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Saturday, March 22 [ posted @ 11:07:00 PM ] pv i jst cookd for jinn, i put in some choppd bok choy as well..some veggie spices...heh shes so cute, she knows im cookin for her coz whn she usd to stay over at AS's place he d always cook chicken for her..at the vets suggestn, he said chikens always best coz its more bland than pork/beef..i dint add in salt, mebe jst a pinch whn i was cookin the chiken but thts abt it..now the smartie baby wont even touch the doggy food in her bowl coz she knows theres smth beter on the way hehehh..jst waitin for the foodie to cool then im gna give it to her..i tink itll last her abt 3 days, hopefuly..i mite scour the net for more home made doggy recipes i ve to do some serious cleanin...all my clothes dont fit into my closet nemore, so ive bn pilin em up on my bed..the other day tween classes i felt like spoilin myself so i bought some clothes: this gorgeous long blk skirt - its sorta goth lookin, w a silver tribal motif on the front...2 shiny blk slinky tops for whn we hit the clubs again..bought a cover for my fone (violet)..hmm wat else..oh yea a blk bag...hmm im hungry. hahah mebe will go cook some noodles...oh yea the other nite whn i was out w veni n the boyz, veni said i lost some weight..which i found hard to blieve coz i weigh abt the same...but yest while i was at school, the receptionist said i look thinner too..mst b this entire wk of worryin over jinn..it was realy bad, tinkin it was her last few days on earth w me..i realy wasnt eatin much. ohwell. now tht jinns ok i tink i will go bk to my regular diet...but im still tryin to exercise more, like walkin her 3 times a day n goin home on foot evyday from work, power-walking style. jinns w me as i type this, on my left..panting away. ive already walkd her..but will walk her again in 3 hrs..n then again at ard midnite....sigh. the start of nother wk tomorw..i hate this. same shit evyday... # [ posted @ 10:08:00 PM ] pv today: * * plan/prepare for tuesdays toddlers class * read the paper * spring cleaning (* clean out closet) * email cv to employment agency * write journal entries i realy need to do smth w my life..im one thirds into my existence b4 im no longer in this world yet ive accomplishd nothing # [ posted @ 11:14:00 AM ] pv speakin of which im goin out w veni tomorw heh to tatto: u dont give a shit abt me, evyday i have more reason n strength to dislike u for not only how ure treatin me, but also for the type of person uve bcome...ure someone i cant b proud of, someone i cant look up to, someone i cant admire...on the contrary, i pity u n i feel sorry for u. # [ posted @ 10:34:00 AM ] pv venis bro wants us to start 'dating' !! sigh....i dont want this confusion..not again...im still tryin to get over tatto. im still in love w tatto...actualy in many many ways i dont want to b over tatto, mbe thts y its nex to imposs for me to move on..i dont let myself..i dont want to b over him..i stil wana love him..i still dont wana let him go..godammit, i still love him.. venis bro n i talkd - he nev had my tel no till now whn he askd veni to tell me to sms him..v v relunctantly veni told me over the fone that he wants me to sms him...she was quite huffy actualy, as if realy miffd he wants my no...well a long time ago whn her bro n i first got phy, veni was real upset...i remm her sayin tht its not coz of the fact tht she n i r best friends, rather she doesnt wana c me hurt coz she knows ill jst b one of many her bro ll b seein/doin..she was so genuine..n face it, i know wat her bros like n yes hes not q my type..too macho, v traditional for my lking..a typical 'sexist pig'...the typical neantherthal.....that day veni did not speak to her bro for days tonite he said tht hes bn feelin it for yrs n yrs, since tht first day we went out 5 yrs ago?...but he said he always dint do nethin abt it coz he, too, dint feel it was rite to start nethin w me coz of veni...but after wat happ last nite he said he wantd to take the risk, n confront me abt his feelins..heavens. twas realy awkward hearin all this frm him..he said on the way bk in the cab last nite, he was feelin 'it' n tht whn he woke up today he cud still taste me..i said to him to let things boil over n in cpl days evything will