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Saturday, February 8 [ posted @ 11:31:00 PM ] pv Dear Customer, FREE Handset Offer --- Mobile number : 93xxxxxx In order to thank you for your continuous support to SUNDAY, we are pleased to inform you that a FREE handset --- Nokia N7210 has been arranged just for you. Simply bring along this letter and visit any of the following shops in person for redemption by 23 February 2003. Once again, we thank you for staying with us and look forward to seeing you at our shops. i got this in the mail yest ...woohooo someone loves me afterall ...at first i cudnt blieve it, but there it was..then i thought of all the money ive spent on my cell acct, bloody hell up to thousands n thousands..jst last mth i paid 2.5k ..so...it was abt bloody time they fuckin rewarded me for my loyalty (n stupidity)..wonder if its got nethin to do w my havin cancld my 2nd acct there tho lol, i had a huge argument w em abt 2 wks ago complete w all the 4 letter words in the engl dictionary ..said id cancel all my accts there n persuade my corporate/personal friends to do the same hahaha...neway i did end up terminatin tht contract, it was useless neway .. i was merely hangin on to the no. for sentimental reasons coz i gave roque that cellfone, together w that cell no...n whn he said he was gna b bk (watever...) i thought i shud ve tht no. ready...blahhh..well he said he mite b bk jan so whn feb came i thought i wasnt gna wait no more ..time to move on. n i ve ... the day b4 i got the letter abv i got this one frm those horrible, nasty, bloodsuckin ppl at the inland revenue dept..jesus christ....i know ive bn avoidin em for months now, theyd bn sendin brightly colord envelopes to me for months n of course ive bn too frightend to open em..so i wud put em aside n pretend i never got em lol..well that day the envelope was fuckin bright yellow, not the usual lite green/white/dark green colors ive grown accustomd to..gulp, this cant b good i thought to myself..so gatherin up all my courage i rippd the damn thing open...n this is wat i saw..a bunch of numbers in red which i cudnt decipher, naturally...but this is wat it said in a big box at the bottom of the letter: NET BALANCE OF TAX REPAYABLE: 2,662 CHEQUE ATTACHED: 2,662.00 n then A CHEQUE FOR THE SUM PAYABLE TO YOU IS ATTACHED. PLEASE DEPOSIT IT INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT WITHIN 6 MONTHS FUCK yea!!!! a tax refund!!! wat r the odds!!!!! there is a god after all....i clung to the chek attachd to the bottom like dear life, lookd at it over n over again.....yay, after ignorin their letters for mths it turns out theyre the ones who fuckd up n now theyre the ones givin me money hahaha..phew. i need money so bad this mth too, i hvent dishd out for my credit card bill yet plus i wana give smth to mom n dad...n i already gave veni my word tht we r gna do this course at the apa so i dont wna let her down..i jst told her last nite im gna give her the course fee well ahead, so i dont spend the money today im gna do job apps...yest jinn was really sick n i kept tinkin to myself that i cant go full time yet coz nobody d b here to look after her...there r jobs i wana apply for, in shanghai .. but wat will bcome of her when im there? theres no way im gna leave her here...i know mom n dad love her too but i also know that they dont ve the time to give her the care n attn she needs....so i tink i will ve to wait some more..until..well. its so stupid to b doin this, but theres no other optn is there? i need a job but i def wont leave jinn alone at home like that..mom n dad ve already warmd to the idea that ill b goin somewhere in china for work, jst the other day she gave me a job ad to apply..i felt happy, coz dad was there too so im guessin theyve both already talkd abt not only my movin out of this hse but also moving to a new country...so all i gta do is write the apps n im off to my new chapter in life, which i so desperately need coz i know i need a complete shake up. i need to get outa here n do somthin for myself, by myself.... well will walk jinn now..i slept lots last nite, i feel good..mebe i will clean my rm tonite too. i still ve the flu tho. veni jst rang. lol she jst woke up too..its jst past 4pm hahha...well neway she wants to meet in an hr, do some shoppin n also i gta pick up my stuff at her place..when i came over to change n do our make up together for that nite out 3 days ago. plus durin nye i left bhind some clothes too..shes like "its like ure gna move in already" hehh...fineeee so im gna go walk jinn now then meet her. mebe do more knicker shoppin at m&s... later # [ posted @ 12:34:00 PM ] pv i feel unwanted n unlovd...bn dpressd all day..tinkin..feelin...shitty things. pityin myself # Friday, February 7 [ posted @ 12:05:00 PM ] pv i fuckd up the html..heres that cpls site again gna take some meds n zZz now...hugs for stan....i miss him like nethin today.... :( n he doenst even know it. to tell or not to tell him how i feel, that is the qstn...? # [ posted @ 11:56:00 AM ] pv plug time: ck's blog n his other site..frosted tears, n random peachy thoughts...nn chk out this sweet couples # [ posted @ 9:49:00 AM ] pv 1. it is perfectly alrite