stoned n she lookd so sick her boss sent her home hahhaa...hm i spoke to tatto today n we had a great laugh, i told him i missed him a lot, tht hes bn so bz lately we dont talk nemore...he seems to b doin ok, we both r doin ok too. we dont speak to each other much nemore, but whn we do its fun...i dont know wat we re abt, im still v affectionate w him, n he likes it (jst today he askd me to call him by watever term of endearment i used to use whn we were together)...actualy i calld him whn i got home, drunk n all...i rang again in the afternoon to ask him if i said nethin stupid, coz i dint/dont remm nothin..he had gd fun laughin at me, we talkd n laughd...i told him i wasnt gna b online much, coz i wana b away frm the pc for some time... whoa this has bn a totally irrelevant n boring post. gettin hungry. brrrrrr its shit cold now, its 12c outside i tink. hm lemme check hotmail, c if stans written. since ive already talkd abt tatto, AS, roque...now stans turn, lol i shud b gettin my bellybutton piercd nex wk, w veni # Thursday, March 6 [ posted @ 9:48:00 PM ] pv i am still vomiting blood. hmmm n need to spew some more. yowww my head hurts # [ posted @ 9:38:00 PM ] pv very very hung over. very very.need to go to work soon but also need to throw up, n sleep. joren danced with me. hes quite cute..thank god he broke it. he broke the unspoken 'no go' barrier roque had put up when him n i were together. it was always like "come within 100m of this girl n ure dead". but last nite he went up to me n we bumped n grinded. hahaha..the bands guitarist n moi. vewy cool. he smelled good too, wonder wat aftershave he was wearing. # Tuesday, March 4 [ posted @ 9:29:00 PM ] pv rest in peace dv8. i was jst tinkin of u today n i wrote someone abt u, tellin him of ur act of heroism, ur kindness, ur grace, ur goodness. i have all ur words of wisdom still n i try to live up to wat u tried so hard to do: to live happily n love god n myself. n most importantly, to hve faith in ppl n believe in their goodness. i am sorry i failed u. but i will try everyday to live the way u wanted me to. i am sorry i never got to thank u for everything uve ever done for me. most of all, i m sorry i was not there for u...i am sorry i did not help u. i am sorry u were alone n in pain. i am so so sorry. # [ posted @ 10:22:00 AM ] pv So many unfinished things I longed to do with you, so many unfulfiled dreams to make real with you. Then there are the littler things: unsaid things, unsent cards..all long buried but never forgotten. When we're together I have regrets we didn't make it. I hate that we could've succeeded, but it was me who failed. It was me who led to our breakup. I am very sorry things ended this way. It's so easy to fool or delude oneself. I did that plenty of times for a very long time with you. My own lies to myself became truths. I started to believe my lies. Whatever made life easier for me. Whatever made me happier (or, so I thought). Distractions. I kept distracting myself from our real issues we had to confront, and deal with. You tried so hard, yet I wish you'd tried harder to make me see that we *had* to fix the gaping hole in our relationship before it got any bigger. God knows anyone in your shoes would've give up eons ago. But you and your love and support were steadfast, unwavering. Damn, why didn't you push just a little harder. Because I'd resent you more, you're right. You didn't lose me - I'd lost myself way before, without knowing. I realise now how much I put you through - my sickness, disease destroyed us, and worse, destroyed you. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am even sorrier that you were right the whole time, yet at that time I hated it whenever you diagnosed me as sick and tried to help. You were at a dead end, no matter what you did, what you said - I hated it. In my eyes, you were wrong, wrong, wrong. In fact, you were right the whole time, all the way. Maybe we weren't meant to be. But I'm grateful we had many wondeful years together. Those days were pure heaven. I've never really felt good/intelligent enough for you, and guess what? I'm convinced now more than ever that I'm right. You deserve someone who treats you right and loves you right. I hope you never meet someone like me. I am so thankful you were my first everything, in some aspects you'll always be my only. One thing's for sure, I don't think I'll ever meet anyone as understanding, patient, caring and tolerant. I know you loved me like anything, and you gave me your all. Thank you. I will never forget what we shared, and I'm so grateful for having you in my life, for the role you played in my life. Please be good to