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Saturday, March 15 [ posted @ 11:34:00 PM ] pv i feel sick to my stomach..leave me alone u ignorant ppl - yes jinn is freakin old n yes she limps n is sick..but shes 14 1/2 yrs old n theres nothin i can do abt it..if it wud make her well again id trade my life for hers, ne sec n w o ne 2nd thought...ive tried so hard to make her better, im doing the best i can...monthy visits to the vets, daily twice-a-day medicatns, accupuncture, boosters, blood test after blood test, my left arm is strained coz i carry her all the time, i never pull her leash or hit her or so much raise my voice at her, even when she pees in the hse, even when she poops in the lift - i never not tell her shes a gd dog n i never not pray that shes not in pain..i dont want to prolong her life nemore if all shes feelin rite now is pain n suffering..i can handle the physical stress, the physical effects her being sick has taken on my body...the tiredness, the 1 hr walks twice a day..the pain in my left arm...continuously makin sure shes got food n water in her bowls..rushin bk n forth to n from work to walk her, feed her, b with her..not eatin tween classes coz i walk her n feed her instead..the phy toll all this is takin on my body is tolerable, bearable....i can deal w the dizziness, sheer xhaustn..but mentally, i m at breaking point. the heartache at the thought of her nearin the end of her life...the planning, the preparations i ve had to force myself to tink abt n do: her cremation, gettin emer nos ready, saving up the money for ne emer visits to the vet, medicines, watever...not to mention seein her in the state shes in rite now - haggard, old, weak..i hate seein her this way..sleeping all the time, too old n weak to go to her food bowl..the way she stops evy few seconds when we re out walkin, so she can rest n catch her breath..the fur thats falling from evywhere on her body...her limping which is only gettin more profound by the day...how she falls flat on her face n nose coz shes so weak to walk..she stumbles constantly, falls here n there...at times she cant even sit coz her hind legs r so weak...i dont mind carrying her but i know she hates bein carried coz she tries to bite my head off when i bend over to lift her..i dont want her to b unhappy w me..i hate havin to carry her coz she hates it..but i cant stand to c her fall all over the place when we re out...n YOU STUPID PPL STOP POINTING N STOP LOOKING AT ME N HER. THE WAY SOME OF U STOP IN UR TRACKS JST TO STARE AT US HURTS. i know she wont last that long..im afraid to take her to the vet coz she mite b put down there n then the way kitty was....i m not ready..i dont know if i shud go alone or w someone...i dont know who i shud call now to tell em that shes at the end of her days n that they need to say gdbye....i cant tink w o crying who i shud ask for help to help me ring up the cremation ppl, to arrange for pick up of her body at the vets...i dont know how to tell my bosses now that i mite ve to take sudden leaves of absence soon, coz my dog is dying...i dont know how to talk to nebody abt this....i tink i wana b alone when its time to c her go, but at the same time i dont tink thatd b the smartest ting to do...i tink i want to b alone for many days, drinking until ive puked my guts out, until ive collapsed into unconscienceness..until it hurts enough physicaly for me to have to seek medical help...i tink i want to run away, n not deal w ne human being..i jst want to b on my own, grieve for her, tell god to look after her n tell her that i hope to c her when my time has come..tell her that i loved her w all my heart n i tried evything to make her better again. tell her thank u for blessing me w her presence n love, for being the reason of my existence, for being the reason i made it this far...for making me want to b alive, for being my tower of strength n love. i have to do something..i ve to take her to the vet..i have to talk to my bosses...i have to tell myself to b strong..i hve to tell myself that she wudnt want me to b this sad over her..i have to tell myself that she wudnt want me to b hurting myself over her...i know she wud want me healthy n happy. but who or wat is there to live for when she is gone? wat reason is there for me to cont living? wat for? for wat? for whom? # [ posted @ 9:35:00 PM ] pv im up rather early today..need to head to the library to chk out some books for tuesdays class....sigh. wat a way to spend ur sundays...if i had my way id b sleepin till evening! but theres stuff to do, tings i gta get done..dont wana ve a panic attack tomrow rite at the v last minute i had the weirdest of dreams last nite..dreamt of my 3 high school friends, it was so real..it was a sad one tho..was like it was really taking place as i dreamt it...bk in high school it was always the 4 of us - dimp, sony, kan n moi - man, we were tight..so tight evyone at school never not saw us as a quartet..was always dimp-sony-kan-me....for 6 long yrs things were the same, jst us 4..we werent so much famous but we were respectd by the ynger non-chinese ppl there i spose, mbe its coz we were the oldest non-chinese grp who got good grades, who nev got in trouble at school...the other foreign girls older than us were mainly an elite group - they kept emselves totally closd to the rest of us, they were bimbos actualy..i duno abt the others but i dint like em at all neway kan movd to the uk when the whole 1997 thing got blown off to proportn..then sony left for the uk when her green card app from 10 yrs ago came thru...apprnetly one of the conditions was tht they had to move there within a month or 2..then it was jst dimp n me..but i went to sydney soon after, where i stayd abt 18mths...sad to say our promise to each other tht we wud keep in touch n stay the 'four musketeers' forever never happ..there were a few fone calls here n there, but nothin much else..forget letters n emails...i spose there was a misalignment of wat we each were comfy w or capable of - like sony hated emailin, dimp wasnt so fond of it either...kan dint ve a pc at home..whereas me i kept bombarin em w emails but they nev got replied..so i was discouragd n i stoppd writin altogether..whereas we cud always count on dimp to give us a call evy now n then..but i was almost nev home coz i was out w AS all the time...kan rang sometimes too but those fone calls stoppd eventually..i rang em whenver i cud but it was hard coz of the time diff - if i was home i was only home durin the wee hrs, in hk dimp d b sleepin...n sony n kan were inaccessible durin those times coz they were obviously up n ard doin stuff durin the day..blah. n it cost so much callin frm the dorms my end, i had to use the dorms idd system coz the fones were all inhouse or watever, idd calls cost a bomb..there were lots of intl students livin there at the dorm so of course they thought this wud b a gd scheme, to rip us all when i came bk to sydney dimp was too engrossd in her newfound rel to bother w me..nev spent time w her altho sometimes i was lonely as hell...i was alone most of the time, n thank god i found a job real quick...my workin life took over so i dint need a social life so to speak, n durin my spare time after work id go to the gym where i spent a gd 3 or 4 hrs..at