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Saturday, February 22 [ posted @ 9:56:00 PM ] pv waitin for my nails to dry b4 i take off..meetin AS - tink we re headin off to one of the islands here for a late lunch. theres this vegan place ive always wantd to try, apprntly its the best...hmm mom n i were talkin abt him n she said "ive nev met a more decent, good man..how sad u dumped him".."i did not dump him!" sheeesh..things jst dint work out tween us, n i ve no animosity towards the guy..we re still friends altho i admit tht i m sad hes leavin hk, i tink we cudve bn friends if he was livin here...AS is leavin to go bk home in syd nex wk, the tentative date is 25feb which is in 2 days time....hmm im tryin not to tink abt it...i stil gta tell him some more things b4 he leaves tho..ive yet to thank him for evythin n apologize for all my ways while we were together..i was a nitemare gf, the gf from hell....i realy feel bad things cudnt work out tween us esp after evythin we ve bn thru together..i tink somewhere along the line i got tired of failin him all the time, thts whn i startd to lose focus n redirect my time, energy, feelins onto other ppl, other situatns..whn i startd to not want to fix watever that was broken tween AS n i..i jst let em b, hopin theyd magically fix emselves..of course tht dint happ..in fact things got progressivly worse as i grew more n more attachd to ppl who were a distractn at best, a threat at worst...eventualy i fell in love w someone else, altho i knew there was no future for us..i kept at it, i tink coz i wantd a 'normal' relatnship so badly..not the rel i had w AS at the time: i was always failin him, hurtin him, i was nev good nuff for him...well i gues me n AS were nev meant to b...as perfect a partner as he was/is......rite now im still in love w the new guy (ie tatto)..i know we ve partd ways already but whn we do spend time together its like we nev separated n tht we re still a cpl...we certainly act like we re still together, we nev talk abt the split...in fact there was never ne formal separatn..all it was was a v nasty fone call where we xchangd some horrible words n which ended w me hangin up on him....no gdbyes, no nothin....so whn we do get together these days (mostly at his initiatn - im too wounded to start all over w him again, esp whn hes due to b married nex cpl mths/wks, last i heard), all these feelins start gushin bk, n i wana tell him tht i love him n will always love him... i consider him to b the love of my life. i tink one of these days def b4 he gets married ill tell him all this...n then leave him gracefully, n bid him adieu.....wishin him well. better go, meetin AS at 2 in central. peace out # [ posted @ 12:19:00 PM ] pv whoa i spent an hr writin that email zzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz **collapses on keyboard* zZzzz # [ posted @ 12:19:00 PM ] pv i did it. i wrote a reply to stan..finally..after days n days of tinkin abt wat to say, how to phrase wat i felt he needed to know.. my eyes r dead tired so im gna head to bed now. <3 stan.......hugs # [ posted @ 11:03:00 AM ] pv well tonite on hk tv they finaly aird the wacko jacko interv..wat a load of crock...id bn lookin fwd to it for almost 2 wks n there was lots of advertisin hype over it too..i thought the documentary wud give us a glimpse into the mind of mj, give mj himself the opp to xplain himself, allow us to c him as a normal human bein like each n evy one of us..how disappointin, i felt the interv totaly bkfired on him coz he ended up givin us the impression that he was nethin but normal...in fact bits of it were quite disturbin n i find mj very very creepy now..i tink mj is a great entertainr (as opposd to musician) n i hve lots of respect for the man..sure hes a bit eccentric but who cares...well in the documentary i cudnt help but feel sorry for him, hes so damn lost in his own little fantasy world..which is fine i spose, arent we all delusional sometimes - xcept that we arent worth us$1billion plus like him so we dont got the dough to actualy relive our childhood over n over again by constructin zoos, theme parks, etc - but thing is hes bringin innocent ppl into his warpd fantasy-made-reality world..the biggest victims, his poor kids..heavens, this man shud b castratd frm havin ne more kids..whn i saw his 2 little ones paradin ard in masquerade masks, i felt so so sorry for em...theyre only 6 n 4 n already theyre the subject of their own fathers weirdness..born into the world to satisfy his "need" to b a father..hello? "debbie gave birth to them as a present to me..she dint want ne children" - this was the most unsettlin part of the documentary for me, shit do these kids mean so little to someone who alledgedly "loves children so much if there were no children left in the world ill jump off a building"? poor mj, hes so weird..n wats more sad is that he knows hes wierd n tries to take adv of this fake weirdness by sayin stupid things, knowin all well the publicity itll generate for him..this guys career has waned in the 2 decades, hes realy pushin his face into the limelight to get pp notice him again...the zoo event whn he took his kids there only to totally bask in the glory of all the paparazzi, its so obvious he did it only to promote himself, make himself seen...his poor kids. i feel so sorry for em... n mj actualy came across as unintelligent n stupid most of the time...he doesnt know how to answer qstns n..he contradicts himself half the time....i wonder if he himself knew wat he was talkin abt....but abv all tho hes a liar..he stated that the mother of his baby was someone he "had a rel with", tht shes someone who dint want ne media attn over their 'relationship' thus they kept mum abt it...towards the end it turns out she was only a surrogate...yuck who wud sleep w mj. the thought jst crept into my mind n i feel sick. then the way he denied ever havin changd his appearance via surgery..wat bs. i tink theres nobody on earth who bleives tht he only had 2 ops done..liar. wat a freak. i cannot fanthom the idea of him bein resp for the welfare, well bein, future, life of 3 little human beings...shit, wat sort of dad wud let his kids sleep in the same bed w a man not relatd to the child? i tink he wantd to sound all noble n humble.. i felt he was pretentious n unintelligent, his cliches made me wanna throw up..how corny n stupid soundin...hes so fake, unreal. as u can c ive lost a considerable amt of rspect for the guy, hpefuly the nex interv tht comes out will exhonerate him...godknows is too late arleady. was like a freak show..poor prince n paris. n tht ludicrous idea of his to adopt 2 kids from each continent? nothin more than a publicity stunt to get ppl to start noticin him again..hes v selfish. havin led an unfulfild, sad, miserable childhood he chooses to recreate it again, coz he can afford to. the crime is bringin innocent children in, merely to satisfy his selfish whims of a shot at parenthood..he basicaly bought