yourself, please remember you deserve nothing but the best in everything, so don't ever sell yourself short. I love you for so many reasons, and always will. Please take care, and again, thank you for everything. Thank you for loving Jinn the way you loved me too. # Monday, March 3 [ posted @ 11:24:00 PM ] pv i finaly weatherd under the lure of it, n smsed tatto..i cudnt hold it in ne longer...my mantra had been "hes off to get married to her n if u sms her ure makin a huge ass of urself" for many days, in a last ditch attempt to maintain my dignity n not succumb to lettin him know that i was missin his presence, tht i was waitin for him in our room, tht i was realy dyin to chat w him.... so i did it..jst secs b4 i was abt to take off to walk jinn, i wantd to get it over n done w..i typed out a quicky: "hp tings r gd ur end n tat u r taking care"..there - it was neutral, w no hint of ne desperatn..it was confident, succinct..i thought it was pretty gd..im jst gna press 'send' then forget all abt it, pretend n lie to myself tht i did no such thing...no one will know abt it. shhhhhhh. so i pressd 'send'..n stil holdin my cell in my hand, n watched the bar thing on the screen fill up..."sending" it said....then my cell startd to shake......WTF??!!! did i stupidly send the msg to myself in my nervousness n anxiety??? hmmmmm.. "1 message received" i pressed "open". click. "how hv u been? Hope uve consulted e doctor." holy shit! we were sendin msgs at the same time n we were certainly typin at the exact same time too!!! i blinked my eyes..i cudnt blieve it! wat r the chances???? i dint believe it...i chkd the time, shockd byond belief. my cell shook again. "1 message received" open - click - "Jesus christ! I was sending u e msg while yr msg was sent thru" this was totally crazy. in the whole of 2003 we ve sent mebe 3 smses to each other in all...so this exact timing was freaky. within cpl secs he was in our room...obviously as stunned as i was. [private] Guest:tuuthy speaks privately: what e hell [Private] You say to Guest:tuuthy: yea... [Private] You say to Guest:tuuthy: i wasnt sure if mebe u were a realy fast typist [private] Guest:tuuthy speaks privately: i tot i sent it to myself [Private] You say to Guest:tuuthy: uhuh i was stunnd too a sign. its a sign.... thank god i followed my instincts n sent tht sms. thank god i followed my heart.... we were tinkin of each other. we r thinkin of each other. god moves in mysterious ways..all u need is to trust urself....the heart never lies. # [ posted @ 8:29:00 PM ] pv  Outcast What Kanji word best suits you? brought to you by Quizilla # [ posted @ 8:28:00 PM ] pv does nebody know the title/artist of this song? last night last night i watched you sleep as you layed there i dropped to my knees and said a prayer i leaned over softly to kiss your beautiful face but i could not cross the ocean of your grace the moonlight held you aloft, a picture of peace the only sound was the soft breeze from the east my heartbeat down in my chest to the rhythm of your gentle breath and the whole world calmed down for this moment of the rest now i'm.. im standing above you trying so hard not to tell you i love you and all that i want in this world is you if you'd only wake up you'd know it i was true oh baby i love you can be so hard to say especially if meant in this strong a way but at his moment while you lie asleep im suddenly free and my trembling arms reach out for you as if you could see now im..im standing above trying so hard not to tell you i love you and all that i want in this world is you if you'd only wake up you'd know it was true if you'd only wake up you'd know it was true # [ posted @ 4:09:00 PM ] pv and i miss tatto really bad :(( # [ posted @ 4:08:00 PM ] pv its gloomy n dark n looks like its gna rain hard later i feel down n in the pits i wana go under my blanket n sleep until tomorrow but i have work till 7 today, then dinner w veni at 7.30, then that movie date at 10.00 im weepy n sad i want today to disappear i want to disappear :( # [ posted @ 12:18:00 PM ] pv i re-read my post frm a while ago n i sound v pathetic n loser like..but in the true spirit of blogging, ill resist deletin it altho i feel compelld to..it defeats the purpose doenst it? so fire away, laugh at my xpense n mock me..blah. wats new... gna get some shuteye..i did nothin for tomrows class, i tink the kids not to mentn my boss will b v v disapointd...gulp. i feel all alone..why? oh yea..bcos i m alone. im such a failure even i disappoint myself. blah..... # [ posted @ 10:36:00 AM ] pv fuck, i tink im dpressed again # [ posted @ 9:33:00 AM ] pv 2nite was the last episode of ally mcbeal