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Saturday, March 29 [ posted @ 7:06:00 AM ] pv AAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i came clean w veni n told her evything!!! shit. omg i ve nev bn soooooo embarrassed. :( theres nev bn an awkward moment w her until tonite...........fuck fuck fuck. i babbled like shit n i felt so weird n i jst wanted to go over there n tell her all sorts of things, watever i was feeling: that im sorry, that im happy, that i feel guilty, that i feel relieved, that i love her, that i hope she doenst hate me or disrespect me less over this...omg. shit. i need to....not think for a while. driving myself nuts. but at least evythings out in the open now phewwwwwwwwwwwww..sigh. :| # [ posted @ 12:00:00 AM ] pv ooooh jason from peta jst called. heavens..hes very very chatty. i tink we mite ve a problem here...u c, whn it comes to meetin ppl im painfully shy...ive always bn on my own, even whn i was a kid i was always alone, readin or talkin to myself heh..i jst likd bein on my own a lot...i liked to write tho, as i do now..n i had lots of penfriends. i wud always b either readin or writin...or i wud talk to kitty a lot, she was my best friend since the day we got her...mom n dad nev realy encouragd me n my bros to socialize or make friends hmm..lookin bk i tink i know y, coz fil kids here r a bunch of losers...i dont know y theyre that way here, they drop out of school or do drugs or get pregnant or do all 3..their parents dont seem to give a shit, coz i tink they know they ve no future here...fil kids here end up bein bartenders or waiters, the lucky few who happ to b blessd w some musical talent, they go on to become singers, musicians, some sort of entertainer...god help those not lucky nuff to b born w a pretty face, the career lifespan here for an entertainer is dependent solely on looks n figure. but usu whn ure past 30 ure old news, no matter wat u look like...fil chicks eventualy bcome waitresses at some sleazy bar, tarty uniform n cheap make up et al..da guys move on to b b-grade musicians at some smoke filled, cheesy niteclub. neway, im meetin jason tomorw at noon for coffee. blah. he says he ll b sporting a peta canvas bag n carryin some peta literature w him so that i can spot him. egads. # Friday, March 28 [ posted @ 10:34:00 PM ] pv i feel bloated n fat...had some rice w/sweet potato n then lots n lots of watermelon. i tink im ready to zZzzz sooooooo as xpectd, none of my students turnd up today. this despite my ringin up my boss last nite, tellin her phaps we shud cancel class coz nobodys gna show, given the pneumonia outbreak plus my kids r jst babies - barely 2-3 yrs old...naturally their parents wud wana keep em confined at home, wat more whn all schools ve bn forcd to close...who gives a shit abt tutorial ctrs? certainly not the parents. neway im gna b paid all the same hahhah..their fault..if my boss only listend to me yest they wudnt ve to pay me for doin nothing...hehh...well i stayd for the hr, since i felt it wud b distasteful of me to jst leave asap...took the train bk n then walkd for abt 40mins to get home. was a nice walk...i love bein in the streets, mindin my own bzness, listenin to my discman.... came home then walkd jin...now im gna clean my rm a bit n then send more job apps...read the paper...hmm do some dusting as well i tink....i feel great today, the weathers beautiful outside n i feel pretty relaxd n calm. also feel determined to get some work done, hence the job apps...tonite im gna go to the supermart w mom..get some stuff for jinn so that i can cook for her tonite or tomorw. feel like snoozin a bit tho lol, mebe i shud for jst cpl mins? hmmm. # [ posted @ 12:11:00 PM ] pv yawnnnnnnnnnn...sleepy. did a job app n sent my cv to 2 job agencies...well i hope smth works out, id like to get out of teachin n into the real world..godknows its abt time i did. had some cold tabs cpl hrs ago, n now im feelin sleepy...gta b up in 4 hrs for class, but in the pm i ve got absolutely nothing to do...yawnnnnn *blink blink* till tomorw..cheerz # [ posted @ 11:41:00 AM ] pv There is a vast difference between seeing life and living life. - Edgar Rice Burroughs # [ posted @ 9:08:00 AM ] pv well im home..n how awkward tonite went. nah..evything was fine till....venis bro joind us for dinn. umm her bro actualy rang me cpl days ago, askin if i cud go out..i said to him wat i tot he shud get into his head: "we cant go out, its not rite...ur sis is my best friend"..he said he cudnt get me outta his mind n stil wants us to try bein together..i said to him he shud kill watever feelins hes got abt us, the sooner the btr..i said even if i were to go out w him now, eventualy we d ve to break up coz we cant ve a future together. veni n i saw chicago..wow. thats all i can say. catherine zetajones was fantastic...i nev realy thought much of her until tonite, she really did deserve the academy award nod....the flick realy let her act, realy showcasd her talent. kudos to her, it was a great role n she was superbe..simply