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Saturday, April 5 [ posted @ 10:21:00 PM ] pv hmmm..i know y nothin gets done here. y i hvent bn able to clean up my rm the way im dyin for it to b...money! i simply dont ve the dosh to spend..ummm...the more i clean n organize the more stuff that needs to b kept n maintaind..eg, books need bkshelves..stuff from old loves tht need to b packd away n hidden out of sight for good, they need to b stuffd in boxes, or em plastic type container thingies, under the bed...n clothes need space! shit i ve too many clothes n no more space in my closet..i mite ve to turn to the last resort: chuck the older or less usd ones to make way..sigh....ohwel i gta get my clothes for the summer out neway. n keep the winter ones....hmm shit, so much to do :( the most imp ting tho, is to send tatt his stuff...rite now they r takin up allll the space under my bed, so evything else ve bn relegatd to the floor, on my bed, bhind my bedrm door, outside in the livin rm, on my pc desk, my chair ARGH. i so hate my rm rite now....i askd veni last nite if she cud come by n help me organize evything, she lovesss doin that sorta ting..she said sure y not, but frankly speakin, im afraid of wat she ll discover hiddin in my closet - both literaly n figuratively heh - n she ll probly want me to trash evything ..hmm esp stuff from AS, tatto n roque...i m stil not ready for that...i sometimes hate the fact tht i m sentimental as hell, i end up keepin evy lil single momento tht reminds me of....the gd times we had. my tums grumblin..tink im gna go cook up some food...i stil hvent goten round to payin my bills, i must get this done by tomow or else.gulp..... i need to go eat..i feel like shit for some reason. mebe foodll cheer me up... # [ posted @ 12:56:00 PM ] pv wat an unproductive day..i feel so unmotivated these days. i hate it...theres so much to do. i nev get round to doin em coz i jst dont ve the motivation...sigh where to start. whn i tink abt the stuff tht needs to b done i get a migraine, a headache...the stress is overwhelming...it kills me inside...enuff talkin abt all this, i feel my stomach beginnin to churn...ugh sigh. i miss stan. i dont like hendra at this point...in fact, i hate him. watever. stupid stupid day........ # [ posted @ 12:20:00 PM ] pv 201 great questions for married couples - jerry d. jones (navpress) hannibal - thomas harris (arrow) italian cooking (family circle) stir fry & pan fry recipes (family circle) new ways with vegetables (family circle) curries (womens weekly) indonesian cooking (family circle) brilliant chicken recipes (family circle) desserts made easy (jb fairfax press) vegetarian (womens weekly) fast workday dinners (family circle) hawai'i cooks from the garden - maili yardley (mutual) the scorecard: keeping score in the relationshpi game - greg gutfeld (chameleon) living the simple life - elaine st. james (hyperion) our love is too good to feel so bad - mira kirshenbaum (avon) tangled in the web - dr kimberly s young (1st books library) cooking with kurma - kurma dasa (chakra press) # [ posted @ 2:42:00 AM ] pv wel i met up w jason for coffee then we hung out at hmv for abt an hr or so..browsd thru the local artists sectn, he was showin me which singers he wana use for peta shoots to air/run here in hk...since theyre targettin the local community they gta use local celebrities. hes def got christy chung on his bks, shes already agreed to do smth neway it was kinda fun bein w him at hmv, in a more relaxd setting..whn we re drinkin coffee hes so serious n we always talk abt al/ar stuff..which is all fine n gd w me but then again u always want or need to know abt the person ure talkin to yea...hes got great taste in music i learnd lol, i dint know ne of whoever he was talkin abt..i bought 3 cds: the fixed lp by nin, the daredevil soundtrack n craig davids slicker than ur average album..hes so damn sexy. one ting jason told me freakd me out tho: he said he doesnt buy cds of ppl who wear fur, or ppl who openly go against compassionate livin...he said he ll listen to their music but wont give em ne money hmm...i hope hes not that much of a freak. i mite get turnd off to the cause n i def dont want that...bk in syd eg, i met up w someone from the alf n he was so damn xtreme it imme put me off, i dint wana ve nethin to do w him afterwards...pity, coz i did wana volunteer at the alf..but he jst gave me goosebumps all over. hm gta walk jinn soon....i tink ill do more job apps tonite. sorta ve been tinkin abt stan all day. i miss da guy...... # [ posted @ 1:58:00 AM ] pv Wish (Remix) - nin this is the first day of my last days I built it up now I take it apart climbed up real high now fall down real far no need for me to stay the last thing left I just threw it away I put my faith in god and my trust in you now there's nothing more fucked up I could do wish there was something real wish there was something true wish there was something real in this world full of you i'm the one without a soul i'm the one with this big fucking hole no new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell gotta listen to your big time hard line bad luck fist fuck don't think you're having all the fun you know me I hate everyone wish there was something real wish there was something true wish there was something real in this world full of you I want to but I can't turn back but I want to # [ posted @ 1:50:00 AM ] pv its not abt winnin or losin..its abt living, learning n moving on, as a stronger, wiser person...a little bit at a time. # [ posted @ 1:34:00 AM ] pv Gave Up - nin perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most forgot how it feels well almost no one to blame always the same open my eyes wake up in flames it took you to make me realize it took you to make me realize it took you to make me realize it took you to make me see the light smashed up my sanity smashed up my integrity smashed up what i believed in smashed up what's left of me smashed up my everything smashed up all that was true gonna smash myself to pieces i don't know what else to do covered in hope and vaseline still cannot fix this broken machine watching the hole it used to be mine just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline of the