b ok, as if nothin happ...tht his feelins wud fizzle n die out - he said hes bn feelin it for so many yrs, he jst wants to follow his feelins coz he doenst want things to b how they r all the time whnever we go out: we get bit drunk n we make out, n the nex day evythings ok...we act as if nothin happ..i dont even c him tht much altho im at venis house a lot, coz he works till late...he said he wants smth to happ, n we take it frm there i told him the obvious reasons y we cannot/shud not let nethin happ 1. he has a gf 2. his sis is my bestest friend 3. i dont want to jeopardize our (me n his) friendship all he kept sayin was we nev know wat will happ, y not jst live for the moment.."cause im not a casual type of person" i replied...he said at first he thought it was jst a crush but hes havin 2nd thoughts now..sigh ohwell. at this point i like him, but not (n never will?) romanticaly...i said it wud b too weird, hangin out w him one on one..coz he wud jst remind me of veni...n most importantly, i dont want to hurt his rel w veni, nor mine n hers....i askd him to keep this tween me n him for now (hopefuly itll die down in cpl days n this wil b forgoten), shud veni find out she ll hate me n hate him..i dont want to hurt veni. n guess wat, apprently whn he first ever saw me..it was at church, he was w his dad...his dad pointd me out from afar to him n said to him, "dont fuck w her, shes like my daughter"..at the time i wasnt tht close to veni n we d only gone out twice or so, n even so my mom was ard w us...we were emailin, but jst once evy cpl wks....venis folks n mine date bk many yrs...more than 20 yrs.. wana say/type more but im so sleepy....i got barely 3 hrs sleep coz i had an early mornin class today...now im yawnin like shit fuck. stupid stupid stupid............will try to not tink so hard/much...veni doenst need to know wat happ today rite? i feel so guilty n bad...shes my best friend..i d nev lie to her or b dishonest..sigh. well i askd her bro to chill, relax,,,to not say nothin to veni coz i dont wana hurt her, this wud realy realy make her sad..fingers crossd, his feelins fade n tings ll b bk to normal in no time hmm he said he wana go out w me, again jst me n him..i said tht cant/wont happ.....blah.shit im tired # Friday, March 21 [ posted @ 6:03:00 PM ] pv stupid blogger lost my last post # [ posted @ 12:15:00 PM ] pv ehhhhhhhhh..went out tonite w veni, her bro n their friend from the phils whos visitin...ummm made out w her bro..hes quite a good kisser hahaha...neway, we met at abt 11 smth, then headed out to lkf...got some beer frm 7-11 then went to insomnia - band was shit but twas ok, veni n i danced a bit n i dancd w their friend too - godfrey - who happ to b gay...her bro was not so drunk but i gues theres always bn a ting tween me n him n since im semi-drunk we sorta usd our tongues whn veni wasnt lookin..shit, i know she knows we made out coz she told me so lol....whn we left the club veni n godfrey were up ahead n me n her bro were bhind n we made out a bit...then i had to take a piss later whn we were eatin - i had a felafel kebab - her bro accompanied me to the loo n whn i was done we made out again..heavens. it was quite fun. was ok tonite, not so much fun as veni n i usu hve....godfrey n her bro were catchin up coz they hadnt seen each other in 5 yrs or so, so they stayd sober most of the time n they were chattin..me n veni drank a bit, not tht much but we were hammered nuff to dance up a storm....we took the cab bk, we droppd off godfrey first - hehe hes a cutie, pity hes gay..but he was fun.....we traded some bad insults but in all good humor hahahah..hes flyin bk tomorw..hm oh while i was walkin jinn tonite b4 i went out w veni n her bro n godfrey, someone askd for my no...he struck up a conversatn n then proceeded to ask me what my no was..i said sorry, i dont wana b w neone rite now n he insistd on givin me his no..i said i wasnt gna call him no mater wat..he asked if i had a bf, y i was so hesitant on givin him my no..he said he wantd to spend some time w me, get to know me...hahah i said 'sorry, i wont call u' hmmm...nehow turns out hes frm sing....raisd in macau..after cpl mins we partd ways n that was that..i also happ to tell him i was in love w someone, n tht was my dog...haha gta