superb. as for renee hmmm..she was ok i gues. i dont tink she desrvd an oscar nominatn but nehow, she did gd as well..jst not gd nuff to warrant a nominatn as best actress. i dozd off at the start, n veni felt bad coz she thought i was bored n she was the one who pickd the movie. i said i wasnt bored at all, jst tht i was tinkin how chicago reminded me of moulin rouge, which in turn reminded me of tatto..sigh. n also id jst taken my meds so i was feelin drowsy. whn we left the plc, i chkd my cell for missd calls n found out tht venis bro had called. uh oh. of course i dint tell veni..rite?? but! later whn veni usd my fone to ring her bro jst to chk on him (veni left her fone at home today), her bro told her that he calld me jst cpl mins bk...arghhhhhhhhhhhh..later veni confrontd me: her: "he said he called u, did he?" me: "er yes, it was a misd call..he rang while we were seein the movie" veni: "y dint u tell me? did u know it was him?" me:"yea..the caller id said it was him" veni: "then y dint u tell me??" me: ............ it was weird..i felt so shit, so guilty...veni had jst caught me red handed lying to her :( well i dint realy lie to her..jst tht i kept smth from her, whn i shudntve :( shit........how was i spposd to know that he d let the cat out of the bag..he shudnt ve told her that he called me...now i feel veni hates me n doesnt trust me nemore..she probly tinks i keep secrets from her. urgh...n the only reason i dint tell veni he calld was tht i dint wana upset her..i dont want to jeopardize my friendship w her, nor her rel w her bro... neway veni said to him we were havin dinn n she askd him to come join us...he dint wana so veni passd the fone to me.."tell him to come ve dinn w us" whoa..so i did wat i was told "hey come here, we re havin pizza"..he said "do u really want me to come?" then laughed..."look dont b silly" i said. so he came..i nev had dinn w him b4, he chose to sit rite across from me altho he cudve (n shudve) sat across from his sis... dinn progressd..i dint eat much coz of my throat, n her bro kept pushin me to eat..then outta the blue he goes "when i take u out, wat r we goin to do w u if u dont eat nething??"..egads. veni was like "hellooooooo im here, cud u b quiet pls"..i was sooo embarrassd..i muttered "look jst eat ur food ok"..n then, silence. it was weird...sigh. i tink veni cud tell i was uncomfy thruout dinn....i droppd em off n then i walkd home..came home, walkd jinn..n now im here..im feelin tired, tink im gna head to bed soon...gta b up early tomorw, coz i got class...i doubt neone will turn up tho?..i rang up my boss today, sayin so. she said to come neway...darn it. wat if nobody shows, will i still get paid?? sigh. the place is almost 2 hrs away, it wud suck big time if nobody comes n i dont get paid for makin the journey it is total anarchy here..instead of bootleg cds, cdroms, vcds theyre sellin by the street corners, guess wat theyre pushin now...face masks!!!....unbelievable. "importd from japan, importd from japan!" the guy was hollerin..n b4 long a mega huge crowd had formd ard his pathetic little make up stall, eager hands were scrambling all over the place....u c, many pharmacies ve run out n even the govt - who wana give em out for free to students at school - they cudnt get hold of ne n will only start distributin the masks early april. barely cpl meters down the same road, nother guy was sellin facemasks too, only flashier n more absurd: cartoon decorated masks! omg. wat has the world come to..... gna change into my nightie..get an early nites sleep. i tink? hmm # [ posted @ 2:08:00 AM ] pv goin # [ posted @ 1:28:00 AM ] pv i m bein somewat productive today..day by day i gather the strength to forget the past...focus on the present..plan for the future. day after day i try to learn smth new, rediscover the joy n beauty in life again...reconnect w what ive lost touch, coz of wat ive bn thru the past 2 yrs...i want to find myself again, i want to b comfortable n happy w who i m, w wat i can offer...i think hard abt wat makes me a strong, worthy person..n i try to constantly remind n reassure myself that im a person still capable of findin meanin n purpose in the world we live in, the life i lead, the ppl around me... i did a lot of hsework today, altho ive def caught some bug or the other. my nose is now blockd, n my head is a throbbing mess. i try to forget the pain n continue w wat im doin...it helps me feel gd abt myself, finishin stuff im spposd to....today i also did some more readin, or usin the term alanis conjured, i engaged in intellectual intercourse heheh...apart frm the fact tht it keeps me bz, it also keeps my mind occupied. i jst need to avoid dwellin on the -ve, i tink..im sure ill b ok once i ooh veni jst calld. she wants to meet..like now. heavens. i told her i need to take a shower still n all that......umm shes given me 30mins. demanding girl hahah btr go get ready...will b bk early tonite for sure. coz i dont feel so good laterz # Thursday, March 27 [ posted @ 9:44:00 PM ] pv i m angry that i procratinate