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Saturday, February 15 [ posted @ 11:13:00 AM ] pv tatto says hes gna call me now.....first time in abt 2 mths since we last talkd i...totally do not know wat to xpect. hm. well i gues i shud log off now n...we ll jst c wat happs i guess. hm. # [ posted @ 9:41:00 AM ] pv The birth of a man is the birth of his sorrow. The longer he lives, the more stupid he becomes, because his anxiety to avoid unavoidable death becomes more and more acute. What bitterness! He lives for what is always out of reach! His thirst for survival in the future makes him incapable of living in the present. Chuang-tzu # Friday, February 14 [ posted @ 5:53:00 PM ] pv lil bro: "i nd final numbers, how many seats do u nd for ur friends comin to my wedding?" singleton moi: "obviously zero, wat a dumb qstn" enter mom to the rescue mom: shhhhhhhh, jst leave her cpl of seats........its too early to say jst yet, u nev know. does he have to bother me so tirelessly abt the fact tht i ve no date for my own bros wedding? my day hasnt even startd yet for chrissakes... i dint get much sleep last nite, the past few days i bn getin barely cpl hrs of zzzZz...i feel tired, sleepy n my eyes r closing. tomorw my ex AS is comin over real early ("as early as possible" he quotd) to pik up his tings frm my hse. i desperately need to get zZZz well time to go to work. b bk tonite. # [ posted @ 12:23:00 PM ] pv [private] Guest:me speaks privately: aughhhhh...u are nuts...i guess that is why i like u # [ posted @ 11:54:00 AM ] pv for the record...i did not wish nebody a happy vday today, apart from those who wishd me first (veni, dimp)..so i reciprocatd, out of courtesy..oh i did wish tatt via email (but only coz its his bday today too). i say SCREW VDAY. so there. enuff already.... seriously yawnin here...im so tired. n im workin all day tomorw. sigh....bn a rough day....zZzzzz to end the nite w a few wise words frm a few wise men: I shall tell you a great secret, my friend. Do not wait for the last judgment, it takes place every day. Albert Camus I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness. Abraham Maslow /1 jan\ It’s never too late to do nothing. Zen saying /2 jan\ as flowing waters disappear into the mist we lose all track of their passage every heart is its own Buddha ease off; become immortal wake up: the world’s a mote of dust behold heaven’s round mirror turn loose: slip past shape and shadow sit side by side with nothing—except the Tao Shih-shu /7 jan\ Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading. Take down the dulcimer. Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground. Jalaluddin Rumi /11 jan\ One day Isan was with Hyakujo, who asked him without warning, “Who are you?” “Fayu,” Isan replied, using his pre-Zen name. Hyakujo said: “Just rake the fireplace and see if there are any live coals.” Isan raked a bit and announced that there weren’t any. Hyakujo raked down deep and brought up a burning ember. “Is this not fire?” he exclaimed. At that, Isan was enlightened. /12 jan\ I am asked why I live in the green mountains; I smile but reply not, for my heart is at rest. The flowing waters carry the image of the peach blossoms far, far away; There is an earth, there is a heaven, unknown to men. Li-po /15 jan\ Zen itself is beyond the contrivance of form and no-form, of contrivance and no-contrivance, of “square” and “beat.” The real task is to achieve union with life, for only in this way is life transformed from a formality to a reality. Bernard Phillips /16 jan\ A traveling monk asks an old woman who ran a tea shop, “Which way to Mount Sumeru?” “Straight ahead,” she says. As he goes straight ahead, she sneers, saying, “This fine monk goes the same way.” The monk, insulted, complains to his master Joshu, and Joshu says he’ll check the woman out. He visits the tea shop, asks the way to Mount Sumeru, is told to go straight ahead, and is insulted in turn. Joshu returns to the temple and tells the monk, “The old woman has been penetrated by me.” Zen Koan # [ posted @ 11:45:00 AM ] pv in keepin w the vday spirit: If You're Not The One by Daniel Bedingfield If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today? If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way? If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all I never know what