trust i will betray give it to me i throw it away after everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become i tried i gave up throw it away # Friday, April 4 [ posted @ 10:39:00 PM ] pv im off..hehe i showd mom all my animal lib literature, in the vague hope she converts...yea riteeee...neway at least she knows wat im up to, wat im into..told her im meetin jason now, she had all sorts of qstns..esp whn i told her hes bn banned from visitin india again coza the trouble he stirred up while he was frontin peta there. gta go, still need to go to the bank to get some money out b4 i meet him laterz # [ posted @ 1:04:00 PM ] pv LOL jst chattd w stan again....he is SO funny hahahha..shit hahehahe he gagged me tonite hehe...wat a sweetheart he is =) <3 # [ posted @ 11:58:00 AM ] pv i ve a major headache n i feel dizzy...need. sleep. zzZzzzzzzzzzzzz # [ posted @ 11:34:00 AM ] pv hmmm...major revelatns tonite, whn stan n i chattd over msn. im surprisd...pleasantly surprised i gues. but u nev know..phaps he was jst in one of em moods, feelin emotionaly vulnerable...n i jst happ to b online, so he got soppy...mebe he dint mean evything he said? but it was fun chattin w him neway....of course nothin beats talkin to him in person...but whn i chat w him i remm his face, his mannerisms, his voice, his sweetness. n i love him more n more the more i remm him..hehe...its somewat strange tho that prior to all this we nev so much even wrote to each other, n at first id resent him for that..but latr i got usd to it..i dint need to write him so often, i startd to miss him less...coz i had this blog i guess heh..n i got bz doin other stuff, like cookin for jinn, readin, goin to the lib, spendin time w veni.. no doubt abt it tho, i m realy realy into this guy. i cookd for jinn today. i tink it was my best dish ever: macaroni w ground beef n veggies. she loved it i swear...n it smelld real good..mebe ill give some to ryan tomorw heh, v healthy too: no salt, i usd olive oil, no fat...im proud of myself, i tink i shud cook for jinn mor often..makes me feel good abt myself n more imp, it makes her happy. meetin jason at 3 tomorw for coffee. in the mornin i gota pay: * credit card bill * part of uni loan then nex wk theres my land line fone bill, my cell bill..hmm so far thats all i can tink of rite now..ouch my head is hurtin. i got barely 3 hrs sleep last nite coz of the stupid interv this mornin..n in the afternoon i had a lot of errands to do..im feelin pretty knackered n my legs r achin a bit gna write email to hendra n stan then go zZZz # [ posted @ 10:15:00 AM ] pv Power train says: have u thought about what u would like me to be as far as you and i are concerned punky says: i never not wish u were here Power train says: what? punky says: 2 negatives = 1 positive rite..so tht means 'im always wishin tht u were here' Power train says: weird way of writing Power train says: then what punky says: hahaha well dont wana b too blunt punky says: tht scares most men away uknow Power train says: u wont scare me away Power train says: tell me honestly punky says: i tink i ve the capacity to punky says: ting w me is...i hate mindgames punky says: so im always blunt, frank w ppl..i hate guessin wat they feel, n i hate em guessin wat i feel too punky says: but the dilemma is: wat if my bein frank, upfront w em..scares em away, pushes em away Power train says: and i dont want to guess what u feel... so please share your thought with me punky says: i dont want that...i dont wana risk losin ppl jst coz i cant handle ambiguity, vagueness Power train says: u are pain on my butt punky says: i scare ppl away..i always do that punky says: yea i know Power train says: please tell me punky says: i found out the hard way tht sometims i gta not b so honest w ppl punky says: tht sometimes honesty is not always the best policy punky says: tht somteimes u do gta compromise ur integrity, ur values, ur principles... Power train says: if u dont leap, how can u go over to the other side Power train says: elaborate punky says: tht life is not all abt the self punky says: life is not abt u punky says: its abt a whole bunch of tings, esp ppl punky says: ppl who u may not giv a shit abt..but who care abt u nonetheless punky says: n u owe it to em to do wat they want u to do or xpect u to do..regdless of wat/how u feel Power train says: .... punky says: gues im too embarassd to answer u hahahah Power train says: you still havent told me what you would like me to be with you... Power train says: tell me please punky says: i let u be punky says: regdless of wat i want Power train says: this is how you feel about me. but i was aasking what you would like me to be... with you... punky says: fuck punky says: it was hard nuff admittin all that stuff to u punky says: heavens Power train says: heavens or hell to u punky says: heheheh punky says: truth b told, if u were here i wud like us to b uknow punky says: n thts y iaskd u a long time ago whthr u blievd in long distance rels..of course u know y i askd u punky says: at the same time i know u ve lots goin on in ur life n mebe u dont ve time/space for watever...n i dont ever want to b a hindrance to u achievin ur goals punky says: yet uknwo smth, honestly i wud support watever u choose to do, n do watever i can to help u achieve it...as long as it makes u happy Power train says: silly... not only are you not a hindrance, but you can help me a big deal punky says: but i dont know wat u want..uve nev xpressd netthin to me Power train says: not a coworker... i would say a partner Power train says: .. in crime.. punky says: bzness partner punky says: im smilin now altho i dont know wat for Power train says: ,more than that... punky says: stil tryin to guess wat ure sayin i spose Power train says: my commuincation skill suz i guess punky says: nah punky says: ure just afraid punky says: arent u? Power train says: afraid of what punky says: afraid of hmmm u tell me punky says: 2 ways of lookin at it punky says: y dont u guess Power train says: u are the one who hates people guessing u Power train says: so pls tell me punky says: ok the way i c it there r 2 ways of lookin at this u n me thing punky says: 1. fear of rejection, obviously Power train says: shoot punky says: 2. fear