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Saturday, February 1 [ posted @ 12:37:00 PM ] pv blah blogger is fuckin up so im not gna post n go zZzz instead..its 5am n im goin to the monastery tomorw at 10...will b an awesome experience methinks. # [ posted @ 2:19:00 AM ] pv i m buggered..mom is annoyin me n my stupid outlook wont work still...n it seems ive lost all the contact info in my addie book. holyshit, motha of god...this cannot be. i got no backup. sigh :( ive also lost all emails sent to me in the past fuckin month..damn. there goes all my xmas mail :( well i wonder if neone bothrd to email me at xmas actually....well seein how friendless i am, probly nobody neway. i m feelin a lot of self loath rite now, n it baffles me how i got this way whn my day was goin so good up till jst abt an hr ago. i think i will leave my pc alone n reed the paper to cool off a bit. im also hungry but i dont wana eat coz im fat n big. bleughhhhhhhhhhhh # [ posted @ 12:51:00 AM ] pv mom askd me abt stan again...blah..i hate it whn she asks abt my guy friends coz it makes me feel like a total loser, i feel shes sympathizin w her ugly fat daughter..as if shes tryin to show her support, like my unofficial cheerleader goin "ra ra!!" coz she knows nobody wants me...so i mumbld some shit "hes bz, he doenst call he writes rarely, i dont care" n i stomp off...not angrily mind u, but visibly irritated...i know she jst wants to b involvd in my life n i want her to, but ive told her many times already tht the thingy i hve with stan is non existent, nada, zero yet she still insists of quizzin me abt him.."oh ull never know this mite dev into smth nice" she said once..hello?? of course i know she doenst mean this, shes jst tryin to b optimistic for me coz she knows ive had a stringggggg of failed rels bhind me..her daughter - the unwanted one. poor me. ugh...frankly speakin i dont feel so sorry for me as she does, its only whn she asks me abt stan or roque or my other ex AS that i feel unlovable/ugly/useless...i dont need remidin thank u v much, i m fine the way i m..n neway y wud i want to b w someone who doesnt wana b w me? whn i was out w stan she kept buggin me to make him cover over to meet the fam n i kept tellin her noooooo wtf is up w that, its not like we re fuckin bethrothed, we re jst goin out coz we like each other, the end...heavens, can u imagin wat wouldve happ if i even breachd the topic w stan, he d b outta there in a jiffy...thinkin to himself "wat a looney this girl is, n wat a dysfunctional family she has" omg. no fuckin way pianca rang cpl mins bk n im goin to her place for dinn on tues...blah. i m in a wreck, wat on earth do i take w me? ive nev gone on one of these chinese dinner things n i ve this fear tht i m gna embarrass myself one way or the other..ugh. so her hubby is gna b there, godknows who else...i like her lots n i love her kid but umm dinn is a bit formal to my liking n i just suck big time at formalities n etiquettte n shit...she said she has "a friend" she wud like me to meet, aiya i hope shes not plannin on playin matchmaker...she does know abt my dismal record in the lovelife dept so i hope she doenst do nethin silly, for this "friend's" sake. egads. i gta go for a walk w my baby...i like how my days gone so far, nice n slow n ez..if only life can b like this evyday...... # Friday, January 31 [ posted @ 10:47:00 PM ] pv onto nother list of qstns abt urs truly...boy we nev get sick of these things do we hehhe B A S I C Q U E S T I O N S . . . [my name is]: r.r.r. [in the morning i am]: i always get up after noon, unles i ve work [all i need is]: inner peace, fulfilment [love is]: the greatest most powerful thing in the world..love moves ppl, moves mountains n the seas..its the purpose of life..life = love [if i could see one person right now]: stan. or tatto.... [im afraid of]: regrettin the decisions ive made....i also fear disappointin my fam..not bein who i can b coz of procrastinatn, laziness [i dream about]: bein happy...a lot H A V E Y O U E V E R . . . [pictured your crush naked?]: of course [actually seen ur crush naked]: hmmm..*thinking*..no, i dont tink so [been in love]: of course [cried when someone died]: yea [drank alcohol]: duh [lied]: yes but not often OPPOSITE SEX . . . [scruff or clean shaven]: either is fine [tall or short]: either..but tall wud b a + [what do u notice first?]: physique, hair, face, how he talks/wat he talks abt n how he carries himself [last person u slow danced with]: roque [worst question to ask]: cant think of ne..none actually. im up for nethin n neway some conversatn is always better than nothin W H O . . . [makes u laugh the most?]: veni, tom [makes you smile]: jinn, babies/kids in the street [gives u a funny feeling when u see them]: nobody i guess, now tht stans gone [has a crush on u?]: nobody sheeesh [easier to talk to: boys or girls ?]: dpends, i dont tink genders got nethin to do w it...past yr till now i ve to say guys tho...notwithstandin veni of cos D O Y O U E V E R . . . [sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. u?]: no...usd to tho [save aol/aim conversations]: used to [wish u were a member of the opposite sex]: whn i was little, not nemore..boys suck =P [cried because someone said something to u]: of course H A V E Y O U E V E R . . . [been cheated on]: yea [done something u regret]: ditto as abv. W H O W A S T H E L A S T P E R S O N . . . [u talked to]: in person my lil bro, on fone veni [hugged]: one of my kiddos in class, ho man, on tues [u instant messaged]: whoa long time...tatto bk in december [u laughed with]: the one n only..veni H A V E Y O U / / D O Y O U / / A R E Y O U . . . [smoke]: uhuh [obsessive]: im obsessive compulsive sometimes [could u live without the computer?]: no [how many peeps are on ur buddylist?]: i dont hve icq/yahoo msnger/msn msnger at the mo..but not more than 5 on icq (4 of whom i nev chat w neway)...2 on yahoo (veni n tatto)..n ive nev d/l-ded msn but i mite since stans there..but we will c...sometimes chat can ruin evything [what's your favorite food?]: mushrooms, tofu, peanut butter+jam, green thai curry [whats ur favorite fruit?]: pomelo, mandarins, santol [drink alcohol?] : i love alcohol [like watching sunrises or sunset]: yea..sorta puts things in perspective...how small i m in this universe n how trivial my probs r [what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain? of course emotional..always always always [trust others way too easily?]: i wud tink so, yes F I N A L Q U E S T I O N S . . . [i want]: to appreciate life/bein alive...i want a directn in life..i wana not b so disillusned/disappointd all the time..oh i want a decent job too hehehh [i wish]: i laughd at myself more, wish i was more laid bk abt stuff..i also wish ppl were more aware of the sufferin we cause animals, n eat less meat..hm i wish i had more money [i love]: only when im in love, or rather whn someone is in love with me [i miss]: huggin..rite now i miss stan...his warmth, his voice...miss bein w someone who feels the same way abt me as i do abt them [i fear]: choices..havin to make decisns [i hear]: me talkin to myself all the time..make those voices stoppp [i wonder]: where ill b the nex cpl of mths..i need to find a job, move out, find a place..godwilling :( [how do u know its love?]: whn u cant get em outta ur mind/ur thoughts..whn u find urself countin the hrs n mins till ure with them again..whn u want to give, give n give n xpct nothin in return..whn they r sleepin n u look at their sweet faces n tht brings out an instant smile in u..a sense of complete serenity, peace..u feel blessed coz u have em [WHAT's YOUR IDEAL GUY/GIRL?]: has a sense of compassn, a great conversationalist...well learned..sensitive n loyal...mstnt b afraid of showin/receivin affection..someone who can control my obsessiveness/paranoia..someone who brings out the best in me..someone i can nurture n bring out the best in as well [WHO'S YOUR BF/GF?]: nobody wants me :( [HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN TOGETHER?]: blah [WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT THEM?]: blah [WHO'S YOUR FIRST KISS?]: kitty my poottycat [WHO'S YOUR FIRST LOVE?]: was pretty serious we were together for more thn 5 yrs I NEED? a new perspective on life I FIND? hardship n self doubt left rite n center I WANT? to b excittd more..i wana feel great that im here on this earth I HAVE? a lot in life to b grateful for..so y m i not happy? I WISH? life dint hve to b so hard..i wish i dint feel so much/intensely abt things I LOVE? jinn. i love love. i love bein loved I HATE? bein restless..i hate wantin to do somthin soo bad but i cant..i hate bein broke...i hate when i feel ugly n fat I MISS? havin the innocense/exhiliratn yng ppl have...to look at things/situatns simply n dealin w them w o hassle..now theres a lot of feelins involvd in the decisions we make, stuff we do..fucks us up big time I FEAR? dying on my deathbed n wishin id accomplishd more in life I FEEL? sad now, as i tink of my many failures I HEAR? nothing..its quiet here now I SMELL? the stale air in my rm..its freezin cold so i closd all the windows last nite I CRAVE? to b loved? I SEARCH? for myself all the time...still hvent found wat im lookin for I WONDER? wat life has in store for me WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU . . . SMILED? last nite whn i was chattin w tom LAUGHED? on the fone w veni whn she called CRIED? sunday, in the tub BOUGHT SOMETHING? hmm thursday, whn i bought perfume for pianca..oh the packet of crisps from 7 11 aftewards DANCED? w stan 2 wks ago, in dusk til dawn WERE SARCASTIC? i try not to b sarcastic..i hate tht in me KISSED SOMEONE? oh boy..stan TALKED TO AN EX? last monday...but today i jst smsed him abt lunch we re havin the day after WATCHED YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? dont watch many movies HAD A NIGHTMARE? dont remm LAST BOOK YOU READ? still readin a cpl, last bk i pickd up was kurts journal tho LAST MOVIE YOU SAW? infernal affairs w stan, on tues 7th jan in times square in c'way bay, at 22:05pm LAST SONG YOU HEARD? dont remm..tink 'how u remind me' - nickelback, or 'why' - avril LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK? had to drink? well i drank h2o last...last nite LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED? yest DO YOU . . . DO DRUGS? no n i will never, i hope HAVE SEX? not on a casual basis SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS? yea...all frm my exes :| dont ve the heart to throw em away LIVE IN THE MOMENT? yes definitely HAD A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK? yea..i hve these deja vu incidents a lot..freaky PLAY AN INSTRUMENT? keyboards, the harp BELIEVE THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS? yea REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE? yes STILL LOVE THEM? love - yes, in love with - no READ THE NEWSPAPER? i try to evyday..i still ve bklogs of em dating k frm 2002 HAVE ANY GAY OR LESBIAN FRIENDS? yea..they r marvellous ppl i tell u BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? uhuh BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER? of course CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS? no..im demandin n expct a lot from others as well as myself CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE? never..if smth is heartfelt, no matter how long it lasts...it is never a mistake LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL? luv it..not all, jst some tho BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? i dont pay much attn but i reed somtimes BELIEVE IN GOD? of course GO TO CHURCH? sometimes HAVE ANY PETS? a baby girl, jinney TALK TO STRANGERS WHO IM YOU? as a gen rule, yes..but if they start the asl shit or talk dirty i ignore rite away HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? 