to not ve ne answers whn im confusd abt smth..in life there will always b more qstns than answers 2. it is okay to make mistakes..learn frm it, laugh abt it n move on 3. i dont ve to feel guilty for not regrettn smth that shudntve happened # [ posted @ 8:35:00 AM ] pv some of the harsher realities of life saddens me..some i can take, some i cant n i either pretend to b ignorant abt them, or i secretly cry inside i m an object of abundant feelings n emotion...i discose wat i feel bcos i m convinced that feelings not shared r feelings not felt at all. the privilege of bein human lies not only on our capacity to feel, but our ability to xpress ourselves to each other, n relate to each other..to share those feelins w one another, to build human relationhips....n to indulge in the glory of it....we find joy within happiness...we find comfort within sadness.. never lose ur heart to feel..it is the beauty n splendor of the human entity i will blog tomorw..not only do i not know wat to say abt what happ yest but im also tired n sick... i ve the meanest of flu..my nose is runny, my chest hurts, my head hurts, my joints r achin...evything hurts..today i cud barely stand up at work n i was totally miserable i hate bein this sick ...i hate havin to wipe my nose all the friggin time. i look like a wreck. disgusting. :( # Thursday, February 6 [ posted @ 2:45:00 PM ] pv oh shit i kissed her. like thers no tomorw. ohf uck what happene.d. oh god. i m so stoned i mgna puek. i need to sleep. oh god. # Wednesday, February 5 [ posted @ 12:21:00 PM ] pv this is not good..i feel sick :( actualy i am sick..ugh ugh. n i had a gd day today too..n now im fuckin sick...n tomorw veni n i r goin out, i was really lookin fwd to it...now i feel sick. i feel crappy...my nose is blockd n i cant fuckin breathe thru it. i cant even smell nothing - im burnin some fragrant oil rite now but i cant smell for shit. sigh..i feel light headed n im sleepy..tired. i tink its coz ive bn goin out...n i drank last nite, n tonite i drank w veni too. my gums r hurting..they r bleedin again..shit. veni reckons ive got gingivitis (sp) but i doubt it, coz my gums r swellin too..gingivitis jst means bleedin of the teeth/gum i tink? def the drinkin spurred on the bleedin/soreness..sigh :( veni n i met late today, at abt 3..we were gna go shoppin first then get our hair done but we decided on doin our hair first coz i lookd like shit hehh..was spposd to wash my hair b4 meetin her but i was already runnin late so...neway she jst got a trim, she looks the same..a bit neater i guess...well on the spur of the moment i decided to color my hair, i wanted red but the color turned out fuckin brown/dark blonde in the end..i was totally pissed off but luckily whn the guy cut my hair i forgot abt the color coz i really liked wat he did to it..well at first it took a while gettin used to coz its soo diffrent..instead of partin my hair down the middle, which is wat ive bn doin for yrs, he partd it down the side on the rite...so now ive got a floppy fringe thingy sweeping across my forehead down to the side of my face, which looks sorta cool n modern i spose...of course once i wash it its gna go stupid but at least for the nex cpl days ill get to like wat i c in the mirror..i dont like the color to b honest, but i adore the cut..so i guess i m happy then we went to pacific place to chk out mango..wat veni wantd to buy was not there today, probly it got sold yest..so we ended up w nothin...we went to m&s after, to look at the undies coz they were on sale...my gosh they always ve gorgeous undies there...we saw cpl g strings, lace panties that were simply ravishing but the sizes were massive - im talkin 16+ which is like a 30+ inch waistline..sizes were till 22, 24..wat a pity..they were to die for...in the end we bought some knickers, she a white/purple thong, me a c thru purple one w/ a swirley design..i also found this blk/purple animal print bra..sexy. well i got that one too..we were pretty imprssd w our purchases coz they were damnd cheap..then we headed to wanchai, coz we felt like some alcohol..hehhe..took the tram down, we were dressd in our sporty gear so we stayd away from our reg hangouts - we wantd to hide ourselves lol, she was in her trainers n me in my docs..we lookd like a pair of tramps...was so temptin to drink the nite away at our favorite spots but we tried our v best to resist..blah. we went to some unknown bar place, had some beer, ordered some chips..it was fun =) veni is cute when shes tipsy...i swear i cud not ve askd for a better friend... =) but neway, i begd n pleaded w her for us to stay there all nite but she kept sayin tha we were dressd like shit..she was rite i spose, wat more w our shoppin bags in tow too..but still, there we were at the heart of kickass music, great company, drinks ahoy!! we basicaly had to drag ourselves to the train statn to head bk home...she kept sayin "tomrow, we re gona party all nite..go bar hoppin, drink to our hearts content" n shit yea i blieved her whn she said that haha, we r goin w her cousin n nother of our friends - nita - the chick who tinks im a les..hahah veni n i talk abt her a lot, nita is fun to muck ard with coz we tink (know?) shes