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Saturday, April 12 [ posted @ 11:28:00 AM ] pv /me in a pissy mood. god help me....i hate it whn i get this way. so fuckin restless n irritated i cant do jack shit abt it....dammit. fuck fuck fuck. im sad coz im tinkin about jinn :( # [ posted @ 8:06:00 AM ] pv hmmmmm # [ posted @ 4:34:00 AM ] pv goin out w veni clubbin on weds nite. yay....n we re also tinkin of goin away together, on a short trip to macau - lol if u can call tht a trip that is hehe..jst a bloody boat ride away..neway we r gna ve a blast, get drunk, get high n totally not worry abt curfews, the fam bk home...we r gna b sooo bad whn we went to chasers the other nite there was a new band playin..oh damn did they love us lol, they kept lookin at us n smilin..heh veni n i njoyed it like shit, after all nobody was there tht nite coza the sars shit so it was jst us there...well we lookd pretty n hot n i gues we were doin a bit of the lesbo thing as well hahaha...so that turned a few heads im sure..its nice there was nother band there, tink im gettin sick of seein alex's band there all the fuckin time..n oh the dj was new too..i know probly management sent one of the reg bands to sing so they had to find a new band to take over, i dunno abt the dj tho? mebe they fired dj denny from b4 - he suckd neway so gd riddance. heh joren was there n we xchangd a few quirky smiles while he was performin..joren is in alex's band n 2 bands play at chasers evynite - ones gta b alex's band coz theyre chasers hse band..the other band they rotate tween dusk till dawn in wc n insomnia in lkf..wel neway joren was cute as usual n i told veni tht i sorta have the hots for him n she went "ewwwwwwwwwww" lol..hes not her type. but she had a ting for the singer of the new band heh..n we both likd the lady singer =P shes fit n damn shes got a great bod. hehh..whn we left the df yelled from afar "when u comin bk?" hahaha..lil does he know we re like alex's groupies, he ll b seein us there sooo much b4 long he ll get sick of us heh..neway i said "never" lol i tink that was too snobby an answer but who cares...we were q tipsy n they knew that. sooo weds, tinkin mebe we ll drop by chasers to chk out the new band n new dj..then poss head off to wan chai? we like insomnia but dont like the band that plays there...we ll c. i wudnt mind stayin at chasers..thing is we dont want alex to tink that we love him, already the son of a bitch has an ego the size of the atlantic - he probly tinks we go there coz of him..puke. well truthfuly we both had a thing for him like many many yrs ago..i liked him first, abt 6 yrs ago whn we first startd goin there..then i met AS n i dint give a shit abt guys nemore, then somehow late last yr veni admitd to me that she had a mega mega crush on alex....so we d go to chasers more frequently than the norm jst so she cud chk him out lol...then jst when i was startin to date roque - who is chummy w alex - veni bumpd into alex in the supermart......w his 2 kiddos! lol..well we d always known tht alex was married..but to actualy c the guy u ve the hots for w his wife/kids..sorta changes tings dramatically heh. she got put off there n then n no more alex. heh blah im bored. will watch tv.. # [ posted @ 1:50:00 AM ] pv Could use help on this Monday--important shit 1) help me go to realtors--would be nice to have a local with me 2) call singapore media and get their mailing address so I can post them masks on Thursday. 3) find the program to download video for the Sharp vd-pd5e 4) help me get the news release translated If you make it to bed at a reasonable hour we can start early. heh. moms like always goin "but y cant they pay u for all the work ure doin??" mommmm thts y its called volunteer work..rofl.... # [ posted @ 1:47:00 AM ] pv on chat tatto askd me wat i currently feelin for him...apprently he says hes beginnin to like me but tis time its diffrent - not like b4..ummm? cudnt blieve my eyes..i told him ive moved on n i dont hold a grudge..told him tht yea, hes done some stuff in the past which i hate him for, n will never forgive him for..but thts all in da past n i dont let the past bug/haunt me...he askd me wat id do/say if he told me wat we had in the past was nothin, jst a stupid illusn - so i said "yea wel watever u wana tink, i cant do nothin abt..like evything on earth u gna ve diffrent viewpoints/perspectives n if u tink we were a joke, heh wat can i do abt it? i ve my own views n say even if i blieve u were n stil r the love of my life, heh thers nothin u can do to change my mind"... he said he misses me now, tht he likes this new me..im tinkin like "wtf"...i said look theres no need to dwell on the past, watever we had then is now long gone..uve movd on...ive movd on...heh lets both cont doin watever we re doin..n somtimes we can chat or talk on fone..this is kewl, watever we ve now is cool...im happy uve movd on n r bettr..n im happy ive movd on too....he said ive changd n he likes how i m now n is happy for me..i said yea ppl change, situatns change.. "wat if who u fell in love w isnt the me now?" he askd...ermmm.."n now im not who i was then..wud u stil love me? wud u stil want me?"