the future brings But I know you are here with me now We’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed? If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head? If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life? If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? I don’t know why you’re so far away But I know that this much is true We’ll make it through And I hope you are the one I share my life with And I wish that you could be the one I die with And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with I hope I love you all my life I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? ‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today ‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right And though I can’t be with you tonight And know my heart is by your side I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? dedicated to stan with love happy vday sweetheart <3 # [ posted @ 9:04:00 AM ] pv i feel shitty. i feel alone. damnn. i tried so hard to not vday affect me..but dangit. i look n feel pretty today but nobody cares. but why shud they? i wish i had someone to care, care just for me n me alone. i felt lonely tonite. make that feel lonely tonite. evything was goin ok till i was on my way home frm venis. bloody evyone holdin someones hand...evy other girl had flowers. beautiful bright red roses. some had yellow..others pale pink. a few had a variety of all the worlds flowers in one bouquet. damn them. i turn green w envy at the thought. but no, its ok to b alone. no hate, pls..no bitterness. *sigh** i did wat i told myself id not do today: i lit up a cigarette. good ol cigs...i felt better, just marginally - but i felt better all the same. i dont hate valentines day. i jst want to b w someone who gives a damn abt me the way i do abt them...ideally, i want stan here. i feel sad at the thought of him....i wish he cared more. i wish he felt the way abt me the way i do abt him..but no chance for that. it hurts likin him this much from afar...well. thank god the day is over. i m so relieved the day is over. first time in 6 yrs havin nobody to spend it with. well i had veni, n it was fun: saw a movie, went out for a great (n xpensive) dinner, over a bottle of (shit) wine. n i do love her uknow..it was cool, i had fun w her. my rel w her deepens evytime we spend time together, b it over the fone whn we chat, b it over sms whn we send silly msgs to each other freakin 10times a day. but i cud not help but pine for stan all nite today. i pined for him all day..i tried to not tink of him, i really did. i thought to myself todays a great day coz evyones in love, the lovers come out to play, friends get together..it is a joyous day, this st. valentines day. my mom told me she loved me today. like....whoa. i was at a loss for words. she has never utterd those words the first 25 yrs of my life. funny she shud start now...so today is a great day. yet i feel empty. i miss stan. i miss bein in love w someone whom i can show my affectn. stan says we ll go out again whn he comes bk to hk. but he comes here evy 3, 4 yrs...y cant he b here? or at least, y cant he hve the same feelins for me the same way i do for him? im disappointd. i feel hurt. # Thursday, February 13 [ posted @ 10:06:00 PM ] pv [edited]. # [ posted @ 12:48:00 PM ] pv its valentines day. i jst wrote a shamelessly flirty email to stan. n i also wrote to tatto, wishin him a happy bday, since i reckon i wont b ringin him tomrow personally...last yr this time i remm it was beautiful...the run up to his bday was...sigh. i still remm each n evy detail..n i spose i shud try n forget. neway i ve bn up all nite workin on my homepage...i was productive tonite, glad to say. dint sleep a wink after all..hehh..n now tis almost 5 n i gta get movie tics early in the pm tomorw coz veni n i r spendin the evenin together. yea yea watever..we re jst gna have dinn n catch a flick, if not probly go for a drink or two..n nothin more =P cmon both she n i r workin early saturday mornin so no hanky panky tomorw, rest assured..lol gna zZZz..moms gna b up ne time soon.. much love to stan. hes so sweet....someone here in hk loves ya, sweet thang! =) happy vday, smooochhhh..yumm # [ posted @ 3:35:00 AM ] pv im tired as fuck. almost fell asleep on my desk jst now while browsin the net..hm. im hungry. tink m gna eat a bit then take a nap...dont tink theres nethin to watch on tv tonite neway. my rms a mess...i did some vacuumin whn i got home but my rm still looks shit..tomorws tatts bday as well as vday. damnnit. uknow, forever vday is gna b marred for me coz its his bday too...i hate that. he not only robbd my heart n trampld all over it, he ruind vday n all my life its gna b tinged w sadness n bitterness. sigh..no plans tomorw of cos, tink ill jst stay here n clean my rm, read the papers or watever. im feelin so drowsy rite now i shudnt b bloggin. later...