4 for now HAVE ANY TATTOOS? 4 for now too HATE YOURSELF? always HAVE AN OBSESSION? yea ..obsessd w obsessn HAVE A CRUSH? i dunno wat its calld, the way i feel for stan rite now COLLECT ANYTHING? quotes, interestin articles, ar/al stuff HAVE A BEST FRIEND? yes WISH ON STARS? never did..but if i c a shootin star i ll wish for smth LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? somtimes HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? theres so many of em CARE ABOUT LOOKS? no..whn i love someone they r perfect BELIEVE IN WITCHES? yea BELIEVE IN SATAN? if u blieve in god, u gta blieve in the devil too BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? yes wahhh im hungry..gna go get smth to eat # [ posted @ 9:43:00 PM ] pv  What Pattern Are You? [ posted @ 9:19:00 PM ] pv actualy veni woke me up in a state of distress..hahaha c yest she was doin some shoppin n some guy came up to her n askd for her no...thing is she sees this guy evyday on her way home frm work n they xchange smiles n his n byes..bn a month or so...acc to veni he seemd nice enuff, young-ish n "innocent"..she knew it took him lotsa guts to come up to her then ask for her no. so she gave it to him..of cos tht was mistake #1 i told her, coz now shes given him the green light..i mean i said to her if hes nice n harmless (like not a druggie/playa/bum/freak/etc) then its nev a bad thing to ve one more friend in this world...but only whn the 'terms' of the friendship r agreed upon by both parties to bgin w - in this case, her havin a bf for 9 yrs n her intentn to keep it that way..n of cos, also the hard fact n rule tht there will b *no* chance of her bein more than jst a friend to him..well i tink she shudve laid down the rules to him b4 she gave him her no., leavin him the optn of whether he wants to persue a friend thing w her or not..but neway veni is far too nice/naive a girl to hurt someone even if its for their own gd..so voila she gave him her no well he rang today, she was still asleep like moi...n whn she told him abt havin a bf she broke his heart (duh)..i mean veni said he was tremblin whn they spoke on the street yest n by his own admissn, he does not pick up girls like this...neway veni feels pretty bad abt it n i told her well least u can do is b there for him whnever he wants u to, at least he knows now u ve a bf n there is no way u guys can go out as watevr his intentns were - but if he tries nethin then she shud scoot outta there asap coz tht makes him indecent...frm wat veni says he seems more lonely than nethin, friendless coz hes here alone w o his fam..so mebe if hes able to get over this crush thing over veni then i tink veni can handle bein his friend..but jst as a friend..well she is speakin on the fone w him as i write this, she cut on him to ring me whn he had an incomin call..aiya, so i told her the nice thing wud b to call him bk... today shud b nother relatively chilld out day...since we re not sposd to do ne cleanin of ne sort i tink will work on my pc as in sort out/del/create files n directories or watever..n i also gta ransak my addie book n note down ppls contact info/bdays..blah, boring shit but its gta b done..i alreadi missd dimps weddin anni on weds..yikes, n she did bring it up jst last wk too..felt like a dork whn she told me i weigd myself yest n i found out i put on cpl lbs..i was shocked to say the least coz i thought i was eatin less than b4..i was disappointd :( fuck im goin out w veni in less than a wk n i look like a wobbly blob..with huge purple zits on my face. yuck...ive been layin off the peanut butter+jam sarnies too, oh exc last nite..i jst had to have one, simply coz it was the last day of the yr oh yea last nite i had a dream abt eatin ice cream..i tink it was a mackers cone thing, i was out w my high school friends..kan dimp n sony, jst the four of us..we were goin to c'way bay n we were on the bus..eatin...n i felt so shit afterwards coz of the ice cream..im vegan in the dream too, tht was pretty cool haha..but i dunno, it was strange i dreamd abt ppl i hve so little contact w these days..or sad to say, i ve almost nothin to do w them these days coz theyre all marrid n stuff..in the dream we were yng, single, havin fun...haha we got off the bus but dimp got left bhind coz she dint c the 3 of us disembark...sony got pissd off at me coz i was the last one to get off the bus n i dint tell dimp..n im like "well i thught she was right bhind me" well twas jst a dumb dream... im gna feed my baby..then mebe drink some soy milk myself later # [ posted @ 8:40:00 PM ] pv cute =) i jst got up cpl mins ago n first thing i c in my mailbox: email from stan so endearingly cute..hehehhhe [edited - i del his email..gulp, i shudntve postd it in the first place] # [ posted @ 12:54:00 PM ] pv woohoooo..i m happy..i was productive tonite n got q a lot of things done...altho its 5 in the mornin as we speak im still feelin energized..my bk hurts like shit but no biggy, im gna get to bed now coz my minds at relative peace wantd to beat the clock so did a lot of cleanin b4 midnite struck..uknow wat they say abt the new yr n not cleanin/not disposin of nethin coz its bad luck..im not tht superstitious by nature but the way i c it, i ve nothin to lose by adherin so y not...so i cleand my rm, threw away more stuff n organizd some more stuff...i still got loads of things to take care off but at least theyre in one place now..i put em in this huge carton box..hmm also washd my hair tonite, changd my sheets, vacuumd, dusted, wiped...n finally i sent ppl emails wishin em a happy yr of the goat..in fact i jst got done n im pleasd as fuck coz my scanner works yessss..so i was able to scan a pic to go along w my cny greetin tomorw i shudnt b doin ne cleanin acc to traditn so probly ill b sittin here on my pc doin work relatd stuff...i dunno mebe search for jobs, or work on my hp...i was also tinkin of updatin my n tatto's hp..mebe ill get bk to it nex wk, not tomorw for sure...i want tomorw to b hassle/stress free...mebe do some readin, wrap my books, org files on this pc nuff rambling..im off to Zzzz now..happy new yr guys # [ posted @ 8:34:00 AM ] pv kung hei fat choy..good health, prosperity n happiness to one n all in the yr of the ram # [ posted @ 1:12:00 AM ] pv for me: read this tonite # Thursday, January 30 [ posted @ 11:40:00 PM ] pv jst for fun, engrish.com # [ posted @ 11:35:00 PM ] pv i wana change my blog template some time wishful thinkin i know # [ posted @ 11:28:00 PM ] pv tom is sick :( was sweet of him to chat w me n say hi...he is awesome, tis nice to have a neutral friend u can say watever u want to, b urself w...odd how we startd off as nothin special, like we d bump into each other cpl times a month - yes month..sometimes we d chat once evy few days..dpendin on me n my situatn/state of mind of cos...whn i disappeard for 3, 4 mths last yr i never bothered, we hadnt xchangd email addies by then..then whn i came bk there he was n we d b chattin away like nothin happ..n now we r pretty tight which is quite nice, knowin i can always rely on him to b there for me, no matter wats goin on in my life..he listens, gives me advice, makes me laugh, n whn need b he makes me forget my probs...its all good You say to Guest:jm: eat drink n b merry n all the yrs best to u You say to Guest:jm: i will b ard as usual Guest:jm to kiara: but kung hei fat choy to you too You say to Guest:jm: thank u You say to Guest:jm: prosperity n peace n gd health to u n ur lovd ones u r way cool tom =) realy hope u get better soon hmm so i woke up at almost 2 today..man tht is really bad..in a cpl mins im gna go out w jinn..i m feelin q gd rite now..tink i will clean my rm today..b productive, get some serious work done...last nite i did some dustin, today i wana change my bedsheets n chuck away some stuff like old newspapers, scrap pieces of paper lyin ard in my rm...i nd to wash my hair today as well umm im hungry tho..but will wait till after i go out w jinn jettin for now, blog later # [ posted @ 1:04:00 PM ] pv well i jst got done writin to that sweetie stan...i did not plan on bein so perky but whn i re-red my mail - by george - i sound happy as fuck! amazin wat bein in love does to u..well he does not need to know i guess...we re keepin in touch which is gd nuff for me..i ve his friendship n tht is cool...well some days i miss him n go sad..but wat can i do..i jst know tht proclaimin my undyin desire for him will make him run to the hills..so im playin it cool, playin it safe..he does not like clingy, paranoid girls i tink. hes a grown man...bn on his own a looong time, traveld evywhere..he does need a whiney mommy on his case all the time so tonite was a gd nite..i chilld, fell asleep while readin the paper, then went for a walk w my baby...speakin of which, i went to the spca today to pick up her tabs...also booked her in for nex tues for her accupuncture session..altho the hols run till monday only, i start work on thurs coz my bosses consultd a fung shui xpert person n he said not to open the place till then..so its gna b a relatively ez wk for me...i m sorta pleasd w that, i tink i need this break to tink abt a lot of stuff..mainly wat to do w my life in the nex 6 mths..got major decisns to make n times a tickin...do i find a job, ne job or wait for smth i really want? or do i flee to china to start all over, to figure my life n myself out?...ideally i wana go for optn #3 but i wonder if thts sensible of me, given the parental factor...i dont want em to tink tht im runnin away frm em..but i know tht they will....but how do i xplain to em tht i jst want some time alone, to figure out my needs, my capabilities, my direction in life? i have to do this...i have to b alone, get thrown off the deep end of the pool, head first... uknow i was speakin to one of my kids parents - her dad actually..my gosh, he spoke fluent engl even better than mine..n im like "wtf is he bringin his kid here for?"