..heh i said "whoever u were then, i fell in love with..who u r now, i dont know q honestly..but i m happy w wat we ve"..."wud u stil want me now?".."i dunno who u r..but one day at a time ill get to know u..like how it was in the past, i dint fall in love w ur name, or wat u typed on the screen...i fell in love with u, the man, the person...what u stood for, wat u represented" it was an enlightenin chat...i had to cut it short coz i had to go meet jason...but gues wat, he rang on fone n it was kewl..twas friendly banter n we lol a lot..it was fun. he sounded a lil morose but i tink i sensed that he was smilin n happy...i was kinda happy too that he rang me, it was a pleasant surprise. felt good..... sigh. n then last nite. blah..tings dint go too good, resultd in me stompin off. wtf....i dont know. sigh..i dont care..im tired...this is wat i always hatd abt him..he plays me like a fuckin yo yo..even whn we were together he d love me n treat me like a queen one min, n the nex min he treats me like im a piece of shit. stil, i played the good guy n said to him last nite "ure in a cranky/pissy mood tonite..ill take tht into consideratn" then ignored him all nite......good riddance. i was in a gd mood all day yest too n i dint want him to ruin it fer me met this guy desmond online, spent more than 10 hrs chattin w him whoa! lol...hes ok, hes in toronto at the mo - orginaly frm vancouver... today im gna do absolutely nothin. b a bum n get fat...sigh :( since jason told me abt the vegan oreos ive bn havin some evyday :( fuck i actualy feel the pounds pilin on me..damn. no more junk for me....i dont even wana wieigh myself, im sure ive put on the past cpl days alone oh yea speakin of jason, we ve got a poss campaign comin up nex few days: if all works out n we get the green light from peta usa the campaigns gna b spearheaded here, taiwan n sing..n to a smaller xtent, usa - but only for publicity/media purposes..im q excitd, lookin fwd to it..in the meantime jasons off to taiwan to inspect a few dog shelters..he gna do a demo too heh. the other day we bought a digivideo cam together..heavens he took a min to buy it, no questions askd..jst forked over the $$$. wasnt that cheap either!..im like 'r u sure?' well whn we got bk to the office there was a glitch w smth n now hes tinkin of takin it bk..heh oh speak of da devil: email from jason brb # [ posted @ 12:01:00 AM ] pv heh damn i went to bed at almost 8am today # Friday, April 11 [ posted @ 1:01:00 PM ] pv eyes closing.................... # [ posted @ 1:00:00 PM ] pv yawn # [ posted @ 7:03:00 AM ] pv tired :( ive bn sittin here motionless the past 30mins..heh. starin at this monitor..watching nothin. my eyes r a blank n my brains a blur...whoa. today i woke up prety late coz i was recoverin frm last nites drinkin, i dint even ve the energy to take jinn for a walk so i askd ryan to do it for me..thankfuly he did, im mighty grateful to him for that heh. then i chatd w tatto a bit (more on this later) then went to meet jason for more work. actualy today i went over to his plc, heh nice studio appt - was a bit apprehensive at first abt goin to his plc. but it was realy kewl..we had fun chattin, listenin to his weirdo mp3/cd collectn, oh yea of cos we also got some work done...tings r gettin btr, im not so shy w him nemore n not so self conscious - like i can speak on the fone, make cold calls, make enquiries w him lookin at or watchin me heh...then we had dinner (thai)..we split rite after dinn...i chattd w veni on fone on the way home, then i walkd jinn w mom n here i m. me n jason dont click - hes so american he bores me, n he irritates me somewat..he talks a lot, luvs hearin himself speak..but HEY peta cudnt ve found a betr person for da job...jason is committed, hardworkin, determined, fearless, independent, streetwise. hes not intellectual or nothin but damn hes good at wat he does. i admire him n i ve lots of respect for him...plus hes nice. dead nice..too nice it makes me