a closet les herself so whn we pretend we re gay too we like watchin her watch us, as if shes tryin to figure out if we re gay too...wat more when we go down on her n mess with her on the floor she gets pissed off coz i tink shes unsure of how she shud act lol, last time we were out w her she was furious coz we wudnt tell her if we were straight/gay..n we kept comin on to her, groping her n stuff - ahem, we eventualy got thrown out of the place coz the bitch singer complaind to the bouncer abt us..beeeyaaatchhhh!! ..neway we will c wat happs...after wanchai we went shoppin for clothes for tomrow, i bought a blk/silver lycra stretch tank...but i tried it on whn i got home n i doubt ill wear it... the yuck thing is tomorw i start work...after a 7 day hiatus u obviously wont feel like workin...so i m so dreadin tomrow..wat more i work full day tomorw from 10 till 7..shit, i gta b up at 7 coz it takes 90mins to get there at least...n its past 4am rite now too. tomorw i will b knackered as shit..ugh. but im not even sleepy..wel im tired i gues but not sleepy....hmm tomorw we re spposd to ve that lunch thing at work but im not sure if its on? will ring up my boss in the morning i guess. n of course that guy who i met yest called tonite, i felt so bad for jackin him tonite..well wat to do, he rang at 5 whn he finishd work n i was still havin my hair done..so i told him i was gna b bz tonite, go shoppin w the gf n stuff..well he sounded disp..i tried not to care...later he called again while i was still out w veni, id bn drinkin so i wsnt so coherent i guess...told him i dont tink i wana c him tomrow coz im goin out w my gf, n hes like "wat, u gna do a les show or smth?" i tink he cud sense frm my slur of my words that i was not my normal self (watever)..i askd him his name, said im sorry but i forgot wat his name was..so his name is roy...hmm. i dont tink i wana c him at all, ever. wonder wat hes up to.... n venis stalker hasnt given up, lol whn we were lookin at the undies he rang n veni dint pick up..later i convincd her to ring him bk, which she did but she was irritated as hell...she said she was bz, then later at home cpl hrs later he rang again..but she dint pick up, obviously. she said she mite tell him to fuck off coz this was too much..there she was, willin to b a friend to him but he abuses it by bloody harassing her evy fuckin day. shit my nose is runny. this is horrible...i need to get better by tomorw :( i cannot imagin goin out w a cold, tissues in hand! n fuckkk i cant imagine not bein able to drink coz my gums hurt/r bleeding either...i tink ill go to bed now, ive to b up in 3 hrs tonite on tv one of my n tatto's songs aired...i almost cried :( i cudnt bring myself to hear it but i felt i had to, if im to move on with my life...i miss him, i miss us. i still have his pic on my wall...i do tink of him n i wonder how hes faring...but i know i cant do nothin abt it. i know i cant love him nemore...i know i have to move on w my life without him. i red somewhere that scientifically, we only truly love twice (as in 2 ppl) in our lifetime....if thats true, then i m positive that tatto is one of my true loves...i wonder if ill ever find someone to give my self, my heart n my soul to, the way i gave all of me to tatto...honestly? i doubt i will. but we will c... over n outtt..goodnite world. # [ posted @ 6:41:00 AM ] pv wheeeeeeee i m so happy...i cut/colored my hair n i tink it looks fabulous!!! plus the guy who cut my hair hit on me the whole time n that was nice too. hm he was kinda cute..shy....i tink ill b goin there to get my hair done more often =P hehehee..today was a great day. oh watchin boston public, will blog later.. # Tuesday, February 4 [ posted @ 9:58:00 PM ] pv gulp she is upset..shes 5 mins away waitin for me n im runnin late. # [ posted @ 9:40:00 PM ] pv well my template is fucked up again..i mite b changin servers, blogger can really suck somtimes was spposd to go shoppin w veni today, spposd to meet at 1..ahoy its almost 2 now n im still home hehhh...of course i slept at almost 6 yest...n of course i cudnt wake up on time..n of course im feelin lazy as shit again..i ve been goin out evy single day since the hols startd..not bitchin or nethin but im jst not usd to wakin up b4 noon i spose, n ive been sleepin late like the usual 4 or 5 or 6 am...plus i m irritable coz my pc is messed up all the time..blah i need a new pc im gna get a haircut today..ws tinkin of colorin it blue or red also but i tink i will wait till nex month? veni is gettin a trim too..so after shoppin we re gna head down to the salon...mango is on sale n we wana go chk it out...she wants to buy somethin for our nite out tomorw..lol we both r sooo lookin fwd to it, she got her pay yest n she hasnt blown her money in ages so tomorws the nite k im gna shower then meet veni..i feel better now, last nite i was feelin pretty shitty coz id drunk a bit so was stupidly emotional again..sigh.....i hate hating myself..but somehow that happs evy so often n theres nothin i can do abt it but mope, mope n mope....oh w/regds to that guy im spposd to meet today veni said id b crazy if i plan on meetin him..shes right of course but this wud b the 2nd time id b blowin