these children n now theyre unwillin pawns in his chess game where he is king...i feel so sorry for his kids..n mj? he needs serious medical attn. wat a looney. # [ posted @ 4:31:00 AM ] pv my life = big mess can someone help fix it? # [ posted @ 4:25:00 AM ] pv hmmm.. sigh. # Friday, February 21 [ posted @ 9:29:00 PM ] pv i feel like cryin from sheer exhaustion..im jst holdin bk the tears coz i tink itd b incredibly stupid to cry coz of physical tiredness...on the way home it was terrible, ppl evywhere...the train was jam packd w ppl, i felt like cowerin in a corner n weeping..my class in the mornin went shit, as shit as it cud b...jst one kid turnd up n his mom decided to sit in w him, sigh.....i hadnt prepard nothin for the class so i was a bumbling idiot most of the time, the rest of the time i jst sat there w glazed eyes..defeated, tired, i felt like walking out n runnin away..far far away....at the end of the clas i apologizd to keiths mom..there was nothin else i cud do or feel..i was jst so tired..my minds on shutdown mode, my eyes droopin wanting to close for 12 hrs at least..... then i thought of stans predicament..how cud he lie to me like that?? i felt so angry at first whn i was tinkin abt it..then..resignation...acceptance...feigned acceptance rather. i have no choice..i hve to deal w it..whether i succeed in convincin myself not to lose ne respect for him for lyin to me or not, i hve to deal. i think i m jst so tired of bein disappointd..my brain is tired of havin to lie to my heart abt acceptin ppl as they r, to forgive em for failing me n hurting me..i tink i jst wana go away...im tired, im fed up..im not angry or spiteful..jst tired. im really jst tired i want affection. i want understanding. i know im guilty of trading my principles, point of view for a bit of both..i cant help it. my life is jst so devoid of the two, whnever the opp arises i jump at the chance...eventualy i hurt myself coz i feel like a lesser person. a smaller person...i start to hate myself for bein stupid, fickle, shallow, greedy. i know im pathetic...sometimes i pity myself. over so many things. /me hugs kiara thank u. # [ posted @ 5:56:00 PM ] pv m dead tired, unmotivated n sleepy..i feel im doin the kids an injustice coz i nev prepare nethin for class...in lite of the amt of $ theyre payin me they xpect a lot more than tht..keep tellin myself one of these days im gna sort evythin out n write up teachin plans n schedules n stuff but i never get round to doin it ..i tink its just too hard..i ve a myriad of kids, all on diff levels w diff personalities..i hate it..im thinkin of leavin one class coz i jst cant take it nemore, ive got 2 autistic kids in tht one n i ve no clue how to deal w em...nothers got learnin difficulties who cant understand/speak a single word of engl..all this is v discouragin n difficult n disheartenin, whn i stand there w them feelin totally helpless n frustrated..sigh. gta run, m runnin late again..not sure if im gna come home to take a catnap tween classes, or if i shud eat smth instead.....well will b bk by tonite, later # [ posted @ 12:25:00 PM ] pv today n yest..my emotions ve been tossd, turnd, spun ard, slappd, smashd n the like......evyone i have issues w poppd up all together, fuckin up my emotional state n mental system: stan emails me askin if im mad at him...tatto calls me n we r gettin close again...tom says he wants to bk off frm me coz he feels we re gettin too close...AS n i meet up coz i gta pick up my stuff frm his appt b4 he leaves hk nex wk...wtf. i was w AS till 4am, simply coz there was jst too much to pack at his place..then we cabbd the load to my place n he ate a bit here..talked...we seem to b ok at this point..we did kiss but i felt uncomfy so i movd away n he understood...he wantd to talk abt it but i hintd that we shud leave things as they r...really, wat r we gna achieve if we open can of worms after can of worms? some things r indeed beter left unsaid...wats the point if hes leavin in cpl days time..the status of our rel is there rite in front of our v eyes: nonexistent..friends at best. well in cpl days time we ll b longdistance friends...we all know distance breaks rels so in time we re gna b nothin but 2 individuals w a shared history..tht is it..i m prepard for this n i still feel this is the rite thing to do..friends ard me r still tryin to make a last ditch effort to get us both together again, but fat chance..AS n i r over stan emaild me askin if im mad at him, shit wat m i sposd to say? "yes, u lyin sonofabitch"?? ..fuck i like him too much to admit tht im mad at him..so i tink im gna give myself some time to cool down a bit, let my anger die off b4 i write bk..sigh i stil hvent thought the situatn thru, to b honest..veni says wht he did was a dastardly, evil act n tht he shud not b forgiven...hmm no, im gna tell him tht im ok n tht im not mad at him...yes i know thts really loserlike of me, but who m i kiddin..i honestly dont tink the direction of our socalld relationship wudve taken a diffrent course/route had he told me all this whn we first met..so i got no real rite to b peevd off at him no? ..after all i stil want his friendship, thts for sure..so no, im not gna let a petty thing like this destroy us fuck im yawnin big time gta get some shuteye, work in 5 hrs n gta b up in 2 hrs..last nite i went on 5 hrs of sleep n the nite b4 barely 3 n oh yea roy calld too, he was buggin me to go out w him tonite..shit took me ages to get him off my bk..not bein mean or nethin but tonite im jst really buggred n needed some time alone...dint even talk to veni for more than 15 mins, the smart girl tht she is, she knew i wasnt up for talkin today...i wil make it up to her tomorw/sunday..i feel bad.. but i hope/think she understands? tomrow the first episode of survivor 5 is showin, n on the other channel at the same time is that notorious michael jackson interview..so im gna flick tween the two channels..vanilla ice is also performin tomorw, hahahaha wat a joke tic sales r soooo bad the concert organizers r literally givin em away for free (go here, all u gta do is turn up at their office)..even then ppl dont wana go n r havin such a gd time laughin at the poor guy...oh well the pitfalls of fame i spose. he was ok, hes jst such a poseur its sickenin. gta go to bed else im gna collapse yawn. fuck. realy gta get some sleep # [ posted @ 11:03:00 AM ] pv one minute im euphoricaly happy, the nex im morbidly dpressed..i dont get it. im tryin to fig out wat spurrd on this shift tonite..all i did was watch 3rd watch...the episode was abt 9.11..cud it b that? cant b..im not tht emotional abt 9.11, well i was whn it actually happ but..no, im not tht affctd by it rite now..hm hope tht doenst make me an evil person btw..well speakin of this 9.11 bzness im q sick of hearin abt us-iraq relations evywhere, bloody first thing on the news n its always on the front page in the papers....i dont give a damn nemore..yes i do like bush, well at least before i did..but this terrorism shit jst bugs the hell outta me now..im sick of hearin abt it, sick of readin abt it, sick of ppl talkin abt it there. that was my rant of the day oh wait, tom is online # [ posted @ 10:32:00 AM ] pv 