least 3 times a wk...i dint ve nebody but it was ok..wasnt at the start but i got used to it.....part of me was angry i spose, the way dimp dint even care to meet up w me say once a fuckin month...yea i was angry for a long time, resentd her for it...neway then AS moved here n life was complete..i felt fulfilld in all aspects of my life: career, personal, family..the social scene for me was beginnin to take off as well, as i got to know ppl via AS..most of em were workmates but no matter, i dint mind hangin out w ppl outside of the type of ppl id normally hang out w...i was so usd to bein w kan, dimp n sony by the time they disappeard i was a social freak, an inept idiot who dint know how to b or act in the presence of strangers...but AS's friends were cool, atho i wud not count em as ever havin been my true friends, they were fun n thats how we 4 r now: distant...kan by far is the least bothered, well u cant blame her i guess...she got engaged almost straight after she movd to the uk..got married within mths, then had a baby...in a way i wish i were her..shes doin v well n is v happy w life, w her fam, w evything..i guess part of it has got to do w the way she is, her personality - shes always bn the 'taker'...she takes watever life throws at her..no bitchin no complainin, no resistance..she adjusts n copes....shes nev bn agressive i guess, i wudnt call her a fighter...shes the type who needs harmony with their environment so she changes herself to suit it...i gues she also nvr realy xpectd much out of life, always clueless as to wat she wantd to get out of it..no real life goals or xpectatns? hmmm sony has since movd bk to hk, coz the guy she married lives here..whoa she is so into her new life it seems shes totally forgotn who she was b4 she got married...its like tht person nev existd...shes always had a gd head on her shouldrs tho, i gues she knows her priorities rite now..n rite now her priorities n loyalty r w her new fam..friends dont seem to b tht imp...no doubt she does her part, she rings n we chat..but its always done at a specific time, n we can nev talk for long...only whn shes alone or when shes not doin nethin she remms we exist i tink? idealy i wana meet up w her n dimp but sony cant leave the hse wkends coz of some unwritten indian rule that says wkends gta b spent at home, w the immediate fam blahh...outrageous if u ask me, but no matter..i dont wana push either dimp or sony to come out on sats or sundays...yea durin the wk is apprently ok, but we cant have dinn coz they have to b at home by 8 or watever stupid curfew..hello, sometimes all this is jst so silly n dumb to me, i dont bother nemore...wat, 3 best friends cant even go out for dinn? for a drink? heavens..i dont want em to keep lookin at their watches when we re out..n wats the point of meetin up for jst 1 hr durin the wk, when we re all so tired from havin jst finishd work n all? i cant win this... i dont call em at all, yes that is true..but only coz we dont spend time together nuff, so theres nothin to talk abt realy, theres no common ground..when we do speak on the fone its more like they say wats goin on their end, n after theyre done i do the same..we dont xchange tots or feelins..we jst have accounts of wats gone on since we last chattd on fone("oh i met a guy, we dated for a while..oh yea i also got a new job" etc)..how boring n meaningless is that? how abt the times i feel like shit n need to spew, can i jst give em a call to rant? of course not..n in my opinion, thts when it realy counts..its bein there at all hrs, no mattr wat...whn we talk on fone its realy jst idle banter....no real depth, no feelings involvd...sucks. n when we do meet up? hmm..its like nothins changd from bk whn we were all in school, to b honest..3 single gals bitchin abt life in general...but then reality hits ya in the face in no time, when they avoid talkin abt certain topics coz its 'too private' or 'too personal' to talk abt w ur friends...there r qstns i wudnt dream of askin em, or things i wudnt even tink of bringin up..thats jst the way it is. so how can there b real friendship when there is no openness or honesty..then it all bcoms a stupid front, an act, a fake thing where we all pretend we re doin the best friends thing, but we know we re not....wat im tryin to say is, u cant b ur real self w these ppl..u cant speak ur real thoughts, share ur real feelings..1. im not comfy coz theyre not close to me nemore 2. i feel altho they ll b open to wat i ve to say, or want to say..i know they wont n cant reciprocate coz they re so secretive, they dont trust me...so i feel im gettin the short end of the stick, tellin em my real problems, sharin w em my real xperiences..the real truth...but i dont get told nothing. its discouraging... neway the dream last nite was we all got together here in hk, had lunch...n i remm kans jst abt to go bk to the uk the nex day...n somehow there r old classmates there too, but they dont know we re there...but wat i remm most is me beggin kan to move bk to hk, w her fam..i kept tellin her how much i missd her n her friendship..pathetic me. i tink dimp n sony were bz doin smth else. all i remm is askin kan to stay here...of course she said no, apologeticaly..blah. neway come to tink of it it was probly jst nothing...dunno, whn i woke up i jst startd to tink of them all, how we ve evolved the past 3 or 4 yrs...its sad. we arent real friends nemore.. # [ posted @ 9:38:00 AM ] pv i still feel for you you do? yea..so u have to hang up real quick, i dont want either of us dwelling on this gdnite baby. speak to u real soon.... # [ posted @ 5:57:00 AM ] pv i hate heidi...stupid slut.. gives all us women a bad name....wat an arrogant, arrogant bitch.."ooooh im so beautiful n everybody is jealous of me, look at me!! me me me!!! i cant help it if im so beautiful!!" pukeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee # [ posted @ 3:37:00 AM ] pv oh boy i m sooooooooo tired # Friday, March 14 [ posted @ 12:38:00 PM ] pv if i disappear into a void, will anybody notice? will nebody care? how many lives will change? will nebody know who i was? will ppl talk abt me? will nebody remember me? for some ppl, lifes just a fleeting moment. one day here, the nex day gone forever..its like they never existed. # [ posted @ 11:27:00 AM ] pv Each flower is a soul opening out to nature. - Gerard de Nerval "...within man is the whole; the wise silence; the universal beauty, to which every part and particle is equally related...And this deep power in which we exist, and whose beatitude is all accessible to us, is not only self-sufficing and perfect in every hour, but the act of seeing and the thing seen, the seer and the spectacle, the subject and the object, is one. We see the world piece by piece, as the sun, the moon, the animal, the tree; but the whole, of which these are the shining parts, is the soul." Ralph Waldo Emerson # [ posted @ 11:03:00 AM ] pv im nibblish so im munchin on some wholewheat bread rite now...organic..egg-free...dairy-free..mom said she personaly spoke to the manager to make sure its vegan. heh..sweet of her. i tink she knows im on a diet..she hasnt askd me coz she knows ill b upset i guess. # [ posted @ 10:07:00 AM ] pv The Philippines: Damaged Culture? East-West Views - E. Wilkinson, P. Suzara (Book of Dreams) Colonel Ken's Hardship Posting Vol. 2 - compiled by S. Lloyd (Captions of Industry Pty Ltd) Bridget Jones's Diary - H. Fielding (Picador) Aromatherapy and Your Emotions: How to Use Essential Oils to Balance Body and Mind - S. Price (Thorsons) Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus - J. Gray (Harper Perennial) The Act of Marriage - T. & B. LaHaye (Zondervan) The Mammoth Book of Historical Erotica - ed. by M. Jakubowski (Robinson) Teach Yourself Bengali: A Complete Course for Beginners - W. Raddice (NTC Publishing Group) 201 Great Questions for Married Couples - J.D. Jones (NavPress) 1001 Ways of Saying I Love You - J. C. Young (National Book Store) Sun Sign Guides: Pisces (Abbeydale Press) Sun Sign Guides: Libra (Abbeydale Press) The Bluffer's Guide: Bluff Your Way in Cricket (Oval Books) Generation Sex - J. Kuriansky (Harper) Hardship Posting - compiled by S. Lloyd (Captions of Industry Pty Ltd) Interpreter of Maladies - J. Lahiri (Flamingo) A Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Treasury: A Special Collection for Newlyweds - R. Carlson (Hyperion) Mars & Venus: 365 Ways to Keep Your Love Alive - J. Gray (Vermilion) Men are From Mars: Understanding the Man in Your Life - J. Gray (Thorsons) Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason - H. Fielding (Picador) My Life on a Plate - I. Knight (Penguin Books) Mars and Venus in Love - J. Gray (Harper Collins) Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul (HCI) Lonely Planet City Guide: Sydney (Lonely Planet) Buddhism - Kulananda (Thorsons) The Little Book Of Love (Penguin Books) Mars and Venus in the Bedroom - J. Gray (Vermilion) Hey, Joe: A Slice of the City - An American in Manila... - T. Lerner (Book of Dreams) How to be a Great Lover - L. Paget (Piatkus) 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You - G. J. P. Godek (Casablanca Press) Living in Love - A. Stoddard (Avon Books) Healthy Eating: Seafood (Women's Weekly) Creative Vegetarian Cooking: Healthy Fast Food (Sanitorium) Healthy Desserts: Healthy Desserts (Women's Weekly) Mince (Women's Weekly) Fast Chicken (Family Circle) Healthy Eating: Fish (Women's Weekly) Fast Pasta (Family Circle) The Well Woman's Self Help Directory - N. Bradford (The Book Company) Lonely Planet Language Survival Kit: Bengali Phrasebook - B. Maity (Lonely Planet) Money Talk: Finance and Investment Terms for Busy People - E. Carew (Allen & Unwin) Asian Secrets of Health, Beauty, and Relaxation - S. Benge (Periplus) # [ posted @ 8:47:00 AM ] pv tonite i opend more boxes n cartons from AS...mom startd whinin abt how i gta clear up the boxes coz theyre takin up too much space in the livin rm....got so much stuff i dunno where to put or keep em..i dont wana throw nethin away, i dont tink i ever will..there r too many memories still...lots of ticket stubs, pamphlets frm museums/theaters, stuff we bought together like candles n things for the hse like letter holders..sigh. i felt sad..at the time i opnd all the boxes i was speakin to veni on the fone n she askd me if i felt nethin for him...i said no, altho i missd him a lot "but not miss him in the sense that i miss his love or i miss loving him...more so i miss his presence".."well then that means tht u guys werent meant to b together" she said...shes rite i spose. then i added that if im missin nebodys love, its tattos not nebody elses "i def feel more love towards tatto than AS" i told her. "yea u said so many times" she replied...this sux, im still not over tatto n hes moved on, n not only that but he seems to b happy..if not, happier than hes ever bn. i wonder if he regrets ever havin met me, if he regrets knowin me n fallin in love w me...i dont wana tink abt this. this is ultra stupid, i keep tellin myself that im not gna tink of him but thats all i do all day. tink tink tink...wonder if hes doin ok, wonder where he is n wat hes doing n with whom. so i went to the demo today..i wasnt so sure abt attending it but yest i was cranky n jst sent the mail to the peta ppl, sayin i was gna b there. so there it was..there was no turnin bk...i got there late coz i slept in, stupid me set the fone to ring at 11.50a n not 10.50a...by the time i got there they were already protesting. goodness. i was not xpectin this..there were 2 chicks in chicken-feather bikinis with stilhettos!, wavin placards saying "KFC tortures chickens" n shouting at the top of their lungs "boycott KFC". boy n the press! loads n loads of em...bloody photographers evywhere, clickin flashin click click...i was terrified. so i went to hide far far away for the first 10mins...meters n meters away frm where they were. shit, i do not want my face plastered all over the papers tomorw...for a few mins i even paced bk n forth, i was nervous as shit. finaly i bit my tongue n went up to the 2 chicken girls: "hello..i emaild u sayin i was gna b here to help u guys out" they were q happy to see me - DUH, no one was there but them two..i thought there d b someone there at least, as in normal regular ppl like me..neway they gave me some leaflets to pass out...she also said to take namecards frm the press, so they know who was there. .i took it from there, it was no problem at all gettin ppl to take the anti-kfc flyers coz they were curious as to y 2 almost naked gorgeous chicks were dressd in chiken feathers in 3inch stilhettos in the freezin cold screamin at full volume...we ran out of flyers within 20mins. then the coppers came by..uh oh. i strayed further..of course gettin in trouble w the law was not my intentn. eventualy one of em spoke to me, askin me if i knew the 2 girls (holly n lisa)..umm i wasnt prepard for this. so i handled it the way i knew best: i bullshittd lol..blew em off babblin some crap like "ahem i dont tink we re breakin ne laws, we re not more than 10 ppl so we dont need permits..so y r u askin me these qstns?" i gta say they were pretty sweet tho, hahaha..even later lisa said she thought he was cute, as in he said to her "please co operate with us" really sweetly..heh. later on one of hks more prominent animal activists droppd by..actualy hes a major supporter of many animal welfare orgs, not so much a vocal animal rights activist...well known in hk, he works in the bkground, not a public figure but widely respectd by both sides..ive bn in his mailin list for a while now, but i met him jst today so that was a treat for me i guess..he stayd abt 20mins then left. the demo went on for abt an hr then we went to starbucks for some coffee.... umm the whole xperience was surreal...i felt so odd, carryin their stuff, talkin to em..ppl crowdin evywhere, pointin n flashin their cams at us..when it was over we headed to the bar where they left their clothes so they cud change, some ppl even follwd us there..sheeeeesh oh sec # [ posted @ 1:00:00 AM ] pv got abt 5 mins to blog b4 i gta leave for work..had a quick bite jst now, a peanut butter+jam sandwich...not my first choice or 2nd or 3rd or even 4th but theres nothin at home at the moment...greatttt count on me gettin a huge zit on my face tomorw..moms gna get smth for me to eat tonite tho so ill eat then...still tryin to shed the lbs, n part of my regime is to skip one meal altogether so thats down to just either lunch or dinn, since i nev have brekkie..i did