so much but i only procratinate bcos i have a heart, evything i do reminds me of tatto n it hurts like hell. i m angry that i dont ve a real job but i only dont ve a real job so i can spend time with n look after jinn. i m angry that my rooms in a mess, i have too many tings. but i only ve too many tings coz i m fortunate nuff to buy myself stuff that i want. i m angry that i feel like a failure all the time, coz mom n dad tink so highly of me but they only tink so highly of me bcos they r proud of me n believe in me n my abilities. i m angry that i cant eat wat tastes good, that those in power ve made eating dead animals a normal thing to do but that only gives me more drive, more reason to stand up for wat i believe is right. i m angry that im not as thin as i want to b but that only makes me realize evyones warped perception of the word 'thin', i know i m not fat n that i weigh just right. i m angry that i m broke so often but that only helps to keep my heart n mind in check, money is the root of all evil. i m angry that i only have one true friend but that makes me only treasure, love n appreciate her more. i m angry that i still love tatto, despite wat ive gone thru, despite the fact that hes moved on with his new family. but that is proof that i m only human, with passion n feelings n a heart still open to love. that is proof that i m alive n living, for a life without feeling n loving is a life not worth living. # [ posted @ 1:00:00 PM ] pv * us pows: - chief warrant officer david s williams (30): father to jason (2), madison (5 mos)..captured when his helicopter went down during heavy fighting. been in the military 12 yrs...wife also a military pilot. - edgar hernandez (21): served as truck driver...been in the military 3 yrs, jst 3 months away from finishing - planned to settle down n get married - patrick miller (23): father to a boy (4) n a girl (7 mos)..joined the army last yr to pay off student tuition loans. part of maintenance crew, served as welder. - army spc shoshana johnson (30): mother to janelle (2): joined the military 5 yrs ago as a cook - army spc jseph hudson (24): father to cameron (5)..also part of maintenance crew - sgt james riley (31): joined the army when he was 18..has served in korea n saudi arabia. repairs tanks - chief warrant officer ronald young jr (26): helicopter pilot, enlisted 3 yrs ago * the allied forces ve allegedly captured 2000 iraqi pows. * 47 allied troops dead (killed in action, accidents, or friendlies) * 350 iraqi civilians dead # [ posted @ 12:14:00 PM ] pv pows being executed..sigh........how the hell can ne one say that this war is justified???????? # [ posted @ 12:08:00 PM ] pv pows have been executed..sigh........how the hell can ne one say that this war is justified???????? # [ posted @ 12:03:00 PM ] pv NO WAR NO WAR NO WAR NO WAR NO WAR NO WAR click here NO WAR NO WAR NO WAR NO WAR NO WAR # [ posted @ 11:44:00 AM ] pv oh gawd. ive fallen sick..i mstve caught smth....i feel like absolute shit. :( i jst dozed off tonite, was spposd to b for jst 10mins but its bn more than 2 hrs!..even set the clock to ring but i mstve been so tired i slept thru...early this afternoon i slept too, i was feelin so drained n my head n eyes were hurting. sigh...im coughing, my head hurts, overall i feel lethargic n i feel very burned out...umm im burning up actualy. but i dont tink ive a fever? i jst woke up. i left the pc on tinkin id sleep for jst 15mins or so...sigh. my head still hurts :( im takin cold tabs n painkillers...my throats feelin itchy tho. v v sleepy... the hk govts finaly taken action on the sars thing n tonite releasd concrete guidelines on combatting it..quarantine, forced isolation, suspension of classes, preventative measures..evyone who has the disease/those suspectd of havin it will b kept isolated at this one hospital, away from evyone. n if they tink u stand the chance of bein infectd, they ve the rite to put u under house arrest..they ll make u stay home for up to 2 wks, n if u break the isolation rule they can put u in jail. heavens. theyre also bannin ne tourist from enterin our hosps, n schools r gna b closed till 7 april, as w sing. sigh...so all my classes r automaticaly cancled, plus im not gona b paid :( hehe veni says she ll take me out, her shout - i said nah, who wants to go out neway..not realy safe n btr for us to steer clear of crowded places....lol she said we can stil go out clubbin but we jst gta wear masks..crazy girl....hehh..well her classes got canceled too so mebe we ll go out clubbin nex wk? yea yea...im insane. im gna head bk to bed now. my head hurts n i feel realy sick..im hopin this clears up in cpl days, if not ill probly c the doc jst in case...tomorw yet nother day of sloth. this isnt half bad...AS has bn writin me lately, hes so sweet...readin his mails make me cry..hes been so good to me. makes me feel even worse, knowin wat ive put him thru in the past. tatto? bah screw him. i still feel pretty gd abt not makin myself available or accessible to him...c that was the answer: i jst had