turn in..feelin puke-y plus i gta b up in cpl hrs for class tomorw chaolo # Thursday, March 20 [ posted @ 9:40:00 PM ] pv for u to b hurtin me in this grandest of all scales, this most intense of all magnitudes..............i cannot blieve tht u, of all ppl, wud b the one who d b subjectin me to all this.....inchingly-slow n agonizing pain..it burns me, burns my heart..the fire in my eyes roar w hurt, soreness...clearly, u ve intent as well as the desire n will to hurt me n beat me to a pulp..until my spirit is broken, until i m broken...but why? # [ posted @ 7:40:00 PM ] pv phy n mentally i m drained...not wantin to do nethin but rest. but somethin or the other is always happ n restin does not bcome a option..alas, i get overwhlemd n i end up drownin in mad thoughts, tiredness, worries n stresses..eventualy i do nothin but procrastinate. n get angry at myself for bein so weak, so sad all the time..im burned out. so bummed out...discouragd n damaged...its coz of the whole tatto thing. tatto is gettin married as we speak - im sure i dint mention it here, thts coz it realy hurts to tink it...thing is, yes since day one i knew this wud happ...but let me tell u, nowhere in my dreams did i xpect him to tie the knot w such horrible timing:.n im not sure if its intentional or not, to marry exactly one yr frm the day i tried to kill myself....if u ask me, thts the most sleazy, low, asshole-y, scummy, fuckwit-ty thing he cudve done..if theres one way he cud hurt me, this is it. n the thing is, im too hurt to b angry..im too hurt to hate him..im too hurt to despise him...i jst feel overwhlmd by flashbacks of wat happ last yr, n then i tink of wat hes doin as i remm all these events - n i really feel hurt..how cud he do this to me? how cud neone commemorate such a terrible, terrible thing n date w a...marriage? n for gods sake, hes someone who loved me. who i was loved by. he was the reason i almost died..how cud he choose to get married on that particular day? its insulting, disrespectful, low. n now whn i tink abt it..its like evy yr on that day them 2 will b celebratin. w joy, w love, w pomp, w excess money, flair...n on tht same day i will b hauntd by memories of my near death exp. i tried to kill myself coz of u u sonofabitch...n then u marry that cunt u spoke of so badly while we were together on the day i almost died. whn my life stopped..whn my whole life got thrown off in disarray, confusion, pain. how cud u do this to me?? mebe this is ur way of moving on...by conveniently 'replacin me n all ur memories of me w her, n newfound xperiences w her..if this is the case...u r such a vile, despicable piece of shit..as u commemorate my suicide attempt w smth like this, u truly cannot stoop ne lower..u cannot possibly hurt me more than this, there is no other way. u spit at me, laugh at me, violate me n humiliate me. n evything we shared while we were together bcomes nothing. non existent. n dare u forget, it was i who brought u bk to life, literally..it was i who stood by u whn u were on the throes of death..i almost died whn the docs said u had jst cpl months to live. i was w u evy step of the way, tatto. evy single ting i did, was for u, coz of u. jst b4 u were wheeld in for life or death surgery, i was the last person u saw...n when u made it n opend ur eyes after 3 days of endless agony on my part - i was the first person u saw...i named our baby, tatto. he was the love of my life too..our kiddo, our boy..i loved him n u let me love him..n he was our joy, our world. now..he is nothing. u took him away frm me whn u did wat u did..i cant even ask abt him coz it hurts...it hurts to know uve replacd me so convenienty w that cunt. shes w our boy now..she calls him by tht name i made for him. does she know that huh? this hurts. this is so painful..u leavin me in this way hurts bad nuff..but the whole marriage thing compounds my pain a million fold. n u cud ve avoided it..u cudve timed it better..but no, u chose for things to b this way. u choose to hurt me in the single way u cud hurt me in the worst, most painful, most callous, most unimagineable of ways. as someone who usd to love me, u take the prize for being the person whos creatd the most pain n suffering n heartbreak in all my 20smth years of existence. u, who used to