uncomfy/embarassd. hes great tho...the more time i spend w him the more at ease i m w him. today we workd out the budget: estimatd/calcuatd start up costs, operatin costs..so he cud send the figs over to the head office, n once its given the all clear they gna send the money over n jasons gna start to set up the office...we ve temp office space for 3 mths - we re sharin w a v v generous peta donor - she owns restaurants, few bars, retail shops - so all her staff r under the same roof..she let us some some space, the office equipment, utilities etc. jst so jason has a plc to work frm...i tink start-aug we gna move to a proper office, but till then we b workin bk n forth tween the temp office n jasons appt. oh the guardians startin, brb wil blog latr. # Thursday, April 10 [ posted @ 2:51:00 PM ] pv i kissed veni. stan crazy world. my crazy crazy world. im as tired as fuck but im.....feeling shit. thank u stan. thank u so much for makin me feel this way...but thank u also for givin me nuff reason to hate u. i tink i can get over u now...u n ur bullshit. veni was rite..ure a bloody waste of time. not worth my energy..not worth my time..n certainly not worth my love. ive been out on my feel all day. jinns vet appt in the mornin..spent the afternoon w jason. n then rushd here n there w jason to get work done...had dinner, then drinks. got home at 11pm. met veni at 11.30, we went to chasers in an effort to make me feel btr abt the whoe stupid stan situation. it worked..i felt i was in love w veni all over again. we stayed till 2am..i droppd her off at her plc. we kissed...n i walkd home a happy girl. i came home drunk. n i was happy for a while, for abt an hr. now i feel like absolute dirt tho. i feel tramped on, cheated on. i feel sick. im jst gna hit the sack n bloody get some sleep. im tired as fuck. last nite i stayd up till 6.30 chattin w stan (only for him to tell me that hes v interstd in me, n is fallin in love with me..BUT he feels we shud give each other space, coz its 'too dangerous' if we push things further. so fine, i told him i respect his decision n im gna back off..."no no we jst keep wat we have n let nature take its course" he said. HELLO? wtf does that mean..u dont want us to get close but u want us to cont watever it is we re doin? WTF. u want ur cake n u want to eat it too. "dont wana get too emotionally close to u" my ass. fuck u stan fuck u tatto heh. men suck gna work w jason in the pm again tomorw. n then nite time i tink im meetin veni again, we re goin clubbin. im beeped. fuck u stan. i hate u. hehe..thank u for givin me nuff reason to not want u.....i tink i can go on w my life now. u asshole. # Wednesday, April 9 [ posted @ 3:11:00 PM ] pv stan just broke my heart :~( # [ posted @ 3:11:00 PM ] pv fuck # [ posted @ 12:19:00 PM ] pv my nails r a pretty dark red now # [ posted @ 11:07:00 AM ] pv i joind in the fray today, bought some stuff to minimize or at least reduce my chances of gettin sars 1. hand sanitizer/gel (2 botts) - anti bacterial 2. anti bacterial hand lotion: family size 3. medicated disposable wipes but i swear im not gna wear a fuckin surgical mask. i also bought cotton pads n lens solution...hmmm tinkin of paintin my nails tonite...got nothin btr to do neway # [ posted @ 9:16:00 AM ] pv hmmm # [ posted @ 7:21:00 AM ] pv The earth is our mother. Whatever befalls the eart, befalls the children of the earth. This we know. The earth does not belong to us; we belong to the earth. All things are connected like the blood which unites one family. We did not weave the web of life; we are merely strands in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. ~ Chief Seattle, 1854 # [ posted @ 6:24:00 AM ] pv hehee i jst got done cookin for jinney da baby. ooof this one took over an hr to prepare/make tho :| but i tink jinn will like...once again she stayed by my feet the whole while, or she kept comin n goin lookin up at me...wat a pwetty doggie she is =) neway i told her to shoo coz she kept comin in the way..plus she has a tendency to step on my feet, n not realize it heheh this ones got sardines, cannd beans, ground beef, gratd carrot, sliced string beans, eggs, choppd bak choi, choppd cabbage, frozen veggies...yum. whn mom saw the finishd product she was mighty impressd..she askd "can we have some too?" heh..told her i threw in the eggshells too, for calcium....i hope jinn likes. poor thing hasnt eaten in 2 days already. need to get her appetite up n goin b4 i take her to the vet tomorw... talkd w veni on the fone while i was cookin..hehe shes cute. we probly goin out this