You'll Get Caught Doing it At a Party!You're a total party girl who likes guys just as wild you are. You don't try to, but you always seem to draw attention! You love to have a good time, and you're likely to get it on at a party. You love to flirt, tease... and of course have sex! It's just so exhilerating to have sex in a strange, semi-public place... With someone you've just met! Plus, at a party, you can always reinvent yourself into a lesbian - or group sex star! Whatever you do, make sure you look your best at parties... And take that object of your desire upstairs. Just make sure the next horny couple doesn't burst in and catch you! Where Will You Get Caught Having Sex? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva # [ posted @ 10:26:00 AM ] pv hvent done one of these in a while x. first name = initial r x. middle name = initial r x. birthday = oct x. height = short x. shoe size = 8....damn i hate havin such big feet x. hair color = copper...dyed, natch x. length = cpl inches below my shoulders, jst had it trimmd last wk x. eye color = blk i guess x. school = bn there done that..not a bad life at all. compard to workin life schools a breeze x. siblings names and ages = ritchie, ryan (30 n 25 this yr) x. pets = jinney..i pref to call her family tho..i rarely use pet x. who do you live with = the clan minus ritchie who lives in disco bay w the wife for or against x. using someone = against x. suicide = neutral x. killing people = dpends on motive x. teenage smoking = against..but its jst one of those things ppl do neway x. doing drugs = against x. premarital sex = neutral, nothin against it x. driving drunk = def against..duh x. gay/lesbian relationships = eh? theyre no different to straight/hetero rels x. abortion = against favorite... x. food = tofu, mushrooms, beansprouts, nuts, peanut butter+jam sandwiches x. song = too personal to divulge x. thing to do = read, write, engage in good conversatn x. thing to talk about = life, death n evythin in tween..tho its not abt wat u talk abt but with whom x. sports = dont do much sports apart from walkin/joggin..i like watchin soccer/football on the telly tho x. drinks = beer, rum+ coke x. clothes = clubnites: slinky tank/tube top + low ride jeans/pants..casual: jeans + babytee...work: smth smart n sexy like a tailored suit x. movies = umm nothin comes to mind..apart frm trainspotting, fight club, seven x. band = um coldplay at the moment...the original britpop ppl: oasis, suede, kula shaker etc x. holiday = ne hol wil do, as long as we dont gta go to work hehhe..personaly i hate xmas n bdays x. cars = audi, merc n porsche of course x. tv stations = axn, hbo x. tv shows = sex n the city, ally, csi, the amazin race, the practice..dont watch much tv actualy x. websites = al/ar sites, hotmail, hk.com, readin ppls blogs x. colors = blk, red/crimson/maroon..ne shade of red..on gd days white is ok too have you... x. ever cried over a girl = yep, ive been hurt by girls b4 x. ever cried over a boy = ditto as abv..but ve i cried out of happiness/love? yes too x. ever lied to someone = not knowingly, i try to avoid lyin like the plague x. ever been in a fist fight = w the now-ex (AS)...was always me throwin the punches obviously x. ever been arrested = not yet what... x. shampoo do you use = i alternate tween tigi n vidal sassoon x. cologne do you use = j&j..perfume: envy, dazzling, moschino n umm smth tatto gave me which remains our lil secret (n wil remain so) x. shoes do you wear = dms, a really really old pair of blk nike trainers, birks...whn out partyin high heels w pointy open toed tips x. are you scared of = the dark...havin regrets...failin my parents...whn im on my deathbed the feelin ive achievd nothing x. musical styles do you like? = r n b, rap, rock, bit of metal x. radio stations do you listen to? = i dont listen to the radio x. do you do for fun = read, write, go out clubbin, drinking, shopping, bein w ppl i love x. do you wish your name was = i ve no idea...i tink im happy w my name..used to hate it whn i was ynger coz i thought it was too girly x. do you want to be when you grow up = well im grown up n tragicaly, im nowhere near wat i ever dreamd of bein/doin number... x. of guys I have kissed? = umm on the mouth? ummm 10? 12? x. of girls I have kissed? = er, on the mouth, 1. but i was hammeredddddddd x. of continents I have lived in? = 1 x. of drugs taken illegally? = 0 x. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = just 1, as far as i know x. of people I consider my enemies? = none realy..ppl i dont really care for i dont waste my time hating x. of people from high school that I stayed in contact with? = abt 2 or 3..jst casual meets n greets tho x. of cd's that I own? = too many to count x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = once, over a stupid project i did at uni..for publicity purposes only x. of scars on my body? = cpl on my left wrist...one on my tummy x. of things in my past that I regret? = none...i know tis is corny/clichd... but i feel watever ive gone thru, watever stupid thing ive done has made me stronger n wiser relationships x. husband or wife? = how bout exhusband? lol nah...neither realy x. bestfriends = veni x. person you are thinking of = tatto x. you have a crush on someone? = im too old for crushes x. boyfriend/girlfriend = neither..blah do you.. x. wish you could live somewhere else = yep all the time x. think about suicide = not nemore x. drink = yepper x. do drugs = nope not yet x. smoke = just socially...n whn im dpressd/anxious/nervous x. like cleaning = jst my rm x. like roller coasters = yea x. write in cursive or print = both x. carry a donor card = i did but i lost my wallet..meant to get nother card but hvent yet x. watch american idol = doenst air here x. who did you want to win = n/a x. wear jewelry = jst cheap metal realy x. read your horoscope = nope x. snore = apprently yes esp whn im knackered x. drool in your sleep = embarrsingly, yes x. lick your envelopes or use a sponge = dip my finger in water x. like onions = cooked ones yes...raw yuck x. like cotton candy = not particularly..i dont ve a sweet tooth x. sleep with socks on = no..unless its really realy realy cold x. know anyone famous = nope..but influential, sorta..important, sorta too random x. room colors = boring white walls, blk furniture x. movie you saw = 2 wks notice w veni x. song you listened to = how u remind me, nickelback x. song that was stuck in your head = c abv x. songs you've downloaded = dont remm..fuckin kazaa cant load on my pc coz my pcs fuckd x. cd you bought = whoa..dont remm, been a while x. cd you listened to = a compilatn of rock tracks i burnd..mostly creed, incubus x. person you've called = i dint call nobody today, wasnt in the mood to talk..veni, roy