of .. uknow. coz we dont know if or how or wehther its gna pan out the way we want to (IF we want to) punky says: catch my drift? punky says: (shit y m i always the one sayin the hard embarrassin nitty gritty stuff??) Power train says: ...... punky says: c wat i mean? me n my stupid big mouth punky says: u ve to shut me up somtimes Power train says: and the cool thing is... u dont seem like a person who wants to control or change the man, or the person she would love Power train says: the only drawback is u dont eat meat.. (shit i am hungry right now) Power train says: btw sweetie.... u dont mind i am that many years older than you? punky says: lol punky says: that thought nev crossd my mind punky says: in fact sometimes i feel im older than u, mentality/attitude wise punky says: hahaha Power train says: nite ... luv u Power train says: shuuush we ll pretend i dint say that too # [ posted @ 9:53:00 AM ] pv stan. adorable. so so adorable. i cant help but love da the guy. so so so sweet..... # Thursday, April 3 [ posted @ 8:14:00 PM ] pv stan emaild me, askin if i wana do the trip w him..ummm wat to do? i mean ive bn meanin to get away in ages...but there r always issues, specificaly: money n jinn. hmmm wonder if folks even gna consider lettin me go..they dunno nethin abt stan n apart fmr tht they r convincd ive slackd off for way too long as it is...n if stans willin to pay for my fare, do i wana tell mom n dad that? theyd b horrified, to say the least..mortified wud b more accurate heh....hm mebe i can tell em hes loanin me the cash instead?..hmmm one tings for sure: i know we d ve lots of fun together..i love his company...ive nev njoyd neone elses company as much as his..sounds xagerratd but its the truth...whn ure w him u lose track of time, of where u r, wat ure doin..hes...dynamically pulling, its like u get drawn to him automaticaly n u cant let go..u drown in his company n u love it...hes got a magnetic personality..he encaptures u, entraps u....w his wit, sense of humor, wisdom, wordly xperiences..hm. enuff gloatin abt the guy already. wel the more imp issue...is jinn of course. i cant risk goin away whn she needs me rite now...whn she needs me more than ever in her life..i dont know wat to do. veni says i shudnt 'wait' for jinn to go n then get on w things in my life...godknows ive bn doin that for 2 long yrs now...im so afraid of getin a real job, coz i dont want to lose her whn im not around...my lifes bn on a complete standstill. veni says i shud cont doin watever it is id b doin as if jinn were fine n healthy...but stil, i cant help it. times too precious now n i dont want to waste it bein away from her...hmmm need to tink long n hard abt this. the interv this mornin went SHIT lol...i literaly ran outta there whn it was over, the heels of my shoes cluckin down the corridor all the way to the lifts...shit i wish i nev went :( i was so embarrassd...the guy was embarassd too, he was realy shockd at me..at one point he dint know wat to say or how to react bcos i said somethin incredibly, unblievably stupid..it was SO bad i even buried my head in my hands..in utter mortification. i feel so sorry for myself...my god...wat the hell went wrong...watever cud go wrong did go wrong: evy single aspect, in evy single way...i ve no desire to cont talkin abt it coz i cringe at the thought. EWWWWWW. sleepy. mite take a nap soon..hm need to walk jinn first tho..hmm # [ posted @ 12:21:00 PM ] pv tinkin thoughts of hendra hm. this is not good... # [ posted @ 12:14:00 PM ] pv need to b up in 2 hrs for the job interv. i jst set up my profile at yahoo..wat for i dont know. since i only ve stan on my list hahah..hmm today was a fairly bz day. met up w veni again..hmmm sleepy, will blog tomorw. # [ posted @ 10:40:00 AM ] pv colin farell is one helluva cutie. # [ posted @ 6:39:00 AM ] pv : arent u feelin cold? : umm no : i tink ure cold..put somethin on. ure not wearin nuff : umm no its sooo hot outside, im sweatin : r u sure? : yes : me i wore a sweater even, its cold : no its not, u were at school n the aircon theres realy strong : hm u have so many....tattoos : no i only ve 4 : u cant remove em nemore? : no : so that means theyre permanent? : yep lol......jst nother of our conversatns, tween mom n i.. # Wednesday, April 2 [ posted @ 11:56:00 PM ] pv im off tis so hot....but im wearin a nice blk tank top so tis fine lol # [ posted @ 10:37:00 PM ] pv i need to shower then meet this woman from uni loans...blah. she seems nice nuff..i jst dont wana ve to make the trip jst to c her ugh...it is friggin hot n humid today n im sleepy/irritated..wtf. i tink i dint sleep nuff last nite too...n then nother woman rang up early this am askin me to come in for an interv tmorw morning at 9.30 :( shit that is dead early....its q far away from here too..shit. shit shit. ok ok im not spposd to bitch, after all this is a poss job opp rite? hmm..need to get my interv clothes ironed today then. also need to prepare my job interv portfolio. hve my cv printd out again, coz ive run out of copies... oh she rang bk cpl hrs later to ask where im from. BITCH.....i was too tired to ask her y she needed to know (after all its statd on my cv wat lingos i can/cant speak)..but nmind, she was polite so i was too. need to shower, ryan jst buggd me sayin he needs to shower asap too...well i wana go first. # [ posted @ 10:29:00 PM ] pv shit im sleepy # [ posted @ 1:13:00 PM ] pv oh ya n tatto rang this am wantin to chat, lol i said i was out havin brekkie w veni...he rang n we had a gd time laughin abt stuff, aftrwards veni commentd that i was too 'coquettish' w him n that i shudnt b tht way w him..coz i jst build up his ego evy time it shows im still into him....hmmmm which gives him more reason to play me like a violin, comin n goin as he pleases..at his convenience... of course, shes rite... # [ posted @ 1:05:00 PM ] pv thursday (tomorw): meet w woman from student loans office friday: meet job agent to pick up paycheck saturday or sunday: meet jason for coffee our bellydancin class this fri got cancld coz of the sars virus, it gna b postpond to nex fri. oh yea. hendra rang tonite. but my cell was outta batt so i dint know till jst cpl hrs ago whn i chkd voicemail. damn..hes beginnin to like me...n i dont want