to avoid him altogether instead of pine for him, miss him..talk to him, have him tell me all these nasty things. fuck u, tatto. fuck u n ur ego. whnever he turnd up to chat, he d always end up makin me feel really bad by puttin me down...by criticizing me, criticizing how i was..by openly regretin wat we had.......AS IF! u bastard!! thank u for loving me my ass!! watever u arrogant sonofabitch...watever........... shit feel like throwing up. i realy need to go zzzZzz. # Wednesday, March 26 [ posted @ 9:22:00 PM ] pv oh correctn: first france n italy cancled, then argentina. the replacement teams r namibia (!), tonga (!!) n the netherlands # [ posted @ 9:11:00 PM ] pv so today i lost my mind n hoppd on the bandwagon along w evyone else - i wore a mouth/nose mask...but! note: i only put one on coz i ve a touch of the flu n i do not want evyone avoidin me like the plague..whn ppl cough here, evyone looks at u funny..they give u snide looks n others even move away from u. i swore whn i sneezd today on the train (w the mask on) 2 ppl stared at me as if i commitd the most heinous crime. wearin a mouth/nose mask feels exactly like wat it looks like: suffocating. its hot under there, n u lose ur breath coz u cant inhale n xhale properly...the added disadv is tht ur peripheral vision is severely compromisd - abt 33%, if u ask me. u cannot c ur feet, look inside ur bag, dig into ur pockets..walkin down stairs is an arduous task: i had to remove my mask the first cpl times for fear id slip n stumble down the steps causing a fantastic scene. phew.. but whn the death count is 11, n those seekin treatment numbers ard 350, w abt 30 new cases evyday: u ve a serious problem..i go to shatin twice a wk, where the outbreak startd n eventualy spread worldwide...7 dead in canada, 1 in sing, 300+ on the mainland, 4 in vietnam....schools in the area ve closd at least for a wk, n all over the territory abt 80 schools ve suspended classes as well (in sing all schools close till the 7april).. its an awesome sight, really...ppl on the street wearin face masks as if caught in the middle of chemical/biological warfare..some ppl r even wearin masks w iso approvd stamps prominently choppd on them. i saw this one chick, her mask had a snap-on flap - so whn she gta speak all she gta do is unclasp the flap n voila no mufflin sound. 2 teams ve bcked out of the sevens - not sure if the events gna b canceld altogether - n old bugger andy williams has canceld his upcomin concert too....ohhh hospitals r cuttin down on the scale of operatns as well coz theres not nuff staff at hand...yes, thats how serious it is here. i hope this clears fast, we re totally bein alienatd by the rest of the world. # [ posted @ 4:51:00 PM ] pv let the war stop. let there be peace. # [ posted @ 9:15:00 AM ] pv oh yea. happy 1st birthday to baby asees!!! # Tuesday, March 25 [ posted @ 9:31:00 PM ] pv i need to get a job...i feel its the only way to impede my path to yet nother downward spiral, i ve not bn feelin too good these days n i want to get out b4 it gets me i cough up blood evy day, but only in the mornin..this scares me somewat, its bn happenin evy single day for more than a month now..i will c the specialist, but only whn i ve the money. at the moment i m broke again, so i cant do much..i cant even take jinn to the vet yet, for her check up sometimes u jst dont wana know. or u feel like shit u rather attribute ur feelin dpressed/down/sad to ur physical sickness than ur mental state...im not so strong as i wana b. i wana jog to pass the time (n lose some weight while im at it) but i know im not eatin nuff (or at least not eatin the rite foods) to run..i get dizzy a lot..my teeth/gums bleed..overall smth is not rite, phaps the vegan thing is takin its toll...its bn 2 yrs rite? if im so great, so special as u say.y do i feel like the most worthless person on earth? y do i feel like such a failure? y do i feel like ive let evyone down, most of all my parents? im crying as i write this...wat u said..i wish i cud bring myself to believe. but i jst dont..at best i tink im more intelligent than evyone else, yes, but y havent i accomplishd nething? that makes me feel much much worse..i know i ve lots to offer, but nobody wants to ve nething to do with it or with me..i find i only ve one person to help me deal w my demons n thats veni, but its too much stress for her...i dont like takin her to the dark w me. even last wk whn jinn was realy ill, i dint turn to her..i was crying evyday, n i wud burst into tears newhere n evywhere..n i knew i cud do nothin abt it. i knew i had no one. wat i said to u abt us being where we r now, evything being my fault - is the truth. there is smth seriously wrong w me for me to ve fucked up such a perfect rel, to ve done all the hurtful things i did...i cant take nething bk, its too late..my biggest regret remains the hurt n pain n suffering ive caused u..n uve done nothing evil despite all this, n u still want to b friends w me - that i m v grateful for. mebe i dont know how to love, or mebe im undeserving