..we talkd for a long time n at the bk of my mind im perplexd as to y so many hk parents xpect so much frm their kids..i know they want the best for em, but like nicolas dad he was like "her teacher says shes a great girl, she understands evything .. but shes not xpressive enuff, not jst in engl but in chinese too..we want her to talk more"..now nicola is farrrr more clever than the ave 3 n a half yr old, n i told her dad so..yet he was still "but we re concernd somethin is wrong...like we want her to try out new things, we want her to b curious" blah..her dad was really nice..but i cant help but wonder if hes placin too much pressure on the poor girl, for heavens sake shes only 3! n she goes to one of the most prestigious schools in hk!..i said to him "umm phaps shes jst developin her own personality..i guess some kids r more lively than others...others more subdued..n theres nothin wrong w that"...he said she takes drawin classes n piano classes as well, in an effort to xpose nicola to other kids/ppl, so she can interact w em more..hmm very nice guy tho, american chinese..good lookin...i cudnt stop tinkin of stan the whole time heh oh whn i was walkin w jinn tonite some weirdo crept up to me n said "boo"..im like wtf......watafreak. tomorws the start of the cny hols...so far ive got a lunch, visit to the monastery, n cny dinn planned....the lunch is w an ex who is leavin hk for gd..shud take place on sat.....the visit to the monastery is w stephen, my ardent buddhist middle aged friend...on sunday altho hes yet to ring me bk to confirm the time...the dinn is w pianca, my boss at work who is leavin :( ..on mon or tues nite?...she was the one we had the lunch for on tues which i missd coz i dint wake up on time...well today was her last day n i got her a perfume as a goin away pressie..i will really miss her...we re more like friends..i love her kid jay, she seems to ve a certain fondness for me too n pianca said whn theyre bk frm their china trip i can start goin over to their place to muck ard w jay...hehe shes really sweet, like the ynger sis i lways wantd n never had... oh yea thx to dimp for the perfume idea..i tink it is nice tht we r talkin to each other more, n sharin stuff..gives me a laugh, talkin abt how screw-ey men can b sometimes..but in the end we love them dont we...them n their little eccentricities to end this entry i will say one more ting: fuck u tatto n ur money driven ways. i fell in love with u...n admired n respectd n lookd up to u...but now i dont know who u r nemore....i jst hope u never look bk on this day n hate urself for havin sold ur heart n soul to the devil...i dont tink thtd b ez to live with last but not least, click here n here please off to bed..tonite i will pamper my poor eyes n lather em w some much needed nite eye cream # [ posted @ 7:13:00 AM ] pv i just woke up..nice sleep but im cranky now # [ posted @ 4:15:00 AM ] pv tonite oh craig davids on tv...oh hes so smoooooth. he reminds me of ice cream. slurrrrp...yum tasty. corrrr yummm u so smooth baby! hehehe speakin of ice cream i was cravin chocs sooo bad today..whn i was in the supermart i lookd at some chocs, none were vegan of cos...sigh. last soy choc i had was 6 or 7 mths ago whn tatto gave me a cpl of bars..yumm. i miss mackers sundaes too...but im happy to go vegan, no complaints n i doubt ill ever go bk to a meat eatin lifestyle again. im pretty disgustd by the thought of meat..raw or cookd or otherwise...i c meat as dead animals, nothin else. i m gna go eat some junk food now. whn i dint get my beloved choc bar i went to 7 11 to get my fave crisps instead..ohwell i know im spposd to b on a diet but tis nye tomorw gimme a break.... later # [ posted @ 3:50:00 AM ] pv oh look im an evil bitch incapable of being saved.  You are maroon. You represent cunning stength, but usually a manipulative power evolves from it. You are vengeful and impure, and have nearly lost all hope at become beautiful inside again. What inner color are you? # [ posted @ 3:46:00 AM ] pv im beeped. so tired...buggerd n tired n exhausted...m eatin as we speak, my first meal of the day...christ im so hungry i cud eat a horse...i m so desperate to start writin again i went to the supermart after work to get the fat notebook which i use as my journal..fuck, it was out of stock..it was out of stuck last wk too.....fuck. was so fuckin tired today i still went the xtra mile to get it..damn damn damnn..i need to write :( ive bn scribblin on scrap pieces of paper the past 2 wks....i need to doodle n spew... will write later..my fingers eyes brain n evythin else r bleepin tired.....oh yea nother thing, stan jst wrote. if u can call it that..basicaly a quicky "hi ive bn bz at work how r u well write bk bye". -the end- im disappointed....... # Wednesday, January 29 [ posted @ 12:32:00 PM ] pv [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: honestly, i dont u can handle it alone be it movin out or goin somewhere foreign to work [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: u mean moneywise [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: dont tink [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: no no [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: not money [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: hmm im disp [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: nobody blieves in me [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: well money is one of thm if u wana shift out [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: but ths ok i guess..no one ever has ever [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: but if u go to china - e living standard is lower so u dnt need tt much money [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u need someone there to keep u on track, n bring u bk to reality [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: at a major crossroad in my life n nobody is there [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is not tt [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: there = for moral suport [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: like i say....take it one at a time [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: u know wat i told bro [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: uhuh [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: he wantd to help me out n stuff [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: uhuh. [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: n im like "uknow..i hve nothin, jst shreds of my self esteem left..n i tel u, whn u ve zero self esteem u ve nothin..u may as well b dead" [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: hmm [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: lets look at it objectively [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i can do w o money, w o friends, w o nebody..but i nd to fl ok abt myself, or at leas ve the vague hope tht my future mite not b completely shtty [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u wana shift out - yr no 1 priority rite? [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: k, i understand wat u want, even w/o friends, money n all [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i have to..for my folks sake [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: k, so tts yr priority [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: uknow ppl tink i m bein selfish not wantin to b w my folks [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: did u tell thm [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: but im left w no choice if ryan is gettin married [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: did u tell thm where u r comin frm [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i cant xpct em to support me [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i rather go at it alone..nobody to c [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: sigh [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u r still so stubborn [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: wat do u want me to do talk to em n tell em wat [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: its a pretty simple thingy, dont look at it too complicated [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: "i dont want to live w u coz i dont wan u to ve to keep supportin me"? [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: n y cant u tell thm tt, wif a softer tone [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: well mom heard me tell bro stuff [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: they r yr parents, [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: n the nex day she bloody bought the entire vegetable farm [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u repay thm, but treating yr self right [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: its not fully abt money [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: y do u tink is a bloody act [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: im not talkin abt money here [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: she cares [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: coz whn ppl treat me this way they give me more reason to feel shit abt myself [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: urgh [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i dont want circumstances to control me ever again..or kill me [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: there is nothin wrong in receiving kindness [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u repay thm when ever u can [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: nah i want to control my life, even if its shit [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: their actions is not to control or wanting to "kill" u [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: they care abt u [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: nah im not talkin abt folks ..but abt my situatn [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: no matter how u deny it, they r yr parents [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: its nothin to do w em [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: uhuh [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: its the situatn [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: k [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i cant b so complacent nemore [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: situations, the FACT is tt u cant afford to do anything [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: great..thx for makin me feel like a charity case [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: coz you do not hv a job [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is cold hard facts [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u r sitting on yr butt, n start to think too much [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: uknow...contrary to wht u blieve..money is not evythin [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: i dnt noe how u c me now [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i tink i m tryin to salvage my self worth [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: i do noe moeny is not everything [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is not abt self worth [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is abt reality in life [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is abt shapin yr future [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: n part of helpin myself is makin myself feel or belive tht i m not totally useless [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: to hv a future, uve got to do it right at the present moment [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: otherwise wat futre r u talkin abt [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: if i keep tellin myself wht u r tellin me now..then i will go into major dpressn [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i ve to ve hope..no matter how unrealistic [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: believin in yrself is gd [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: but it has to b realistic [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: n i know there r ppl out there who r shootin me down [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: this is abt self worth [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: simply, if e odds r against u, uve got to stand up n face e bullet [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: nobody is shooting u down [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: yea by changin my situatn..by not lettin the situatn kill me [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u r lookin [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: never mind [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: i give up [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u noe if u want