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz # Wednesday, February 12 [ posted @ 8:46:00 PM ] pv 
No Way You're Gay!You really have no interest in becoming a lesbian. You are all about being a straight girl. You love dick and love going down on your man. It's just when things turn gay you are a bit unsure. The idea of gay sex just wigs you out. No doubt you're gay friendly, it's just not for you personally. Are *You* a Lesbian? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva [ posted @ 8:40:00 PM ] pv thought of the day Late at night I sit alone and work on deadwood zen I stir the lifeless ashes the fire won’t relight Suddenly I hear the tower chime resound Its single sound of clarity fills the winter sky Han-shan Te-ch’ing # [ posted @ 12:33:00 PM ] pv email on its way. zzZzzzz # [ posted @ 11:59:00 AM ] pv im DONE! yay.....its jst abt noon in seattle so i made it w lotsss of time to spare too. hehhe...hm not too happy abt the speech tho, it turnd out to b quite boring n plain. gues too much braincell wastage over the yrs hastaken its toll...i wonder wat stan will tink of it..i know i cud do better but its a tad tuff coz hes left me in charge of jst one segment of the speech, n there r 4 other parts. chances r he ll ve to rewrite a huge chunk of wat ive done..but wat can i do, i realy did give this my all..heavens, its 4 n ive got work in 5 yrs..so dont tell me i did a half arsd job..i jst hope he appreciates this. not askin him to use my work, but a sincere note of appreciatn will do..in the form of a genuine 'thank u'. i will b happy enuff. i had some fun doin it neway. so no big loss wait will email it to him now, then head to bed...dad pissd me off a while bk whn he questnd wat i was doin up so late....fine, nex time i will close my door tight if leavin it open only leads to em naggin me abt my sleepin habits. for cryin out loud im not a child nemore, i can sleep watever time i want, im not hurtin nebody m i? sigh. yawnn. # [ posted @ 3:14:00 AM ] pv i tink i shud work on stans speech now..ugh. ive had food in front of my face for an hr now, overeating like a piggy....jst coz i dont wana work on it not tht i dont wanna..but i feel lethargic rite now. im not inspired to write jst yet..i work best real late at nite, at dawn even. jst not during the day/evening.. oh god kiara, start the fuckin diet already. i m eatin so much these days i swear its not funny. # [ posted @ 2:19:00 AM ] pv 1. You're walking down a path. What do you see all around you? Green rolling hills, dotted with trees. Beyond them you can almost see mountains. ----->shows your attitude toward life If you chose the rolling hills, you're practical and down-to-earth, and you attract people with your straightforward nature. A great problem solver, you always listen to both points of view before taking a side. 2. You spot an object by your feet. What is it? A bottle ----->reveals what kind of boyfriend / girlfriend you're looking for If you chose the bottle, you want someone who's not afraid to show his / her intelligence. Ambitious, hard-working guys / gals turn you on. Drop-dead gorgeous just isn't enough for you. 3. Do you pick it up? No. ----->tells just how commitment-ready you are If you said no, you're into playing the field for now. 4. Continuing along the path, you come across a body of water. What type is it? cool, clear, serene lake ----->symbolizes your passion potential If you chose the lake, you're not interested in having a superficial relationship. Once you meet someone you're really into, your love runs deep pretty accurate i tink...taken from here # Tuesday, February 11 [ posted @ 9:34:00 PM ] pv brrrr....cold. # [ posted @ 9:12:00 PM ] pv why m i spittin up dark colord goo frm my mouth? i m puzzled....whn i woke up there was a stream of