b the harbringer of true joy n love n pride n meaning n happiness n reason to my life. how cud u do this to me? # [ posted @ 11:24:00 AM ] pv i need sleep. # Wednesday, March 19 [ posted @ 9:33:00 PM ] pv well the moment we ve all been waitin for, but dreading: bush has officially declared war. the pig. NOBODY wants war but u, u dumb power hungry doofus....my heart goes out to the innocent iraqi civilians. the world is fucked up as is, w the global economic downturn..the pneumonia epidemic...the AIDS crisis in africa...the fear, paranoia, craziness, racism aftermath causd by the 9.11 tragedy..defragmentation happenin evywhere: in families, societies, communities. im ashamed to b part of the human race today. # [ posted @ 4:51:00 PM ] pv but nehow.....happy bday mom sorry i put u thru watevr i put u thru last yr i m, ur shitty daughter # [ posted @ 4:50:00 PM ] pv blah # Tuesday, March 18 [ posted @ 4:17:00 PM ] pv veni says im stronger than i ever was, n that i can/will pull thru...wiser, yes. but stronger? not really. in fact phaps i feel more ambivalence, feel more defeated n hopeless/helpless after bein so strong last yr: havin given my life n tatto my all - only to bve my body be callously beatn to the ground, my spirit broken, my will to b happy taken away frm me. i died a long time ago. # [ posted @ 4:14:00 PM ] pv i hit a new low yesterday. sory i dint reply whn u msgd me in 50s tom....yea i mustve dozd off - i spent most of yest crying n my eyes were realy tired. i figure u mstve walkd in after 3a? coz i swear i was still up at 3..jst layin in bed tryin to keep my mind off things i ve made a conscious decisn to hve jinn put to sleep on monday..i ve bn tryin to avoid tinkin/plannin abt all this, but yest i came to realize that i cannot escape frm the inevitable ne longer..this is not helpin her - me hidin in this rm coz i cant bear to c her lethargic n haggard n weak, as she possibly suffers frm pain as her body takes a beatin frm the horrible, cruel agein process. there is so much i need to say, but no one is there for me..crying alone mst b the saddest n most pathetic thing - nah, cryin alone n desperately callin ur socalled friends who arent there for u mst b the saddest n most pathetic thing..i dont blame em - veni keeps her cell in a locker while shes at work, my ex left his cell at home, tatto the git that he is dint reply to my sms, n u were at work fact is, i cant tolerate this situatn ne longer..part of me wishes for her to go not coz i feel shes reachd the end of her life, but, selfishly, coz i cant go on like this. i burst into tears at the oddest n most inappropriate of times - on the train, at the streets, at work. its always bn jst me shoulderin this burden of having the sole power to decide if jinn shud continue to live or not - i cannot do this alone, its too much of a responsibilty. apart frm the fact that i dont feel 100% sure im doin the rite thing - the emotional strain n pressure is too much. i m tryin to b v strong here, n in many ways i feel that i *hve* bn the strongest ive ever been all my life - this event surely beats wat happend last yr hats off: my baby whom ive loved w/all my heart n being is leaving me, someone ive investd all my emotions, love..n its *my finger* on her life switch - i feel like judge, jury n executioner - but my strength has not bn enuff... i wish i had someone to help me, but i dont. thts nother realizatn im tryin to come to terms w...i am the loneliest person in the world, jst when i need someone the most. all this pain - n im alone....b4, evy little thing i did, even wat i had for lunch or dinn, wat i wore - tatto wud care to ask, care to know. but now..this major event in my life n im alone. n nobody not only knows, but nobody cares to know. nobody cares to know how i am. i m takin jinn to the vet today, her appt is at 9. i dont know wat for - phaps to 'spread' the resp of havin to decide that yes, its time for her to go. phaps im seekin the approval of someone, coz i cannot shoulder this resp alone..im not willing to shoulder it alone. i need to know that, 5 days, 5 yrs, 5 decades from now - i made the rite decision.. i dont tink i can live the rest of my days regrettin that i cut short her life. thank u for listenin..im gna take a shower now. will chat