calld tho x. are you shy = yes (really!) # [ posted @ 7:14:00 AM ] pv it appears that im v popular w a certain someone frm canada w worldlinx..wud this person like to make her/himself known? phaps i can thank u personaly for keepin my stats up # [ posted @ 1:07:00 AM ] pv note to self: stop believin in ppl. # Thursday, February 20 [ posted @ 10:06:00 PM ] pv stan: are you here? kiara: do u believe in long distance love? # [ posted @ 9:26:00 PM ] pv but i wont let myself fall for u.....im sorry...... # [ posted @ 9:25:00 PM ] pv tatto....he rang last nite again....we talkd in the early hrs of the mornin, at 4am...we laughd..giggled...it felt good..it was the old tatto...the real tatto...the tatto i fell in love w n lovd all this time...we r spendin more time together now...w o the bickering...hes sheddin his shell, sharin his soul again..doin away w the exterior i hate so much..its the old tatto..not the new tatto i grew to dislike, feel sorry for..its all so familiar again..wats goin on..? hes not a stranger nemore...hes not actin like a stranger nemore...no longer cold n distant..u were so soul-less.....now ure warm, pleasant, spirited...its us again...i recognize u now....uve begun to touch my heart again..its like..a new u..the u frm b4...whn we were in love...n u want this to happen again now....ur kisses filld w affection..ur words w sincerity n authenticity..its you...the tatto i love =) # [ posted @ 8:36:00 PM ] pv yesterday was like a walk thru the twilight zone..a world where logic n sense n time dont exist, a place where only feelings n memories n emotions coexist...theres little or no concern w wat shudve or shudntve happened..n w this, all im left w is further sadness n bereavement of a rel gone wrong somewhere, the waste of the possibly perfect rel, xcept tht i fucked up n now its nothin but a stab in the heart that i destroyd the life of a decent, good person....bittersweet memories of bliss n love, but heavily tingd w hurt that this cudve bn smth magical n beautiful but i chose to not only let it go, but also slowly kill it over the 2 or so yrs..as i brutaly kept the person in questn in limbo, further addin salt on his wounds as i screwd up left rite n center..n he, always the lovin, carin person that he was - wud never not b there to support me n pick up the pieces afterwards; he d also wipe my tears n tell me tht im not a bad person, tht he still lovd me....that nothin was my fault n that evythin was gna b ok this was a scenario on repeat mode..id fuck up, he d fix n hold me..each time tighter than the last..he wud reassure me more n more of his love for me, tht he wasnt gna leave me..me n my stupidity, selfishness.....i kept at it, kept fuckin up, kept hurtin him..i took adv, sometimes consciously coz i knew he d still want me no mater wat i did...... then i startd to not care abt him..i dont know whn or y...phaps my life startd to pick up again, i was ok...not so confusd n stuffd up nemore....n my feelins for him subsided over time....in my mind he stoppd to exist as i persued other interests..as i met new ppl...found myself wantin to b w otehr ppl thn spend time w him...n thats whn i knew, tht things cud not b salvagd nemore..when i dint even tink of him ne longer..which soon progrssd to me not wantin to meet him or go out w him, choosin either to stay at home or b w other ppl...... i hurt him n i hurt him bad. i realize tht now n i feel shit abt it...well i knew it bk then too but i dint care i spose....i know n cant bring up the past now..doin so wud only b self gratifyin, the purpose bhind it wud b selfish n mean n low: phaps jst to absolve myself, b less riddld w guilt..yet of cos i know his pain n hurt wud only b intensified further if i bring up the past... ppl ard me hate me for hurtin him so much the way i did..mom too, till now, tells me i fuckd him up, destroyd us..shes rite, of cos...but too late now..which is ok, hes better off w o me...i tink in all our yrs together i nev quite fulfild him..i nev was capable of givin him the happiness he deserves..watever i had, was defiled..not gd nuff for him, coz im jst not good nuff for him n never will b gd nuff for him....i know i lovd him but it wasnt enuff...it was totally unfair n wrong for him to ve had to clean up my mess each n evy time i fuckd up.... phaps it also gave me feelins of inadequacy..worthlessness...the way he d clean up my mess for me, make evythin ok again...yea..i tink i felt more n more useless as time went on...like a failure....hmm. helpin ppl is a doubl edgd sword sometimes. makes em feel helpless n unworthy n incapable. he did it too much. n b4long i startd to resent him for it..... # Wednesday, February 19 [ posted @ 4:49:00 PM ] pv blah. gna b a real bz day today. sigh :( yet nother day in my humdrum life.....cheers # [ posted @ 12:21:00 PM ] pv i tink i will channel my surplus energy into workin w peta...i cant sit ard ne longer, idly attemptin to dissect n understand the working mind of men, w little success..i m so tired of it. all this has only resultd in more confusn...frustratn..n finally, defeat. i try so hard to work w u guys n all i get is misunderstandin, hurt n a tarnishd view on men n relatnships in general. n a desire to go b gay heheh...jk. all the same, i will no longer try to make sense of the male homosapien. i m thru w it. i need to go beddytime now. i workd on one of my pages all nite, n it stil sucks. im still somewhat lost abt the whole stan situatn n ive resolvd to leave the ball in his court n not do nethin. if he writes again, we ll c wat he says abt his recent disclosure n ill figure out soon nuff wat or how to respond...n if he doesnt write no more n disappears on me...ohwell. the tally is 4 n counting: kiara gets fuckd over once again. gdnite evyone (to ponder: y is tatto comin to my rm n chattin w me these days?) # [ posted @ 2:22:00 AM ] pv someone i know - altho not personaly - has jst bn diagnosd w primary cancer of the kidneys, n secondary cancer of the intestine. # [ posted @ 1:25:00 AM ] pv So please, you do not need to take a hiatus on an account of anyone, especially me. I will not overstay my welcome there with you. I will just take the special and wonderful memories we shared with me and leave your room. Thanks for chatting and putting up with me all these months. bullshit. kiara: on a hiatus from being herself. wtf. i lose a friend coz we got along too well, watever the fuck that means. its not my fault goddamit!!! its not my friggin fault...i dint do fuckin nething. n now ure gone, taking our friendship with u. i dont know wat the fuck happened. i dont know wat the fuck went wrong. wat the fuck do u want me to do? i did nothing wrong. i did nothing. n now u wana not b friends nemore. on account of wat? us getting along perfectly. like butter on bread. duck to water. house on fire. when was that a bad thing? forgive me for being so stupid..i guess i shudve fought w u more. i shudve been nasty to u. i shudve been a horrible bitch to