to hurt him. he knows i like him too but hes gta know tht im not ready for/dont want a rel w him..sigh. i ve a splitting headache. mst b the vodka...need to zzZzzz...... # [ posted @ 12:52:00 PM ] pv oh gues wat. i met up w stan on msn msger last nite..well early morning. twas abt 4.30am. chatted for abt an hr....i had to go coz mom was gna b up soon n i dint want her to c me still up... shit was so much fun. hes so witty..i stil hvent forgotn that abt him..his wit. his sense of humor..hes quick, smart, intelligent..y i fell in love w him in the first plc...heh. not coz of wat he lookd like - when we first met it was too dark n i was too tipsy to take note of his looks - twas only the nex day whn we went out on a date, i realizd he was quite gorgeous too lol..hes beautiful. lol..look at me, im swoonin again. hahahahh "how hard wud it b to get a uk visa?" he asked "eh, for u, no biggy..shud b a piece of cake" "no no i mean u" "huh y do u ask, of cos i nev tot of that" "im tinkin of goin on a trip to ireland n scotland. wanna come join me?" WHOA?? "i can help u out financially" WHOA "im serious, pls tink abt it" i wud love to. i wud sooooo love to. but godknows how mom n dad gna react to all this..actualy i do know. "WHAT? r u out of ur mind? of course u r NOT gna go on this trip w this man!" they ll say :( sigh.. neway, stan said we gna talk abt this more later..but knowin him he probly gna forget he even askd me lol. watever. niterz. # [ posted @ 12:43:00 PM ] pv tired..jst woke up after dozin off in bed..heh i was meant to jst rest my eyes for a bit. today was a v v jam packd day..whoa. i surprisd myself..i actualy had a great time. was out w veni until late..lol, spent more than 12 hrs together w her..it was hilarious....at one point at abt 9pm shes like "u jst spent 12 hrs w me, u not sick yet?"..n i said "nooo i cud do w cpl hrs more, blieve me"..she replied "eh? jst cpl hrs?" heehe...we got tipsy towards the end n had a fabulous time singin classics from the 80s. er yea lol..we spent all nite at the pier singin 80s songs, it was sooo much fun. brought bk childhood memories.."oh no shit not that song, that was my n tattos songs" id say at certain intervals, whnevr she d stumble across songs i did NOT want to remm n ve bn avoiding like the plague for mths n mthns now..."naman! ang dami naman yan!" lol she said we met at abt 9.30a for brekkie...we ended up walkin ard till abt 10.30 coz she wantd to have curry for brekkie (!) n the plc wudnt open its doors till then...then while we were eatin mom rang, askin me n veni to go visit her at school since nobody was ard...so we did, after eatin..whoa great plc, my moms school...like a big indoor playgrd heheh..she showd us ard..twas realy impressive..def not the type of kgs im usd to, whn i was growin up i had an old derelict bldg n a slide - actualy more a metallic piece of 'work' falling to pieces...the kg she workin in, mannn....kids ve it so lucky n ez these days.. then we went walkin, me n veni...went to bkstores to get stuff for her..mostly craft bks n phonetic books...hmm wat did we do nex. oh yea we were gna head home after tht but her bro calld her, buggin her to submit her applictn for some phils atm card/credit card..since she was free for the day n shes bn sittin on it for mths now...so instead i went over to her hse, she pickd up watever docs she needed, then we took the train to her bros bank..heh its a bit odd, b4 we entered the place venis like "dont b actin weird now ok? jst ignore him if he does or says nethin stupid"..lol. neway nothin happ, her bro played it cool as did i..as if nothins goin on. well its best this way of cos...so i hung ard as she n her bro did bzness, then veni n i went for coffee so she cud fill in more forms...at which point my boss rang up n we had issues to sort out..which ended w me sayin "look i dont want to ruin my holiday, can we pls not talk abt this? im tired n fed up of this..i realy m tired" heh...watever...then we headed bk to her bros plc. we were gna go home but i suggestd we shud walk a bit more, then cross the harbor by ferry instead of train..so we did. we walkd a lot..stoppd by at nother bkstore..then took the ferry. hmmm then bought some fries at mackers (cookd in veggie oil, natch)..got some botts at 7 11, n sat by the pier n drank. n thts whn the fun realy began heh..we got tipsy nuff to b sharin silly stuff, but not tipsy nuff to b doin silly stuff heh...we were singin songs from the 80s, the songs we grew up listenin to heh..was so much fun. we had abt 4 botts of woodys ice i tink. heh..then i walkd her home. i realy had a great time w her...i felt close to her. she felt tht too i tink, coz whn she got home she said she "wasnt ready to say bye" heheh..oh i dint spend a single cent today. coz i tot all we were gna do was have brekkie so i brought jst nuff for brekkie n nothin else. by the time i got home it was almost midnite..i walkd jinn, changd n had dinner...my eyes startd to close so i tot i shud take a quick nap in bed. woke up 3 hrs latr n here i m. # Tuesday, April 1 [ posted @ 12:08:00 PM ] pv hmm gna turn in now..i mean read in bed... veni wants to ve brekkie tomorw...heavens. so i gta b up at 8 or smth, coz she wants to meet at 9...lol! whn shes got classes she whinges abt havin to get up soo early in the mornin but now, look at her...she dont gotta go to school, n more imp, she dont gta wake up so early nemore...but she says shes bored as shit n wants to do stuff..so here we r, wakin up real early...jst so that we can ve brekkie. hahaahahah neway..i d/l-ed msn msger jst for stan da hunk...i dunno wat hes up to, given tht i hadnt heard from him in ages b4 this email of his...he probly jst needs to bounce ideas off me..watever ideas for his hk club thing yawn. gdnite world. # [ posted @ 11:45:00 AM ] pv Sweet heart, can u please sign up and download MSN Messenger so that you and i can talk online in real time? Please... i need to talk to you. ? # [ posted @ 7:57:00 AM ] pv gosh.......they r now loadin those infectd into buses to take em into concentratn-camp style places, far far away from civilizatn - like parks, retreats in the mid of nowhere, etc...to isolate em from the rest of us....n theyre dressd head to toe in hospital/surgical garb! gowns n masks