wkend, nothin big tho coz we goin w her stepmom...so i gues we cant get drunk heh, or at least not too drunk...but her stepmom is vewy cool..she knows how to partee, sometimes she gets drunk herself lol... gna chill a bit, then clean my room or do some readin now. # [ posted @ 3:59:00 AM ] pv hmm. stupid kim bitch informd us today shes gna cancel al classes til further notice...stupid indecisive woman. after we fought yest over this, now shes closin the school til the hk govt reopens reg schoolin...dumbass woman. i turnd up today n there was nobody, i mean none of the kids turnd up. naturally! i mean if i were a mom i wudnt let my kids outta the hse..but dumb kim - concrd abt money - actualy rang up the parents, n pushd n pushd em to come bring their kids over to attend classes..the smartr parents said no fuckin way. but unfortunately, 2 kids did arrive..30mins late, after kim cajoled em into comin. sigh. after class i said to kim tis best we suspend classes, coz its not safe for kids to b runnin ard...of cos i had an ulterior motive: i was gna ask her to cut bk my hrs at the ctr neway, coz i wana stay home more to look after jinn..so this actualy works to my adv. so this means i gna b idle for the nex 10days or so..or whever the govt decides to resume classes again..n nobody knows when thats gna b. sooo..hmm i get to stay home more, cook for jinn, do stuff ard the hse..heh. i gna go over to jasons tomorw afternoon, he has a few things in mind..i tink its gta do w the demo/campaign hes kickin off in taiwan whn he goes there on the 21st..hmm mebe its an antifur campaign? not sure..id love to help him out tho, even if its for free..at least it keeps me bz n more imp, this is smth i totaly believe in. so i m actualy lookin fwd to all this gna take jinn to the vets tomrow mornin - da poor girl cant walk :( this pm whn i took her out for a walk she dint do nothin: no pee no poo, zero. i tink she stoppd eatin coz it hurts to walk to her food n water bowl here at home..sigh. im feelin the stress again...she was like a totaly new doggy whn on the meds...now tht shes run out, shes sick n haggard again..it sucks seein her like that. stil pissd off at tatto. hes on my msg msnger list..dang it. i was doin fine w o him...i dont even wana talk abt that asshole. waste of time..now look, my blood is boiling again....jst at the mention of his name. fuck it. gna walk jinn now, n then cook dinner for her..hopefuly that entices her to eat..she hasnt eaten in 2 days :( # Tuesday, April 8 [ posted @ 10:58:00 PM ] pv off to 'work' blah. i hate kim. i hate this job...i hate tatto. i hate that jinn is sick again..i hate that its jst me lookin after her..worryin abt her. i hate bearin the sole responsibility of decidin when its the rite time for her to go. sigh...i wish someone understood me. damn tatto. "i think u shud put her down" WAT THE FUCK. u dunno SHIT abt me u fucker. jst coz u fuckin sold out dont mean i gotta too..u have no integrity, no decency, no morals. i wud hate to be u. stupid piece of horseshit. # [ posted @ 10:49:00 PM ] pv u n ur sordid ways..........damn u damn u damn u # [ posted @ 10:22:00 PM ] pv damn tatto...he did it again. he realy has me round his lil finger..me, the stupid one, always falls for it. how the fuck does he manage to do that?...coz hes a prick. a prick w the natural ability to be the low scummy sleazebag that he was born as. stupid dumbfuck. i hate you. # [ posted @ 1:43:00 PM ] pv *tingly sensation on bellybutton*....so i jst cleand my bellybutton w ethanol, n then i applid some antiseptic cream...i know its gross heh..shit, i jst dont want it to get infected...im v prone to scarring, the docs ve already told me that.. i ve keloids on my left arm n behind my left shouler..theres also a permanent tear under my left bicep, from whn my unc had to pierce into it w a syringe whn i came up w an abscess..it was filld w pus n it had grown into the size of a fuckin golfball. pretty tired today..hmm. i experiencd smth weird today. i did smth extraordinary, smth the normal me wud never do, not in a million yrs...last nite i wasnt myself, dint tink of consequences, outcome, responsibility...sense, logic, rationality flew out the window....heh i met someone...hm had coffee (actualy i had mango juice, he had some tropical fruit juice thing)..ummm it went ok, it cudve gone btr i spose..actualy the meetin fell way byond my xpectatns....shit, he was a horrible conversationalist: he usd semi complete sentences n he barely said nethin interestin, nethin worth laughin at...evything i said was met w a "oh yea?" or -no