w u sometime soon, take care, r # [ posted @ 10:20:00 AM ] pv taken frm this blog PROTECTION Lock your door Zip up your jacket Take your vitamins Pull into your shell Load your gun Put on your sunscreen Arrest your terrorists Check your engine Pay your insurance Pop the pill Censor your media Cool your reactor Put on your life vest Buckle your seat belt Sterilize your tools Pray to your god Sign your contract Set your alarm But open your heart and mind Love is its own protection # [ posted @ 10:15:00 AM ] pv evy thing of evy aspect of my life is tinged w hurt, pain, regret, anger..stuff that needs doin, tasks left undone not coz of the lack of time or energy..but coz evythng carries w it a certain memory which brings me sadness n pain...pain i actualy feel literally, my heart aches n my stomach recoils into this nauseating state. my head hurts n my eyes fill w tears..as i commemorate events, occasns which ve changed my life forever, changed me forever..all r not necessarily -ve xperiences..but they r def xperiences which ve made/constructd me into the person i m now..bitter, ungrateful, dpressed, disillusiond, suicidal. i jst want to b happy. nothin more..i dont care for riches, my job, even a social/personal life. i jst want to feel fulfilld, i jst want to feel blessed n content...i want to feel glad tht im alive, n i want to look fwd to evy wakin moment coz the world is beautiful in my eyes, that theres so much to live for n njoy. but instead, i c darkness...i grieve for myself, for evyone. i hate me, n i hate ppl..i hate how ppl r..i hate seein the evils n injustices prevalent evywhere..i hate money. i hate power..i hate arrogance n ignorance. i hate bigotry. yet we all r guilty of these in some form or nother. sexism, racism, ageism, specieism..being alive hurts, living is hard n difficult. a journey of hardships, trauma, pain. i want to not ve to fight to live nemore..evy wakin day a struggle, evy nite there is dread of the arrival of yet nother morning when dawn breaks. then its hell all over again. 24 hrs of meaningless existence. then nother days passed n the nex day the cycle begins all over again. how much more of this can i take b4 i break?..im not unbreakable. im not built like a tree, strong n towering. im fragile. im emotionally weak...physicaly sick. my spirit died many mths ago, together w my zest for life. i have no passion. i have no meaning in my life. im jst a hollow, shallow robot waiting for..nothing. jst livin day to day as it comes. # [ posted @ 4:30:00 AM ] pv i want to go wherever jinns going..take me there # Monday, March 17 [ posted @ 11:35:00 PM ] pv takin jinn to the vet tomorw, to hve the vet access her phy state...ultimately, whatever happs or not happs nex wk will depnd on tomorws exam # [ posted @ 9:50:00 PM ] pv is it beter to live a long mediocre life, w no passion, or a fantastic life, full of joy but cut short? i def choose the latter. # [ posted @ 9:03:00 PM ] pv this cant continue ne longer..crying coz i c jinn n i hate how shes ageing..shes old, cant walk nemore, shes lost control of not only her hind legs but her motions as well....almost evyone in the street stops to talk to me now, which ive learnd to accept i guess - veni says not to take it too -vely, to c this merely as acts of concern on their part, they dont mean nethin bad or malicious by givin me names of vets etc - but ting is, when they start talkin to me i burst into tears i ve a confessn: i want to put her down not coz i feel shes reachd the end of her life, but coz i cant take it ne more...the pain, the constant worry n stress...the sadness, the grief i feel....its indescribable...walkin her is so gutwrenching...the way she stands there unable to move coz shes to weak to walk...at the same time she hates it when i carry her..so both ways, i make her sad...i dont want her to hate me..but i cant bear to c her fall on her face evytime..when she collapses on her side n lays there, not moving..looking at me as if to ask me, "wats wrong w me? why cant i walk?" im so sorry jinn..im so sorry i cant help u...id do nethin to make u well again, give up my life for u, i swear to god.....but god wont let me..it cant b. veni is not pickin up her cell - i know her cell is in her locker AS is not either - i tink hes asleep i m