u. at least we still wudve been friends. i seem to b losing more friends than making them these days...i seem to b makin more enemies than friends these days. but i never meant for this to happen...i nev meant to hurt neone. how ironic then that i end up shooting myself in the foot...thru no fault of my own. i dint freakin do nething. if u turnd bk time i still wudve done things the same way, coz i still dont know wat the fuck happened, where i went wrong, wat i did wrong. i tink im just meant to b alone n friendless. either that or im too stupid to ve friends. i dont understand. # Tuesday, February 18 [ posted @ 11:02:00 AM ] pv i keep readin his email over n over again n i still cant believe it...i dont know wat to do. # [ posted @ 4:14:00 AM ] pv an abuse of trust.. is it ok if i go numb for a cpl days, pretend he doesnt exist..i jst dont wana deal w all this rite now. i dont know how to... # Monday, February 17 [ posted @ 10:41:00 PM ] pv a conclusion: all men = liars t/f? # [ posted @ 8:50:00 PM ] pv i found out roque was married whn he took me to his place for the v first time...i cant say i was totally unprepard for it, veni had suspctd this from the day roque n i met n she d given me the drill over n over again..gettin me usd to the idea/possible fact, so i wudnt b so devastatd if wat she thought turnd out to b true..wat i dint xpect was him not tellin me of his marital status durin those many times he cried n sobbd as he recountd his life n his lifes mistakes to me in heartfelt, deep n intesnse converstns b4 he took me to his place....it is such a crucial moment: that time a girl agrees to go to a guys apartment for the first time, obviously she knows wat to xpect n wat msg she ll b givin the guy, n yea, she mst take responsiblity for nethin that happs inside that aprtment...she mstve also at the v least thought abt wat it will do to the relatnship, n prepare herself for the worst, in case all the guy wants is a hole to stick his dick in...i had thought of evy single scenario frm the moment he suggstd i shud go over to his place that comin sunday (esp the poss of him bein married) to avoid the carnage i knew id create within myself, in myself, out of hurt, shock, desperatn, utter pain: the self destructn similar to wat drove me to try to take my own life when i found out that tatto had slept w his ex early last yr i put my bag n things at the foot of roques bed, n sat on the edge of it as we talkd abt generic stuff...he took off his silver chain from ard his neck, he wore this chain 24/7..it had a huge crucifix hangin off it, n it was the first time id seen him take it off..he put it in on his side table then sat down nex to me...i was not lookin for nethin in particular, whn my eyes were drawn to his crucifix...n thats whn i saw a girls name w/his surname inscribd on the bk of the crucifix. my heart fell....my throat went dry. wat was eerie was her name was so similar to mine...as we lay in bed together talkin abt nothin in gen, all i cud tink of was him bein marrid...he was talkin n talkin but nothin was registerin coz my mind was preoccupied w thoughts of him n that girls name on the crucifix...."who was she?" "y hasnt he mentned her?" "is it in my place to ask him?" like bits of recorded film footage playd over n over again...i cudnt hold it in ne longer so i jst blurtd out "r u married?" he swore he was gna tell me but not that soon...he was afraid of scarin me away, he said. but yes he was gna tell me abt his wife, his 2 kids...i was fazed, but not shocked..i was hurt but not in pain when he told me...i hadnt realizd till later that nite after he spilled all, that all the shit he was xperiencin in life stemmd from his failed marriage, n his desperatn to c n b w his kids again....he chose to go at it alone...a marriage in tatters almost breakin off at the seams..then the affair...he let up n put up, but there was constant mistrust n suspicion after that, naturally...when she walkd out w their kids that was the last straw for him: the hate n anger built up, accumulatd inside of him..he turnd frm a devoted family man to a ruthless, cold thug...his violent nature crept in as his defence mechanism kickd in: his hurt turned to hate, his sadness to bitterness. he turnd into someone whose blood was never not at boiling point. his anger was evident to evyone n many were afraid to talk to him, for fear sayin the wrong thing which cud spur on a vicious attack. here was a guy whose master askd to go to korea to turn professional kickboxer...apart frm the anguish n mental disarray roque had successfully channelld into instruments of hate, distaste towards the world..he also usd this frustatn as fuel to perfect his survivor skills: roque turned professional fighter in no time...altho he had traind in chinese martial arts since he was 10, he diversified his techniques into thai kickboxing, fil boxing n taekwondo..goin to practice sev times a wk, training mentally as well as phy. while we were together roque was always alert n suspicious of evyone ard him, evy single thing that movd wud grab his attn..evy single move of his a strategic respnose to watever was goin on ard us..he constantly taught me fighting moves, where to hit n kick n punch n how hard..he taught me wat things/situatns/ppl to avoid...how to get out of catch 22 situatns..usin mind n body. to him, evyone was the enemy: the police, his co workers, shop keepers, his boss, the person walkin in the street nex to u..nobody was not the enemy. id told veni cpl times i was afraid of him losin his temper...his walls at home had bn punchd in, he had cig burns on his hands n fists n fingers..well my fears were confirmd one nite..whn i was out w him n veni..i got drunk n he was frustratd n he bashd a steel scaffoldin in the street many times over...his fist swelled to a small balloon the nex day. i hated roque for lettin me find out abt the wife. as things progrssd tween him n me, i learnd the xtent of damage his life was in coz of his marriage...much later, i startd to respect n understand y he cudnt tell me abt her..yes, neone in my shoes wud ve run to the hills upon his disclosure of the emotional baggage he was carryin n wud never not carry...i hate to say this, but he was a bad catch, the worstkind ne woman wud come across, tho not thru his fault at all..note i never not wantd him n i was always hopin he d grow to love me in the same way i loved him..he was someone loaded w hate, it was a constant battle on my part to convince him that i did love him, n did want him..in secret i dreamd of a future together w him n his kids, even more so i dreamd of givin him the happiness his life had bn devoid of for so many yrs..i hatd seein him angry n bitter. i was frustratd as hell whnever i faild to make him c the beauty of love n sharing. i wantd so desprately for him to c tht life can b ok again, once u forgive urself n those ard u..i shard w him abt my past, the hospital thingies, n my eventual recovery...but it was hopeless. he was