ppl to understand u, pls understand thm first [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i thought u wantd me to tell u my thoughts [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: if u wana impose yr tots or yr conclusions on thm [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: yea.......i noe [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: instead u judge me..not only tht but u make me feel like a wortheless human bein [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: im not judgin u [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: im tellin u wat u shld b doin [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: yea u jst told me i cant do nethin..bloody failure [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: not tellin u, or rather try to make u see the other side of the coin [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: thx..i felt tht way for an entire yr already [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u r so ridiculous [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: n now im tryin to pick up the pieces..as i said i only ve shrds of self worth left [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: n whn u have no hope in the prsent theres only one thing tht can save u: hope in the future [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: for the future to happen, uve got to take actions in the present [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: even if its unrealistic, or hilariously unblievble, totoally stupid..at least it gives u hope [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: n u shld not impose wat u tink of thm as their tots [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i was not imposin..it was a stupid plan abt my stupid life [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: im not denyin u tt hope [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: for the entire year tt ive known u, you have never ever happen to tell me or share wif me anything tt u r happy or could be happy about [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is all abt the dark side of the world tt u live in [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: life is not tt bleak [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is how u make it, is how u want it happen [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is no point sittin there thinkin and conclude tts wat other ppl think abt u [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u r imposin yr tots on thm [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: wat they think mite not b wat u r thinkin [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: if yr mum buys u veg farm, coz she loves u, she still cares abt u [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: not becoz she sympathise wif u [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i had evythin taken away frm me ok [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: or she intends to make u feel guilty [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i nd to do smth for myself [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: even if i die tryin to achieve it [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: at least i did it for me [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: im not lookin 10, 20 yrs from now [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: may i b blunt [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: uve bn blunt enuf [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: k k [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: sorry [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: like u say [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: wrong time wrong plc [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: no mater how u hard u try to understand where im comin frm..u wont [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: coz u always had a way out [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: i make tt way out [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: yea how? [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: i dont wait for it to open e door by itself [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: yea well i dont buy my way out [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: great [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: is all abt money [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: tts how u c me now [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: not to me..thts the last thing on my mind [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: i noe, u r referin to me [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: no we re frm diff worlds [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: ur word..u can do tht..my world..i cant n i wont [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: word = world [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: there isnt ne diff btween yrs or my world [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: im talkin abt how to do things rite [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: how to set yr priorities rite [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: rite acc to who? sell my soul? [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: i rather die a heros death [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: than live a cowards life [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: sorry [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: i really dont understand you [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: uve had it all workd out for me [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: u r too extreme [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: me = you [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: everything in life there is a balance [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: blance tween wat [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: strike a blanace in yr tots, yr mind n yr soul n the ppl ard u, see both the gd n the bad [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: wif a balance in life, u will find serenity [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: y? jst so i can live in my little wonderland world? fool myself into thinkin tht yay life is beautiful? [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: thn u will realise tt life is not so harsh aft all [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: n wats wrong wif tt [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: well i intend to make my life beautiful w o cheatin myhself or others [Private] You say to Guest:toothpick: frankly i wudnt find serenity in fakeness or lies [private] Guest:toothpick speaks privately: nm fuck you. thers a reason y i dont wana talk to u uknow..thx for comin into MY rm n ruinin my day...u fuckin retard. i dint ask u to come talk to me..u shudntve bothered..i was doin fine w o ur ugly face. YOU come to MY room n YOU ask me to tell u wats on my mind n YOU fuckin do this to me..how dare u go mess up somebody elses life...godknows uve already destroyd my life..not to mention my fams....im tryin to pick up the pieces here n there u r, all ready to shoot me down..wat, jst coz YOU decided to b a fuckin coward n run away i shud do tht too? well i dont tink so, so FUCK YOU go ahead n live ur perfect life, u n ur filthy money....u can fool urself into tinkin tht ure this great man (puke) for choosin the path u did...but we all know tht u re a selfish bastard who jst buys his way out all the time. well either that or u get ur sugar daddy to buy it for u.....u arrogant sonofabitch........ure shallow n ure a sellout...u ve got NO integrity NO decency NO substance in u n certainly NO humanity. u shudve been born an amoeba. or an old shoe........u motherfucker. # [ posted @ 9:44:00 AM ] pv im an infp All Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics: Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom. Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic. Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials. Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders. Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self--always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials. Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers betrween people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things. Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds. Idealists are rare, making up no more than 8 to 10 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers. # [ posted @ 8:50:00 AM ] pv plugs worthy of note: a town without ramen, anti social recluse, tha sick place, ramblings of a melancholic, paul kohler.net, spiritual salvation, anonymity overload, just to say shes beautiful, sick mad world, the peking duck # [ posted @ 8:27:00 AM ] pv blogger was down for many hrs 2nite..was frustratin as hell...at first i thought it was jst my end, after i red this blog abt the chinese govt blockin off blogspot sites to the entire country! hows that for censorship?? unblievable.... i jst watchd boston public...i love david e kelley, hes a genius..the practice, picket fences, chicago hope n now this...da guys got talent...weds r relatively chilld, i only ve one class in the pm n at nite theres not much to watch on tv...gets kinda borin but i guess whn uve got internet access u can nev b that bored well i did get paid today n i got to njoy it in my hands for a whole 30mins b4 i had to dish it out for bills bills n more bills....that pinchd real bad, argh....its like u wait the entire month for it, slavin away..then bam, in a minute its gone..i paid 3 bills today: my land line, my cell bill n my pac.net bill...i had to pay for both my cell fones - that by itself was jst over $2.5k!..the internet thingy $400 n my land line, $1k...ive yet to pay the bank for my creditcard...n oh yea i still owe mom some money, n tomorw im off to the vets to pay for jinns meds, which shud amt to abt $600 at the minimum..umm wat else....tomorw ive also gta buy my boss smth coz its her last day, she n my other boss r separatin after a difficult cpl mnths filled w internal strife, bickerin, tears, lawyers, husbands....i will b sad when she goes, thts nother reason im so keen to quit, coz shes my only ally there n now i ve nobody :( im eatin better it seems, ive kept away frm my beloved peanut butter+jam sarnies...today i jst had one meal (tofu+bean sprouts) n im drinkin tons n tons of water..oh i did hve lotsa pistacchio (sp?) nuts, i love nuts.....i know nuts r bad for u but theyre a vital part in a vegans diet coz we dont get nuff protein as is... ive also lookd at all the job ad clippins i cut frm last wk n i realize i cant realy app for ne of em...i dont ve all the requirments they want n m freakd out to even try, coz i know they ll ve the time of their lives laughin when they c my pathetic cv...even worse, they ll ring up for an interv n ill end up totally humiliatin myself there on the spot..sigh...so its bk to square one..the hunt continues..... oh yea i passd by a computer arcade on the way hm after payin my bills n bought me a new mouse..then droppd by the cosmetics store for cleanser, i ran out this mornin...there r sooo many beautiful clothes out there on sale, jst in time for the new yr...i was so temptd but all i kept tinkin of was "need $$$ to move out, need $$$ to move out, need $$$ to move out"..voila, i made it....but not b4 i doled out for some buddhist food near my place, coz i