comment- so it was mundane, boring. um n awkward..i tried to stir tings up a bit, oz im tinkin mebe hes nervous?..but he was non-reactive. boring. or bored? hmm well i did my best. i realy cud not ve bn ne better behaved. he jst suckd as a date. oh well..he was nice on the whole i gues. we jst dint click at all..hehe. oh well no loss..jst sent him an email thankin him for his time. i know ill never c him again. zzZz..tatto n i chattd today for a bit. but he dozd off on me...again.....wats new....? sigh. i still need to talk to my other boss abt thurday mornins class. if its canceld thn i wana help jason out...stupid me, told him id b free evy single day this wk coz im tinkin all my classes ve bn canceled...now i gta fess up n tell him i wont b as free as i thought i wud :( if i dint have these stupid bills to pay id love to work for jason for free even. i d also made an appt to take jinn to the vets tomorw, n now coz of class i gta cancel :( man i hve a headache now....feelin a bit stressd out. i jst hate my job so much..i hate my boss (kim)..i wanna quit..but veni says its a bad idea - of course shes rite...so i gues i gta put up w her cpl wks longer, or poss months even..yawnnnnn sleepy, gna go to bed now # [ posted @ 10:38:00 AM ] pv heh..apologies, ive bn neglectin this blog as of late...dunno, jst been out of whack lately. besides nothin realy interestin is happnin in my pathetic, dreary, humdrum life. its sad.....hm gues wat, today i got my bellybutton piercd!..was an impulse thing, i mean yea veni n i ve bn tinkin abt it for mths now..but today she jst said outta the blue "hey wana do it tonite?" n i said "ok y not"..dint realy give much tot to my answer til whn we were done w drinks n we were headin to the plc im like..totaly freakd out "hello r u sure u wanna do this?" lol..i was scard shitless i gta admit..tattoos is fine but the idea of bein skewered w a steel toothpick..ewwww. freaky freaky freaky. so we went to the plc..bargaind down the original price heh, then he cleand up our bellybuttons n askd us to lay down on this couch thing, w a footrest...veni went first coz i was too freakd out heh. so he put a clamp on her bellybutton..actualy the clamp was more like a pair of forceps w holes thru em...so he clampd down bits of venis skin, then piercd it w a steel pin, thru the hole from one bit of the forceps to nother...ouch. it lookd realy yucks..bloody fuck: havin a steel pin penetrate ur skin...then it goes thru that piece of skin..the pin was as thick as a damn toothpick. then he removd the clamp n twistd a ball-stud thingy on top of one end of the pin. finito. heh whn it was my turn n he piercd my skin, i yelped out "motha...........fucka!" lol..in slow motion. hhahaha..it was ok. wasnt as bad as i tot but then...it wasnt as pleasant either. i mean im tinkin i love pain n gettin tattoos is a treat for me, i find the experience pleasureful..so wats a piercin rite, probly nothin. ouch. was a big mistake...wateva. wel the point is, its done n over w n my conclusion? gimme a tatt netime...n no, i dont tink im gna go thru w a piercin under my lower lip. that wud b tooo much pain. heh wel he put a piece of gauze over it..n we were done. hehheh. i also had a mega fight w my stupid boss today, kim. stupid bitch. stupid stupid bitch. she dint tell me classes resumd today so she rang me while i was waitin for veni at the train station..i tot she was kiddin whn she rang, askin me where i was n wat time i was gna b there...we ended up fightin for 10 mins over the fone, w me sayin she nev told me tht i had class today n her insistin that she did. i cudnt talk to her nemore w o raisin my voice ne more than i shud to a boss..so i said "look i dont wana argue w u, can u pls pass the fone to ur bro" (who i work w, i get along w him q well)..i compromisd w her bro: ok im gna come in but jst for one class, but they gta cancel the class rite aftr tht coz im not gna ask veni to wait for me for 3 hrs..so whn veni turnd up, i took her w me to work..she waitd for me listenin to her discman as i taught sigh. i made her wait 90 mins for me :( i felt realy shit abt it..to top it off she got interrogatd by that dumbass bitch (dab): dab: oh. u r so white..where r u from? veni: er, the phils dab: wah. so lucky u..but fils r mostly v dark. how come u r white?? veni: er.... stupid bitch. neway we went for drinks after tht...was ok. dint drink much, jst cpl botts of beer...then went for our piercings, had indian for dinn - oh we got friendly w the waiter there..i mite take jason there someday. good food, very cheap as