him over n im not sure if i can do that? blah. i tried to work on my homepage last nite but i was feelin so uncreative i came up with nothing. so will try again tonite...shit tomorw i start work n wat luck, first class is at 10am in fuckin shatin. later # [ posted @ 12:09:00 PM ] pv i feel sad. i m tinkin of tatto...how we once were..n how we r now....the magnitude of wat we were to each other..to now. nothing. even worse, we probly hate each other for it..we hate each other for havin loved the other..isnt that ironic? once upon a time life meant nothin w o him..my life was him...n now. i m nothing. complete strangers...we cud walk past each other in the street n not give a damn.....now i pretend that he doenst exist...i try to forget that we ever met...its easier that way. i hate knowin that hes still there, within my reach..but i cant love him, coz of circumstances...so he may as well not b there to begin with...i try to make myself hate him for evything..but only coz its easier..but the fact of the matter is, i dont hate him at all..i m angry yes..but i m more hurt n sad than nethin...i dont hate him..amids all this, one thing hasnt changed, or wont change..i cant hate him..i love him too much to hate him now...i hope one day i can say instead "i loved him too much to hate him now" # [ posted @ 7:30:00 AM ] pv but i cant wait till thurs...veni n i r gna hve a blasttttt # [ posted @ 7:29:00 AM ] pv yum..i feel thirsty for more tho so he rang while i was at piancas - that guy i met today, who i lost touch w many months ago..he wantd to meet tonite (!) aiya..i said tomrow..actualy i wudve likd to meet him tonite but he said smth on the fone which sorta put me off ("just kidding" he said..yea right)..so i gues ill c him tomrow...we ll c how that goes....i m so sick of goin out, ive bn on my feet evyday since the hols startd last wk...shit. i m tired of this..... # [ posted @ 7:26:00 AM ] pv hahaha jst got home - at piancas they served lotsa drinks..we had bots of red wine n some beer..i feel semi tipsy...yay i feel greaaaaaat # [ posted @ 1:27:00 AM ] pv sometime of mid last yr, i was walkin jinn at abt 3am..feelin specially dpressed....i was goin thru a real bad trough n was in deep thought..was dark n the streets were empty..twas jst jinn n me, walkin slowly coz i did not want to go home jst yet....halfway within our walk someone passed by, n he said smth abt jinn...we got talkin n b4 long we settled down on the side of the street somewhere n sat down to talk...he was a lil tipsy but not drunk, n i was emotional n sad...he spilld his guts out to me..abt his ex, how much he misses her n how desperately he wants her bk...me, i listend....n in turn, told him i too was havin a rough time...this guy then startd to cry..i tink drinkin does that too u, its puts u in touch w ur real feelins..n i huggd him n told him evything was gna b alrite...we ended up talkin for more than an hr..we smoked together n laughed together n cried together...n whn he was smiling again he walkd jinn w me for the rest of the way, n he droppd me off at my place.... abt a month later we got together again...i was pissed off at tatto for smth n i needed to get out of the hse...we talkd over tea n coffee, then walkd ard a bit along the waterfront...we dint talk much, we jst shared the silence...at times like these, nothin needs to b said...we just hung out, smoked, we were sad together... the nex day i threw away this guys tel. no...i felt i was playin w fire n i dint wna go further than i already had...i cant jst call up the guy whnever i feel like shit, i felt like i was usin him n wat more, i did not want to get emotionaly involvd w him...he calld me a few times within the wk but i nev pickd up...i felt so rotten abt it but thought it was the best ting to do... fast fwd to today...i was on the way home frm the vets w my ex, n veni msgd me on my cell...so i was respondin to her lookin at my dialpad of cos...then someone came towards me then stoppd..i lookd up n it was him! holy shit..its been months n months...at least 6 mnths...i shook his hand, wishd him a happy new yr...whoa, we stood ard n talkd a while..turns out hes doin q well..he has a decent job now at a bank (whn we met he was a bum like me)..hes lost some weight, changd his hairstyle....he said he tried to get in touch w me desperately last yr but my fone was always off..i told him it was not poss coz i still ve the same no..he said he also left tons of msgs on my voicemail - i swear to god i nev receivd them..i dont know how or y i nev got his msgs, i do remm not pickin up a cpl of times but i def did not get his msgs...neway he wantd to walk home w me but i said i was w a friend, so better not..n he said its ok, he was bored n wantd to catch up w me...blah, i said mebe ill go out w him tomrow or this wkend...turns out he d jst come bk from the hosp coz his friend met an accident n broke his leg or watever..but he had no plans today n he wantd to go out....i said i had this dinner thing tonite n have no idea till when its gna b...so neway we traded nos (at his insistence) n he said we ll get together tomorw it was nice seein him after all this while...we talkd for abt 20mins, by the time i turned bk to my