cryin my heart out here n theres no one there # [ posted @ 10:57:00 AM ] pv [Private] You say to Guest:jm: do u blieve in soulmates? [Private] You say to Guest:jm: the whole 'the one' theory? [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: no i don't [Private] You say to Guest:jm: realy?! [Private] You say to Guest:jm: to both qstns? [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: no to both [Private] You say to Guest:jm: wow [Private] You say to Guest:jm: coz ure afraid [Private] You say to Guest:jm: i belive in soulmates yes n i blieve tht soulmates dont necessarily end up together [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: well if there is one, i have not found one [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: hmm maybe i did, but i lost her, so i would never know [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: no i don't r [Private] You say to Guest:jm: if u guys were soulmates..ud know [Private] You say to Guest:jm: n somehow somewhere u guys will b together, mebe in nother life, nother time [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: hmmm i really don't hv a reply to that one r [Private] You say to Guest:jm: thats wat both veni n AS told me..the 2 most imp ppl in my life so far: soulmates exist, n sad to say..u dont necesarily end up w em in this life [Private] You say to Guest:jm: but...someday, u will [Private] You say to Guest:jm: whn someone has touchd ur life in this inexplicable way..u know s/hes the one [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: well i have not come across mine then [Private] You say to Guest:jm: n mebe u guys wont end up together..but deep down u know s/he will always b urs, n urs only..n nothin n no one can change tht or take him/her away frm u [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: but given the way my life is, i hope i don't meet her r, coz only troulbe would come of it [Private] You say to Guest:jm: nah [Private] You say to Guest:jm: as i said..u dont ve to end up together [Private] You say to Guest:jm: u jst know..theres this divine bond tween the both of u [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: i know, but still, there will be feeling and someone has to get hurt [Private] You say to Guest:jm: n thats all tht matters..u dont ve to b together, or marry, or even b friends [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: well then i have no soul mate then [Private] You say to Guest:jm: theres no hurt involvd when u know ur n that persons place in ur life [Private] You say to Guest:jm: u jst r grateful u met him /her [Private] You say to Guest:jm: n that u found him/her [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: hmmm interesting point [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: but i have never, and i guess i never will [Private] You say to Guest:jm: dont say that [Private] You say to Guest:jm: so in a way, life is one big adventure [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: it is true r, it is how i feel [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: well that is why i don't feel there is a soulmate [Private] You say to Guest:jm: like each of us is just one half..n we re out there tryin to find the missin piece [Private] You say to Guest:jm: n whn uve found tht missin piece, ur life is complete..ur heart is one [private] Guest:jm speaks privately: well sometimes, i feel like sth is missing in my life, but i don't know if i would classifed that as me missing a soulmate [Private] You say to Guest:jm: n mebe u guys ve to sep or circumstances drive u apart..but u know that person is always only urs, n u r only theirs..no matter how many other missin pieces come ur way # [ posted @ 9:06:00 AM ] pv i dont get it..im agitated..restless..over wat? over jinn...over tatt....theres so much i wana do..but im too..........weak/hurt. i cant bring myself to do the stuff i gota do..evything reminds me of my sadness. my failures in life..evything reminds me of pain. evything reminds me of tatto..him n the love we once shared. i hate my life..i hate how my lifes turned out. i hate evything abt me n my life. # [ posted @ 9:00:00 AM ] pv i dont feel so good..i feel emotional, distant, upset. helpless, hopeless. # [ posted @ 7:16:00 AM ] pv im