gunk frm my mouth down to my face onto my pillow. i brushd my teeth n there was goo too..but i cudnt figure out frm where, my teeth/gums dont seem to b bleedin..at least not rite now. this is rather frightenin. the past 3 mths my gums/teeth ve been bleedin n hurting. n i dont know whats triggerd it...the only ting i can tink of is ive stoppd takin my vitamins..other than that, nothing. im drinkin more milk (soy) now than b4 so surely it cant a calcium or iron deficiency..n im eatin WAY more food now than ever in yrs n yrs, so it shudnt b ne sort of nutrient deficiency...hmmm im worried. but only a bit... i gta get to work soon, i meant to wake up 3 hrs ago to cont workin on stans speech..alas, i slept thru both my alarm clocks..n i stil wana crawl bk into bed n zzZzz..hmm this will all b worth it tho, i hope. as in at least i know i can still write semi-decent stuff...i hvent usd my brain since i got out of uni, i thought all my brain cells had died already shit. its vday in 2 days. i feel like the loneliest person in the world. gta run. i mst say that this is sorta thrillin, bein stans ghostwriter..boy im flattered. either that or i mst really really like the guy. swwoooon. sigh. wish i cud b there this sat to c him..make the speech..him all dressd up...i feel q proud of the guy. i m so in love w his mind.hm..i feel sad...tht i cant b there..sigh. im jst a stupid someone he emails evy once cpl days. :( # [ posted @ 12:51:00 PM ] pv i m out of it..feelin tired n unmotivated. the ideas ve stoppd flowin in my head n im ready to call it a nite. this is mentally taxing..im really really out of it. naturally i m nowhere near completn but i hope to get there by early evenin tomorw. so this means it will reach stan weds mornin at the latest..well he did say no later than weds so technicaly he meant midnite his time rite? which translates to noon, thurs hk time..hehe. but nah i wana finish it by tomorw afternoon, jst in case he decides to not use it..i tink thts y hes givin himself so much leeway actualy, so he has nuff time to write out a new one if mine sucks. which is likely to b the case. id say im abt 75% done..the content is basicaly there but not word for word per se. plus the structure is frightening..theres no flow watsoever. i dont know y this is takin so long...its only gna b for 5 mins, plus the msg he wants to put across is not that difficult or complex, to b honest..i tink i jst dont want to fuck up n disapoint him...or worse, he mite laugh at me. but i ve not workd this hard on an essay since uni many eons ago. i guess at worst he wont use it, but i spose i can feel proud of the fact tht i gave it my best..thats poor consolatn but..i gues ill jst ve to force myself to not feel so dejctd abt it... yea im gna turn in now. ive no will to write nemore... u know wats realy gona suck? if he disappears on me cold turkey whn im done w it..i tink i will realy realy hate myself if that happs. n probably il b sick of likin/loving men too. speakin of which, veni tinks we shud spend vday together..since her guy is away, n my guy is...er, non existent. i hate this time of year...first time in 5 yrs ill b without someone. zzZzzz # [ posted @ 10:19:00 AM ] pv im sleepy # [ posted @ 10:13:00 AM ] pv i m so not lookin fwd to wat im abt to do..been avoiding it all nite...not even wantin to think abt it. its time to work on my sweethearts speech. blah. sweetheart, rightttt...argh. y m i doing this? veni says shes disappointd in me for havin agreed to do it: "y the hell shud u do it, he basks in all the glory n nobody will ever know ure the one who wrote it?!..do u really like him that much??" she continued to yell over my new nokia. "yes" i said, a bit too confidently. so the tv is off, im burnin a scentd candle, my door closd tight n my brain is clear: i m ready to embark on my mission...tis 1.15am..i dont plan on sleepin tonite, i only ve one class tomorw neway so no biggy..i ve till abt tomorw nite to finish the draft, altho im aimin at gettin it done by tonite/tomorw early mornin..that way it doenst look like ive done a rushd, half assed job. hmm i m so afraid of failing him :( i dont wana disappoint him even..i feel pressurd now he wrote nother email, sayin not to make it too serious but then i shudnt make it too funny either..hello? tht piece of suggestn doesnt realy help i dont tink? yawn..oh