ex n jinn they were nowhere to b found ummm..they were a cpl meters away, sittin down on the pavement waitin for me...ohwell, he askd me who he was n i said i met him last yr once n we lost touch...he dint ask nemore..i mean this guys a kid, i dont tink AS is tinkin i had a thing w him i hope? yikes...even worse, i hope he doenst tink i had a fling w him while we were together...ummm i dont even remm his name, come to tink of it lol...neway wat a coincidence...strange things happen sometimes..i thought id never c this guy again n..... well i gta shower again n change, im off to dinner in 30mins...im not tht hungry tho coz i ate as soon as i got home...i hope i get home early tonite, im a bit tired of goin out all the time...n i thought tomrow id ve the entire day to myself too..thurs is the cny lunch thing at work..i damn well hope its the last celebratn for cny..i m so bloated from eatin so much..i m def goin on a diet rite after all this...but all in all i had a great wkend, catchin up w friends, family...n oh yea yest after lunch w the ex i popped by dimps place for the first time..it was fun..its like nothin changed, like we were bk in school again..heheh..we walkd down memory lane, talkd abt the good ol days...if only we had more get togethers like this...i tink its a sad thing we dont spend time together nemore...things change, ppl change, situations change, priorities change i guess b bk tonite..im offff # Monday, February 3 [ posted @ 9:36:00 PM ] pv my blog sucks..i so badly wana work at it but i dunno jack abt html n shit..well i m finally revamping my homepage - the 3rd version - i tink it is time to truncate my first 2 unfinished homepages...so much has changd the past 5 yrs it wud b meaningless to have em available online still...it saddens me to even look at em, life was so much better n ezier then..bk in school, havin a great set of friends, NO bf! shit yea life was so uncomplicated then..i dont recall bein that ignorant so it cant ve been coz i was less self reflective then..i was definitely happy tho, i mean not extraordinarily joyous or watever..but happy nonetheless..satisfied..content..i had no worries..even school dint worry me a bit coz i never cared abt grades..n mom n dad nev cared either, coz they knew i wudnt let em down..i was capable of makin gd grades w o the pressure n nagging...so i did fine..in other respects i was doin fine too, i dint ve much of a social life so u cud count my friends on one hand..actualy i dint ve much of a life lol, but i dint know it then..i know that now tho, which phaps xplains my eagerness (desperatn?) to try out evything rite now, watever i can get my hands on..at my age..i m no spring chicken but i know i missd out a lot in my youth n i wana xperience wat i shudve gone thru when i was ynger..i hate regrets n regrettin.. so now things r totally diffrent n i m a totally diffrent person..i ve been reborn, if u cud call it that..whoa that sounds really melodramatic...boy that sounds stupid..but neway yea, 10 yrs ago i or nebody else wud nev xpect me to b in this situatn now...disillusioned, hurt, misunderstood, confused...where did i go wrong? i still dont know wat happ..i jst know i ve lots of mending to do...theres smth thats gta b done n im still on a journey of self discovery in order to figure out wat exactly that is..whether its job related, or family related i ve got no idea..i dont ve more of a life now but ive xperienced a hell lot in the past yr than all my 20-smth yrs put together...xperiences, life events ve taken place...theyve shaped me as a person, theyve widend my perspective on things, changed my outlook on the future, moulded my xpectatns of myself, helpd me decide on wat i wana achieve/accomplish in my life..i feel ive jst startd on my journey..it is damn late i know but beter now than never..n i feel emotionaly equippd to take on watever life chooses to throw at me..i dont tink 10 yrs ago i wudve had the maturity or insight or wisdom to deal w things theres so much in life to learn, to do..every waking moment an opportunity for self awareness, self growth..it is amazing when u look at things that way: that we alone can change our lives, our destiny..we can achieve wat we want to w the right attitude n moves - gettin off our asses n actualy gettin things done..one step at a time...by not bein afraid, not bein disapointed by failure..after a shitty 2002 i m a stronger person, mebe those xperiences were xactly wat i needed to b who i needed to become..i m thankful i survived, altho i came so damn close..but at least now i truly appreciate the finer things in life, things i so badly neglectd n ignored b4 last yr: the love of family, friends...believin in urself, havin hope in the future, bein all u can b...carin for others, lookin outwards not inwards..lookin ahead not bkwards...living life, not dwellin on ur problems...loving what u do have, n not dwellin on wat u dont or cant have....workin towards ur goals, n not livin in the past.... life is good. life sucks sometimes but these hardships r meant to equip u for further challenges ahead..meant to push u byond barriers...byond wat u initially thought were ur limits...the human being is a beautiful thing..capable of