ve a glass of soy milk tho i went to the peta demo at lunch today, whoa..wat a totally new experience..lots of press! will blog later, i bettr get goin..i gues i was also hopin to catch tatto in the chatrm today but no sign of him :( BUGGER. i hate this, missing him n not bein able to do jack abt it..i jst hope hes ok. i wudnt want him to b in the hosp or nething..i jst want him to b ok. signing off # Thursday, March 13 [ posted @ 6:41:00 PM ] pv im up, my agent rang frm one of my jobs..sayin the toddlers course on tues has bn canceld so i dont gta go bk there nemore...ting is my boss frm tht place rang me yest...he said hes terminatd the cntrs contract w my agent coz they fuckd up an assignment..he stil wants to cont hirin me, in fact he askd if im willin to handle nother class..hm this is gd news i gues, xcept that i find it q hard to teach toddlers n its a lot more work..rite now im stressin over wat to teach em nex tues, sigh...mite go to the lib this wkend to chck out some resources..actualy he said he wanna talk abt a raise (!) coz he feels my agent is payin me too little...hmm n i thought i was bein overpaid! i dont get it...ohwell. wil use the xtra dough to buy stuff for class i guess. the wks gone by so fast, its crazy..i feel ive done so much n done nothin at the same time...sats usu fly by realy quick too, coz im workin all day till evenin then i watch tv frm there..sundays r my only heaven. but this wk im not too sure, if i gta prepare for nex tues toddlers class ok i admit this, as much as i wana not admit it: but fuck, where is tatto??? tmptd to sms him, ask him where the fuck he is..in a nice way of course. no im not mad at him for leavin me in the cold like this, im jst nervous n anxious as a wreck..this uncertainty is killing me sooo slowly, i mean had he told me hes goin away for a while or smth id b fine abt it (i tink)..does he have to disappear on me like this??..he realy knows how to play da game, if hes not in the country i bet hes doin this on purpose..makin me miss him n pine for him...shit, i know this guy so well..hes succeedin at it, mind u...then he ll pop up when im over him, only to reel me in all over again..this guys a master i tell u, hes done this many many times.. fine, i still wont sms him or call him...one of these days im gna break tho. ughhh i hate this feeling..missin him, the rejectn, worryin if hes ok, hate for the b!tch..but envy also....this mixd bag of emotions :( oh did i mentn tht i tink the asian guy who got bootd off survivor amazon last wk is hot?..normaly im not such a big fan of big buff muscly guys..but i like his face a lot..his name is daniel i remm, he wasnt realy all that useful so its little wonder y they votd him off the team, saw it comin the first 2 wks....hes bit of a sissy actualy lol, n i normaly dont like sissies either..its jst his face, theres smth abt it...ohwell. veni says i shud chk out the site n read up on all of em..mebbe. i got so much to do this wkend, i really wana do good on the toddlers class on tues yawn. still sleepy..im headin out to central soon then goin straight to mongkok rite after..teach till 3 smth, then home again to walk jinn...bk to mongkok by 5.15..class finishes at 6.45..damn. thats late...no plans for tonite as usual, jst chill out n watch tv all nite... tink m gna lie down in bed for a cpl mins...then shower n change...blah. my lifes so boring n stupid. # [ posted @ 12:34:00 PM ] pv i organizd some of my bkmarks but still lots to go...evythings all over the place. ugh. spent some time goin thru some of em..del a few, in time ill pimp the more worthy blogs...there r so many fine blogs out there..lotsa giftd writers n great web designers...kudos to all of em. im surprisd there r so many fil bloggers...so talentd n articulate too..yea yea how v unobjective of me... one full blog i read tonite was nothin short of impressive..unfortunately it was trash, wat a pity..he writes so well. but its so trashy even im too embarrassd to publicize the url...this guy had a thing for s&m n while his blog wasnt porn - in fact for the most part i found his entires to b rather innocuous n honest, in a way refreshin n enlightening - his descriptns were on the xplicit side..tsk tsk..no hes not fil in case ure wonderin..jst a lost soul tyin to make sense of love. we ve all been there done that no? its almost 5..gta wake up at 9, full day tomorw n workin till 7. but i slept cpl hrs tonite so i shud b ok i hope. yawnnnn...cold tonite brrrrrr # [ posted @ 11:27:00 AM ] pv "The natural rhythm of human life is routine punctuated by orgies. - Aldous Huxley" # [ posted @ 8:54:00 AM ] pv hello slept for 2 hrs tonite heh..whoa actualy for 2 n a half hrs. mom kept tryin to wake me up so that i cud walk jinn, i was so irritated i told her to shoo..eventualy i draggd myself out of bed so now im here there was nothin to watch on tv all nite...whn i got home frm work i had some food then sat ard doin nothin for a while...talkd to veni, ate some more (instant noodles) then promptly dozd off in bed..i meant to wake up in 15mins, i even set up my fone to ring..blah, i slept thru the alarm..glad i did, turns out i had a real restful nap...bn on my feet all day today. actualy today i walkd xtra fast on my way home frm work, jst to get my cardio goin..they say we shud aim at walkin 5 times a wk, for 20mins at least hmm wat to do now? either sort out my bkmarks here on the pc or clean my rm? we ll c..tink will wash my face for now..still feel a bit groggy.... oh its jericks bday today - he turns 26...nice age. wonder when him n veni r gna get married? ohwell..happy birthday to him. we dont exactly ve ne contact watsoever but since im so close to veni theres sorta an invisible bond tween us...when he was in hk we spoke v little..hes terribly shy, in a cute sort of way...i can c how veni n him ve lastd so long together..hes like a baby always wantin to b coddled n lookd after, n veni is the motherly type..theyre so cute together..even when they argue its never volatile or hostile..mebe nex time round when hes in hk we ll get along bettr, after all thts happnd since he last visited tatto is mia..now im positive hes out of town w her. forget abt da asshole already. # Wednesday, March 12 [ posted @ 9:44:00 PM ] pv whoa i m dogtired...jinn realy cant walk much nemore so i ve to carry her for most of the way....it hurts seein her like that..she cudnt even bring herself to stand, she collapses n goes face flat on the ground, or she lays down on her side. not a great sight when ure in the streets..i tink i m buildin muscle on my left arm tho..in the meantime i jst weighd myself n i seem to ve gaind bk watever i lost 2 wks ago? how can tht b? im def drinkin more these days, drinkin h2o i mean..so it cud b that...but im def cuttin bk on my food intake. of course i dint end up sleepin so now im sleepy as shit..gta change still, then head to mongkok by train..gna lie down in bed for mebe 5 mins i tink. i bought lunch frm outside, on my way back from class in the mornin - some tofu in tomato sauce thing..feel bloatd altho i left half of it for dinn tonite.... i tink im gna try n wean myself off tatto this wk..he seems to ve happily forgotten abt me, i tink i shud do the same abt him...all this missin is jst gettin me down n sad..this dpression