n head coverings!...sigh....yet nother desperate (but belated) attempt to stop the virus from spreadin this is crazy. n there r rumors circulatin thru the vine that the govt plans to impose a curfew on all of us..so rite now theres mad rush evywhere, ppl stockin up on food, toiletries, the basic necessities...the supermart shelves r devoid of bread, tinnd food, rice, toilet paper. mad mad mad mad!!! its mass hysteria here... unfuckinbelievable # [ posted @ 7:44:00 AM ] pv smth frm hendra (who i still tink is cute btw, n sounds cute too): LOVE starts with a SMILE, grows with a KISS, and ends with a TEAR. DON'T cry over anyone who won't cry over you. Good FRIENDS are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget. You can only go as far as you push. ACTIONS speak louder than words. The HARDEST thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else. DON'T let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff. LIFE'S SHORT. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it. A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE. Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it. BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us. When it HURTS to look back, and you're SCARED to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there. TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS. Friends are FOREVER. Good friends are like STARS. You don't always see them, but you know they are ALWAYS THERE. DON'T frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile. What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry? Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. Most people walk in and out of your life, but only FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart. Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted. AWESOME PRAYER: May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. "I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." # [ posted @ 7:38:00 AM ] pv HK heart throb Leslie Cheung commits suicide: reports rip leslie cheung u dint need to do this :( wat has our world come to? :(( # [ posted @ 3:32:00 AM ] pv sigh 1 more died today n nother 75 or so new cases # [ posted @ 3:28:00 AM ] pv he askd me if i was wearin a mask...i said i did wear one for 3 days last wk n then i stoppd, now i dont wear a mask. him: why not? me: coz i miss seein ppl smile, n laugh. i wana b able to smile at ppl him: haheaheha since when?!! me: since i stoppd havin the reason to smile..now i know how imp it is, wat it does to u, receivin a smile from someone him: oh *silence* n i nev realizd until then - whn i said this to him - y ive bn totaly resistant to the idea of wearin a facemask..i know wat a smile can do to someone..how it can turn someones day ard...it can make a world of diffrence # [ posted @ 1:00:00 AM ] pv tatto called. blah. i admit i missd him badly, hearin his voice....but then its so obvious hes moved on. his feelins ve changed..i wish he hadnt called....ill jst pretend that he dint. ill let him go..i have to. hes happier now.. i wish he hadnt called...i jst end up missin him. but ill try n keep bz, forget abt him...forget he ever existed...sigh. watever..........im fine. i jst gta forget he called jst now. coz honestly, i was doin fine.... # Monday, March 31 [ posted @ 9:18:00 PM ] pv got this from my cousin cucu, who jst happs to b the most beautiful 16 y o in the phils i swear Last... movie you rented = rented? i dont rent..last flick i saw was chicago tho song you've listened to = dont remm but its def on the same cd i listen to over n over again, one which i burnd many eons ago (nickelback, creed, incubus, five for fighting...) song stuck in your head = nil really..i always think thoughts, not songs..like realizatns, stresses, self doubts/hatred cd you bought = whoa was ages ago..it was smth me n tatt bought together cd you've listened to = that cd i burnd many mths ago person you've called = jason person who's called you = veni, of course Etc... you have bf or gf = er...ok ok neither you wish you could live some where else = manado you think about suicide = yes you believe in online dating = only if they plan on gettin together in real guys you find attractive = its all in da mind baby! i *adore* intelligent men..n sense of compassion is a major plus you want more piercings = yes you want more tattoos = definitely you drink = like a fish you do drugs = not yet like cleaning = i dont mind it like roller coasters = theyre ok i gues..im too old for that sorta thing cursive or print = it varies but mostly v v messy (n illegible) cursive carry donor card = yes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fav.... food = i dont care, as long as its vegan song[s] at the moment = ummm..cant tink of ne rite now. nickelback's how u remind me things to do = read/write, blog, mope abt, go out clubbing/drinking things to talk about = watever goes..as long as im w good company sports = walking lots n lots, sometimes ill go for a run drinks = beer, bacardi/coke clothes = i dont go for labels..durin summer mostly tanks n jeans. goin out: tubes/halters w pants movies = trainspotting, fight club, seven band(s) = rite now ummm...creed, incubus, linkin park, the calling -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you.... ever cried over a guy or girl = of course..gosh. ever lied to someone = white lies mebe..im a horrible liar fist fought = does shoving n kicking count? ever been arrested = nope -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What..... shampoo do you use = i interchange tween tigi, vidal sassoon, wella n dove (whn i stick to one i get dandruff ewww) perfume/cologne = my signature scent lol..havent usd it in a while tho, reminds me too much of tatto...he was the one who bought it for me shoes = my trusty ol blk nikes, or my docs scared of = hmm..failing my parents -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Number.... of times I have had my heart broken = once of hearts I have broken = once (that i know of) been in love = yes.... people you have kept in contact with from high school = 4? or 3...not many regrets = havin hurt ppl who care abt me/who i care abt..other than that, not realy..i m who i am today coz of my mistakes in the past # [ posted @ 7:57:00 PM ] pv fantastic..i had the best sleep ever. hehehh..i needed that. i also rang up jason (from peta) - he wants to put his cell under my name coz he hasnt got an id card yet...hes stil here on a tourist visa. hmm nothin happenin yet coz turns out theres no office space to work frm as he thought, someone fuckd up in the us office...sooo hes gna try n work tings out w the head office n we ll take tings from there. hes bz bz bz..hes also tryin to find an appt, hes lookin to buy one (!)