stuck in this zone. n nobody cud get thru, even me. ppl close to me mst know this fact abt me: i m a genuine person w gd intentions. i dont hate for no reason n i dont hurt ppl, w gd reason or not...thus i hate lies n i hate liars even more coz its an evil way of gettin ones way to gratify the self: dishonesty n self gratificatn thru dishonest/unethical/impure means combined suck big time.. i dont like bein lied to n i hate the bullshit xcuses bhind those lies, whn things come out in the open. n abv evything else, i hate findin out that ive bn lied to. it hurts big time. its a major act of betrayal, of intentional deceit. And I think you are right, being honest is the best policy and I think I have the responsibility to let you know this, I just found it very hard to lie to a person I adore. im not angry at stan for the email he jst wrote. im just majorly hurt...his reasons for withholdin the entire truth were entirely justified, n i understand completely y he cudnt b straight w me. n i respect him for tellin me now wat i shudve bn told earlier...but i digress, im hurt all the same. i admit i was angry at first..this feelin of betrayal..esp whn i ve bn nothin but honest n truthful n straight in all my dealings w him..each thought, each passin statement, each action n act, evything i said n did: truthful, no bs, no formality, nothin for the sake of gainin his approval or to impress him, no mindgames, no beatin round the bush....jst me, my thoughts, my feelings....all those conversatns we had, this was someone i cud connect w goddamit! the most compatible person ive met in all my life, on a mental n on an intellectual level, he was the one. phy i wasnt sure yet if we were compatible, after all we dint spend tht much time together..but evy dialog w him was heaven, i felt fulfiled n happy. the xchange of thoughts n opinion was nothin short of amazing...i was totally sure he understood me...i felt he knew where i was comin frm, i felt he understood wat i was all abt. me. fucked up, self conscious me had found security n selfconfidence in bein w him, in being myself w him. thats smth i never had in ne of my pathetic rels..i was always in self doubt, always unsure of myself. whether i was gd enuff/intelligent enuff/worthy enuff a person. i felt like a failure. but w stan, i felt at ease. i loved tht i cud speak w o stuttering, i cud xpress myself w o feelin stupid or unsure. all in all im disappointd. disappointd things tween us were not as honest as i thought they were..but. nothing in the world is perfect, is it? my opinion on stan hasnt changed tho..neither ve my feelings for him. hes still my favorite person in the world, w a great mind to boot..i still desire him the same way i did since the day i knew i was fallin in love w him. sure im hurt rite now but not so much by his havin hidden smth frm me, but the fact that i, once again, dint give someone close to me a chance to b himself w me, coz i was too caught up w preconceivd notions on wat i believd that person was like. i was too sure of myself...i let my narrowmindedness take over, w o giving him so much as an opportunity to show me wat he really was, to b who he really was. as w roque, phaps i was too focusd on giving love...i always make the mistake of makin ppl fear that they ll disappoint me. or hurt me..or lose me (or m i jst fooling/flatterin myself here?) i nev stoppd short of tellin stan how much i loved bein w him, our conversatns, the way he put me at ease, how he illuminatd me w his thoughts n ideas n wit. i really did n still do look up to him, hes someone i admire greatly. part of y im in love w him is coz ive so much respect for him, i look at him w so much awe. i ve no one to blame but myself for this disapointment. i get far too caught up in my own feelings, n xpressing my feelings to them that i dont allow them to b who they really r to me: human w shortcomings n imperfectns like me n evyone else in the world. so i will not berate nebody but myself for the consequences of my own actions. he did not do nething wrong. rite now i dont know wat to do, if i shud respond to stans email or wat to feel or wat to think. i jst know that he did nothing wrong n i shud not b bitter abt it. which im not..i guess im jst sad...sad at myself. hugs for u stan <3. evything is gna b ok.........pls take care. # [ posted @ 12:56:00 PM ] pv i hate myself...already 5am n i hvent done friggin nothin!..well i thought id update my usernames/paswords/info at all the stupid clubs/newsgroups/mailin lists/registries/cliques/rings/forums i joind since godknowswhen..i also wantd to update my email accnts (i hve a whoppin 7 of em..not bcos i ve sooooo many friends - coz i dont n in fact, nobody emails me but em nasty spammers - but rather i nd em for all the mailing lists im currently subscribin to)..well i had no idea itd take this long, cpl hrs!..so now tis 5 n i, once again, did not do ne job apps nor get ne of my books wrappd as i intended to do tonite..blah. i hate myself. i hate bein a procrastinator. i hate me.... tomorws tues, ugh..work till 7...i m gettin so irate at my job..i fig i realy need to get a new one b4 i go nuts n i turn on the kids. which wont b good. sigh...i gta get to bed asap b4 mom catches me on the pc.... how uneventful today was. im so fuckin unproductive....i disgust myself sometimes. shit, i need to pee but i dont wana coz mom mite hear me walkin abt outside..she has evy reason to b upset at me bein up this late btw, coz at nite im cranky n lose my temper..then i tell her im tired n sleepy n i slam the door shut to my room n zzZz. like today, i kept yellin at her for tellin me to eat, walk jinn, feed her, etc ..she had no idea i was asleep of cos, she probly was tinkin im on the pc as i always am. sheesh im so unfair to her :( i dont like bein such a bitch to her..but whn im deprivd of sleep im a nasty piece of work n she jst caught me at a bad time today, thx to the cigs..i realy tink all that shit frm the cigs went to my brain causin major trauma in my head which led to the massively painful headbangs..which in turn led to me collapsin in bed. fuck. "then stop smoking!" veni said whn i told her abt it. watver. sigh. gta go to bed now..will try to wake up early tomorw to get some work done. # [ posted @ 9:35:00 AM ] pv i tink i oded on nicotine tonite...i was delirious, had horrible brain cramps, then promptly collapsd on a mountain of papers/files/clothes/cds on my bed....n woke up an hr n a half later...... # [ posted @ 8:41:00 AM ] pv oh, i think i knw, shd i b flatrd =P sabi ko na eh, type mo ko no hehehe Sender: Veni Sent: 20:17:13 17/02/2003 i nvr said tht u wernt... =p Recepient: Veni Sent: 22:58:51 17/02/2003 haha =P Sender: Veni CP Sent: 23:01:10 17/02/2003 LOL! hahha # Sunday, February 16 [ posted @ 9:07:00 PM ] pv i jst had an erotic dream abt veni....n this disturbs me...bcos it was fun. sheesh...wtf is wrong w me. hmm..in the dream we got er..pretty um, intimate. neway last nite i was pretty