here..yea yea i know its already bn axd in the us..neway josh groban made a cameo appearance, sigh i knew frm the start whn i saw his name on the credits it was gna b a sad episode...coz whn it first aired in sing, tatto told me abt it..was last yr whn we both were still together..so needless to say whn he sang that song towards the end i started to cry...i thought of tatto, i thought of us, i thought of how we were whn we were together..so close n intimate n passionate..its like our hearts beat together then, albeit seperately, but within the same beat, same rhythm...he lived for me n i lived for him...we were one person, one soul in 2 bodies..sigh. was really sad...i was tinkin at the start of the episode that phaps i shud switch the tv off coz i knew it was gna bring flashbacks of us n tht it wud likely upset me n make me cry...'u re still u' is one of "our" songs, in fact...double whammy :( :( :( really wish we were together, mebe in nother world we ll b together..i know we cant ever b together in this world..but mebe in some other life? since we partd ways ive been dead, my lifes been so empty n so devoid of meaning..my life feels like a doughnut - theres a big hole/nothing-ness in the center..seems life is just existence for me rite now, since tatto n i split up..he was the center of my universe, my life..he made me so happy, he made me appreciate life n bein alive n evy little thing in tween..now its jst job, work, stress, money..so shallow..im so shallow..i yearn to b how i used to b b4...i was the luckiest girl in the world coz tatto loved me..i had his love n thts all i needed..every wakin day was a glorious occasn, coz i knew i had his heart.... mom said no to the puppies idea...i was very upset at tht too, n i spent the whole nite by myself in my rm...i wana talk to veni abt moving out, she shud know smth coz her cousin just movd out in dec for cheap...i def wana b on my own if my folks dont intend to get nother dog when jinn leaves us...i already told my mom this, i said no matter wat, i will get nother dog..n shes tryin to put me on a guilt trip "u know u shudnt tink of replacing jinn" n i yelled at her n said that i was NOT replaceing her, i told her tht i jst know i need animals in my life n whn jinn goes i wana ve somthin to hold on to, to keep my sanity...i will probly die w her if theres no other dog around...fuck my mom, i hate her today..i hate wat she tried to do today..bloody tried to make me feel bad for wantin to get a dog...i swear to god im gna go mad if jinn goes, i jst want to b able to divert my grief elsewhere whn tht happs to make it easier for me..finaly i said to mom "all the more reason i gta move out"..wasnt a threat at all, it was a statement...if theyre not gna let me get a dog even after jinn goes, well fuck them..im gna live hand to mouth on my own, w 1, 2 or even 3 dogs i dont care..i jst want to ve some babies ard me..shit im gna cry...fuck this. first tatto then this. i hvent done jack for tomrows class either..sigh. i feel sick n drained..i wana cuddle up to someone n cry myself to sleep........ i think i wana stare at the walls for a while, n whn ive sobered up ill work on tomorws class...i ve to b up at 7, coz i gta leave by 8 by the latest. i paid my cellfone bill today, so thats one accomplishment for today..i feel so proud of myself..not oh god im pathetic.... # Sunday, March 2 [ posted @ 11:44:00 PM ] pv time to get goin....my face is like the surface of the moon, mst b the meds fuckin up my pituitary gland which in turns fuckin up my hormones..cant wait till class is over...i jst remm today is payday so thts smth to look fwd to heh, altho tomorw i got lotsa bills to pay...hmm i m feelin gd rite now, the shower did me some good...whn i get bk i ve tomorws class to prepare for :( but heck im gna worry abt tht tonite still i hvent spoken to tatt in 2 wks...i m startin to miss him like mad, n a while ago i thought i was gna break down n sms him, tell him that i was missin him...mebe hes out of town w that bitch, mebe they got married already blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh # [ posted @ 9:39:00 PM ] pv this new audioblog thing bloggers come up w is spookey...i jst heard my first on this guys site n..it really is spooky..basicaly its a recordin of a persons voice, like a voice diary entry..u use ur cell fone to make an entry, as in u dial a no. n make a recording n then voila a link appears on ur blog as an audio file, which plays whn u click on it...lo n behold, yet nother useful applicatn made possible by the limitless potential of the humble cell fone n the internet...heavens! is there nethin computers n machines cant do? bloggers