of it. watever it is, i know i dont want to love nething or neone but jinn rite now. i dont want neone..i dont blieve i cud ever love someone again. i dont know how to, without hurting him or hurting myself i live with so many hurts, so much bitterness towards wat i once thought was the end-all and be-all to life. evything i once believed in, so sure n confident of myself, of my values n principles n mores. now - they r nothing, they mean nothing. not only ve they rendered evything i used to live for useless n meaningless, but i m left confused, bewildered, clueless about life. i dont know y im here..i dont see the purpose of bein here. if evyday is 24 hrs of disillusionment, disarray n misery - what is the point? where is the point? i only want a job to pay the bills. deep down i know im still not ready to b w ppl. still not ready to b in the real world..im still so vulnerable n sad. today i will spend all my time reading the paper. i ve no work today coz theyve cancled my classes (w no pay)..60 kindergartns all over hk ve stoppd school, n many parents r insisting that all schools b shut down altogether..yest there were 26 new cases. they r giving away free face masks at all kcr stations. evy 5th person u c in the street, on the train - they r wearin masks. its like we re in some warzone, gearing up for some chemical attack. evyone is paranoid n afraid...this fear, this uncertainty we live w, evy day, is not a gd thing..we dont feel safe nemore. there is no such thing as security..ppl r afraid to get out of their houses..kids r being locked up...wat has the world become? wat ve ppl bcome? n wats to become of u, me, the man on the street? we shud jst all b annihilated, n the human race exterminated..let the animals roam the world freely, in their own true joy n innocense n purity. # [ posted @ 7:42:00 PM ] pv la coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point # [ posted @ 7:31:00 PM ] pv i love my parents..but im afraid ill come to resent, then hate em, for leaving me no choice but to go on living in a world i truly hate n despise n m suffering in. a world which brings me pain evyday. a world n life i want no part of.... how do u get out of this situatn? im not afraid of gods wrath..ive lost faith in Him. i ve let Him go..i thought i found him again late last yr..but it was only 1 step fwd..n 2 steps bkwards..i blieve in god, n i m eternaly grateful He gave me wat ive ever only asked Him for in my whole life: to spare tatto. i said to Him to take my life, n breathe life into tatto instead..You - in ur divine power n grace - gave tatto his health. and not only did You let me keep my life, but You gave me tattos heart: You gave me the love of a perfect human being.. but i still lost You. You will always b present in my life in some form or the other..but ive lost my faith in You. n i ve acceptd that..n ive made my peace w You..to have death thoughts..to want to die...i know i ve spoken to You, n ve askd for ur forgiveness for not wanting to live..for wantin to return the gift of life You gave me. i m not ungrateful. jst tht ive bn dealt w v unfair cards in this game. its not fair..n i know lifes not spposed to b fair. but i was not built to b strong. i ve always bn haplessly weak. but ive tried so hard to b tough..n still i get hurt..im tired now. i lost faith in friends n friendship..i m convincd that ppl dont care abt u, tht ure on ur own. only bcos of veni, i m holdin on dear life..she said once, in all seriousness: if u ever kill urself, ill really hate u. i will also nev forgive u..that was nuff..i love her too much to not want her to hate me, even in my death..esp in life of evything shes done. but..deep down....i know she understands me..n deep down...i know she wud understand, if im to do it again...n this time round - succeed at it. my parents..my loving, caring parents. i have the most wonderful folks in the world... how do u not let em down whn u re the type of person i m, whn u tink the thoughts i do..i m such a failure. in evy respect..i want them to know that they r great, wonderful parents...tht i wudnt ask for more..but dammit, i keep failing them..i hate myself more knowing ive failed them, knowin i fail them evyday....but they dint do nethin wrong...i m jst not worthy enuff...i hate failing them. i jst hate myself more n more..then i start to hate them too, for loving me. for their stupid belief in me. for their pride in me..its so much stress, so much pressure. im not who they tink i m, or wud like to blieve i m.. i want u all to leave me alone. stop. leave me b... u come n ull go neway..i rather u not give a damn abt me or my life to bgin with..let me live my own life the way i want to. n dont u dare care..dont u dare b sad..dont u dare cry... # [ posted @ 12:15:00 PM ] pv i will never b the same again # [ posted @ 12:12:00 PM ] pv i wil always b harboring suicidal thoughts. hidden beneath me..it surfaces evy day..but the goodness n beauty of ppl n the world we live in overshadow my desire for death. but there r bad days, realy bad days..whn i