zonkd out today...n tomorw i gta b up real early again, for toddlers class at 9 in kwun tong...sooo far away. but at least ive prepard for it - i printd out coloring pages from fisher price, of some animals..n i ve story books for em to look at...hope tomorws class goes well..i gta speak w my boss after class tho, he says he wana increase my pay as well as discuss nother course he wants me to lead, from end-april till end-june turns out mom n dads anni is tomorw not today lol...today i was a bz bee, runnin bk n forth like a madwoman on drugs...after chattin w tom i was all peppd up to go get smth for em..id wantd to send mom n dad away for the nite, at a hotel or watever..but i figure neither of em wud b willin to take time off work, workaholics as they r..so i had nother idea instead: put their weddin pics on a pretty frame..ting is, i had no idea where they keep their wedding album...after ransakin their rm w no success, i had no choice but to use a flimsy cut out pic of em, kept in an old album sittin in the living rm which was gatherin dust...rushd to the photo dev place to ve em enlargd - i chose 2 pics, one weddin pic n the other of em dating? or jst newly married? watever...then walkd jinn..came home n prepard for todays class..then off to work - 2 trains, then the bus...finishd at 6..took the bus then 2 trains here to jordan to pick up the pics at 7..then nother train ride to admiralty, where the gift stores locatd...thought i shud get em some flowers too, so stoppd by at a florists n got 3 bright red sunflowers..came home at 8 smth, then realizd i forgot to buy doggie food so went bk down again to the supermart to get some...came home again, wrappd the pic frame - a lovely one if i may say so - its actualy a weddin frame, ceramic white w wedding rings atop the frame w some lovey dovey wordings on it...then v proud of myself, i put evything on their bed....neway mom was out tonite so i dint c her until jst abt an hr ago..n thts whn i told her i thought she was out w dad, celebratin their anni n she informd me that their anni is tomorw not today..so i trickd her into goin to the kitchen while i zoomed into their bedroom to take bk all the stuff - card, pressie, flowers hahaha..how embarrassin it wudve bn. neway..wonder if i shud greet em tonite after midnite or tomorw? ummmm. i tink tomrow... gna walk jinn in an hr, rite after the practice n absolutely fabulous....gna lay down in bed now. feelin tired... # Sunday, March 16 [ posted @ 11:52:00 PM ] pv stupid stupid day...feeling fucked up. tatto is out of town.....phaps gettin married to that bitch. die bitch die i realy have to get over him already # [ posted @ 7:18:00 PM ] pv its preposterous hks flagship paper the scmp charges viewers for accessin its articles online, given tht there is no other hk paper online that isnt fully abt hk...the scmps held a monopoly over hks news market for many decades now...few dailies ve tried to compete but theyve well come n gone..the closest publicatn up against the scmp is a bzness oriented daily, which cannot b compard to the scmp coz theyre vastly diffrent neway i slept pretty gd last nite, i turned in at abt 2!...wat a shocker..i tink thats my earliest time in many mths..apart from those times i was sick of course..but it was much needed sleep i mst admit..woke up at 9 but cont to sleep in till 10...ive got so much to do b4 class later today, after bloggin im gna get straight to it..still yawnin altho i tink its due to boredom n nothing else woke up just craving to speak to tatto, or mebe jst hear his voice..sigh. i m not falling in love w him again (i damn well hope)...i cudve calld him but i remm he has meetins monday mornings so i dint...yest he said i cud call him netime while hes at work..of course im not takin this liberally, but at least hes left the door open..but wat i hate is hes also left the ball in my court. like he always does..soooo convenient for him to jst sit there n wait for me to call him.. my room is a big mess, i dunno wat happ over at the wkend..papers evywhere mostly, n books as well..ive run out of shelf space so ive got nowhere to put em but pile em up here on my pc desk...n they r towerin way over my head here as i type...mom walkd in the other day n said "aiya, ur room is like a library!" oh