gosh i jst yawnd, i cant b sleepy jst yet! n again...oh. yawninggggggg... after work today i strolld down the night markets near my place, where u can get almost nethin at dirt cheap prices..its like a page outta history, old n simple folk doin their thing, puffin away..not a v safe or clean place to b, but the ambience n atmosphere is great...classic. u can almost smell the archaic-ness, the history of the place. its got so much character: the vitality, plain-ness, honesty, the grit. its all there... i succumbd to the ills of the place -- well veni jst rang n disruptd my train of thoughts...hmm shes havin a crisis: stupidly enuff, she agreed to go out on a "non-date" (her words) w a guy whos bn pesterin her for years...yes, yrs. we met this guy bk in 1997, whn me n her jst met also..we went to this club n the guy there playd the guitar. eventualy we bcame quite close, as in all the band members n veni n me..we d always get into the club for free hahaha, n we d go there twice a wk even..neway he startd to like veni an awful lot, ask her out all the time..she always said no, apart from this one time they had brunch together..or watever. me n veni werent close at all yet, so she nev told me abt this till yrs n yrs later lol...i wudve told the guy to fuck off for her, if she askd me to..but that was that, they went out once n he flew bk to canada where he lives. now fast fwd 5 yrs n he still has her no. n he still wants to hook up...thankfuly shes stood her ground..he flew to live/work in hk last yr to play in nother band at nother club - one of the most posh ones, n hes bn buggin her like a pest that wont go away. dunno wat came over her tonite then, whn he askd her out for coffee n she said yes..dumb her. of course she regrettd it the sec they hung up n she rang me, n i told her to cancel the meetin asap. poor girl..coppd a lot of shit frm me tonite.im like "wat do u ve to gain by goin out w him? n wat do u ve to lose by tellin him to get lost?" stupid man, he knew 5 yrs ago veni had a bf, n he knows now shes w the same guy still..wat sorta guy wud continue to pursue a girl in her shoes? jerk. well shes gna call me bk...we jst workd out wat she shud say to him abt cancelin the coffee thing on sunday, silly girl wrote it all down on pen n paper..we even rehearsd the possible responses from the guy, n how she shud respond....but i told her that was it. she is not gna speak to him nemore after tontie..n she will not pick up ne of his fone calls ever..the end. finito. le fin. enuff already....blah. wat bzness does he have contactin her after so many yrs neway...he is old enuff to b her father, he has a daughter venis age for chrissake. n look at the time, almost 2.30am n i hve yet to start on stans speech. sigh..i realy ve to get startd. help. # Monday, February 10 [ posted @ 11:02:00 PM ] pv i want to get a case for my fone..i tink i mite after work today. hmm..im runnin late for work but i cudnt b bothered. jinn is gettin so frail :( she sleeps all the time n cant walk properly. i now carry her abt 2/5s of the way when we walk...its startin to hurt to look at her. this is a bad sign... i need to clean my room tonite whn i get bk frm work..w o a clean rm i wont b able to get ne work done...n i gta do stans speech. look at the classifieds..file my bank/tax/fone/work papers...do some major dusting. fold my clothes n put em in my closet..i need a complete life make-over :( well i need to shower now, then scoot off to that horrid job in 30mins. i hate work. hmm i feel like goin for a jog now. mebbe tomorw...altho my nose is still runny n my chest clogged w yucky phlegm. i miss havin money to blow...... # [ posted @ 9:51:00 PM ] pv this man is amazing. i want to b like him xcerpts frm his blog: “There do exist enquiring minds, which long for the truth of the heart, seek it, strive to solve the problems set by life, try to penetrate to the essence of things and phenomena and to penetrate into themselves. If a man reasons and thinks soundly, no matter which path he follows in solving these problems, he must inevitably arrive back at himself, and begin with the solution of the problem of what he is himself and what his place is in the world around him. For without this knowledge, he will have no focal point in his search. Socrates’ words, “Know thyself” remain for all those who seek true knowledge