want to sleep again. n i ve to resist evy urge to follow my thoughts, my heart. i tink of my parents. if i had no family, i wudnt b here..i dont want to cause them grief or pain. but how much more of this can i take. i keep pushing the limits.... # [ posted @ 12:03:00 PM ] pv i wish there was a switch we cud flick n we cud jst end it all. i stoppd living for myself a long time ago. i m tired... b4 long..u urself stop caring abt the guilt, the pressure to survive for them. # [ posted @ 11:54:00 AM ] pv somtimes i lose myself. its an intense hit of depression/helplessness n it realy hurts. the sadness, the tears, the hopelessness. how did u get past this? the heaviness ur heart feels..yet the rest of u is numb. u see nothing n hear nothing. n u feel only pain. ur head hurts..it hurts so much its like a migraine. tears seem to uncontrollably fall but u dont know that ure crying. u try to grasp sense of y this is happening to u..but u cant think. ur mind is literally empty. deperately trying to find sense, rationality. but there is none.. all that is there is physical pain. ur stomach hurts. ur eyes..sometimes u feel like vomiting. u stiffen up. u feel so hard on the outside..but inside ure falling apart. evy part of u is tumbling. u feel ure being demolished, like an old bldg crumbling down..debris, dust, metal evywhere. emotionaly it is indescribable. twisted. u feel twisted....wrung. u feel that ure dead..physicaly dead.but very much alive inside, but feeling only terror, hurt, desolation, dpression. like ure trapd inside a dark coffin n u cant get out. u see nothing. but ure trapped..unable to move.u scream but the sound bounces bk to u. no one hears u..theyve forgoten abt u. they dont care abt u. u stil scream for help. but no one cares..they move on, without u. without a single thought abt u. u r buried underground..alone, afraid, in so so much pain. nobody loves u. nobody cares. ure jst a figment of past memory, one of many. n suddenly the promise of the end brings u peace. its no longer a coffin. but ur world..a world u grow accustomed to. i m feeling suicidal rite this moment. # [ posted @ 7:34:00 AM ] pv oh i m so so so so happy! i jst cookd for jinn again..hehehh i m sooo happy w myself n jinn is even more happy. i love seein her happy...she was waitin by my feet the whole time, heheh she is so cute...hahah i ve not cookd since i was livin in sydney more than 2 yrs ago lol...i love cookin actualy, i jst dont ve the time here in hk..apart frm that its also not worth my energy, time, effort to cook for jst one person..n vegan ingredients r nex to impss to get here neway..unless i wana live on a diet of stir fry veggies..at least in sydney food there was soooo varied...its ez as pie maintainin a veg*n diet..even ezier to shift frm an animal-eatin diet to a veg*n one neway..heh i askd mom to get some chiken for jinn..then i surfd the net for recipes...turns out doggies can eat almost nethin (xcept chocs, raisins, onions - they can b lethal)..whn i was little someone told me eggs were definitely bad for em, but all homemade dog cookies ve egg in em..wish i cud cook jinn some cookies but we dont ve an oven...gna ve mom get me some more veggies n other ingredients so i can cook for jinn tonite i cookd sauted sliced chicken w mashed veggies n scrambled eggs hmm if i was still a dead-animal eater i wudve had some too haha walkin jinn now. hmmm tomorw i ve absolutely nothin to do....... # [ posted @ 1:14:00 AM ] pv heavens. slept for 4 straight hrs!! shit..........gta go to shatin now, to sit in at a coworkrs class... wana chk out how he runs his class..sigh, tomorws classes ve bn cancled...gna do nothing all day :( runnin late.....later # Monday, March 24 [ posted @ 9:40:00 PM ] pv sleepy... jst had food, hve yet to change then mebe ill take a quick nap....this mornins class went SHIT..nobody was listenin to me n the moms cudnt control (dint wana?) their own kids...at one point i was 'readin' a story to jst one kid as the others buzzd ard the rm..felt like an idiot. a complete idiot...i felt so incompetent :( glad its over...n then i had to speak w my boss for a while, so i stayd bk an hr....went to the supermart to get some food for jinn, then headed to the buddhist plc to get food for me..went bk home, then went out again to walk jinn its so hot today, the sun is brightly shinin...i tink summer is here n summers here to stay...gna start cleanin out my closet, chuck out some winter clothes i guess..there is simply no more space there..my bed is full of clothes...feelin lazy n dozey now, gna feed jinn n give her her meds now gta start tinkin of the topic for nex wks class..sigh. mite go to the lib on friday..since i dont ve work this wk. my toddlers: tung tung, chloe, ariel, chi chi, wai wai, lap lap, oscar, yo yo...chloe n tung tung r so cute, today they said my name for the v first time n i was over the moon...... n i also missd tim like nething :( i almost felt the tears wantin to spill outta my eyes....i realy realy miss tim. :((((((((((((( but i cant bring myself to ask