toms online, will blog later...or whenever # [ posted @ 9:33:00 AM ] pv i mite b turning in now. im sleepy..or actualy, im really bored. i spoke w tatto late last nite/early this morning...it was good. altho stupid me had to ruin it this am when i woke up..thought he d still b in bed alone, like ne other sunday when he always sleeps in...wantd to catch him whn hes still asleep, tell him thx for spendin time w me last nite...so i called him..n he pickd up...all perky n chirpy. so i hung up - he obviously has bn up for a while, bright n early n happy..n no qstn abt it too - he obviously was w her. for all i know they were probly havin sex or wat not. i hung up, my insides rippd to shreds. sigh. yea..tink will go to bed. n hopefuly wake up early tomrw, for once. # [ posted @ 9:11:00 AM ] pv i feel beter now, after the shit i was feelin earlier this pm b4 i left for the library...gues it hit me again how jinn is old n phaps dying too, i jst cant bear to c her the way she is now..n when im reminded of how little time shes got here on earth, i get sad/angry/vulnerable/helpless/afraid...i jst hate it so much whn ppl look at her, then me, as if i abused her or smth..they give me the evil eye as if im not doin nethin to help her or make her beter, whn fact of the matter is..i love her more than life itself n id do nethin in my power to make her well...the most hurtful thing i get askd half the time is "ve u taken her to the vet?" n then they take it upon emselves to give me names/addies of vets..u stupid mothafuckers...dont judge me when u dont know nething abt me. i spent 3 hrs at the library..i dint intend to b there for tht long but somehow time jst flew by realy quick..i dint get much done tho :( it was like a fuckin zoo today, lotsa kids n babies stompin abt, it was noisy as hell w kids yellin/screamin n babies yelpin n mom n dads screaming back at their babies n kids....not to mention the gratuitous "SHHHHHHHHHHH" noises comin frm evywhere heheh...dint mind it one single bit tho, in fact i tink thts y i ended up stayin there for 3 hrs - i got too distractd watchin the kids in awe heh..kids r so cute. lookd thru some books, copied down the better ideas..yay, now i ve more craft ideas...i tink on tues for my toddlers class im gna do animals, coz i borrwd some bks on animals today n last wk as well...b4 bed tonite ill go thru the craft bks i borrwd n chk out wat animal craft i can prepare tomorw...mebe ill need to buy material like paper, pipe cleaners, stuff like that well veni smsd me while i was at the lib, she wantd me to meet her at church but i told her theres no way im gna make it on time...so i suggestd we meet up after church, for drinks, as a joke...oddly nuff she said ok, i mean she loves drinkin but not whn shes got to go to work the followin day..we met up at tst, went to murphys for some beer n chips...was fun, as always..i love spendin time w her...this is someone i can admit to myself that i love, someone i wudnt b able to live w o...we talked, turns out she was feelin lonely/weird today so she needed to go out..whn we got down to it, i startd spewin my shit too, abt jinn mostly..n i startd to cry....we had some funny moments too tho, like when we startd singin some stupid jingle from an ad on tv...her cousin works there at the bar we were at, so he got us shooters, on the hse...whoa just wat we needed...she had a cravin for curry so we went for indian after...it was nice. we re still tinkin abt when we shud get our navels pierced..jst last nite there was this report on tv, abt the number of ppl gettin hepatitis b via piercing bein on the rise...apprently theres no fixed health/hygiene standards these tattoo/piercin studios gota follow, coz they fall into the beauty category, not health..so the govt got no control over em..this hasnt realy scared us off, i mean we re goin to a reputable place..where i got my 3 tatts done...well neway she said shes broke this wk coz shes forkin out abt 2.5k ttomorw to get her edu qualificatns assessed by some educatn body..n jst last wk she dishd out 1.2k w me, to pay for the bellydancin course...mebe the wk after. i hope it doenst hurt.. will surf a bit then head to bed i tink...the beer is makin me feel a bit dozey # |
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