was starvin like shit...i hadnt eaten all day i was also temptd to buy some smokes...ive bn eyein the brand stan smokes so i tink my craving is merely sentimental...theres still smth wrong w my throat, its bn worsenin gradually so i try to b good to it, like no gum no cold drinks...when stan was here we d puff like a cpl of chimneys..once he got these cuban cigars..not them fat ones but those slender ones...shit they rocked n there we were njoyin fine cigs over coffee (him) n tea (me), having greaaaaaaaat conversatn w lotsa laughs at felix in the pen...his sexy smile, his ruffled up hair...great music too, sexy r n b...this was the last time we were together, n we knew it b4 we met up...so we realy went off on a limb to spoil ourselves rotten...we walkd along the waterfront in tst, then headed off to the pen...i suggested chasers afterwards, where we had an awesome time..he kissd me many times from outta the blue, which was so cool...we were writin stuff to each other on my journal, it was so cute..his ramblins, his socalled poems, his dooling n drawings...we spent the nite n fell asleep together, woke up together...mannn wat bliss. whn we said gdbye in the mtr it was the saddest moment...i watchd him as he walkd into the train..the doors closed n i was still lookin at him.. he was lookin at me too...he let out a slight wave....there was a smile on his face..not so much a happy smile but a lingering smile that matchd his eyes, it was the perfect scene id like to remember him by...his beautiful face, his beautiful eyes, his beautiful smile..... that day as i went to work i was devastated..it sunk in n i cud not get him outta my mind.......i held bk from cryin but inside my heart was torn, it was crying.. the nex day when he left for seattle he smsed me the sweetest msg...i rang him n said gdbye.....n whn we headed off to the airport he smsed me again "smile sweetie im taking off now" he said....that minute whn i got his msg the world turned black. i ceased to exist.....my love had left. gone. no more...there was no one to hold my hand...embrace me....care for me..i miss evything abt him... whn we partd ways at the train statn i gave him a bk id bought, as well as one of my cds...got him a card, wrote some stuff down.....well while we re still in touch n stuf its obviously not the same....i wonder if he ll b bk, the last time he was here was summer of last yr which was a special case, coz he said somthin was up..normally he comes to town evy 3 or 4 yrs he said :( whn he called me i joked tht he shud come bk evy month to c me hehe ..jst lettin the msg thru to him that im interestd i guess. desperate me..but heck u gta fight for wat u want christ, i still hear his voice in my ears...it rings....no, it resounds actually.... cant wait to c him again. but lets not get overexcited abt this..im jst settin myself up for disapointment again, obviously. # Tuesday, January 28 [ posted @ 9:54:00 PM ] pv My Own Prison - creed A court is in session, a verdict is in No appeal on the docket today, just my own sin The walls are cold and pale...the cage made of steel Screams fill the room alone I drop and kneel Silence now the sound, my breath the only motion around Demons cluttering around, my face showing no emotion Shackled by my sentence expecting no return Here there is no penance..my skin begins to burn (chorus) So I held my head up high Hiding hate that burns inside Which only fuels the selfish pride We're all held captive out from the sun A sun that shines on only some We the meek are all in one I hear a thunder in the distance, see a vision of a cross I feel the pain that was given on that sad day of loss A lion roars in the darkness, only he holds the key A light to free me from my burden and grant me life eternally Should have been dead on a Sunday morning banging my head No time for mourning ain't got no time (chorus) I cry out to God seeking only his decision Gabriel stands and confirms I've created my own prison # [ posted @ 8:24:00 PM ] pv [ posted @ 8:21:00 PM ] pv stats time where my hits r comin from 1. Hong Kong 37.4 % 2. United States 26.2 % 3. Indonesia 9.0 % 4. Canada 4.0 % 5. Singapore 3.8 % 6. United Kingdom 2.7 % 7. Australia 2.5 % 8. China 2.0 % 9. Philippines 1.7 % 10. Netherlands 1.7 % Unknown 1.4 % The rest 7.6 % via which key words "cigarettes and alcohol poster" "phoenix bird tattos" "stories smth about the worst summer hol" (eh, wtf?? this isnt the first time) "maxim cigarettes" "depresssion stats" "devil tatto" "vegan cigarettes" "why cant i be happy" "alcohol and cigarettes" "sexy tank tops" "eminem fone covers" it confounds me how so many ppl cud misspell tattoo...i know that sounds idiotic comin frm the queen of misspellins but... # [ posted @ 8:10:00 PM ] pv there r days tht whn i look in the mirror i c a grotesque, ugly person. bouffant hair, fat faced, sunken eyes, patchy/dry/acne-filled skin.....today is one such day. ew. i look n feel like a wreck...my back n neck still hurt.... # [ posted @ 12:10:00 PM ] pv well i m gna go to bed..i m friggin tired n my neck is hurting :( n nobody to give me a massage......well i sent in ONE job app tonite which is pathetic but tis still beter than nothin no?..i also surfd thru a jobsite - i found smth im def applyin for but i gta write a stupid essay for that one..i mite look thru the classifieds rite now whn im in bed...n tomorw im gna b sendin in more apps now tht my cv is updated n i feel geared up n ready to go yawn. till tomorw...cheers # [ posted @ 11:51:00 AM ] pv this is amazin, they actualy got an asian version up! click here # [ posted @ 9:57:00 AM ] pv  Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz # [ posted @ 9:50:00 AM ] pv  who's your indie rock boyfriend? conor oberst (bright eyes): you and conor are moodily intense. go to a corner and cry together, pansies! brought to you by Quizilla who is conor oberst? # [ posted @ 9:32:00 AM ] pv i did not get my paychck today. # [ posted @ 8:56:00 AM ] pv well i was mighty pissd off whn i got home frm work, i had such a crappy day...i thought hey y not reed stans email since my days already goin so shit, it cudnt get ne worse.... sorry r, i have been extremely busy for the past several days and i dont want you to think that i am ignoring you. just want to let you know i have read your email and i will write you more later today. hugs. s so there u have it..so it wasnt tht bad..actualy its sorta sweet hehhe....readin it left me w a big smile on my face for some reason..i dont know y i mean it ws borin n neutral n xpressd not a hint of "i miss u" or even "hey i know u...we went out together holdin hands n cuddlin n makin out n all the other stuff whn i was in hk"..blah...i gues i jst really really like him..a hell lot...sigh. i feel sad now. coz i miss da guy.....:( but i shud probly refrain frm replyin coz tht makes me look too desp....damn..i hate these mind games........ # Monday, January 27 [ posted @ 10:30:00 PM ] pv hm i feel quite disturbed now # [ posted @ 10:30:00 PM ] pv i tink i wil stop bloggin for now..will spare u the inanities fuck im late for work. # [ posted @ 10:24:00 PM ] pv OF COURSE MY LIFE SUX, ITS SPPOSD TO SUCK...LIKE EVYTHIN ELSE IN N ABT MY LIFE SUCKS # [ posted @ 9:01:00 PM ] pv hmm theres an email from stan in my hotmail inbox...but y dont i wana read it? i mean i wana but at the same time im afraid to...n this fear far outweighs my desire to open it....er..phaps i dont wana b dsapointd, im xpectin him to ve written a half assed 1 or 2 liner or watever....i tink ill jst end up feelin detachd n distancd if thts the case..probly cut my losses n cut contact w him, n mourn n b dpressd abt him n me....blah. i stil cant help but tink tht if he were livin here we d b a pretty awesome cpl, but fuck circumstances n fuck this distance..we r nothin....n im angry, resentful n better abt this...i dont ask for much in life, fuck. for all u know we probly wudntve lastd more than jst a cpl of mths, but stilllllllllllll..i wudve bn happy for tht period of time (ok followd by sev wks of deathly dpressn but i tink i wudve handled it jst fine)..rite now i hate evything abt me n my life, my only pleasures in my pathetic meaningless life r jinn, gd food n writin..this sucks so bad. i love jinn n i wudnt give her up for the world but id like to b normal too n hve normal things to appreciate n b grateful for like a job (n a decent paychk evy mth), gd friends, a bf, a fuckin pc thats not a crap piece of machine, fun get togethers w ppl i like, shoppin money..damn. tht sounds like a lot of things. last nite tom told me he bought these 2.5k speakers for his pc...2.5k for bloody pc speakers!! n he bought a new pc cpl wks ago....damn. i havent spoild myself in a realy long time..well i dont need or want material things i guess, jst some peace of mind n a sense of contentment n fulfilment... on the bk of my head i know one day this shit pc will die on me again, bro did warn me the other day tht i shud get a new one...but im jst so SICK of this pc tht, unrealisticaly, ive bn deliberatly avoidin tinkin abt it...i can stil go online n do word stuff but thts abt it..i cant run NOTHIN off this evil thing..outlook, kazaa, icq, msn/yahoo msgner..nothing. just friggin word. this sucks cock big time..pardon the xpressn but jst writin abt how fuckd up my pc is is gettin to my skin..sigh, dammit dammit dammit i want nother tattoo on my bk, ive even thought abt the dsign...wel we will c wat happs..i def wna get my ears piercd still..n get nother small tattoo on my wrist as well..i tink the bk can wait...i m playin w the idea of piercin my belly button too but im a bit of a gutless chiken (if pain wasnt a factor id go for below my lower lip)...this is not good, all this talk abt pain is gettin me xcited. speakin of which..stan once told me "u like to b in pain, dont u? u actualy want n desire pain" to which i responded "who the hell wud choose to b in phy or emotional pain??" but deep down i knew he was rite, i do get a thrill frm bein in pain, but only phy pain..i tink i told him afterwards tht i like phy pain but only coz it takes away my mental pain/anguish..phy pain is always more desirable than mental pain, imho..so gimme blood, cuts, burns over inner disarray netime...i also kinda appreciate the beauty of self injury, theres smth to b amazed by...self mutilatn, self administered pain..its goin byond wats acceptable in testin jst how fragile ur life is, its seein the blood or burn marks on urself..a self validatn of sorts that u r alive..sometimes u need to c that...esp when ure dpressd n u cant feel no more, whn the pain n hurt n anger ve numbd n all u r is a walkin zombie..u need to b reminded tht u r not dead, coz if not then i guarantee ure gna kill urself one day, whn uve reachd the point of no return..ive jst been there once n i swear nothin wudve saved me at tht point...i dint c, feel, hear nethin...i felt shrouded by a dark thick blanket all the time, it was suffocatin me..i cudnt live nemore, i saw nothin but blkness n stillness ard me..the worst part tho is feelin dead, havin no sense of feelin watsoever...not even hurt n pain n angst..its walkin the streets like ure fuckin high n bumpin into ppl..n u keep walkin..head down lookin at the ground or ur feet..its sittin in an immobile positn for hours on end from dusk till dawn...the only time u get snappd out of ur trance is whn for a moment, u feel the pain rippin thru ur heart n down to ur legs b4 shootin up to ur brain in a great rush, at full speed...harpoonin it b4 it self implodes n u feel the massive trauma in ur head..at tht point u fly into a rage, n do somth stupid like scream or break