...i hinted tht it probly isnt a v gd idea given todays property mkt, but he seems to ve made up his mind already. also tried ringin up my boss abt my paycheck..shit if this sars thing goes on i wont ve ne money till nex wk at the earliest...i want her to deposit the money into my acct asap, since itll take 3 days to clear..or even, if its possible, i dont mind meetin her in person, at watever time...i dont care. i jst need smth now coz the wkend is comin up n i cant not ve ne money..her fone was switchd off yest n jst now nobody was pickin up..mebe shes avoidin me. blah.. well its bn almost a wk since all my classes got cancled coz of the virus. i want to go bk to work coz i need the money....dammit. theres so much i need to get done but i cant yet coz i dont ve the money hmm...the most imp bein send tatto his tings, pay my credit card/fone bills...mebe ill do some budgetin today. this mnth is gna b hard...its ryans n dads bday too. ew. i have braincramp now. # [ posted @ 12:03:00 PM ] pv hmmm **trying to rid her head of -ve thoughts** BAM BAM BAM. # [ posted @ 11:39:00 AM ] pv i need to fix up this blog someday. im getin sick of it.. # [ posted @ 11:04:00 AM ] pv babygrrl wont b comin to c me coz of the damn sars epidemic :((( we ve bn writin to each other for yrs n yrs - wat, 6 yrs i tink? n we ve never met yet...this was our chance but coz of the epidemic we wont b able to :( # [ posted @ 11:00:00 AM ] pv "Man is sometimes extrordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering." -Fydor Dostoevski # [ posted @ 10:40:00 AM ] pv n this one from here if the land could speak, it would speak for us. it would say, like us, that the years have forged the bond of life that ties us together; and it was her yielding that gave us life. we and the land are one. sayin of the Kalinga tribe of the phils # [ posted @ 10:13:00 AM ] pv taken from this blog: no one can make you feel inferior without your consent -eleanor roosevelt nothing can bring you peace but yourself -ralph waldo emerson it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are -e. e. cummings freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong -john g. riefenbaker hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly -langston hughes shoot for the moon. even if you miss, you'll land among the stars -les brown fear less, hope more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours -anonymous it is not length of life, but depth of life --ralph waldo emerson the unexamined life is not worth living -socrates the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams -eleanor roosevelt that which does not kill us makes us stronger -friedrich nietzsche # [ posted @ 4:37:00 AM ] pv evyday i chk the casualty list of the us/allied troops fightin in iraq, to put a name n picture to the men (no women yet i tink) who died "fightin for peace" - an oxymoron, dare i say - on some short sighted, arrogant, power hungry "leader's" orders. rest in peace, boys...ur fams mourn for u in grief n pain, but they salute ur courage n heroism. tally so far (us/allied forces, coz there r no official figs on the iraqi side): ++ at least 67 deaths (11 r aged 21 or below - of these, 4 r only 19 yrs of age) ++ 19 mia (of these, 1 is just 18 yrs of age, 3 r 19 - one female, 3 others r just 21 yrs old, another 3 r 22) ++ 7 pows # [ posted @ 4:03:00 AM ] pv Since November, 54 people have died in 13 countries while around 1550 have been infected, most of them in mainland China and Hong Kong, according to the World Health Organization (WHO). In Hong Kong alone, 60 more patients with symptoms of the illness were hospitalized on Sunday, the biggest one day rise since authorities began tallying figures. This means 530 people in Hong Kong are now infected with the virus. So far 13 people have died in this city of 6.9 million people. Hong Kong health officials said Sunday that a man who came down with the illness had been aboard Dragonair flight KA901 from Beijing-Hong Kong on Wednesday and they were trying to trace the other 222 passengers and 15 crew to see if they were infected. SARS spread to other countries from Hong Kong after an infected mainland Chinese medical professor passed the illness to seven other people in a Kowloon hotel last month. They in turn carried the disease to Singapore, Vietnam and Canada. And on Saturday, the disease killed Dr. Carlo Urbani, the World Health Organization doctor who was the first to identify the latest outbreak when it appeared in Vietnam. from cnn website # [ posted @ 3:34:00 AM ] pv the govt is isolating one whole bldg block for 10 days. no one is allowed in or out of the bldg. my god.....this is crazy. # [ posted @ 3:32:00 AM ] pv shit. 2 died today. 64 new cases. thats 15 dead. 610 infected. # [ posted @ 2:40:00 AM ] pv jinn is so cute. i jst got done cookin for her n she was waitin by my feet the whole time..lookin at me w them ohsocute 'i want food pweeease' puppy dog eyes =)) hehehh..i choppd potatoes, carrots n string beans for her..cookd some ground pork, marinated w garlic n a pinch of salt...choppd up some more pak choi, then threw all the veggies in w the pork n rice...voila, c est fini..smart dog, she knew it was for her. i went to the supermart today, bought some stuff for her: mostly fresh veggies like broccoli, mushrms, tomatoes..bananas even. i found a peanut butter n mashd banana dessert recipe for her...hmm bought some fresh chicken too. i mite make pasta for her tomorw or the day after. n i tink latr this wk im gna cook tuna casserole. life is beautiful. indeed. whn u spend time w the one u love, or whn u spend time doin stuff for the one u love - now thats happiness. n u know n believe that life is beautiful. # Sunday, March 30 [ posted @ 10:33:00 PM ] pv Once upon a here and now, lived a