ts realy not necessary when i cant do nothin abt him not wantin to stay in touch w me..fuck, if he doenst wana ve nethin to do w me, so b it....sigh. ill hate it but wat to do but accept it? will b bk tonite, theres nothin on tv today..wana zzZz for 5 mins now # [ posted @ 4:58:00 PM ] pv incorrigible hey sweetie, are you up and running (aka alive)? i have been super busy didnt even have the motivation and time to read thru your long emails. i am reading them now and will get back to you soon. just want to let you know i am not ignoring you. n i told him so. so there. off to work..b bk in 3 hrs, to walk jinn n take a quick snooze b4 work again in the pm # [ posted @ 12:32:00 PM ] pv i made some progress today, i sortd out all my teachin notes n materials...hmm tink im gna turn in now, read the paper in bed or smth..wrote to tom...n oh AS wrote me, hes bk in sydney n thank god he got to celebrate the last few hrs of his bday w his fam..was nice to hear frm him n i told him so. im so glad he made it safe n sound...i miss him a bit. but no matter, hes gta move on w his life n im sure he ll move mountains, w a brain like that..w me no longer an impediment to his career, w me no longer in his life..im certain life will bcome better for him..he deserves this yawn im hungry but wil log off n head to bed..gta b up in 3 hrs for work side note: ve not seen or heard frm tatto in many days..i ve a feelin hes out of town w the bitch..probly gettin married? hmm. # [ posted @ 6:17:00 AM ] pv well im bk...roy keeps callin its gettin on my nerves..sigh...makes me wana get rid of him even more :( god im not a mean person n im not the type to screen/ignore calls, but this is really too much..evyday he rings cpl times n he gives me the same bs, "im so lonely, i wanna cut my wrists n die, etc"..hello dont b so damn pretentious..its annoying, i grit my teeth n let him talk...sometimes i wana tell him to jst grow up...he doenst need to know tht ive bn there, n ringin up a semi-stranger n tellin em bs like "i dont want to live bcos i dont have a gf/bf, i wana kill myself" is both phoney n fake..all this an immature attmpt to seek n get attn...i know hes attn dprived coz his folks live in china n come home only once a wk for 2 days, he doenst seem to ve ne friends, but why me? im a total stranger to him....if he only kept his distance, or at least spared me the "i wana commit suicide" bs id b happy to treat him as i wud a normal friend...but all this is pushin me further away. veni says we shudnt complicate our lives lookin after those who simply wana use us then dump us...shes bn there done that a dozen times n more, all its led to is heartache n pain for her...so she insistd i ring up roy when we were out, tell him i wana cancel dinn..so i did...n roy said it was ok, veni said "u see? he dint really wana go out w u...he jst wantd u to say yes at first n then b the one to tell u its ok u guys dont go out, so in effect, hes the one who rejectd u, u were not the one who did the rejectin jst now"..hmm now theres food for thought. veni cud b right...blah. mebe i shud do wat she did to that poor guy who keeps ringing her..at first she sympathizd w him n she wud talk to him evy now n again on the fone, she was even willin to go out for coffee w him..then he kept callin n callin n callin, she got sooo irritated..eventualy that turned her off n made her mad, now she doesnt pick up his calls at all. n even worse, she doesnt feel bad abt it heheh well i told her livin in hk does that to u, u start to lose touch w ppl n ur inner self..u jst work work n work..b4 long ure numb n tired n fed up of even the littlest tings...i told her thts how me n AS driftd apart, i got a job n that swallowd me n my life completely..i nev cheatd on AS nor neglectd him..i jst became stone cold n numb n unfeeling...i startd to njoy earnin my money n thenafter, spending it..i was meetin new ppl, doin new things, i bcame a totally diffrent person..i still loved AS but he somehow bcame less of a priority in my life, i admit..i put him on the bkburner as i pursued other things like go to the gym, watch more tv at home..even whn i was home alone i was doin other things, n not callin him or emailing him or writin him as i shudve been...livin in hk u give up a lot of things, u bcome ambivalent towards the larger, outer world..u tend to bcome self centered, egoistic..u bcome suckd into this me me me world...all u want is to buy the latest fashions, the trendiest cellfone, the most high tech gadget..its so shallow n stupid. in a way im glad i got out b4 it took over my life completely...my head was growin too big it was almost gna pop. me n my stupid big head..i livd in this bubble. i was so selfish n self absorbd..ignorant, uncaring, cold, shallow. so i told veni to bware..she said she was gettin sick of life, that all she wantd to do each day was do her job then come home, eat n watch tv then sleep n wake up to a new day...evyday. ive noticd that shes q turned off by men now actualy, not like b4 when she wud ve crushes evy once in a while n when we re out she wud snog a few of em (fyi not v desirable behavior, n im glad shes kickd it)..now she jst minds her own bzness n does her thang oh yea we finaly signd up for bellydancing lessons, so thats one post it note on my pc desk offff...heavens..we were stil a bit shockd that we did this..."did we really do this?" we kept askin each other on the way bk..wat the hell r we tinking, lol. so far it seems there r only 7 places filld up includin ourselves..frankly speakin i rather there b lots n lots of other ppl, that way im not so self conscious..shit, i realy ve to tone my tummy now...tonite i had wat shud b my last greasy dinner coz i fig from tomorw onwards im gna put myself on a strict diet...ohwell thats motivatn nuff to drop some lbs, im fat after all...we had a gd laugh abt this, she said we shudnt b so embarrassd abt joinin a bellydancin class coz we bellydance when we out in da clubs neway..in her words this wud jst b a "refresher course to hone or perfect our skills" hahaha, shes so funny her sat classes r gna finish soon so we re lookin fwd to that, coz this means we can party out till late on fridays..yay! dunno when we re goin out again, given that last wk she got into major trouble at home n at work coz of me..we try to go out min once a mnth, which is paltry by my standards but i realy dont wana get her in trouble..so we go whenever. i dont tink we ll b goin this mnth nemore coz its lent n we re spposd to b good tho today had a gd day at school, the kids were a lot of fun n they made me laugh...last nite i read the paper n it felt gd, i tink i mite try to get bk into the habit of reading the paper evyday..i stoppd rite after 9.11, somehow the news began to dpress me a lot...shit i feel i ve no brain cells left tho, ive bn so inactive n ignorant for such a long time now i tink i mite need to go to the library this wkend..hm. nuff blogging for now, will sort out some papers for tomorws class..i feel like bein productive tonite. # [ posted @ 5:09:00 AM ] pv blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh # [ posted @ 5:06:00 AM ] pv on fone..its roy # [ posted @ 5:05:00 AM ] pv well im home, im not spposd to b here...last min i cancld dinn w roy, at venis suggestn...well actualy