tatto abt the little tyke, coz he ll def mention that cunt too n im not ready...my blood boils whnever i jst so much tink of her - that bitch, she shud rot in hell after a slow n agonizing death.............fuck u, i wish u were dead..... # [ posted @ 11:53:00 AM ] pv sigh. 10 ppl ve died frm pneumonia here....its apalling. my boss is cancelin classes for a week, afraid...shes hopin the epidemic clears by nex wk..tomrow shes gna ring up all the kids parents to tell em that the place is gna b closd...soooo for 7 days ill b idle, bored to death..sittin here in my rm driving myself nuts as i tink myself to death. fuck...plus, i wont b paid..damn damn damn..n i thought id b earnin more dosh than usual this mth too, coz of the new toddlers class i took up this mth..sigh. honestly, i dont tink much of the whole pneumonia ting..in fact i find it silly, a bit funny seein ppl wearin mouthmasks..but i c scruffy tourists w their sleepin bags on their bks, clutchin their lonely planet guidebooks wearin mouthmasks n i feel offended. jesus christ. we re not xactly in the middle of africa w dengue fever or e coli spreadin evywhere...go bk to where u came from, u ignoramuses. evy 10th person on the street is wearin a mask...def kids r stayin at home n not goin to school coz of it..today out of my reg 8 kids, only 3 turnd up..speakin of class, it was so shit today...i lost my temper n i had to refrain frm shoutin..nonetheless i did glare at em a few times, n i also snappd the book shut whn they werent listenin, or cudnt care to listen..n then whn they werent doin their writin exercises, they kept playin n talkin... i jst snatchd the papers n flung em across nother table. tonite i spent all nite preparin for tomorws toddlers class..surfd the net for craft ideas (here n here r great sites)..then i had to draw, cut, cut some more, xperiment...i jst finishd abt an hr ago, im buggrd n tired but feelin satisfied i got a lot done...i guess w this whole wk bein free coz of the cancld classes i mite do major cleanin here in my rm..btr keep myself bz b4 i start to think...shit, i know wat tinkin does to me - drives me off the wall. n thts an understatement..sigh. wat more w the whole tatto situation too...blah. FUCK d.o. n.o.t. t.i.n.k. gna head to bed..gota b up in 2 n a half hrs. b bk in the afternoon to walk jinn n then early evenin im off to observe my coworkers class, jst to c how he runs his class...im sure ill learn smth. tonite iraqi tv showd vid footage of us pows, bein interrogatd on tv by their captors..my heart is with them. i realy hope they make it home safe n sound, godspeed...sigh..theyre so yng. ones only 23, n hes got 2 babies at home..theyve captured a woman too. sigh.....all this is so dpressing. # [ posted @ 4:39:00 AM ] pv sorry, but i jst have to say this: usa = the land of excess, its disgusting....in the meantime it sends its babies off to fight a war which shudve never startd in the first place. fuck u, george bush..fuck u for sittin there in all ur socalled glory while u send ur nations boys to their deaths. # [ posted @ 4:32:00 AM ] pv eh, who realy cares abt the oscars....i jst wana c wat ppl r wearin. # Sunday, March 23 [ posted @ 8:29:00 PM ] pv sometimes i feel sad not only cos hes changd into someone ive come to not like, but also coz i tink that mebe hes the way he is now coz of me..mebe if we nev met he d a wholly diffrent person...a better, more decent person...but now, phaps coz we lovd each other so much, coz we gave each other evything of ourselves - our past, present, future, hopes, dreams, aspirations, heart, soul, our infinity - n then we lost each other...hes even more disillusioned n pained than me...so he learnd to b cold, like a cold cold machine..bloody losin track of evything in life - its jst work, work, money, power, work, money, power, contracts - i dont recognize this man. for sure this is a man i cannot bring myself to like, or look up to..but i still remm n know who i fell in love with...who im stil in love with...mebe i jst fool myself whenvr i tink of him now, coz i dont c the insensitive, shallow bastard he is now - i c the loving, most generous man i fell in love w..the beautiful person i loved, nothing spared.....he was perfect. he loved me perfectly. n i loved evy molecule that was him, evy body cell, evy dirt that was on his skin, evy single bit...i breathed him, n only him, n only for him. i dont know wats happened to u...i feel like i failed u. r u jst really a cold, uncaring, ungrateful, pompous n money hungry sonofabitch....or did i do this to u? coz if i did this to u..ill regret we met. bcos i dont want to tink that my love poisoned u....... # [ posted @ 8:18:00 PM ] pv him: "hi, r u ok, wats wrong?" (in a panic) me: "er, nothing..dont worry abt nethin" him: "but wats it all about, commemorate what??" me: "umm uknow me..stupid me how i remm dates n numbers n figures" him: "oh" me: "nothing important" him: "nothing important?" me: "well at least to u its not important i guess" (else u wudnt b asking u dumb bastard) him: "ok ok" me: "no big