and being." G. I. Gurdjieff Question: To be a happy fool or an unhappy philosopher? The fool may be happy but he remains a a fool. The philosopher may be unhappy but his journey towards understanding has not ended. When he reaches that point he will have happiness, relatively speaking. The fool remains static, the philosopher is evolving. Our purpose is to grow towards knowledge and understanding. (taken from here n here) # [ posted @ 8:36:00 PM ] pv wat a shocker...stan askd me to help him write his speech for his inauguratn nex wk...i was mighty flattered to say the least..heres this intelligent, well spoken, articulate, knowledgeable guy who wants dumb, illiterate, inexperiencd, unworldly ME to draft out a speech for him! whoa...im talkin a 200+ audience, mostly successful bzness ppl/socialites/wannabe socialites from the higher (or highest) income bracket. ahem. n he wants vulgar, uncultured, anti-elitist MOI to write him his thank u/acceptance speech! lol...this is so funny.....i hve nev had to make a speech b4, i hate public speakin bcos, truth b told - i m dead afraid...yes, i m a gutless chiken whn it comes to speakin in front of an audience (definitn of audience: nethin numberin more than 1 person)..i ve a speech impediment u c. i stutter. i talk outta my ass. i hve verbal diarhea...i forget wat im spposd to say (even w notes in hand), i even forget wat im doin there...i tremble, i shiver. n last but not least: i swear, out of sheer desperatn n panic....the point of the matter is, i detest bein looked at. i detest bein the center of attn. i hate ppl hangin onto my evyword..chkin out my dictn, posture, appearance...hangin onto each phrase, word, sentence i use..i hate it. i freak out n i go to panic mode: i go blank n break into a sweat. its numbing..its a harrowing xperience, really...i cant even bring myself to talk w a mirror. i feel stupid n dorky. soooo..wat da hell ve i done? ugh..how the fuck m i gna write out this speech for the guy i ve a crush on??..UGH. its his prez inaugurtn speech for gods sake! in front of well over 200 snobbies/bigwigs/corporate pigs...blah, hordes n hordes of fakers n poseurs...damn. phaps a political commentary (read: tirade) on the evils of globalizatn n the capitalist system? ugh..i hate this. to top it off, stan was kind nuff to include a nice list of pointers...ideas he wants to convey, stuff he wants to avoid, issues he wants to cover..et al..heavens. is this a speech for the presidency of the usa? lol...how cute of him =) hehe cant help but adore him even more actualy....wat a baby... ugh. just lookd at his email...a whoppin 34k worth!!..his longest email to me to date, needless to say. aiya... andddddd he wants it by tomorw. this will b so much fun. :| # [ posted @ 12:43:00 PM ] pv this is not good..i m stayin up later n later by the day. n the only reason i cant turn in after 5 is coz mom wakes up to go to school...id hate to b caught on the pc at tht hr..id realy b in the shits then. i dont get it..i realy m not sleepy to go to bed jst yet..i tink its the food. i eat too much, too late at nite. sheesh speakin of which, im spposd to b on a diet but it seems im only eatin more n more. fuck. ok, tis a promise: frm tomorw onwards im gna eat less..much much less. sigh..i ve gaind abt 10lbs since stan left..ugh. i did nothin productive today..wats new. i got my new fone so i playd w it for a bit but got bored real soon..damn y do they ve to make em so complicatd..i signd up for gprs, that way i get to wap n get in on the mms stuff...i tink its pay as u use, so theres no sign up/reg fee..pretty nifty. work was blah (ie boring)..i dont like the bunch of kids i teach on mondays coz they dont seem to like me either. hehehh..ohwell. i wana change jobs real bad but theres so much to tink abt..i had a deep dialog w the ynger bro b4 he left for work..im not sure if what i said got thru to him but i hope he tinks abt wat i said nonetheless. stuff abt mom n dad, their future, us lookin after em, our resps...im not sure whn the roles got reversd: us lookin after them...its weird..n not ez at all. havin to balance our own needs vs theirs...wantin our own lives/independence yet at the same time not leavin em out in the cold n involvin em in our lives still... i tink im gna go to bed now..i realy gta get off my butt n do some serious tinkin abt the