she insistd i cut off all links w the guy, says he isnt worth my attn or time...she says she herself is sick of it all, the whole guy thing: the confusion, tears, drama - i answerd # Tuesday, March 11 [ posted @ 9:53:00 PM ] pv this is so pathetic, its almost a big joke..i allow u all to laugh at me/feel sorry for/pity me....im missin all 4 of my guys, n all r nowhere to b found. # [ posted @ 9:44:00 PM ] pv i feel cranky n irritable n sad all at the same time. agenda for today: - 'work' till 3.45p ugh..... - rush home to walk my baby, take the train - polish nails? - meet veni at abt 5? travel to admiralty by train - meet roy for dinn at abt 6.30 - hopefully home by 10.30 - boston public 10.30 - 11.30 - walk jinn - tv till late nite/maybe clean my room till bed voila...the days events. i was gna pay my credit card bill too but dont ve the time nor mood to queue at the bank for 45mins for a 5-sec transactn sigh....shit shit shit. i feel like sittin here n not moving for 10 hrs..on a brighter note, ive shed some lbs past 3 wks..well not that much but its a start. # [ posted @ 10:39:00 AM ] pv from emazing: Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Sunday March 9, 2003 Libra, from August, 2002 till Aug., 2003, the planet Jupiter will be passing thru your 11th House of "My Future." During this period, your hopes, ideals and wishes for the future will play an important role in your life. Your friends may be of considerable benefit to you now. You're apt to become more involved in group activities, for you now understand the importance of group goals and values to you as an individual. Libra, between now and August is not a good time for you to go it alone or to limit yourself to working with just one other person. Between now and August, friends will be more than usually supportive, and you may make many new friends who will prove to be extremely valuable as time goes on. This will not be a one-way street, for you will help them also. At this time in your life you might be more than usually idealistic and will want to improve the world around you. This is not a time to be selfish. If the changes you make in your li! fe do not affect others, they will not be as meaningful or long-lasting. Libra, whatever you sow now, you will reap in an even greater quantity after August. - Nolan Myers # Monday, March 10 [ posted @ 11:14:00 AM ] pv how do say sorry to someone u hurt so bad? someone u have nothin but deep respect n admiration n love for? someone w true goodness n kindness n generosity in his heart? how do u say sorry for all the pain uve caused, the suffering n emotional scars? im sorry AS, im sorry u met me :( kiara: on a hiatus..for a few days, as she sorts herself out. # [ posted @ 9:35:00 AM ] pv well it happened..nervous breakdown while walkin jinn..jst burst into tears. i guess its all a bit much to handle: jst havin said bye last wk..his bday today...unpackin our stuff tonite..stress over tomorws class....i was spposd to pack smth for his bday n post it to him tomorw, but i feel im not ready..i cudnt even bring myself to look at some of the stuff from the boxes..on my pc desk theres a pacific coffee plastic cup from the airport last wk when i saw him off, we were dreadin the moment so we tried to prolong the v little time we had left..it was so close to his departure time but we stoppd by at pacific coffee, so we cud have 2 xtra mins together..evy min, evy second seemd like an eternity to us, was so vital n important..we dint wanna let go..we dint wana say gdbye... we ordered a passionfruit orange fruit juice thing..we were both sick w the flu but we ordered it neway, it was crushd ice n damn cold but we dint care..we jst wantd to b together for the last time..evy min we got, we dint care wat we were doin...n finaly, i took him to the gates..id already startd cryin on the train so he knew i was devastated, tht i cudnt b strong for him..i knew he tried to b strong too, coz he left pretty quick..i know he left coz he dint wana prolong my pain, he dint want me to c him cry..so i helped him, we helped each other: "lets not prolong this, just say bye n get goin..." i said, lookin away..at this point tears were streamin down my face n he dint, he cudnt say nething...we huggd for the last time, n i turnd away..i dint want to c him walk away frm me, i dint wana b left behind...but i stoppd n lookd bk..n he was walkin away frm me, lookin bk at my direction...i was cryin n i let out a wave, sayin bye...he so wanted to turn bk n not leave me, i cud tell...but i knew he had to go, n he had to go quick..bcos he wasnt gna b strong nuff to hold bk the tears...so he walkd away...lookin at me..me lookin at him...then i fell apart. stayed at the airport for abt an hr, veni rang me to chk on me..n of course i wasnt so well...she let me cry, it was pretty late so not many ppl were ard...AS msgd me over the cell, i knew he was probly crying his end too..so he dint call, n i know he did it for me too..he dint want me crying more... i hope today passes quickly..this is jst too much. i wana finish off watever i ve to do for tomorws class..then log off n go to bed. get up tomorw, do my job n head bk home to sleep some more..then bk to work in the afternoon..work till 7pm, come bk home..n jst watch tv..i tink i wont b online tomorw..i dont tink i wana c nebody...wat more its AS birthday. mebe i wil jst clean my rm, try to keep myself bz. im so drained out of energy..i feel im out of strength..i feel weak, so weak..i feel brittle... please let this day go by quickly. please let tomorw not b a shitty day. please let me go to sleep early tonite, so i dont ve to tink abt all this..if i have to cry myself to sleep, that is ok..jst dont let me b up till so late. AS, im sorry ure alone today on ur bday. i wish i were there or u were here. hugs n love. # [ posted @ 8:39:00 AM ] pv tired..but i stil gta take jinn out for a walk n then prepare for tomrows class...gta b up at 7, leave by 8..sigh. really really hate tuesdays. i hate wakin up so early in the mornin, esp when ive had little or no sleep...tonite i went thru some of my stuff w AS, loads n loads of huge cartons he left behind - stuff from our past while we we together..oh god, openin the boxes surely brought bk old memories n i swear i cudve burst into tears n startd crying..but mom was in the rm so i had to b strong..i tried to numb myself frm all the memories that kept coming bk, all the times we were together, those moments of happiness, of love...how we dreamed n talkd abt a future together...we d already pickd out names for our future kids, decided on the type of weddin we were goin to have, sigh :( it is his bday as we speak..xcept tht i have no way of gettin to him coz his cell is out of batteries..he is all alone today, in some god forsaken land coz the stupid travel agent fucked up..i was hopin at least he d b w his family on his bday..but no, he is all alone.. :( i wish he were here...i have to admit tht while i was unpackin the cartons, i did tink of us endin up together..us hookin up again, sortin out our differences n givin things nother go...u know wat they say - u dont know wat u have until its gone. well yes, i gta say that i miss AS..i will never say nethin bad abt him bcos he never was nethin but good n perfect n loving to me..so