little man with a beautiful heart. His tender heart wanted none than anything to give and receive love. Now and then people he cared for had no time for him. Some left. Some died. Some were angry. He didn't understand. His heart ached. "I'm hurt. Nobody cares. I must protect myself," he thought. So he built a very strong safe around his heart so it wouldn't get broken. Unfortunately he lost the combination. So when he met people who wanted to love him, he couldn't open his heart to them. His heart hated being locked up and cried out in pain and anger. The man couldn't bear to listen to the cries from the heart, so he invented lots of ways to drown them out. He worked and worked and worked as hard as he could, though he had no idea why. He drank lots of beer, wine and whiskey till he couldn't think about the cries. Of course, he couldn't think about anything else either. He smoked cigarettes. Just a few at first, then more and more because each one doped the heart for a few minutes and kept it quiet. He couldn't stop even though he knew the cigarettes might shut his heart up for ever one day. At last, in desperation, the heart attacked. A little later the man sat in the garden and looked at the sky and the clouds. He listened to the birds and the wind in the trees. He looked at the colours of the flowers and the sunset over the sea. The man burst into tears. "Do you give up?" whispered the heart. "Yes," blabbered the man. "Good. Then listen. It doesn't matter what others say or do. What hurts me most is when you lock me up like this. Please love me for what I am." "Do you really mean to say that you want me?" said the man, surprised. "Yes. I love you. Please love me back." "I want to, but I've lost the combination." "Well, let's find it then. Be still and tell me how you feel." "I'm hurting. I can't bear it any longer." "Who's hurting you?" enquired the heart. "I could blame a lot of people." "Yes, you could." "But," hesitated the man, "I suppose it's me." "That's OK," said the heart. "It is?" "In fact you should thank yourself. You were trying to protect both of us by building this safe." The man pondered a moment. "Thank you, Heart. Now I understand you. I can accept and love you. I love you!" Just then the safe door swung open. The walls dissolved into light. The heart stood proud and took a deep breath. "That's better isn't it?" "I'll say," laughed the man. "Now what?" "We start living! Follow me!" So the man followed his heart... He ran. He danced. He sang. He fell in love. He painted. He wrote poems. He planted a lovely fragrant garden and lay smiling in the shade of the trees he planted. "Guess what," he said to his heart. "What?" "I think we've found the combination!" my eyes filld w water as i was readin this at the lib: the hurt, disapointment, bitterness n anger..i cud relate to totally. i hated evything n evyone. most of all i hated myself...n then the drinkin, smoking followed..in a desperate attempt to fill the void...to keep my mind bz, but most of all: to keep my heart free from pain..the ache, the constant hurt i was feelin. after many mths, im slowly comin to terms w myself, w life. ive only startd to recover n i feel i can look fwd to the future again...i m hopeful. i dont dread tomrow nemore...n v v rarely - im even xcited abt the future. but we will c..evyday is still hard. i jst do away w ne -ve thought the v second my mind tinks of em..n i replace tht thought w thoughts of wat makes me n my life worthy: i ve a loving fam, great friends, i ve my health, i ve jinn...n most imp, i ve a future..there is so much in life to do, so much in the world to xperience. i can xpect to have shitty times ahead..but i can also xpect to ve wonderful, happy times ahead too..its jst a mattr of perspective. ive bn to hell n i dont want to go back there. never again..for the sake of my fam, my friends who care abt me. i will not do this to them again. (note: i forgot to copy down the copyrite details, author, title of bk etc. will update this entry as soon as i get the chance to go to the lib again..cant find the book at amazon or barnes n noble either, so ne legal beagle scourin thru this ummm..come bk in a wk or so?) # [ posted @ 9:52:00 PM ] pv veni n i r seein a flick tomorw. again...whoa. we r so bored. sheeesh....but at the same time we re so tight n i m loving it. heh i went to the lib yest n borrwd cpl bks for school, also cpl bks to read in my spare time..beats comin online all the time, bloggin, chattin, watever..the lib is the most fascinatin plc i swear. tons n tons of tings to do. i love it there...pity its so far away tho....but its like unxplored territory, a new universe..things jst waitin to b discovered n learnd n touched. amazing..mite go there again this sunday. met up w jason yest. he was pretty cool..not such a freak as i xpectd him to b hehehh..yng but he knows wat hes doin, wat he wants, wat he wants to achieve...the clarity of his ideas, his thoughts. whoa, really fazed me...i admire him for doin wat he blieves in, n doin it so well too...more power to him. i hope all his plans come to fruition n evything works out well for him n his organizatn..i told him id b happy to help him out in evy way. hes got a beautiful baby named sugar too. hehe he showd me her pic: like a mutt like jinn...told him abt kitty. all in all it was a sunday well spent. bumped into luke from chasers, on my way to meet jason...tink luke was on his way to soccer practice, he was all geared up. lukes worked in chasers for 3 yrs now, workd alongside roque at the bar whn roque was still here. hes ok, jst that he doesnt speak engl that well so we dont/cant realy communicate..but theres mutual respect n i nev go to chasers w o sayin hi to him..he had a thing for veni but there was a mega misunderstandin whereby he thought veni was rude to him (which was not the case), so now theyre jst friends too. heh today im gna b readin some more..mebe clean my rm a bit more too. moms sick so shes stayin in today, she dint go to work..i helpd her go to the clinic jst now, n now shes restin...gna go to the supermart latr to get her some food..for jinn too. i had a fight w the 'security guard' downstairs (note: this term is only v v loosely usd coz in reality, all this man does is doze off to