job situation...im realy losin track of life, lettin it pass me by..sigh...my rm, my mind, evythin is in a mess rite now..i feel so out of shape, so left behind, so uninspired..so..lazy..mebe its the food..all this overeatin..makin me blobby n slothy...... # [ posted @ 10:43:00 AM ] pv i have a new toy! # [ posted @ 5:19:00 AM ] pv life is full of uncanny coincidences... # Sunday, February 9 [ posted @ 8:25:00 PM ] pv i feel sad...its like my feelins r on the outside today, raw n naked..n wat i see in the world ard me disappoints me, saddens me..i feel one w the universe today, n i feel small, tiny, miniscule..i woke up q early today, n i was teary. im not sure y..its unnerving. im not angry, or hateful..jst sad. i tink of stan, tatto, veni, roque, my fam, jinn...they r all precious to me n i thank god they r/were in my life..but i also tink that things cud b/cud ve been different..our rels cudve been more profound. i dont like bein ungrateful..im never satisfied it seems. im not that greedy, or at least i hope im not. i jst regret a lot of things. regret i dint do more, say more, regret my mistakes, regret i hurt them..i feel alone most of the time but my world is full to the brim w ppl. i ve so much to say, so much to do..but i feel alone..i say im bored but i know ive got things to get done, projcts to complete, goals to achieve. yet i procrastinate...yet i find the time to feel sorry for myself..yet i dwell on the -ve aspects in my life. yet i spend a lot of time regretting, wishing, wantin, hoping. truth b told ive nev felt more alive in my life..it was not too long ago i found no meaning, no purpose in my bein alive. i saw nothing n felt nothing. i dint even hate myself that much. i jst resentd being alive..i wantd to not b alive. in remininsce i m ashamed of how i was, the thoughts i had, the spite n bitterness i felt..n its bcos i c now how stupid/selfish i was then, i love living now. i dont love my life, nor do i love myself ne more than b4..but im not bitter that im alive nemore...actualy i tink im more articulate now n i c so many flaws in my character n person, both then n also now...i hate myself for my failures, inadequacies as a person. i was such a disappointment..n now...i hate myself even more. when i look bk n remm my failures in the past, my recollectns of who i was, how i was....this, compounded w my present situation n current failures n feelings of nothingness, uselessness - i c a worthless person havin achieved nothin in her life. # [ posted @ 1:10:00 PM ] pv things happen..some xplainable, some not...but they happ all the same..n u dont regret it....i dont understand myself most of the time..i do things i cant or shudnt condone, yet i dont regret they happend. i blieve ppl r too hard on emselves..i believe society fuckd up n we impose on ourselves stupid, meaningless rules jst so we can pass judgment on others to feel better abt ourselves. we re insecure n attn-loving..we love it whn others make mistakes coz that means tht we r better, more superior ppl..wat bullshit. we re human. we do things we shudnt, but fuck it, we re only human. we only live once...we can do wat we want. we shud do wat we want w o feelin afraid of wat other ppl will tink of us..when consenting adults choose to engage in acts either sensible or stupid ones, evything is ok. n nobody, n i mean nobody - has the rite to judge or criticize...i say this coz im sick n tired of ppl who push their moralistic socalld principles down ppls throats..i hate havin to feel bad coz ppl dont approve...i hate havin to feel guilty coz i dont meet ppls xpectatns...i m not a saint. i m not perfect...i never claimd to b either. i try to b a good person, i try to b the best i can b..i try not to hate..i try to b happy..i m not perfect tho. so whn i fail u, pls dont hate me..pls dont alienate me..pls dont look down upon me...life is hard enuff tryin to find meanin in a chaotic, violent, confusin world...y must we pick on each others faults n imperfectns? im not askin neone to love me..i jst want to b myself, w o bein fearful of bein hatd jst coz i m myself, jst coz i do wat i do. i keep fallin in love w the wrong men..can u hate me for that? but i dont choose who i fall in love with..it jst happens... i ve a hard head n m stubborn. can u hate me for that? but i only blieve wat i believe. i dont wanna eat