productive..burnd some files n rearrangd folders on my pc n stuff..bn meanin to do that since i got this shit piece of machine up n runnin in midjan...coz i know one of these days its jst gna crash again n ill lose all my stuff. so better to b safe than sorry...i flippd thru some personal stuff, like emails/poems to/from the exes...AS, tatto, roque, stan. whoa...that sounds like a lot of men for 3 mnths. in 3 mths i was dumpd in the gutter by 4 men. thats a pathetic, sad statistic. wat a loser i m....blahhhh..well i try not to tink abt it. yea rite. watever...one day at a time n i shud do fine. sigh. sheesh y did i ve to remind myself of that tragic fact..i feel like shit now. nehow, im gna go for a walk w jin then mebe cook some food for lunch..theres some stuff i wana get done today, like wrap my books, do some dusting n i def wana write up some job apps..need to wash my hair tonite as well. uknow smth, i m beginnin to get real fed up of work..thats not fair on the kids i spose, coz im not givin it my all n theyre not learnin wat they shud b...im a lousy teacher. i love my kids but m beginin to let my personal probs come in the way of things: my need to find a real job asap, issues over my bosses (racist shitheads), feelin angry n pressurd coz the parents want me to turn their kids into geniuses overnite, then theres the neverendin "wtf m i doin here teachin babies" question ringin in my head..i feel empty doin wat im doin so obviously smth mst b wrong. i never wantd to b a teacher even whn i was little. i never dreamd of it even tho moms bn a teacher for 20+ yrs....altho i helpd her out doin school relatd thingies for as long as i remm..the thought nev enterd my mind...i may ve idly replied taxi driver, police officer (well we used the word 'policewoman' then)..actor even...whenver someone askd me "oh n wat do u want to b whn u grow up?" ..ahhh those days whn we were little n dreamt big dreams, the ludicrous yet innnocent things thatd enter our minds hehe.. .well the more realistic goals i dreamd of thruout my adolescence whn i grew a brain i knew i cud nev possibly reach, coz i was either too stupid to take up the rite subjects in school, or too dumb to excel in those subjects. so voila here i m, in my mid 20s n totally nowhere near where i want to b in life. i try to tell myself tht its not too late to start all over..esp w my havin a new mindset, a better, healthier perspective on things...a fresher desire n newfound determinatn to actualy get to where i wanna b. well rite now its all on paper..i jst need to find ways to finance it. hehhe now thats the tuff bit of course...but thats ok, at least ive identified my objectives, my goals. no matter wat happs tho, one things for sure for now: my priority is jinn. im never gna leave her, or take care of her ne less than ive since we got her..so my plans for me will ve to wait for now...i do not intend to disappear on her. never...i cud nev do that. it was bad enuff i was away for a yr n she went nuts, n grew thin..psychologically she was sick. n well acc to mom she never recovrd till i came bk..poor thing :( i tink shes traumatized forever coz of the way she rams the door w her furry head to take a peep at me, every day/nite at least 5 times a day..the way she stares at me for a gd few mins until i tell her to shoo, coz her glare jst freaks me out, as if shes makin sure im here..or as if shes sayin "how cud u abandon me?" i hate whn she does that..makes me feel realy bad n sorry for her. but neway thats all in the past now n i dont even know y im talkin abt all this..well jst reminiscin, jst thinkin abt how much jinn means to me n how much i love her. n how that wont change jst coz i feel shitty abt myself n my life. well will change now n go for a walk w her..its chilly today so will make sure she wears her little doggie jacket. how cute. hehehh later # [ posted @ 8:40:00 PM ] pv Zazen practice is the direct expression of our true nature. Strictly speaking, for a human being, there is no other practice than this practice; there is no other way of life than this way of life. Shunryu Suzuki # [ posted @ 12:47:00 PM ] pv oh i wonder how stans annual ball went tonite. lookin fwd to hearin frm him...wonder if he ll write..hm. its abt 1pm in seattle..tink he shud b sleepin, gettin some r&r. ohwell..guess we ll jst hafta wait n c. # [ posted @ 12:46:00 PM ] pv sleepy. i was gna do job apps tonite but got carried away sortin out files on my pc.....ohwell theres always tomorw i gues. my lifes so disorganized...evythings so disorganizd..... nitenite. zzZzzzz # [ posted @ 12:23:00 PM ] pv this is for the like minded animal activists out there: Why Animal Liberation Activists Must Join the Peace Movement 10. Because war and animal exploitation are two expressions of the same cultural orientation toward domination rather than cooperation. 9. Because we believe that human and non-human animals deserve the same compassion and respect and therefore we must care about the human children who will be terrified, killed, injured, displaced, and orphaned by war. 8. Because peace activists are compassionate people who might over time be convinced to extend their compassion to non-human animals. 7. Because wartime constraints on civil liberties have already and will continue to jeopardize our ability to advocate for animals. 6. Because, if we ever wish to gain the support of a critical mass of people, the animal liberation movement cannot afford to remain estranged from social justice movements. 5. Because the United States military practices vivisection on a massive scale, testing conventional, chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons on animals. 4. Because military attacks on urban spaces terrify, kill, injure, displace, and bereave companion animals. 3. Because military attacks on rural locations terrify, kill, and bereave farmed animals. 2. Because bombs and biological weapons destroy habitats and poison the environment upon which all animals depend for sustenance. 1. Because bullets, bombs, and biological weapons don¹t distinguish between human and non-human animals. the impact of war on animals Animal victims of the 1991 gulf war Environmental impact of 1991 gulf war animal victimes of US military wargames: here n here weapons testing on animals: here, here helpful tips for animal liberation activists working within the peace movement: DO mention non-human animals when discussing the innocents who will be hurt in the course of warfare. DON¹T forget to include humans when discussing the innocents who will be hurt in the course of warfare. DO make yourself useful so that you will eventually be regarded as a trusted ally. DON¹T try to introduce your agenda to an organization until you have won that trust. DO refer to your own veganism as an expression of peace. DON¹T expect people to immediately see the connection and change their diets overnight. DO understand that working in coalition means you will not agree on every point. DON¹T even try to do this if you are currently so (justifiably) angry at people that you cannot work with those who do not share your views. DO remember that change is a process and that other animal advocates are with you in spirit even when you feel very alone. DO what you can and trust that others are doing the same. Top five reasons for animal activists to oppose the Bush regime 1. Because the Bush regime considers animal liberation activists to be terrorists. 