deal...dont worry" him: "ok, but where r u now?" me: "home" him: "dont u ve class today?" me: "no mondays i start late" him: "oh ok..well catch u tonite" me: "yea sure" him: "take care" me: "u too" him: "bye..chaolo" me: "chaolo" # [ posted @ 7:02:00 PM ] pv dance as tho nobodys watching love as tho uve never been hurt before sing as tho no ones listening live as tho heavens on earth # [ posted @ 6:43:00 PM ] pv gd morning to me. got a nice wake up call from veni, sayin how she dozd off last nite so she cudnt call bk....i tink we were both sleepy last nite whn we were talkin in the bar...n a smidgen tipsy coz of the beer, so we said some stupid things..evythign shud b ok now. how can they not b ok? heheh..we had a great time last nite. we chkd out bkstores to buy books n school supplies for our kids..n then went for a drink at mes amis..we got real chummy here coz the place was so comfy, great music too...we wantd to drink some more but dint feel quite at home..coz we re usd to loud bangin music n more 'earthy' ambiance hahah..so we headed to - where else? - chasers, of course..our reg spot...the waitress we know realy well, actualy roques gd friend there (who i swear has a thing for roque..even whn roque n i were together the way she d act ard us....grrrrrrr..oh but no hard feelins, roque nev responded to her advances n neway she wud nev mistreat me..of cos, for fear roque wud hate her hahah)..neway, she led us in n gave us the best table, as usual...it is nice they still talk to me altho roques not there nemore...said hi to the usual staff...our fave band was there last nite, but we only watchd one set coz we promisd each other to leave tht place by 11pm at the latest..which we did. whoa, for the first time we stuck to a pre stated time..ohh joren was there, the guitarist i dancd w the last time we were there - hehehh we smiled while they were on stage. blah, no..i jst tink hes real nice. on the down side, i dint do nethin yest sigh..well at least i cookd jinns food..i stil need to do so many things tho. sigh...ill b watchin tv most of tonite..hmm gta prepare for tomows toddlers class. let me get the day startd..wash my face, say hi to jinn, do some cleanin ard my rm, etc. i hope todays a gd day for me. # [ posted @ 11:26:00 AM ] pv oh, n one more thing: veni..one day i will tell u that i love u. sorry abt today. its not u..pls dont tink that it was u..it had nothing to do w u. im so glad u said wat u did..jst pls dont tink that its coz of wat u said that i was actin weird tonite...i wish i cud tell u wats realy goin on, but i promise u, its for ur own sake i hve to keep it from u....i wud nev hurt u, or let neone hurt u...pls trust me on this one. u cant know abt wats goin on..jst know that i love u. # [ posted @ 11:21:00 AM ] pv exactly a yr today, as we speak, i was comatose, havin od-ed on sleepin pills...5 hrs later, someone found me n i was rushd to the hosp..there, they pumpd out my stomach amongst a dozen or so other things..eventualy i was kept in a crazy ward for more than a wk. things wud never b the same again. happy d-day anniversary to me...one yr ago today i almost met my maker. # [ posted @ 8:06:00 AM ] pv oh..im home btw. let me change then blog later # [ posted @ 8:05:00 AM ] pv the followin is frm this afternoon but stupid blogger kept fuckin up so i cudnt post it..i swear since google took over blogger its not bn the same, pages keep disappearin, its hard to log on, there r always server probs...blah, fuck blogger...if this keeps on i mite move to nother host == meetin veni in cpl mins..shes getin ready. she wants to buy school supplies, which theyre gna reimburse her for...hm im broke so hopefuly we dont do dinn heheh...will b bk tonite, no late nite tonite coz we both r pretty tired..plus i realy wana get some stuff done here at home. damn i need to call sony one of these days...shes bn tryin to talk to me for a while n she always catches me whn im bz...so i tell her tht ill call bk, which i nev get the chance to..wtf can i do, our daily schedules clash like shit..i m mostly free at nite/early evenin coz of work durin the day but nites she reserves for the inlaws...heavens, tht girls gta get her priorities straight...whn i tink of this i get really angry n frustrated :( i hope whn (if) i get maried i wont ever forget my friends...theres this sayin "boys come n go but ur gfs will stick by u no matter wat"...i know i wont ever dump my friends the way i feel ive bn dumped, shit that wud stink if i were to do that..i tink id really really hate myself..coz husbands n wives fight, husbands n wives separate n divorce, husbands n wives hate each other, husbands n wives turn out to b each others worst enemies...but gfs will always love each other, come wat may.....may veni n i b friends for life, i wudnt last w o her thats for sure... whoops, that was a rant..jst lettin off steam...i jst wish things were a lot btr tween me n my high school friends....its frustrating.. sigh...tink im loggin off for now. # |
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