changing the world....n the world is full of splendor..full of wonder..full of xperiences jst waitin to b discovered n felt...dont dwell on ur problems, life is too short for that..we r only a tiny entity in this vast universal space of beauty, joy, miracles n love...life: live it..learn it..love it. # [ posted @ 9:43:00 AM ] pv american idol 2 had fil contestants? unfortunately neither made it to the cut..pity. i dint even know innerlude, the band one of the contestants frm, was fil....shit hes only 17 too. chk out babygirl, one of the first tracks i downloaded..simple but sweet...yea i realy dint know they were a fil band but shit now that i do i m proud..hehe. tink im gna switch off the pc now n head to bed..my eyes need a rest. goodnite world # [ posted @ 9:18:00 AM ] pv oh he said he wants to come w me tomorw to take jinn to the vets..i said sure y not....ummmm # [ posted @ 9:15:00 AM ] pv well wat a day...the date w the ex went alrite i spose, it was really weird for a while esp at the start..i was cringein most of the time n wantd to run outta there..its like u know so much abt each other but ure muffld coz ure not spposed to/cant realy ask/say much to each other..it is so weird talkin formal shit w someone u know so well...talkin abt the weather, jobs, the economy in gen, etc etc..it was boring n stupid..pretended to act interestd most of the time, n i tink he saw thru that..but wat to do, i wantd to tell him so much..but it was either inappropriate or weird....until i cudnt hide it ne longer n i broke the ice, askd him if he hatd me for evything...i blieved him whn he said no..i was relievd as well, i mean i did hurt him in all ways poss n for him to stand by me till now is admirable...he said "put it this way..ive nev even come close to havin w neone wat i had with u, n if friendship is all i can salvage frm wat we once had then i will take it"..was a pretty sweet thing to say, i dont know..the feelins my end r def not there nemore, n im not so sure if i can handle a friendship thing w him, coz obviously id like to talk abt stuff eg other guys, feelins..but i dont tink he ll b ready for that..if ever?..i did muck ard w him, askin him if hes gna get married or watever n he answerd tht he had too much on his mind n on his plate at the moment to even ponder movin on to a new rel, so hes stayin away frm that...i did tell him wat i thought he should know tho, i said thank u for evything..n if he ever needed nethin frm me, id b there for him no matter wat...i also said sorry for all the pain i caused, n i said that he was never nethin but kind n lovin towards me..jst tht i fucked up left rite n center..i was immature..tht it wasnt him but tht i cudnt handle bein in a rel w neone..i said i said n did so many wrong n hurtful things, stemmin frm my inadequacies as a person..my immaturity..my stupidity...my selfishness...i also said i do regret n lament the fact tht we spent 5 yrs together n we dint work out...said u never know, mebe we were meant to b friends? he replied tht he d like us to b friends..i said i wasnt sure if id b able to handle that, coz its too weird..i mean i dont even know wat to call him by, callin him by his name wud b too strange...unthinkable even. so i jst dont call him altogether, i jst say hey or start my sentences w 'uknow'..stupid i know..but he still calls me by watever he used to call me whn we were together...its all odd hearin him say that..yet at the same time its soothing, it feels..familiar n right...sigh. this is new territory for me n im not q sure how to go abt things...evyone ive spoken to say its virtually imposs to b friends w an ex...so will c wat happs i spose..thers no rush to embark on ne rel w him, we ll jst take it ez..he said i cud call him netime...i said he cud get in touch w me netime too, if he ever needed my help he shud not hesitate..so i gues so far so gd, nothin -ve really happ today..at least he seemed ok, he seemed over me...mebe one day we can b real friends but as of now we can only b acquaintances...but if he goes bk to sydney then we will probly drift apart n eventualy not b in each others lives..... guess wat..turns out he mite b stayin in hk after all...hes yet to sort out the details tho..apprently his old boss in sydney wants him to stay here in hk, or at least in china thts for sure..i askd him wat hes gna do n he said he hasnt had the time to tink abt it..i wonder.........nah. well hes def not gna b in hk nex wk coz hes movin out of his appt, n will b in china for now doin stuff for this sydney boss..he needs him to stay there for at least 3mths...neway even if this job offer works out i doubt he ll take it, i tink its best hes bk in sydney..he nev likd hk actually...he put his career on hold for me n mebe nows the time to get bk into the ratrace..ive nev met neone as brilliant as him n it wud b such a waste if he decides to stay in hk or china...i feel he ll b better off in sydney, professionally..he knows loadsa ppl there n loadsa ppl there know him..hes got an excelent reputatn there, an excellent track record..got contacts...he will do so well over there..whereas here evythin works against him, the col of his skin, the fact tht he speaks zero cantonese..hes made enemies