or thrash smth..after tht release u sorta fizzle into a tickin timebomb again n ure bk to ur zombie state..feelin nothin, thinkin nothin..jst complete nothingness. "u bleed just to know ure alive" ~ iris, googoo dolls # [ posted @ 8:18:00 PM ] pv fuck. i just woke up.....my boss rang actualy, fuck fuck fuck........i missd the lunch thing....damn. i feel i let down one of my friends who works there, she is leavin the co this week :( which is y we re havin the lunch thing to bgin w...y dint my fuckin alarm clock ring..i set both my cell n my clock to ring.......shit. i feel like rotten eggs.....i tink i will get her a soppy card n apologize profusely :( sigh. # [ posted @ 12:20:00 PM ] pv i feel quite worthles as we speak...was goin thru ppls blogs tonite n i feel ive accomplishd nothin in all of my 20-watever yrs..livd so long n got zero to show for it..dang it my folks did not put me thru 20 yrs of school for nothin...i feel like such a failure...uknow i can tolerate somewat bein a nobody to myself but to the ppl ard me its diffrent..esp my fam who raisd me gd, gave me wat i needed..or wat they thought i needed..theyre gd folks..n look at me, some stupid dumbass who does jak all day whn i fought w my bro yest it was over this whole shit actualy.."do u know how it fuckin feels like to ve no money to pay for vet bills?" i yelld at him, thru gaspin sobs..."to ve mom n dad support u coz u dont gta job, coz ure up to ur nek in friggin credit card bils n u cant do nothin abt it??" i continued..obvious to the fact tht i was screamin at him for my failures n he was jst my punchin bag, unfortunately he was at the wrong place at the wrong time...."uknow it SUCKS bigtime to not ve a decent job, to strugle evyday n live frm paychk to paychk evy month...then there r fuckin fonebills, transportatn costs, food costs n all that shit to deal w too..not to mentn the fuckin uni loan from 10 yrs ago im still tryin to pay bk" i kept goin...poor guy..i dint realize it thn but in reminisce i was horrid..plain horrid..."go away i dont want ur fuckin money..i m not some stupid charity case, dont fuckin throw ur dirty money at me" i even remm sayin whn he offrd to help....sigh..theres more "y dont u go bk to ur perfect domestic life..u dont give a shit abt us neway, u dont care..u never cared"..it was so bad i swear, mom was listenin in whn i slammd the door at her face "shut up this is none of ur bzness" i screamd..of course unintentnally..but i guess i did not want her hearin abt my money probs, the last ting i want is her treatin me like a basketcase.. i dont regret sayin this to bro tho: "i dont want ur money..i only ve shreds of my self esteem left, n trust me if u dont got ne self esteem u got nothin..u may as well b dead" n tht is a fact...ive bn in a positn where i had zero self esteem, zero dignity, zero self worth...u r beyond saving point by then n theres nothin ppl can do to help.. u r dead already..n only u urself can save u, nobody else..no stupid shrink, self help bk, meds..jst u urself..i was lucky coz i survivd....usin my own will, my own ways..i made it, well at least i chose to turn bk n live again..gave myself nother chance..mostly i did it for my fam, their lives were totally shatterd coz of my stupidity n selfishness n i hatd seein em cry evyday....but at least i did it..it took a lot of tears, a lot of work..but i chose life. i let myself waste away coz i was too weak to b strong..does tht make sense?..i let others hurt me, grind me to the v core..till i bled n evythin got zapped outta me..instead of gatherin up the courage to face my fears n deal w the shit i had at hand..i let the outside kill me, coz it was ezier..it was so much ezier to b weak n defeatd than to b strong....me, the complacent one..the passive one..i sat ard like a sittin duck...i basicaly had a sign on my forehead w the words: "hurt me please"..it was too hard to fight...i dint ve the strength nor desire to win..coz i was tired..i was weak...i was dpressd..i wantd to b dfeatd..i wantd to b hurt some more..heck i dint wana live no more... so bk to my life at presnt..im better, at least ive learnd to deal w my emotns better...i tink partly due to this blog, yea i know it sounds stupid but ventin to nobody in particular hs a therapeutic effct..the fact tht i can bitch n whine n cry w nobody passin judgment is the main purpose of this blog..ive also startd to read a lot more, it helps to keep my mind frm thinkin stupid, self destructive thoughts....i try to fill my pathetic life w little projects to keep bz, even if it jst involves cleanin my rm or filin my bills or dustin my bkshelves..ill ve achievd somthin... but now realitys hittin me in the face n i know tht i need a job very badly..i love kids n i love wat i do but i cant cont to do this..it is no longer realistic nor practical to keep at this, if only for purely financial reasons..thts not the main reason tho, thing is i was not meant to teach..i feel out of place coz i know i wana do smth else, i feel tht smth is missin..i def wana keep teachin on the side thts for sure...but i wana do smth i realy njoy, smth im good at...i dont feel usd/valued nuff as a teach...nothin against em n i respect em a lot actualy..but i know this is not me..im spposd to b doin smth else which brings me bk to square one..sigh. i hate the job app process..the cv, cover letters, fone calls, emails u ve to make...its terribly borin n unblievably mundane....ugh i know nothins gna happ if i dont do nothin..but i realy realy hate this, jst the thought of workin on my stupid cv is enuff to make me wana switch off the pc n do smth else....but i guess i hve a deadline now, unlike all those times b4..i need to move out n find my own place in the nex 6 mths..thts a huge deal huh, but i tink i can do it if i put my mind to it..a job is the first ting i need..n then i gta sort out my finances..i tink emotionay im ready to get out there in the real world n b ard ppl again..unlike the whole of 2002, i knew i was not ready to b w ppl, in a normal settin..but rite now..i need normality..some stability in my life... as xpectd today i did nothin..i watchd tv, ate like a pig, talkd on the fone w veni, chattd online, surfd on useless stuff, read/replied to email, read ppls blogs..but no, i did not touch my cv nor surf for jobs..sigh. i need someone to kick me in the ass...i MUST do smth tomorw thts for sure..i ve job ads from last wk i need to send my cv to....i wana get smth by march..i wonder if thts too ambitious but ill try...i tink tonite whn i log off ill work out a timetable for online time, job app time, tv time, etc so i can b more productive instead of gettin fat all day n nite...i realy need to b more disciplind abt it, else im done for..evyday passes me by n i get nothin done...yawn sleepy now..ive yet to wash my face n brush my teeth...change into my nightie..write in my journal..read the paper...argh. my eyes hurt frm havin slept so little last nite..abt 5 hrs..well thts not so little i guess but since im not drinkin much h2o these days i find myself gettin dizzy frm time to time, n i ve to stop in my tracks n hold onto things jst so i dont fall over... i red a few ppls blogs tonite...i chattd w tom again tonite, dang we r gettin too close i tink....n last but not least veni n i plannd for nex wk, hehe we ve decided to hit ing in wc nex thurs..if tht place sucks we re off to dtd n carnegies, or whrever there..we wana ring up 2 other girls "to play with" in her words haha..i miss goin out w her...shes a lot of fun, things can get crazy whn we re both not careful but on the whole its gd, clean fun which leaves me jst 10 days to clear my face up n lose a cpl lbs..since stan left ive put on weight for some unknown reason...so thts it, no more junk for me this wk gna get some shuteye..need to get up early tomrow for some gay lunch thing w my bosses...ew. i work till 7 tomorw :( on a brighter note its payday tomorw yay! 3. credit card 5. i owe mom $1k argh. tomrow the serious job hunt bgins. # [ posted @ 4:00:00 AM ] pv i gta lay off the sugar n grease this wk...shit my face looks like the surface of the moon..all these bloody craters...dry n flaky..yuck..ive bn havin peanut n butter jam sarnies evyday for the past wk..cud it b tht?..coz i hvent drunk ne alcohol since stan left...yikes this is not good..i look like shit so i jst got home frm work..phew glad todays over...the kids today dint like the dragon thingy we made, unlike my kids like sat...they realy njoyd it..blah. well guess wat whn i got home there was dinn on the table - sweet n sour pork (mock) n eggplant/mushrm...yay! there is a god after all..hehehh....i was gna not eat tonite, im on a diet..well im spposd to b on one neway..but heck this is gd food....jst waitin cpl mins b4 i log off n watch fear factor on cable in mom n dads rm..i dont ve cable in my rm :( i was gna subscribe but since im movin out n all mebe thts not such a gd idea tonite: i must i must i must..else im screwd..i realy gota get a job real soon...fuck im gettin desperate....... i was tinkin on the way to wk today tht phaps i shud schedule my day..like ration my online time so i get more stuff done...godknows theres so much to do n i fuckin procrastinate all the time..i wudnt say im lazy, jst tht i always wait for the perfect time to get em done but of cos theres no such thing as a perfect time..so they all pile up one after the other n by the time im ready to work im so overwhlmd n stressd out i freak out n dont bother....blah. i miss stan. i wish he wrote...i wish he called......there isnt a day whn i dont tink of him, or us whn we were together....i remm evy bit of each day whn i was w him.....of cos i cud always email him n tell him how much im missin him..but i tink tht wud frightn him away..hes not the type to tolerate naggin..after all hes so much older than me...i wud tink he prefs his space, his privacy..so to suffocate him wud b akin to pushin him away u tink?..i dont tink we ll lose touch tho i mean hopefuly the nex time hes in hk we ll get together n go out n stuf..probly not as bf/gf coz i reckon he ll ve found a gf by then :( ..jst as friends or watever...sigh oops its almost 8, gna watch tv now # Sunday, January 26 [ posted @ 9:53:00 PM ] pv (contd..) 