y dint things work out dammit?! sigh..i wish life was that ez...2 ppl love each other they they hook up, get married, have kids, n live happily evr after... im gna walk jinn now..i tink i wana work on tomorws class when i get back, finish it asap then head off to bed...dont feel like hangin out in my chatrm tonite..dont feel like chattin to neone..jst wana not think, not b sad..i jst wana go to bed.... happy birthday AS with much love, u r beautiful. i wish i were a better person for u...i wish i cud say that i cud bring u the happiness u deserve...but i always seem to end up hurting u. i can only wish that u find that happiness elsewhere, since im unable to give u that happiness..u realy r a decent person, a kind man, a loving n compassionate person...i jst wish i was even half the person u r, but im not...pls understand, i cud nev make u happy. all ive brought u durin our yrs together was pain, hurt n sad tears. im sorry. i will always love u AS n RRR in memoriam. # Sunday, March 9 [ posted @ 9:50:00 PM ] pv i gta walk jinn now then prepare for class whn i get bk..sigh...i woke up realy late today, almost 1p..i set my fone n clock to ring at 10a but i slept thru..im so friggin buggered..dont feel like movin, dont feel like seein the kids today...feelin sick of it all, sick of my work, sick of doin the same thing evy freakin day..i dont find pleasure or satisfactn in nethin..how i dread the wkdays n look fwd to sundays is pathetic..u wonder y i dont ve a real job yet, well i dont wana b gone when jinn passes away..i know this sounds stupid but its true..veni n mom say i shudnt 'wait' for jinn to die like this but the fact is, if im not ard when she closes her eyes for the last time i will never ever ever forgive myself for it..i love her n want to b w her durin her last hrs, mins, secs..i dont want her to b alone, i want her to c me... tomorw is AS bday n i dont ve bubble wrap to send him the stuff i wana send..ohwell theres always tomorw i guess. mebe will send tatto his stuff too, bit by bit..i ve like 7 or 8 boxes i need to post to tatto..mebe send 1 box evy mth..yest i bought timmy a musical teddy bear..sigh, isnt it obvioius im still in love w tatt, i still love tim...neway when i was out w veni yest we bought cards, its jericks bday on thurs heh jst 2 days after AS's bday..i fig its best i wait for AS to arrive in syd first, b4 i post it jst in case his mom or dad opens his mail...i jst got an sms frm AS - hes still in bangkok apprently, the stupid travel agent fuckd up so hes not in syd yet..he was spposd to b in syd last wk! poor soul..all alone in bangkok..he mst b tired as shit. today is 10mar..sigh..still nother 20 days till payday...wonder wat ill b doin a mth, 2 mths frm now...i realy want to find a job but i want to b home most of the time for jinn..i hate bein n feelin so useless..i hate teachin even more, its really gettin to me..its not like b4, i usd to love seein the kids n i wud never dread seein em the way i do now...i also itch to go out a lot more these days, not drinkin necesssarily..i jst wana go out n b ard ppl...coz when im home it seems all i do is blog n surf n write/read email, which is surely not productive at all? ive bn so irritable lately, mebe its coz i realy really miss tatto..i remm feelin this way whnever i havent seen him in a while..i wana tell him so much, i wana jst lay in bed n talk to him...sigh :( of course i have some pride so i cant exactly ring him up rite now or email him to tell him im missin him so bad n tht i need to c him..not tht im afraid of bein rejectd, or id feel stupid..but hes at work n hes always so bz, he wont n doesnt have the time to listen to me..i dont wana waste his time i guess. he said hes bn real bz at work, hes got few ppl under him now n stuff.. yest i told myself i wudnt sms tatto no more, that id leave the ball in his court...hmmm sigh :( wat if he never attempts to get in touch w me..wat if he doenst care if he sees me or not enuff tinkin, im drivin myself up the wall....gta walk jin or ill b late for work...who knows, mebe the fresh air ll do me some good damn, im realy missin him # [ posted @ 1:09:00 PM ] pv shit moms gna b up soon..gna go to bed, pretend to b asleep heh..but hvent finishd answerin the question thingies yet, will post all this tomrow i guess sigh..work tomrow...the start of yet nother wk. ugh..y doesnt life get ne better than this? # [ posted @ 12:57:00 PM ] pv heres nother..jst surfin upon some random blogs n came across this one Have you ever... 01. Fallen for your best friend?: not really..but those ive fallen for they bcome my best friend 02. Made out with JUST a friend?: yea..w some regrets for some of em 03. Been rejected?: of course 04. Been in love?: yea 05. Been in lust?: yea, but im also in love w em at tht time 06. Used someone?: hmm i tink we all have 07. Been used?: most probly..but not in a major way (i hope) 08. Cheated on someone?: yea 09. Been cheated on?: yea 10. Been kissed?: yea 11. Done something you regret?: duh Who was the last person... 12. You touched?: um veni i tink, when i went out w her tonite..or does jinn count, when i took her out for a walk sev hrs ago? 13. You talked to?: dad, jst b4 i went out w jinn..or veni, if u include txt msgs over the fone 14. You hugged?: veni, when i droppd her off at her hse after we went out 15. You instant messaged?: nobody..i dont have icq/yahoo nemore 16. You kissed?: as in romantically? umm tatto...a casual kiss, veni when we said gdbye 17. You had sex with?: um...not telling 18. You yelled at?: mom, whn she kept comin in my rm this afternoon when i was sleepin in futile attempts to wake me up 19. You laughed with?: veni 21. Who broke your heart?: tatto..to a much lesser xtent, roque Do you... 22. Color your hair?: yea 23. Have tattoos?: yep 24. Piercings?: yep 25. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?: no..in fact this wk i became officially single after 6 yrs 26. Floss daily?: no 27. Own a webcam?: no n i dont want one 28. Ever get off the computer?: lol, im a pc junkie...sue me. 29. Sprechen sie deutsche?: nope but i know wat this qstn means 30. Habla espanol?: nope, as abv Have you/do you/do you have... 40. Considered a life of crime?: no im too honest 41. Considered being a hooker?: like all chicks ive thought 'wat if' but thats abt it, id never consider it 42. Considered being a pimp/pimpette?: nope 43. Are you psycho?: um.. 44. Split personalities?: nah 45. Schizophrenic?: hehe 46. Obsessive?: oh yes 47. Obsessive compulsive?: i tink so 48. Panic?: not really 49. Anxiety?: yea, over lots of things 50. Depressed?: sigh 51. Suicidal?: i jst ve to avoid doin/tinkin certain things i guess 52. Obsessed with hate?: i dont like hating ppl 53. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore?: no n thank god..im afraid of horror, i dont even watch horror movies 54. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them?: mebe to myself not to others 55. If you could be anywhere, where would you be?: blah, w someone i love..at this point, tatto i supose 56. What would you be doing?: living n loving 58. What are you listening to?: nothing, i jst woke up 59. Can you do anything freakish with your body?: hm i dont tink so 60. Chicken or fish?: neither 61. Do you have a favorite animal, no matter how lame it may be?: i love all animals (yes how corny) Current Clothes: gray jammy top w a pic of a teddy bear wearin a santa hat n huggin a heart, gray leggings, white ankle socks Current Mood: bit stressed out, over tomows class w the toddlers..plus class today, which i hvent prepared for Current Music: none Current Taste: blood in my throat..im still spittin blood, jst did cpl mins ago when i went to the loo Current Hair: shit, i jst washd it last nite n dint bother to blowdry it Current Annoyance: work - i hate work, its a pain in the ass...tatto: i miss him n miss talkin to him n miss bein w him sigh :(..n the fact tht i ve so much to do but never get ard to doin em Current Smell: ok i gues, i washd my hair pretty late last nite Current thing I ought to be doing: walkin jinn or preparin for todays class. Current Desktop Picture: none, my pc is too stupid for that..its out of memory n ive had to install even the most basic of applicatn software Current Favorite Music Group: r n b, rap..soft rock, classic rock..dpendin on my mood Current Book: whoa im readin so many, i nev ve the time to finish em tho Current DVD: i dont have one Current Refreshment: none Current Worry: work today n tomorw, money, my fat tummy, my feelins over tatto, moms bday nex wk... Current Crush: sheesh stan n tatto..i miss stan in a "i miss talkin to him, spendin time w him" sort of way..his presence..w tatto i miss bein loved by him i guess..stans sweet n nice n great company, its more subtle..i gues coz we dont know each other tht well...w tatto its a more intense thing, an overwhelming n overpowering thing Current Favorite Celebrity: hmm nobody in particular..im too old for that FAVORITE... Food: mushrooms, tofu, bean sprouts Drink: beer? n soy milk.. Color: blk n ne shade of dark red (crimson, maroon, deep red) Shoes: my dms n my old nike sneakers Candy: v few candies r vegan..hmm skittles Animal: none specifically TV Show: dont watch much tv..at the moment its survivor amazon i guess, csi, sex n the city, ab fab Movie: hmm trainspotting, seven, fight club..off the top of my head Dance: dont care as long as im havin a gd time Vegetable: bean sprouts..tofu Fruit: mandarins..starfruit umm..i dont mind watever actualy ARE YOU... Understanding: no, unfortunately im not Open-minded: id like to tink so, yes Arrogant: i hate arrogance Insecure: always..its my middle name Interesting: yes coz im so fucked up Friendly: not really..im antisocial..i dont like meetin new ppl n i suck at it Smart: sometimes Moody: yep Childish: nope ive always bn mature/serious for my age Independent: yea i wud tink so Hard working: dpends..if its smth im interestd in i give it my full attn n energy..if not, i slack off Organized: i call it organized mess..i dont like bein too organizd Healthy: no :( i tink smths wrong w my larynx n my teeth n gums r bleedin a lot too Emotionally Stable: sigh, no Difficult: ive been told, yes Attractive: its all subjective isnt it? Bored Easily: no..on the contrary im always overwhelmd w stuff tht needs to get done Thirsty: u mean m i always wantin smth? ya i guess..im never satisfied, never happy w things Responsible: again? i tot i jst answered this a while ago Sad: i wud say so, yea Happy: i dont know wat happiness is nemore Trusting: no..but im honest i gues, so if ppl were to ask me stuff i wudnt bs abt it..if i dont wana talk abt stuff i tell em so Talkative: not really..im opinionatd yes but not talkative Original: i used to b Different: arent we all Unique: we all r Lonely: all the time, not in bad way WHO DO YOU WANT TO... Kill: u know who..sigh :( Slap: nobody Look Like: angelina jolie? Be Like: less complex, more appreciative of life..not so contemplative, i hate tht i tink so much Talk To Offline: stan..miss his voice Name: initials r r r Nicknames: only AS n veni have nicks for me Hair color: highlighted dark copper (was spposd to b deep red but the stylist fuckd up) Birthday: oct Eye Color: blk Siblings: 2 bros im the mid kid Righty or lefty?: right How do you describe yourself: hard to understand, lost, insecure, very sensitive, always searchin for smth, dissatisfied of mysef n the world n ppl, stubborn What's your sign?: libra On Friends... Best Friend(s): veni Friend(s) you go to for advice?: veni, tom Friend(s) you have the most fun with?: veni Friend(s) you've dreamt about?: whoever Friend(s) your tell secrets to?: veni On Dating... Long or short hair?: i dont care Dark or blond hair?: dark 6 pack or muscular arms?: eww on both Mr. Sensitive or Mr. Funny?: mr sensitive of course Mama's boy or bad ass?: neither Dark or light eyes?: dark Hat or no hat?: doesnt matter Pierced or no?: pref pierced but i realy dont care Freckles or none?: dont care Stubble or neatly shaved?: dont care Rugged outdoorsy type or sporty type?: i guess the former, since im not so sporty myself All American, homey G, or grunge?: aiya..doesnt matter Accent or American?: who cares On preferences... Chocolate milk or hot chocolate?: dont matter as long as its dairy free McDonalds or Burger King? we dont ve bk here, they went bankrupt many eons ago haha..n i avoid goin to mackers, its part of the whole anti-globalizatn thing Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend?: friend of course Sweet or sour?: sour Root Beer or Dr. Pepper?: root beer Sappy/action/comedy/horror?: intense drama..i def dont like comedies/horror Cats or dogs?: both Ocean or Pool?: eh? to do wat? Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese?: i dont eat cheese Mud or Jell-O wrestling?: wats this With or without ice-cubes?: always w ice Shine or rain?: shine Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring?: fall Vanilla or Chocolate?: taste, choc..smell, vanilla Snowboarding or skiing?: i dunno how to do either Cake or cookies?: i miss both since i havent had either in ages Cereal or toast?: both Gloves or mittens?: gloves..ive nev owned mittens in my life Eyes open or closed?: open Fly or breathe under water?: fly Bunk-bed or waterbed?: bunk..waterbeds give me headaches Chewing gum or hard candy?: gum Motor boat or sailboat?: havent bn on either Lights on or off?: on..im afraid of the dark # [ posted @ 10:44:00 AM ] pv  What Is Your Animal Personality? brought to you by Quizilla # [ posted @ 8:20:00 AM ] pv damn still need to wash my hair n its already almost 1a # [ posted @ 7:23:00 AM ] pv stupid blog template # [ posted @ 6:17:00 AM ] pv veni n i met up today to enrol for the bellydancing class, stoooopid place was closd altho veni rang to chk...ohwell. we re goin bk nex sat i guess...we re really xcited abt it..classes r friday nites so thats even better, straight after we can head out clubbing lol..jst bring a change of clothes, change in the toilet somewhere...ohcool the clubs r just a tram ride away too tonite was fun, we had some pizza then watched the hours..heavens, we were left q confused...nic kidman was superb tho, as usual...claire danes was part of the supporting cast, shes so cute..i just watchd her on les miserables on tv last wk..shes never not endearing.. well gna feed jinn now..mebe work on my homepage tonite. dont wana tink of work tomrow :( hmm mebe clean my rm tonite too had a megahuge bucket of choc popcorn...sugar/calorie overkill :( # |
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