at his old hk job coz he spoke against his stupid n racist boss....took him to the courts yes AS actually sued him..blah blah blah they settled out of court...neway the mkt here isnt so stable as it is bk home in sydney..blah. i know im ramblin....bit disorganized coz ive got a lot to spew..tink will take a breather n go walk jinn for now...i tink i wana hve an early nite tonite..its bn realy bad past few days, sleepin at dawn n wakin up at 3 or 4pm. it realy sucks..n my back really hurts..i need to lay off my pc. blah, i need a job :( # [ posted @ 6:24:00 AM ] pv oh..happy bday sony! whoa...time flies.. # Sunday, February 2 [ posted @ 11:22:00 PM ] pv well i m leavin now # [ posted @ 10:35:00 PM ] pv blah i m up..feelin as lazy as fuck. dont wana budge...thing is im havin lunch w the ex in 30mins, well spossed to neway but ill b late coz i havent even showered yet....the date got rescheduled to 3pm coz he had a 'late nite', apparently, so hes feelin a bit plastered, apparently. wonder if it was his intentn to make me feel jealous or envious that hes havin fun without me...well i dint ask where he went or who with i just said ok, watever suits u..if u want we can even cancel n have lunch some other day..i mean we hvent seen each other in months n months, n we havent sat down together n not talked abt issues/us in even more months n months, so today is gna b quite weird..n stress free, i damn well hope..my cny hols r goin splendidly n the last thing i want is today to fuck it all up...but i tink it will go well, we jst gna steer clear of ne stupid issue n jst have a nice, vegan lunch i did my nails early mornin then proceeded to fall asleep...yuck some r smudgd but i cudnt care less coz theres no time to fix it..neway its dark polish so i dont tink nebody will notice....theres tht dinn thing at piancas plce tomorw so today i gta buy smth to take to her hse...i chkd w the lil bro n he said ne box of chocs/biccies wud do..phew. well im off to the supermart later tonite i guess..mebe i will chk out if my journal is in stock yet, its bn a mth n still nada..i need to write ok tink i shud take a shower or ill b more than an hr late..im feelin sooo lazy tho # [ posted @ 12:59:00 PM ] pv oh boy i m one dooomd little girl..it is again, the crack of dawn, n again, i gta b up early tomorw for a lunch thingy w the ex. shite......last nite i made do w roughly 3 hrs of sleep n i had a real long day today...thought id have an early nite in tonite but nooo...i also forgot to do my nails which means i gta b up xtra early even! ugh...ouch my neck hurts. im kinda njoyin all these projects ive given myself tho, it beats aimlessly surfin for nothin/idly chattin w strangers i realy njoyed today, not jst the monastery thing but also whn i got home there was gd food waitin for me on the table - thank u so much mommy! - n nobody buggd me as such...watchd some tv while on the pc, i also got to chat w tom a bit..i m so fond of him...veni rang n we got chattin...n oh b4 that nother girl i usd to work w at the y, she called as well..its bn mnths n mnths since we talkd so it was kinda fun catchin up, altho we re not tht close..mite b meetin up w her this thurs w veni when we hit da clubs... therby goes nother of kiaras days...peace evyone, signin off wonderin if we shud go for american or chinese tomorw for lunch..i had chinese today so im kinda leanin towards american..but we will c cya # [ posted @ 6:59:00 AM ] pv yawnnnn # [ posted @ 3:00:00 AM ] pv today was fabulous...i spent all day doin the buddhist thing w stephen n it was such an overwhelming experience, i m totally stoked.......divine. i dint realize it was already so late when the day was over, it was almost 5..id intended to b home by lunch..time flies whn u r bz/havin fun..i was both, learning abt things n enjoyin the event the whole time i was actualy fallin asleep on the train on the way bk, it was a 30min ride from the monastery..did lotsa walkin n talkin n absorbin info...it was fascinating..so fascinating, i m enthralled...i was early for our 10.30am appt so i bought a planters gift box for stephen n his fam, dint cost so much n it beats gettin him chocs coz i wasnt sure if he was vegan or not (found out later hes not)..we took a minibus to the biggest temple in the area, whoa it was a real humbling xperience..it was up on some slope place, lotsa vegetatn n trees..id never bn to the district b4, much less a monastery...well i ve seen the po lin monastery in lantau island but thats more of a hippy/tourist spot really, not a 'real'/'serious' monastery..far too many tourists w shorts n cameras out than monks..actualy apprently the monks who run po lin r said to b pretty media/camera savvy n love publicity..neway bk to today, it was miniscule compard to po lin but a lot more authentic lookin, none of the backpacker type ppl ard..actualy i was the only non chinese all day, so evyone lookd at me weirdly as if i came frm nother planet..even more so whn stephen n i spoke in engl the whole time..wat more, it was such a weird sight for them i guess, this dark skinnd girl speakin in engl to an old guy, pen n paper in hand writin down notes..lol i lookd like a reporter or smth neway we stayd there for a gd 3 