2. Because the Bush regime strongly supports biotechnology, including genetic engineering of farmed animals. 3. Because the Bush regime strongly supports the pharmaceutical, biochemical, and agribusiness corporations that exploit animals for profit. 4. Because the Bush regime strongly supports factory farming and is working hard to force U.S. meat and dairy products into foreign markets. 5. Because the foreign policy of the Bush regime, which includes preemptive strikes on other countries and possible tactical use of nuclear weapons, threatens to plunge the world into a world war that will bring unspeakable suffering to countless human and non-human animals. prepared by pattrice le-muire jones of Eastern Shore Chicken Sanctuary..feel free to crosspost/fwd but pls give credit where its due # [ posted @ 8:40:00 AM ] pv Never Too Far Away -Mariah Carey You're with me, till the bitter end. What we had transcends, This experience. Too painful to talk about, so I'll hold it in, Till my heart can mend, And be brave enough to love again. A place in time, Still belongs to us. Stays preserved in my mind. In the memories there is solace. Oh, never too far away. I won't let time erase, One bit of yesterday, Cause I have learned that, Nobody can take your place. Though we can never be, I'll keep you close to me, When I remember... Glittering lights, Incandescent eyes. Still preserved, In my mind. In the memories I'll find solace. Oh, never too far away. I won't let time erase, One bit of yesterday. And I have learned that, Nobody can take your place. Though we can never be, I'll keep you close to me, And I'll remember... A place in time, Still belongs to us. Stays preserved in my mind. In the memories there is solace. Never too far away I won't let time erase One bit of yesterday Cause I have learned that Nobody can take your place And though we can never be I'll always think of you and me Always remember... Love You're never too far. # [ posted @ 1:40:00 AM ] pv wat a coincidence. i speak w tatto after many mths of deliberate avoidance. after many wks of not emailing/calling him. after many more wks of not hearing from him. after many many many more faild attempts of forcin myself to forget he ever existd. forget that we were ever together. constantly i wud keep my mind bz, jst to prevent an empty thought from creeping in, coz then id tink of him rite away. so my mind is always on the move: thinkin of evythin but him/us. somtimes i succeed in blockin myself from acknowldging his existence. by simply ignoring his presence. by tellin myself that he nev existd. whn that fails, i lie to myself n talk myself into believin that he was a vile, despicable, repugnant person not worthy of my attention or thought. it worked. evy minor character flaw of his id magnify 1million-fold jst to achieve that effect. evy imperfectn of his id constantly bring to my attn, to remind myself of his unworthiness. sorry, i know this is evil of me. i know this is unfair, n wrong. but i loved him so much it was downrite impossible to walk away just like that. it jst wasnt possible..i needed him too damn much. he was my life, the air that i breathed, the reason y my heart kept beatin. this morning we spoke on the fone. we r so not over each other. it was the old tatto all over again: perfect. my sweet baby i fell in love with. it was him all over again...his voice. there was smth abt his voice which made me want to run over there n embrace him tightly n not let go..whn he said softly, "say my name". i said his name..knowing all well i was still in love w him. i said his name, quikly n without an air of seroiusness, bcos i was afraid..afraid of fallin in love w him all over again. then he kissed me. n then i started to shed tears.... after a moment of silence on his part, weeping on mine..he askd in that voice so familiar to my ears, "are u alright?"..."yea" i answerd w hesitatn, voice brimmin w emotion. it was him. my tatto. the tatto i loved so dearly. the tatto i tried to kill myself over. the tatto i still love. i calld him my baby. he responded with open arms.... quietly but comfortably n w so much ease n familiarity, we fell asleep together....us both clutching our cells...his sweet n calmin breaths i heard on the line..i listend w so much intent n love. whispering into his ear that i loved him still, that i wud never forget him, n that id always b here waitin for him, i said "i love u baby". half-hoping he was fast asleep to not ve heard a single word i jst said..yet also halfhoping at the same time that he knew already how i felt.... n w/that prayer...i put down the fone, n joined him in sleep, meeting in our dreams.... # [ posted @ 1:04:00 AM ] pv hm it hurts rite now. im hurting rite now. cant type..cant think....why is there this stinging, sharp pain in my head? i feel like a clogged sink...a blockd toilet. numb w numbness..yet aching, coz im alive..n i still feel. y did i feel the need to put AS' ring on my finger cpl wks ago? n y did i feel the need to not take it off for many wks until jst now, even whn im in the shower or sleepin? y did i remove it to give it bk to him cpl mins ago..only for him to tell me that i shud keep it, n only for me to put it bl on my left ring finger? it was unconscious, i swear to god. i just removd it as i typd this. this isnt rite..i cant wear his ring. we re over...we re history. we arent gettin bk together again...hes leavin hk for good. our 5 yrs together of love, support, companionship, kinship, soulmate-ship, devotion, fidelity - plannin our future together, the wedding details, baby names, where to live n retire, where to travel, wat we d achieve together, the many dreams n hopes n aspirations we conjured together, as we laid in bed together in each others arms, breathin each others breath..protectin n coverin each other..legs entwined, arms drapd around each other - has come to an adrupt n unxpectd end....he will move on. i will move on. i never thought itd b this way. i was nev prepard for this....i was never ready for him to not b there for me..hes always bn there for me, his support n friendship have nev wavered even in the final days of our bein together. he always loved me. he never not loved me..n now hes gone. will this b the biggest mistake of my life? did i make the rite decision? m i gna b ok? many months or yrs from now, will i look bk on today n regret i ever let him go? did i jst let a good, decent man go? did i jst let the man im meant to b with, go? # |
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