meat..sorry, but i tink eatin dead animals is vile n disgusting..is that so hard to blieve? tom, im real sorry for wat happ..i feel shit abt it n am afraid things r gna change...i feel close to u n i hate to admit this, but ive grown really attachd to u the past few months..i realy hope we can remain true friends for a long time, n after tonite, if its possible, i want us to b even closer than ever b4..i know thts a lot to hope for, but i jst dont want to lose u. veni, ive always lovd u n i never stop appreciatin ur friendship. wat wud i do w o u? where wud i b w o u?...u r the only one who understands me even remotely, n i always wana b ur friend..i hate when i let u down n i hate it even more when i feel u dont know how much u mean to me..ur presence is a major part of my life. stan, i love u the way a girl cud ever love a guy in a romantic way n more..but i dont know how u really feel abt me n im afraid to ask, coz i dont want to b rejectd...i know ure at a stage in ur life rite now where u dont want nor need a gf, so i m givin u all the space n privacy i tink u want..its xtremly hard to not tell u how i feel abt u, but i dont want to risk u hating me for bein inappropriately clingy n emotional...but deep down i m always hopin u tell me wat i long to hear frm ur lips, i know chances r ill never hear u say them..in which case ill jst revere our friendship, as much as it hurts me to love u n want u n miss u this much, without u knowing...ull never know this, but despite circumstances esp the distance - out of all the guys ive bn with - i feel ure the most compatible, n ure the one i tink of, whn i imagine myself w a guy i cud love w all my heart n soul. i long to b with u....... n there r times i miss u so much, i have to stop the tears from falling. i really really miss u. i wish u were here. i wish we were together. i wish u cud give me a chance. # [ posted @ 10:56:00 AM ] pv hugs for u tom. thank u so much. n im sorry......... # [ posted @ 8:29:00 AM ] pv email to tom: [snip]...ive come to this conclusn: dare i say i dont regret wat happ tht nite, altho i know damn well tht it shudntve happnd. so there. u can hate me, u can label me immoral, u mite not wana ve nethin to do w me...but i cant help wat i feel. i njoyed it n no i wasnt that hammerd to not know wat i was doin at that time, n i can safely say the same abt her as well. of course it wudve NEVER happ if we were sober..but heck we r best friends n it was jst a matter of time..it was waitin to happ, tom. we always muckd ard neway..as in whn we re clubbin we always prefer to dance w each other, feel each other up, etc ..tell ppl ard us we re lovers, we like givin em a free show. so there ve always bn sexual undertones within our friendship - is that bad? beter we fuck ard w each other than w some sleazy stranger frm the bar no? sigh. ok who the fuck m i kiddin here tom im not sure if i really blieve wat im spewin here, phaps im jst tryin to make sense of it all..so i dont feel so guilty n weird abt the whole thing :( i cant say for sure that i wish it hadnt happ .. coz as i said abv, i sorta did like it ..which opens up a can of worms altogether: wat the fuck am i??? im too old to qstn my sexuality rite now ..n i never ever ever ever blievd in my dreams id have to doubt for a MILLISECOND my orientatn..godforbid, i truly truly hope im not gay. not that im homophobic or nethin, but .. fuck. i dont even know how to complete tht sentence. i tink im goin nuts abt this.... [snip] its 4am again. im tired but not sleepy nuff. sigh. im watching telefishion. i must b goin looney. help :( to make my life even more miserable, its vd rite round the corner n i HATE the stupid lovey dovey ads evywhere..on tv, the streets, the paper..i feel so damnd out of place. of course im jst bein bitter bcos NOBODY LOVES ME. then god decides to punish me more n further xtend my anguish w my YOUNGER bros impendin weddin in a few months,..jesus christ. the other day hes like "so how many ppl r u gna invite to my weddin, we need a rough no. " moi (unwantd, lonely, unloved, ugly): "OF COURSE NOBODY!" ynger bro: "umm" moi (unwantd, lonely, unlovd, ugly - with self sarcastic, selfpity tone): "well who is there to invite, i have nobody" ynger bro: *silence* yes my life is shit. everybody knows that... sigh :( # |
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