hrs or so..a damnd long time given tht a leisurely walk abt there wudnt take more than 30mins..but stephen took the time n effort to stop n xplain evythin to me..the diff buddhas, the scriptures on the walls, parables n so forth...real interestin...i learnd a lot today, n i wantd to learn more but cudnt take in nemore info..theres jst so much to know n learn abt...we also threw coins into a miniature palace thing, set atop a fountain..n yess i got a coin in...u make a wish n fling coins at the palace, n if u get a coin in thru a hole (ie the door) then ur wish shud b granted, so the blief goes..well stephen doesnt blieve a word of it but we did it neway for fun....then we fed the pigeons, sat n talkd for a while...then took a cab down to town to pick up his wife eva n their kids joseph n lilian...joseph n lilian r sooo cute, at first joseph wudnt even look at me but b4 long he is holdin my hand, playin cops n robbers w me n yelling out "play weeef me...run faster...play weeef me" we had lunch together, stephen let me hold lilian for a while n im surprisd i handled her perfectly, n so naturally..shit i tink my maternal instincts ve kickd in...i did the whole goo goo ga ga thing w her w o knowin n she was cooin n lookin at me...she did not cry! yay...i had the time of my life huggin her n there was a lump in my throat when she put her fatty arms round my neck n restd her little head on my shoulder...stephens like "oh u say u dont wana have kids but u love babies n children!" haha..hes rite, i love the kiddos...i tink bein a teach for a yr now has made me gooey neway we went to nother monastery coz i told stephen i wantd to buy somethin for my rm, mebe some buddhist chimes or statues or watnot...we went w eva joseph n lilian..by this time joseph had already taken a likin to me so he was runnin abt n makin me run after him..i obliged, happily n willingly..i tink much to stephens chagrin coz he was not plsed that his buddhist wannabe (ie, me) was runnin at full speed in the monastery chasing a 5 yr old lol..i cudnt resist tho, joseph was so cute..gurglin n laughin....then we took the cab back to his place where we droppd off eva n the kids, then stephen walkd me to the train statn n we talkd some more...for more than 30mins actualy, by this time i was so tired n sleepy i cudnt take in ne more info from stephen oh yea i ended up buyin 2 tiny capsules, 1 gold plated the other silver plated..inside r paper scrolls of one of the buddhist sutras...apprently u r spposd to wear em ard ur neck, after u hook a special string thru em...i bought a dark red string for the gold capsule n an orangish yellow one for the silver capsule..they r hangin nex to my monitor as i type this..im gna stick a hook on the inside of the hutch of my desk n hang em there, i mite wear em ard my neck sometimes..i also bought a gold plated card of a picture of one of the buddhas..wats her name errr i will get my notebook out n look it up sec avo-lo kiti sivara..the spellin is definitely wrong there, i jst wrote it acc to how it is pronouncd..shes the goddess of mercy, the most popular deity among all the buddhas..well i say she but "shes" actually gender-less...neway i put the card in my wallet for protectn, um i feel stupid i said tht coz im gen not v religious...hmm also bought a ring, but that was more for fun than nethin..theres a sutra on the ring, i dunno wat sutra but stephen said its a gd one...i also pickd up a book from the 2nd monastery..its so hard to find proper buddhist bks in engl here...as in bks written by monks emselves..the ones u get in bkstores r way too scholarly/academic i got 4 laisees today, 3 frm stephen n one from the proprietor of the buddhist restaurant where we had lunch...i dunno y he gave me one, probly out of respect for stephen..neway im not complainin..was only 10bucks in each but i m happy...yawnnnn..whn i got bk i walkd jin rite away coz i knew i wudnt b in the mood later...now im gna eat smth n mebe lie down in bed, i hope i dont fall asleep? else i wont b able to sleep later...hmm tomorw is lunch w AS my ex..that shud b fun, we havent gone out jst for the heck of it in many mths...well now tht we re friends n hes leavin hk for gd, hopefully we steer clear of ne issues n jst try n hve fun, b ourselves....he is a good guy but whn we were together i hurt him n damaged him..he is better off w o me coz im not gd nuff for him...he will find someone who he deserves, smone who will treat him rite n treat him perfectly...i wish nothin but the best for him, n yes i wil b jealous whn he finds a new gf, marries etc..but deep down i will b happy for him coz he ll ve found the happiness he deserves, the happiness he wudve nev gotten frm me well i will stop for now n eat smth....gna change n crash in bed for a bit...later # [ posted @ 2:23:00 AM ] pv somewhat less embarrassing 
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Your Hidden Sexual Talent is Oral SexNo matter if you lick or blow, You give the best oral of anyone you know. To get you down and on your knees, Someone only has to ask "please." What's *Your* Hidden Sexual Talent? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva # |
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