well. xcellent service..i left a hefty tip heh. u c? gd service gets u evywhere... kinda sleepy. gna eat some fruit then change, n get ready for bed. mite zzZz earlier tonite....damn i got work tomorw :( # Monday, April 7 [ posted @ 12:19:00 PM ] pv hmmm had a somewat ok day today...class turnd out btr than xpctd coz jst 2 kiddos showed hehe...2 is always the best no. coz i get paid the same rate as i wud if there were 8, 9 kids heheh..however if jst 1 kid turns up # Sunday, April 6 [ posted @ 11:24:00 PM ] pv LOL..chck this out With reference to your interview with our company this morning, we are sorry to inform that the position of personal assistant/marketing assistant has now been filled. However, we sincerely believe there is a position available in our company for youself. Please bear with us and we will contact you sometime towards the end of this month/beginning of next month. Thanks, Regards, i sent a thank u email in response..hehe...my first ever one. i never send post-interv thank u emails/notes..such a waste of time. neway i jst got bk from runnin some errands: i paid my credit card bill (in the amt of 3k! sniff sniff...), paid rent for nother yr for my po box, n also paid off part of my uni loan...blah..stil got my cell fone bill to go, n my landline bill as well...er plus im takin jinn to the vet this weds, tht shud cost me 1k at least..yikes. hopefuly dad forks out half, as he always does..hmm my boss rang me while i was out, todays class at 5 is on so tht means i gta go get ready n also fig out wat to teach the kiddos today..shit. i got no time. i gta leave in an hr n i stil gta shower n all that....hmm lookin on the bright side of things, at least im gna get paid today too heh. need to save tho, i wana pay off my credit card bill so *just in case* i do go on that trip w stan, ill get to use my credit card...i told mom abt it n she said i cud go, once this sars epidemic blows over......teeheeheee. wonder if hes stil up for it tho? ummm gta go get ready, bbl # [ posted @ 9:06:00 PM ] pv gd morning! hmm kinda agitated at mom so im gna try n cool down b4 leavin my room...i SO hate it whn she doenst ve school coz me n her jst dont get along..she wonders y im coopd up here all the time, well its coz i hate havin her ard n i hate hearin her NAG NAG NAG NAG...i cant stand it. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...she tinks im here coz i wana use the pc all day..shit no, im here coz i hate bein w her outside..she says all sorts of shit i cant bear to hear, my blood boils n i grit my teeth jst to keep it in...im afraid im gna xplode n jst yell at her...stir up shit n then all hell will break loose..so bein here is a good thing, trust me..i jst wish she knew that. i almost told her "shut up" just now whn i was on the fone w dimp n she bargd into my rm n she (mom) opend her big mouth..i just said "SH..." n i glared at her so bad she jst muttered some shit n closd the door.....FUCK, get away from me n nex time knock b4 u enter my room, goddammit!....please, let all the schools reopen already..i cant stand her here.... yest she pissd me off whn her friend was over, whn she opend her big mouth abt smth id told her in confidence on saturday..i flung stuff at her, i was mad as hell n i cudnt do nothin abt it coz tht friend was ard...if she wasnt, i wud ve said some prety nasty things to mom...sigh :( i tink despite all our attempts to hve a somewhat normal mother-daughter rel, evything ends in failure, disappointment, resentment n bitterness..n i know shes tryin n all....but she still FUCKS up left rite n center no matr wat..im ready to give up. i hate bein disappointd, esp after she keeps my hopes up...evything comes crashin down like a hse of cards n i get realy, really pissd off... i trustd her w somethin on sat, told her stuff..smth personal, smth imp to me...i actualy felt gd abt tellin her afterwards, coz that made her part of smth, smth that made me happy...it was smth close to my heart, n trust me i hvent had nethin good goin for me in many mths now...so this was majorly important to me..n then yest whn this friend was over wat did mom do? bloody not jst told her abt it, but dad was there too n she jst went blah blah blah alllllll the fuckin way...n then she pushd it even further whn she came to my rm askin me for stuff i showd her on sat too, coz i was so xcited then i even showed her some things....i was SO enraged i told her "y the hell u tellin her all this, u dint need to....im not gna tell u nethin nemore"..i felt like slammin the door at her face n tellin her to fuckin get away from