offerin a free trial for 3 mths, thts a pretty gd deal if u ask me..actualy its nifty, i wudnt mind havin a go at it xcept of course, that i have a annoyingly metally-screechy voice, plus i tink its too close for comfort for me..wat nex, vidblogs? hahehhe gta prepare for class now, gulp i ve abt 20mins # [ posted @ 7:45:00 PM ] pv i feel lethargic n tired..im woried abt my teeth/gums coz theyre always bleedin...its got me so freakd out ive startd takin my vits again...actualy i dunno y i stoppd, i jst kept forgettin i spose..i cant tink of ne other reason y my mouth wud bleed other than vit deficiency, so hopefuly evythings ok..ok ok i promiseee to keep takin my vits, now plss dont bleed nemore?...im also gna try n drink milk (soy, duh) evyday, twice a day even! jst so they dont bleed nemore...it realy scares the livin daylite outta me whn i gurgle in the mornin or whn i brush my teeth n i spit out blood...the other nite dad askd me if it was wise to keep at this vegan diet, coz it was takin ages for me to recover frm the flu/fever thing n he also knew that my throat was bleeding (another story - in short i suspect the constant coughin left a um, scratch, on my windpipe or smth n it got so abrased the wound started to bleed)...i know tht im probly not gettin enuff/the rite kind of nutrients for my body to function normally, hey 2 yrs of veganism is likely to take its toll by now eh...n nother 2 yrs of vegetarianism b4 that..sigh, but i jst dont know wat to do or where to start...phaps i shud c a nutritionist but shit is tht really necessary? there r plenty of vegans in the world n im pretty certain not many of em have a nutritionist...i mite end up a v yng lady w no teeth, at the rate im goin..aaaaargh..not funny. wat to do? hmm...i mite email my vegan subscriptn list members for help on this one today will b a bz day...stil gta prepare for todays class n then whn i get bk tonite, prepare for tomorws class...so much thinkin to do: book jinn for her accupuncture session (but when?? since im workin tuesday mornings now), pick up her meds (when? weds morning seems like the only day left), get more job apps done (coz im really really sick of teachin), talk to tatt abt stuff i gta send over (its gna hurt :( ...), head down to the library (sigh...when??)...uknow for the first time in my life i feel stressed. ive nev bn stressed abt work or school b4..ive always thought it was a waste of time...but u realy hve no choice when it hits u do u? tomorw veni n i r seein daredevil...heavens, y daredevil? i rather c chicago or zhou yus train..i gta try to get her to c chinese flicks w me someday..she likes hollywood 'blockbuster' type movies too much. id rather go w o them...hmm on a related note, its cool we re doin non-clubbing/drinking-related activities together tho hahaha...ve known her 6 or 7 yrs now n this is only our 2nd movie together...but wait, she wants to go out clubbing soon ;) phaps nex sat...this wud b sad to admit, but ive nev had a best friend b4..so havin someone to do all sorts of things w - stupid, not so stupid things - is fun..someone i can go shoppin w, do chores w, have a cpl drinks w, c movies w whever i want to..i jst pik up the fone n shes there...best of all she doesnt judge me n accepts me for who i m, w my many many faults n all..plus she can keep many a secret..trust is a major thing w me... ohwell hugs for veni =) tink wil walk jinn now # [ posted @ 12:03:00 PM ] pv gna shutdown n zzZzz..after readin the classifieds in bed...tomrow got some backbreakin stuff to finish off, hopefuly i manage to get up in the mornin nite # [ posted @ 12:01:00 PM ] pv eh...i tink im in lurveeee..teeheee # [ posted @ 11:18:00 AM ] pv theres simply too much to do n so little time..ive bn on my feet all day, yet my heads crammd w stuff i gta get done asap..rite now my head hurts..i dont tink ive fully recoverd, so my brains tellin me to go to bed...but i stil wana scour the classifieds, i stil wana wrap my books, n i also wana file/organize all my teachin material...mebe i overdid tings today..actualy i dont care coz at least i got some things done...hard to blieve the wkends over n tomrows the start of yet nother crappy workin wk...w the new job this means i gta wake up early on tues too, in addition to thurs n sats which really sux :( but it does mean xtra money which is wat i need rite now, given moms bday n mom/dads weddin anni in jst a cpla wks time..this mth i wana find a real job coz april is gna b a real shit mth for me..the secrets out: its that bitchs bday tht month, on that day tatto also slept w her..this was the start of my downward spiral into hell n bk..n hell n bk again..over n