10. write ppls addies/contact info/bday dates on diary 11. import outlook stuff n browser bkmarks onto ms word # [ posted @ 9:15:00 PM ] pv hahaha toms so much fun to b with sometimes n yessss i ve 2 more yrs to apply for a drivers license! # [ posted @ 7:34:00 PM ] pv well veni msgd me on my cell wishin me a gd day..how sweet of her...so i got up n wishd her the same..n now i m here..fuck i hve so much to do n i dunno where to start..sigh. 6. ring up that idiot sunday guy 8. work on homepage 9. set up msn msgner? #s 7 n 8 can wait im sure..i duno abt #8, ive kinda resignd to the fact tht stan n i r nothing now n one day he ll disappear into the nite...i guess he cud work on this if he wantd to..but its obvious he doenst care or doenst wana...soooo so b it. once again ill learn to cope w this, like all the other traumas in my life :( shit shit shit........wat a gd catch he was too. dammit. n i tink he liked me a lot...arghhhhhh..wat cud ve been...:( # [ posted @ 12:54:00 PM ] pv zzZzzzzzzzzz...... # [ posted @ 10:10:00 AM ] pv nother one..dint i say i was gna *not* b productive n useful tonite? . : Basics : . [ .001. ] first name: irrelevant [ .002. ] middle name: as abv [ .003. ] last name: as abv [ .004. ] nickname(s): roch [ .005. ] gender: f [ .006. ] age: 20s [ .007. ] birthday: mid oct [ .008. ] height: i dont know..probly 5ft 2 [ .009. ] hair color: blk w fadin brown streaks..i need to get to a hairdressers real soon [ .010. ] eye color: blk [ .011. ] race: blah we re all one race goddamit!! [ .012. ] do you wear glasses or contacts: mostly contacts [ .013. ] do you have braces: no but i need em thts for sure [ .014. ] is your hair long or short: long for now..givin it a go, mebe ill cut it if i look shit or watever [ .015. ] where were you born: phils [ .016. ] current location: hk [ .017. ] zodiac sign: libra [ .018. ] how many languages do you know: dpends..some lingos i can speak/understand/write..others just speak/understand [ .019. ] nationality: fil [ .020. ] bad habits: umm i drink too much..im self destructive (i love paper cutters but m tryin to stop..today i playd w lighters tho)..umm i bite my nails till they bleed..i swear a lot....i nag..im always restless [ .021. ] piercings you have: 4..used to b 7 but the other 3 got infectd n the doc said i had to let em close [ .022. ] piercings you want: 7 at least [ .023. ] tattoos you have: 4 [ .024. ] tattoos you want: more than 4 [ .025. ] today's date: 27 jan 03 [ .026. ] the time: my pc says its 1.24am but its abt 10 mins fast [ .027. ] ready for a bunch more questions: shoooot . : Family : . [ .028. ] mother's name: josephine [ .029. ] father's name: manuel [ .030. ] step-parent's names, if any: none [ .031. ] brother(s)'s name(s): ritchie, ryan [ .032. ] sister(s)'s name(s): i dont ve a sis :( [ .033. ] favorite aunt: umm i like em all [ .034. ] favorite uncle: as abv [ .035. ] favorite grandparent: as abv [ .036. ] worst relative: none [ .037. ] best relative: no one in particular...theyre all cool [ .038. ] do you get along with your parents: yea we re ok now..its beter than b4 [ .039. ] does anyone in your family understand you?: no..my mom tries tho, kudos to her . : Pets : . [ .040. ] do you have any pets: 1 baby, jinn [ .041. ] what are their names: jinger..jinn or jinney [ .042. ] what kind of animals are they: well shes a canine by species but i rarely call her that..shes my baby, my life . : School : . [ .043. ] are you still in school: no [ .044. ] did you drop out: no [ .045. ] current gpa, or last gpa you got: we dont use tht system here [ .046. ] favorite grade: umm i was an abv ave student so i dint mind school tht much [ .047. ] least favorite grade: none [ .048. ] favorite teacher: i had a crush on my math teacher whn i was in grade 9 lol [ .049. ] least favorite teacher: ms. j leung - too pretentious, fake..too motherly/matronly..she was downrite annoying [ .050. ] favorite subject: hm engl i guess..i mean it was a subj i was best at [ .051. ] least favorite subject: economics [ .052. ] do/did you buy lunch or bring it: bring [ .053. ] play any sports on the school's team: nope [ .054. ] do/did you do any extracurricular activities: hmm no..i wudve lovd to but my friends werent the type [ .055. ] are/were you popular: no way [ .057. ] favorite memory: none [ .058. ] least favorite dance: dance?? [ .059. ] least favorite memory: umm nothin stands out [ .060. ] most humiliating moment: cant tink of ne..ah yes, i remm i turnd up in summer school one day wearin a cheap tacky outfit jst so my math teacher wud notice me..fuck. im cringeing now lol . : Favorites : . [ .061. ] number: it usd to b 16..then 8..then 4..progresd to 3...now i dont ve a favorite no...bk to 16 phaps? [ .062. ] clothing brand: umm im not into labels [ .063. ] shoes: my docs..cant live w o em..n my trusty blk/white nikes..ve had em for more than 10 yrs (n countin!) [ .064. ] saying: shit/fuck/other trite 4 letter words..ahem [ .065. ] tv show: we dont ve tht many here in hk [ .066. ] sport: umm swimming..altho i suck at it [ .067. ] vegetable: all! (barrin the awful bittergourd) [ .068. ] fruit: love em all..but esp pomelos, starfruit, mandarins, bananas [ .069. ] movie: lots..trainspotting, ghost (makes me cry still), [ .070. ] magazine: hk mag, bc (local)..marie claire [ .071. ] actor: harrison ford, william hurt, denzel washington [ .072. ] actress: angeline jolie, nic kidman [ .073. ] candy: skittles (reg) [ .074. ] gum: wrigleys extra white [ .075. ] scent: aftershave of my man, sometimes a bit of sweat is sexy too [ .076. ] candy bar: usd to b kitkat, picnic..nothin too sweet [ .077. ] ice cream flavor: mint choc chip (bk whn i wasnt vegan yet) [ .078. ] color: blk, red [ .079. ] season: fall [ .080. ] holiday: none..i hate the hols esp xmas [ .081. ] band: umm lots..creed, u2, incubus, nin, dave matthews, googoo dolls [ .082. ] singer: hmm [ .083. ] group: isnt this the same as band? [ .084. ] rapper: tupac, eminem, dr dres stuff [ .085. ] type of music: soft/classic rock, some metal if im dpressd/angry..decent ballads whn im in love...blah [ .086. ] thing in your room: my pc, my journal [ .087. ] place to be: dpends on my mood [ .088. ] radio station: i dont listen to the radio much [ .089. ] tv channel: axn..national geo is ok too [ .090. ] junk food: chips (the fried potatoes kind) w lotsssss of ketchup [ .091. ] overall food: hmm italian, chinese, indian, lebanese..i know how to njoy my food heh [ .092. ] store: ummm the bookstore [ .093. ] shoe brand: doc martens [ .094. ] fast food: i try my best to avoid em but i go to mackers whn i succumb to my cravins for french fries [ .095. ] restaurant: nothin beats fat angs [ .096. ] shape: cross..as in an x [ .097. ] time of day: v late nite [ .098. ] country: hvent been to many to hve a fave [ .099. ] state: umm [ .100. ] boys name: not tellin..savin em for my future kids [ .101. ] girls name: ditto as abv [ .102. ] mall: hmm festival walk in kowloon tong..n the streets of mongkok [ .103. ] video game: i dont play games..apart from simcity [ .104. ] shampoo: tigi [ .105. ] board game: monopoly! [ .106. ] computer game: er i tink i shudve answered simcity here [ .107. ] car: i like audis, bmws, mercs...german ones [ .108. ] music video: hmm cant think of ne rite now..eminems white america is one [ .109. ] swear word: bloody..but thts not really a swear word is it? [ .110. ] word: what's your favorite four letter 'f' word? isnt it obvious [ .111. ] month: none in particular [ .112. ] cartoon character: hmm [ .113. ] scary movie: i dont watch scary movies [ .114. ] team: dont know ne [ .115. ] possession: my journal . : What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear : . [ .116. ] eminem: genius [ .117. ] dog: jinney [ .118. ] hot: water [ .119. ] britney spears: sexy slut [ .120. ] nsync: ew gay [ .121. ] real world: shitty [ .122. ] orange: fruit [ .123. ] choice: too many [ .124. ] fuck: fuckkkkk [ .125. ] bisexual: oh [ .126. ] black: white [ .127. ] icq: tatto [ .128. ] insane clown posse: hm? [ .129. ] linkin park: in the end [ .130. ] jack: magic beans [ .131. ] rainbow: nature [ .132. ] cherry: yum [ .133. ] cucumber: yumm [ .134. ] shark: jaws [ .135. ] lifehouse: good music [ .136. ] bat: batman [ .137. ] leather: cows [ .138. ] whip: sex [ .139. ] america: george bush [ .140. ] water: thirsty [ .141. ] volcano: lava . : This or that : . [ .142. ] rock or rap: dpens on my mood [ .143. ] rock or pop: rock [ .144. ] rock or r&b: dpens on my mood..normaly r n b tho [ .145. ] rock or metal: either [ .146. ] rap or pop: rap [ .147. ] rap or r&b: both [ .148. ] rap or metal: rap [ .149. ] pop or r&b: r n b [ .150. ] pop or metal: dpends [ .151. ] r&b or metal: r n b [ .152. ] linkin park or limp bizkit: linkin park..limp is gd for mindless head bangin tho [ .153. ] tool or korn: hmm hvent heard much of tools music [ .154. ] selena or jennifer lopez: jenn [ .155. ] hot or cold: cold [ .156. ] winter or summer: winter [ .157. ] spring or fall: fall [ .158. ] shakira or britney: shakiras the better musican, britneys gd to look at [ .159. ] icp or eminem: eminem [ .160. ] marilyn manson or rob zombie: neither [ .161. ] kittie or garbage: hvent heard kitties songs but garbage is cool [ .162. ] mtv or vh1: both is ok [ .163. ] buffy or angel: angel..she looks better [ .164. ] dawson's creek or gilmore girls: we dont ve the latter here so i dunno [ .165. ] football or basketball: football u mean soccer? i like watchin soccer esp the world cup/eurocup...i dont play - duh [ .166. ] summer olympics or winter olympics: i dont watch either..well does the openin/closin ceremonies count? [ .167. ] skiing or snowboarding: i wudnt mind tryin either one [ .168. ] rollerblading or skateboarding: same as abv [ .169. ] black or white: blk [ .170. ] orange or red: red [ .171. ] yellow or green: dpends on the shade [ .172. ] purple or pink: pink [ .173. ] slipknot or mudvayne: sigh..gettin sick of these qstns...NEITHER [ .174. ] hot topic or pac sun: blah [ .175. ] inside or outside: outside, if it means gd company...or clubbin n drinkin heh ..otherwise inside [ .176. ] weed or alcohol: havent tried weed...alco is gd nuff for me tho [ .177. ] cell phone or pager: cell of course [ .178. ] pen or pencil: either will do [ .179. ] powerpuff girls or charlie's angels: powerpuff heh..but only coz timmyboy loves em =) [ .180. ] scooby doo or dino: scooby [ .181. ] dragon ball z or pokemon: ew i hate jap cartoons..actualy i hate most jap trends i dunno y [ .182. ] star wars or star trek: none of em [ .183. ] tattoos or piercings: love both! [ .184. ] prep or punk: punk [ .185. ] slut or whore: whore . : Private life : . [ .186. ] do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: not sure..i tink no :( he doenst c me the way i c him :(( [ .187. ] do you have a crush: well i like him lots n i tink of him lots n i miss him lots :( [ .188. ] do you love anyone right now: well loves too strong a word for now..but hes someone i can c myself loving n takin care of... [ .189. ] have you ever been in love: yes [ .190. ] how many people have you kissed: not sayin [ .191. ] who was your first kiss: my cat kitty [ .192. ] how many hearts of have you broken: i tink just one? or mebbe not.. [ .193. ] how many people broke your heart: three (n countin...sigh)..one majorly. [ .194. ] best quote to sum up love: it hurts [ .195. ] so what is your bf/gf/crush like: someone i can connect w on the mental plane..his mind is beautiful, evytime we talk its like makin love to it heh...hes sweet n mushy, knows how to treat a girl..he loves cuddles n hugs..makes me feel normal/accptd..hes warm, not afraid to show his feelins, he respects me...on the phy side hes a total stud, q tall...attractive...great dresser..elegant. great taste in evything..food, film, drink, music..he spontaneously gives me kisses n says the most amazin things..evytime i look at him i go weak at the knees (honestly)..n whn i tink of the times we were together i start to cry coz i miss him tons :( [ .196. ] do you have a picture of him/her: i dint want one coz i knew he was goin away [ .197. ] please post it if you do: n/a [ .198. ] do you have a picture of yourself: yes [ .199. ] please post it if you do: yea rite [ .200. ] do you go by looks or personality: personality 100%...wud neone say looks even if tht was the truth? [ .201. ] ever kiss a friend: u mean in a romantic way? er yea..but it was the drink, i promise [ .202. ] are you still friends: sorta [ .203. ] so moving along..do you smoke: yes [ .204. ] do you smoke weed: no [ .205. ] ever trip on acid: hm no [ .206. ] how about a little x: nope [ .207. ] crack, heroin, anything else: no no n no [ .208. ] beer good or beer bad: gooooood [ .209. ] are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: wats a wine cooler [ .210. ] do you like smirnoff ice: is ok [ .211. ] prefer beer or liquor: beer [ .212. ] what kind of cigarettes do you smoke: watever goes really..rite now, davidoff (mens), n tht china brand stan likes so much [ .213. ] are you a virgin: no [ .214. ] if no, when was the last time you got fucked?: argh........ . : Would you ever : . [ .215. ] bungee jump: yea..id love to [ .216. ] sky dive: yea [ .217. ] swim with dolphins: yep [ .218. ] scuba dive: yea [ .219. ] go rock climbing: yea [ .220. ] eat shit for $1,000,000: no fuckin way..i wont even eat meat for half that money [ .221. ] turn your back on your friends for personal gain: no [ .222. ] steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: no [ .223. ] cross-dress: if i wantd to [ .224. ] lie to the police: no i dont tink so [ .225. ] run from the police: nope [ .226. ] lie to your parents: who doenst lie to their parents? shesh [ .227. ] walk up to a stranger and kiss them: hmmm i tink so..if i was on a dare, or if i was drunk..or if i was really lonely/sad [ .228. ] be an exotic dancer: never [ .229. ] walk out of a restaurant without paying: nope [ .230. ] streak: no . : Your friends : . [ .231. ] best friend: veni...in some ways tatto too..well at least b4 all this mess startd [ .232. ] known longest: dimp (from kindy hehe..altho at tht time we dint speak to each other) [ .233. ] wish you talked to more: sony..she speaks sense...n cyn..kinda miss our friendship..hm cella from sing as well [ .234. ] wish you saw more: veni [ .235. ] how many friends do you think you have: real friends? its jst veni i tink..n tom, to a certain xtent [ .236. ] who drives you insane after a while: hm nita, stephen [ .237. ] who can you stay around forever and never get sick of: veni..but i tink she d get sick of me heh [ .238. ] ever lose a good friend because you took it to the 'next level': hm no [ .239. ] craziest: nita..man that girl is nuts..hm once she was drunk n she txtd me askin me if i was a les followd by "i really like u" egads!!! [ .240. ] loudest: i dont hang ard noisy ppl...im too self conscious for tht. well roque was v much his own person n he never cared abt wat other ppl thought of him, he always said wat he thought regdless of who it was to or who was ard..i wudnt say he was loud tho... [ .241. ] shyest: hmm kan..n ivy (aka ghost) too [ .242. ] best hair: ooh veni [ .243. ] can always make you laugh: hmm nobody..cud it b tht i dont ve a sense of humor?..but whn veni n i talk abt those silly times we shard together we can laugh till we re cryin hahaha..hmmm tom knows how to make me feel better sometimes [ .244. ] best eyes: stan..hes got these dreamy eyes i get lost in whn i look at em... [ .245. ] best body: stan...hes not athleticaly fit or watever..jst lanky, tall..hes jst rite...he even has a little tummy..cute =)) [ .246. ] most athletic: roque..he had a beer belly n was on the short side but hes quick n knows 4 types of martial arts...a damn good fighter [ .247. ] sex symbol: def stan [ .248. ] hot tempered: ahem..me...roque was pretty bad too..quick tempred n hot tempered [ .249. ] most impatient: moi again..dimp comes a close 2nd tho..but she doenst get irritated like i do [ .250. ] shortest: sanna? gawd shes tiny... [ .251. ] tallest: stan [ .252. ] talented: stan again....if only for his intellect...but academically, AS (my ex)..brilliant mind [ .254. ] skinniest: sanna [ .255. ] nicest: veni (too nice)..n tom is pretty gd natured, ive never heard him swear come to tink of it.. [ .256. ] best personality: hmm let me tink..stan. gregarious, fun, ez to talk to..dynamic, inviting, magnetic..he sorta draws u to talk to him...nev threatenin nor intimidating..hes always interestd in hearin wat u tink [ .257. ] biggest drug user: tatto? . : Have you ever : . [ .258. ] flashed someone: u mean someone other than my bf? no [ .259. ] told the person you liked how you felt: yea....i rarely hold bk whn it comes to feelings..unless whn i know its gna scare em away (as in the case of stan i gues) [ .260. ] been to michigan: no [ .261. ] gotten really REALLY wasted: hmm yes..cpl times..w little regret i mite add... [ .262. ] gone to jail or juvi: no no [ .263. ] skateboarded: w my bro whn i was little [ .264. ] skinny dipped: no [ .265. ] stolen anything: no not tht i remm [ .266. ] wanted to kick my ass for making this so long: its gettin to tht point... [ .267. ] kicked someone's ass: no not yet [ .268. ] pegged someone in the head with a snowball: ive nev touchd snow :( sad but true.. [ .269. ] broken a beer bottle: nope..does glass count? [ .270. ] gotten into a bar, under-aged: nope [ .271. ] kissed someone of the same sex: not full on on the mouth [ .273. ] gone on a road trip: no..wud like to tho [ .274. ] gone on vacation without adult supervision: sigh..no....until i was well into my 20s [ .275. ] been to a concert: yea [ .276. ] been to another country: yea [ .277. ] talked back to an adult: of course [ .278. ] got pulled over: nope..dont drive [ .279. ] go in a car accident: no [ .280. ] broken a law: n got caught? no..broken laws n got away w it, yea [ .281. ] given money to a homeless person: yea q often [ .282. ] tried to kill yourself: eryes. [ .283. ] cried to get out of trouble: hmm no [ .284. ] kissed a friend's brother or sister: um yea but it doenst count coz we were both drunk [ .285. ] kissed a brother or sister's friend: no [ .286. ] dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways: yuck, no . : Opinions : . [ .287. ] what do you think...about pop music: some songs r pretty gd..i guess ppl dont readily admit tht they listen to pop for fear of bein calld uncool or watever [ .288. ] about boy bands: same as abv [ .289. ] about flag burning: its our rite to burn watever we want, jst as long as its not public property or on public property..who cares if its a piece of scrap paper or the flag or watever [ .290. ] of the war on terrorists: at first i was angry n wantd vengeance but now its jst plain boring..bushs been draggin his feet... [ .291. ] about suicide: ppl dont know wht its really like for someone to want to end his or her own life..they say 'get over it' n shit but they dont know jack....... [ .292. ] about people who try to force their opinions on you: mutual respect is important [ .293. ] about abortion: i tink of it as killin i guess..unless the mothers life is in danger, or the babys a result of rape..then i wudnt want abortn to take place [ .294. ] about rock/metal music: whts there to say? [ .295. ] where do you think you'll be in 10 years: sigh...i wish i knew..i jst know if i keep at the rate im goin, broke n lonely n destitute..a failure.... [ .296. ] who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: hopefuly veni..but im not so sure..once ppl get married evythin changes . : What did you do : . [ .297. ] last birthday: was w roque..went for dinn then to chasers...pity it ended w us fightin over some russian sluts he decided to take pics w..i stormed out n walkd into a bar all by myself..thn (almost) got pickd up by some perv on the way home..but i relentd n cabbd it to his place where i cried n we talkd abt stuff [ .298. ] yesterday: i hate sats...i work till 6 n by the time i get home im exhaustd..watchd loadsa tv at nite..hmm cleaned my room n chuked out loadsa stuff [ .299. ] last weekend: was dpressd coz stan had jst left :( [ .300. ] christmas: was a tragic event...alone n miserable [ .301. ] thanksgiving: we dont celebrate tht here [ .302. ] new year's eve: oooh was at lkf where veni n partied all nite n mornin...tis also when n where i met stan da man =) [ .303. ] halloween: um was w roque...i got so hammered i dont remm wat happ..veni said i was terrible n had to b phy draggd outside to go home [ .304. ] easter: at the hosp............. [ .305. ] valentine's day: twas also ch new yr then so i was out w veni n her sibs, watchin the fireworks . : the last : . [ .306. ] thing you ate: peanut butter+strawberry jam sarnie [ .307. ] thing you drank: h2o [ .308. ] thing you wore: blk jeans, red top, nikes...for my walk w jinn [ .309. ] place you went: to 7 11 tonite to get the paper n classifieds [ .310. ] thing you got pierced/tattooed: i got my lower bk n rite shoulder tattooed at the same time, last yr bk in umm aug [ .311. ] person you saw: dad cpl hrs ago..he was in bed watchin cnn [ .312. ] person you kissed: stan [ .313. ] person you fucked: stan of course [ .314. ] person you talked to: in person, dad..on the fone, veni...online, tom [ .315. ] song you heard: tariqs cd..i forgot which song . : Now : . [ .316. ] what are you eating: nothin [ .317. ] what are you drinking: nothin [ .318. ] what are you wearing: blue cotton nightie [ .319. ] any shoes on: nope [ .320. ] hair: down [ .321. ] listening to: nothing [ .322. ] talking to anyone: nope [ .323. ] are you pissed i made this so long: no im jst realy tired rite now... . : Yes or no : . [ .324. ] are you a vegetarian: no (im a vegan) [ .325. ] do you like cows: yes [ .326. ] are you a bitch: if u mean do i like speakin my mind, then yes [ .327. ] are you artistic: yes id like to tink so [ .328. ] do you write poetry: only whn im sad/dpressd [ .329. ] are you a fast runner: im ave i guess so i guess no [ .330. ] can you ski: no [ .331. ] are you british: hehe no [ .332. ] do you want to spear britney: hhaha good one but no..if i was a guy i probly wud tho [ .333. ] do the voices talk to you: no just my own [ .334. ] did you ever give barbie a haircut: i nev had barbies whn i was little, i hated her..i stil hate her now [ .335. ] would you eat mac & cheese with hot dogs in it: no coz im vegan [ .336. ] do you think disney creators were on acid when they made 'alice in wonderland': no [ .337. ] are you straight: yes [ .339. ] are you fat: kinda [ .340. ] are you skinny: no [ .341. ] are you short: yes [ .342. ] are you tall: no [ .343. ] do you own a hot pink shirt: nope [ .344. ] how about orange pants: course not [ .345. ] can you see the flying monkeys: huh [ .346. ] are you evil: no... [ .347. ] did you ever know someone who had a mullet: hmm nope [ .348. ] is britney a whore: jst coz a girl flaunts wat shes got doenst make her a whore [ .349. ] are you a teenage zombie: wats that [ .350. ] am i annoying you: nah [ .351. ] do you like marilyn manson: i tink hes an attn dprived child..i feel sorry for him [ .352. ] are you secretly from another planet: no..sometimes i tink i m tho [ .353. ] did you ever touch someone else's private parts: other than my bfs, no [ .354. ] do you shop at hot topic: whas that . : Random questions : . [ .355. ] if you could be any animal, what would you be: a kittycat [ .356. ] if you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be: mushrooms..no no make that tofu [ .357. ] do you remember any of your dreams: yea most of em [ .358. ] do you dream in color or black and white: color..i dint even know u cud dream in b&w? [ .359. ] do you admit when you need help with a problem: to close friends..n dpends on the type of prob it is [ .360. ] can people read you like a book: no... [ .361. ] what's your biggest fear: not bein who i can b/not doin wat i can do out of procrastinatn or fear of failure or lack of opportunity or lack of financial means [ .362. ] do you talk a lot: only w the ppl i trust [ .363. ] are you afraid of clowns: no not really [ .364. ] do you like spiders: no..i dont particularly hate em tho [ .365. ] how about grape kool-aid: hvent had it since i was 10 [ .366. ] can you drive: yes but i dont [ .367. ] are you spoiled: no.. [ .368. ] are you anti-social: very much so [ .369. ] do you see dumb people: uhuh [ .370. ] do you see dead people: no thank god [ .371. ] any last words: im sleepy n tired n buggered n hungry [ .372. ] now that this is over, what are you going to do: zzZzzzzzzzz # |
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