the beats n twangs of chinese opera on the radio) this mornin...there was lotsa yellin involved...mom was w me n she pulld me away. sonofabitch...i hate him. k gna chill a bit..get some work done. # [ posted @ 9:38:00 PM ] pv highlite of the day (so far): hendra gave me a wake up call today! # [ posted @ 9:36:00 PM ] pv i wrote to my old friend today..i feel gd abt it. hehehe...we lost touch whn my damn pc killd itself last dec, then i lost all my contacts...hmm shes always bn there for me, bk whn we were at uni..i remm goin to uni all alone coz my high school friends decided to forego uni n enter the workforce instead...i was lonely as shit, i felt like an outcast coz of the lingo thingy...evyone saw me as a damn foreigner n treatd me like one..it was like my first day of school xcept much much worse coz when at this age ure ultra sensitive n u know wats goin on, whn ure bein treatd diffrently u know it n u sense it n it really hurts u...neway shes (cyn) nev bn not nice to me, at first it was all cordial n neutral-friendly...but then she got some friends together (ghost, sanna) n then b4 u know it they startd to treat me like i was one of the gang...in time i learnd to c myself as one of them too - startd speakin canto w em, did the whole canto thing: karaoke, ate chin food, said bad canto jokes etc - damn they even made up a chin name jst for me lol...sooner or latr i startd to c myself as chin..hmm i tink it was abt this time, whn i was at uni n i was hangin ard chin ppl 100% - i saw myself as a fully fledgd local. n i was realy comfy w it. hehe they soon bcame my real friends, whn my high school friends startd to get bz w their own workin lives...it was so cool. final yr of uni came, n evything was shit..our final yr project put a humongous strain on our lives n we were goin crazy..no more fun n games, no more kiddin ard...this was serious bzness n we had to work hard at it..i groupd up w cyn n some other chick who was a royal pain in the ass...cyn went thru soooo much shit coz of this bitch (who nev made it to our meetins, conveniently makin up lame n low xcuses like she was takin her sick mom to the hosp, she (her mom) was havin a heart attack, etc - all not true)...it was utter hell for cyn..well for me i was ok, im not one to buckle under pressure esp school or work pressure but for cyn...she knew she carried all the resp to get stuff done, organize the grp, delegate tasks..coz shes always bn the resp, organizd one heheh...i know shes savd my ass many many times w o even me knowin abt it, coz i know shes always cared abt me in some unconventional way..we rarely talkd on fone, or met up outside of school..but it was the little things that made a huge difference..like photocopyin stuff for me (stuff i nev even knew were imp till she gave the copies to me), helpin me print stuff w o my asking (coz she knew my printer then was a shit piece of machine), stickin up for me, takin the time to translate stuff for me, she wud even buy stationery for me like folders, paper clips, watever...damn, she ws so thoughtful n considerate..n i nev did nething for her :| hmm it was somewat weird coz of the whole lingo issue..naturaly i found it hard to xpress myself in canto, in the same way she found it hard to xpress herself in engl..but it seemd like there was this unspoken, invisible bond tween us..like there was no need to say nethin, n she cud feel my gratitude neway (at least i hope she did)..i know she was my first evr chin friend, my best chin friend to this day i tink..altho we rarely speak or email, i know i hold her close to me no matr where she is, or wat im doin...whn i tink abt my friends, i tink of her too... n u know smth, uni life wudve been so miserable w o her n ghost...i tink theyre wat made my uni days one of my best times in life ever....3 yrs they taught me so much. i was a clueless idiot b4 i entered uni, stupid n naive n realy dumb abt evything, abt how the world worked, i dint know myself n i dint know nethin abt the outside world...then i found their friendship, which put so much perspective into my life..i was part of smth, part of smth meaningful, somethin which made me feel gd n happy...part of a grp which respectd me n saw me no diffrent jst coz i wasnt chin or a local...i realy appreciatd that. it meant a lot to me that they saw me as me, not a foreigner, or someone who spoke engl, or watever..jst me. me n my imperfections...me, a human bein like them. ohwell..heres a long overdue thank u to my uni friendz, who i still m in contact with. thank u ghost n cyn. my true friends...coz of u guys i will nev forget my uni days, n i will always look bk n remm those memories w so much fondness..hehehe.... from, ur inch friend. hahahaha =P # [ posted @ 10:47:00 AM ] pv yawnn # [ posted @ 9:11:00 AM ] pv 1. i had coffee w jason 2. discusd ar/al issues w him 3. then had lunch (thai) 4. after lunch i went to the lib in cway bay 5. stayed there for 4 hrs 6. then i met up w veni 7. to go to church together 8. attended mass, had a quick snack afterwards 9. bought dinn on the way home 10. walkd jinn 11. had dinn 12. - the end - # [ posted @ 8:49:00 AM ] pv hendra = seriously cute. hmm # [ posted @ 8:43:00 AM ] pv hm. hendra is cute. sounds cute too..hmmm. # [ posted @ 8:27:00 AM ] pv im gna sleep early today..n try gettin up early tomrow. so i can start to lead a normal life again...im sick of sleepin at 5 or 6 n wakin up at noon...by the time im ready to take on the world its nite time already n i dont get to do nething. nother day of my pathetic life gone to waste. blah.. # [ posted @ 8:23:00 AM ] pv on a much much less important note, tatto finaly smsed me: Careful on e pneumonia. Hope u n jin r both fine. Im home already. Take care. WATEVER. WATEVER WATEVER. # [ posted @ 8:20:00 AM ] pv wat a day. i tink i will blog tomorw..im a bit tired. theres so much to do too...wana clean my rm, read the paper, go over some books i borrwd from the lib today..hm. latest news: 12 dead, 400+ infected w sars. this is so surreal. the streets r empty, nobody wants to leave their home, evyones afraid of evybody else, ppl r not laughin nemore. we re frightened, afraid, paranoid :( god help us..wat is the world coming to :(( # |
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