me coz at tht point i cudnt even bear to c her fuckin face......ARGH. so she said loud enuff for her friend n my dad to hear "oh. i was jst talkin abt it n...." n i interruptd "well y the hell u blabbin evything to evyone"..she said quietly "ok fine then, i wont tell em nemore" "TOO LATE, u told em already!!!" n i flung watever she wantd to show em at her face "JUST GO AWAY, close the door on ur way out".....damn it. i know i was horrid..but it takes a lot for me to trust ppl, n whn they break tht trust..whn they let me down...that hurts me like shit. im not that much of an unforgivin person....but i dont forget easily (not my bad, i jst cant help it) - n i esp remm all the hurts, pains, disappointments..u cross me n ill remm it forever....i hate double crossers, i hate liars, i hate hypocrites, i hate bullshit artists, i hate mean ppl n rite now, today, i hate mom....so get away from me n ud btr not open ur mouth....or i swear im not gna b able to hold it in ne longer n things r gna get sooooo damn fuckin ugly. so there. sue me for bein such a bitch to my own mom.....but shit, last nite i was talkin to tom abt wat happ at my bros weddin n how she hurt me n humiliatd me...n i startd to cry. i will NEVER forgive her for wat happ that day...that day was the definin moment: that day u showed me that im not ur daughter..that i will never b ur daughter..n that u will never b the mom i needed n so desperately wish i had whn i was growing up. sorry, but its too little too late...im a big girl now n its ok to not ve a mother..im past that. i dont owe u nethin n u dont owe me nethin..we jst fuckin live under the same roof. the end. just leave me alone n mind ur own bzness....this is MY life, u gave it to me n then u ruined it all da way whn i was growing up.well now i wana live my life the way i c fit..im not hurtin u, im not hurtin nebody..im jst livin my life here. so get the fuck away from me n leave me the hell alone. # [ posted @ 1:53:00 PM ] pv i did loadsa readin tonite: read the papers n also surfd the net for gossip...havent done that in mths. the latter i mean...my ass is hurtin frm sittin so much tho lol...still, feelin lazy n unmotivated n disinterestd in evything...lotsa stuff gta get done but stil no progres. this is frightenin..its like my life is in complete shambles all the time..yawnnnnnnn shit i m dead sleepy. i m so sleepy my eyes r closin on me as we speak hehehhh gta ring up my boss tomorw n ask him if i can come get my pay..since chances r i aint gna c him til mths end whn school reopens...n i cant wait tht long coz i got major bills to pay. i tink i prefer goin to work btr, at least i was gettin paid...unlike now. hmpth. i love the free time but hate the fact tht i ve no money to spend. hendra calld tonite. i dint give a shit. i was cold, mean, indiffrent, rude....watevaaaa..i dont care abt him nemore...i tink ive xperiencd nuff shit w tatto to know that u jst cant keep givin men so many chances. they fuck up over n over again n thats it. throw em out the window....they arent worth it. they sooo arent worth ur time or energy..so hendra can jst disappear n i wudnt care less...hes a nice guy n all but...sorry, ure not worth it. as for tatt, hes bn actin weird lately since i told him abt me n veni...i tink hes jealous. hmmm...will blog abt this tomorw, im fallin asleep at the keys here heh # [ posted @ 7:55:00 AM ] pv kunyit asam is yummy # [ posted @ 5:03:00 AM ] pv i tink every mother should tell her child this, n evyone shud know this, n keep it close to their heart: Desiderata Go placidly amid the noise and the haste and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career however humble: it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture the strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do no distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars: you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. # [ posted @ 4:38:00 AM ] pv lol..this man was in a 14 hrs standoff w police coz he refusd to go to the hosp..apprently he d bn diagnosd as havin sars n he dint wana b quarantined - health dept officials enlistd the help of police..lol hilarious! stats so far: 22 dead n 842 infectd (i tink - i stopd caring)....42 new cases today. hmm but a swedish guy died of it too, he contractd it whn he was in china..he workd for the ilo....in china 1247 ve died from it! shit thats a hell lot of ppl... so far ive done nothin but read the papers....blah. i hate me. i hate being so unproductive n lazy n unmotivated....... # |
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