over...ultimately this led to my (2nd) suicide attempt....this event (her bday/whn tatto cheated on me w her) will never b forgoten n i know i m scarred forever....whn i need convincin tht im better off w o tatto all i gta do is tink of this, n not only do i wana throw him outta my life, but i wana go over there n beat the crap outta him (n then rip off his fingernails one by one, b4 hangin him by his balls)...but i try not to let hatred consume me, i dont want to waste my time hatin nebody..esp someone i loved so much, someone i lived for, breathed for....well actualy as mentiond i do hate one person in this world like nobody else n thats the bitch...but mind u, the hatred i ve for her pales in comparison to the intensity of hurt my heart feels whn i tink of wat happ...if theres ne thought in the universe i try my best to avoid, its tis..it just hurts so much, it fuckin hurts...my heartbeats accelerates, my head starts to numb w the constant pain, tears begin to well up n evy bone in my body is bitter n resentful of the world, n i wana hate, hate n hate evybody........i swear i cud hurt myself n not even know it...... i wana b kept bz as much as poss in april..if it were poss id like to b away, in some godforbidden place where nobody knows me, where i cud do smth stupid, n phaps, at the end of the day, cry until i hve no more tears left inside my body..i want to get drunk n cry..i want to break glass, throw objects evywhere, punch the wall, bang my head on the table...until the day passes..n the nex day evything will b gone, n life is normal again...i jst want to not remember..but how can i?..i want to forget..i want to press the del button in my memory bank n forget tht tht day ever happ...i want that day to b blacknd out, to not exist.....as i write this i want to break smth, preferably that bitchs neck..ohgod how cud neone hate someone this much...i despise her to the v core....i wish she were gone..i wish she dint exist...more so, i wish i cud get over it..but i cant n i know i never will...... # [ posted @ 10:47:00 AM ] pv  Your Heart is Black What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by Quizilla heavens. # [ posted @ 10:44:00 AM ] pv  #41 What Dave Matthews Song Are You? brought to you by Quizilla # [ posted @ 9:08:00 AM ] pv i miss kitty rite now :( rip sweetie..i never not think of u # [ posted @ 9:05:00 AM ] pv i m seriously thinking of gettin 2 puppies..but i jst talkd to dad abt it n hes adamantly against the idea...he says its too hard ("remmber how westie died?"), plus if we re movin appts in the nex cpl mnths he said itll b tough findin a place coz many landlords dont want pets..i argued tht we still have jinn so we gta find a place which allows pets neway, so wats nother 2 dogs? hmm he said he wants a cheaper, smaller place n we jst mite not ve the space nor money for 3 dogs... i was walkin jinn jst now n i met this cpl jst cpl meters away frm my hse..they re the ones who actualy got me tinkin abt gettin the dogs, they said they know a security guard for a constructive site in meifoo w a family of abandoned puppies, barely a month old n in desperate need of homes..damn i wish i cud adopt them all :( apprntly there r 5 of them in total, they said smth abt nother puppy gettin run over by a truck n i tink their mom got stolen...the secu guard is feedin em scraps of food but wants em out of his hands...sigh....if i cud move out on my own tomorw id do it, n take all 5 puppies w me..since dad doenst want the pups...the cpl said to tink abt it quick coz the guard mite give em away to jst nebody n god only knows if these ppl realy want the pups as pets..this is stupid to say but i feel these pups lives r in my hands n im so desp to save them all.... ive always intended to get kittens once jinn leaves, i miss havin cats so much tht i pet watever kitty that crosses my path...well ideally i want both pups n kittens, first kittens coz i dint tink id b ready to 'replace' jinn so soon..but now im tinkin it doenst matter which first...if i get these pups then within cpl mnths im still def gna adopt kittens...i jst know my life wud b so empty w o ne 4 legged creature scamperin abt, so i dont c y i shudnt adopt these constructn site pups now ..i mean the opportunity is there now, wat m i waitin for? i dont work full time (yet) so id b able to give em all my time/attn...n realy, if jinn goes n dad doenst let me get kittens/pups im gna throw a hissy fit..he damn well knows i was born to ve pets n he damn well knows that lookin after em is like 2nd nature to me..so i damn well hope he doenst forbid me frm gettin pups/kittens coz there is no chance in hell im gna not ve pets in my life...my life wud b meaningless n empty w o them.... n if this bcoms a sticky point then i will b happy to move out, if only so i can surround myself w them..pets r a big part in my life n my sanity...evyone who knows me knows id readily put their lives ahead of mine, ive nev failed in my resp as a pet guardian n that ive always given em first-rate treatment n care... im not gna let tis issue slide..will talk to mom abt it tomorw # [ posted @ 5:01:00 AM ] pv how did a quick trip to town for some chores turn into a 2 hr shoppin fest hehehe...had fun tho, n i got evything done...towards the end i startd to get a migraine, i tink coz hunger finally got the better of me, n thirst as well....i still hvent had nethin to eat or drink..after bloggin im gna cook some ramen i gues..i got home at 8, n malcolm in the middle was on so i watchd that n here i m bloggin stuff in my shoppin bag: * cucumber mask pack (?? - worth a try i guess, it was for cheap) * nivea eye make up remover * blistex lip cream (was runnin out neway) * neutrogena light night cream (um..impulse buy) * lux moisturizing shower cream (luv the smell) * fat journal notebook (been scourin the whole hk for this for mths!) * sanitary napkins (x2 - a girl can never have enuff) * black tote bag (impulse buy..it was cheap neway) * book: "just what ive always wanted" - susannah constantine & pia marocco (was on sale but i wudve paid up to 3 times the amt i did) * cotton pads (cheapest i cud find heh) * vaseline intensive care hand&nail cream (tried n tested...non greasy n really works) * nivea firming lotion (i use either this or vaseline dry skin lotion) * 2 tins of pedigree dog food (beef flavor..jinn hates chiken) sigh..ive yet to clean my rm n tink of wat to teach the kiddos tomorw..wana eat first tho, im starvin...mebe ill wrap my bks tonite hmm # [ posted @ 12:52:00 AM ] pv i have so many chores to get done today..ive bn lettin things slide since tuesday, whn work stress struck n eventualy i got sick..my rm looks like a warehse n im afraid of touchin or movin things for fear that large insects will crawl out n attack n consume me..i woke up not too long ago, at abt 4pm..ya i know thts obscenely unacceptable but im still under the effects of the meds plus sundays r the only days i can sleep for as long as i want...i feel 6 days ve escapd me, n now i feel left bhind..the world turns w or w o u, no matter wats happenin to u..so let this b a lesson to keep chuggin, even if it hurts to move on...sad n dpressd ppl like to stop doin things n pretend tht life has stalld for em, tht somehow things will improve whn theyve stoppd living..i tink not only r we too tired n disillusned to get things done - we r also prayin a miracle will take place n tht someone will c our pain n stop to help us in our dpressn...its a cry for help, really. i know we all wana respect the space n privacy of those in the dumps, n we like to tell ourselves "oh well give her/him time, she ll come ard"..the truth is we re either too selfish or uncaring to help, or mebe we dont know how to help so we end up doin nothin..trust me, ive bn there: we do want ur help ..all we re waitin n hopin for is a kind soul to notice us n her/him to offer us their help..sometimes even a hug is all we want, a hug does wonders. thank god i ve jinn, i know i can always go to her for a much needed cuddle or hug... dont b afraid to let em know tht u care, n dont b afraid of bein turnd away at first..n def stick ard even whn we ve told u to get lost...when we c tht we r importnt nuff for someone to stop in her/his tracks then we dont feel so invisible...we mite tell u to fuck off initially, but only coz we want to hear u guys say repeatedly "no, i want to stay n help coz i care" .. n then stay n listen n offer support..do not judge, criticize or offer ur lameass opinions, coz we dont want to hear it. all we want is an ear, the knowledge tht someone cares nuff to listen. shopping list for today: * * * * things to do: * * * file teachin supplements * file bank docs * * prepare for tomorws class * n this wk i def gta give tatt all his stuff...im sure timmys growin by the day n all the clothes ive bought for him may not fit nemore :( okkk...gta get goin, will take jinn out for a walk tonite i mite compile my wishlist..i ve not spoiled myself in wat seems like an entire yr..i wana get a dvd/vcd player, the digicam for my nokia... things to do this wk: * submit course app form/fee for bellydancing lessons * get piercing * pay credit card bill * pay cell fone bill * pay land line * head down to the post office * tink abt wat to get mom n dad * moms bday nex wk..ugh # 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